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Baxter Thwaites (Michael Caine) is governor of Cascara, a long-forgotten British colony in the Caribbean. His peaceful life is disturbed only by his shrill wife and the Cascaran Liberation Front -- a rebel group that no one takes seriously because it only consists of two people, one of whom (Delgado Fitzhugh, played by Billy Connolly) communicates solely through (bad) singing.

But when an abandoned oil rig starts delivering pure mineral water, Cascara suddenly has a valuable resource that Downing Street, the White House, French mercenaries, Cuban guerrillas, and an American oil company will do anything to obtain.

Not to be confused with the less light-hearted Deepa Mehta film of the same name.

Tropes used in Water include:

 "Fidel says Cuba will shed blood for revolution of downtrodden people anywhere. But your people are too downtrodden even for Cuba!"

 TV director: "That's err...Ringo Whosit...and George Whatsit! It's Whosit and Whatsit, back together again!"

 Eric: "Am I never to be forgiven for one moment of weakness?"

Baxter: "According to our latest census you've had at least fourteen moments of weakness, Eric."

 American TV presenter: "The man they call the Singing Rebel is still at liberty. And in this remote and inhospitable terrain, he could be in one of a thousand places. (The CLF walk out of the bushes behind him, holding their AK47s) Why do you guys have your hands in the air...uhh..."

 DJ: "Newsflash! In a daring raid, Delgado Fitzhugh and Garfield Cooper seized Radio Cascara and urged the people to take to the streets! (looks out the window with binoculars) They didn't.

  • Fast Roping: The CLF attack the radio station by sliding down the telephone wire (even though they could have simply walked up to the door). Billy Connolly misjudges his distance and goes crashing through the roof.
  • Fictional Country : Cascara as the obligatory stereotypical British Caribbean overseas territory.
  • Freudian Excuse: Reverend Fitzhugh thinks Delgado is a rebel out of revenge for not marrying his mother. Also environmental activist Pamela Weintraub, daughter of the Spenco CEO.

 "Baxter, I have been trying to get back at my father, but I think I've a good reason for it. Dad's a prick."

 Spenco Executive: (with exaggerated hand movements) "DO-YOU-SPEAK-EN-GL-ISH?"

Garfield: "I do, but my comrade will not speak until he can say Cascara is free."

Executive: "Is that a political posture or a speech impediment?"

 TV Presenter: "Once again American soldiers have set foot on foreign soil, in a land which -- until last week -- they had never heard of. Many of them are searching their hearts and asking: Why are we here?"

(Cut to soldier asking his commanding officer: "Sir, why are we here?")

  • My Card: After nearly throttling Baxter to death, the mercenary commander leaves him his card.

 "If you are in need of an army, just call."

  • National Anthem: The Cascarans imitate various swimming styles when singing this, as the islanders were all descended from shipwrecked sailors.
  • Nice Hat: Baxter complains that his feathered dress helmet makes him feel like he has a live chicken on his head. When he discovers that Britain is abandoning the colony, he chucks the helmet into the sea.
  • One-Man Army

 Thatcher: "I have learnt that there is a dissident element on the island, one Delgado Fitzhugh."

Sir Malcolm: "He is but one man..."

Thatcher: "Ghandi was one man! A single looney in a loincloth and we lost the entire Indian subcontinent!"

  • The Power of Rock: Delgado appeals to the United Nations Assembly to grant Cascara's independence by singing to them. Unfortunately he's a Dreadful Musician so they're not impressed, until a cameo appearance by some former Beatles saves the day.
  • Private Military Contractors: The French Secret Service hire mercenaries to blow up the well.

 French agent: "This is a dangerous mission, and some of you will die. But remember, in a world gone mad, you will die for a principle that you all hold close to your heart. Money!"

Mercenaries: "Viva franc! Viva deutschmark! Viva dollar! Viva numbered bank account in Switzerland!"

  • Reassigned to Antarctica: Baxter was assigned to Cascara after his wife danced topless at a reception for the Duke of Edinburgh.
  • Shur Fine Guns: Sir Malcolm's visit is commemorated with a salute from the island's ancient cannon. It blows up instead.
  • Someone's Touching My Butt: When Baxter and Pamela Weintraub are tied to a tree by Cuban guerillas, Baxter has to inform her that it's not his lighter she's grabbed to burn the ropes.
  • The Stoner: The only crop that hasn't failed on Cascara is marijuana. Even the Governor has his own garden of "heavy duty herbs".

 Rev. Fitzhugh: "I suppose they all want to go where the grass is greener."

Baxter: (smoking a joint) "They'll find it a lot more expensive."

 Sir Malcolm (giving a TV interview): "This island has always been a model of civility and tranquility."

(RPG-7 rocket blows up a building behind him)

 Baxter: Who send you? Why are you here?

{The mercenary commander charges up behind Baxter and starts to throttle him)

Commander: For the bloodshed, and the money!

  • Welcome to the Caribbean Mon: Played straight, but often subverted. It was filmed on St. Lucia, which gained independence from the UK only 5-6 years before the movie hit theaters. Similarly to Cascara, St. Lucia was quite poor back then.
  • We Need a Distraction: So he can get the jump on the Cubans, Baxter tells Pamela to look like he'd escaped from his bonds and ravished her. After rearranging her clothes to effect this illusion, the two of them start ravishing each other for real.
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