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The third The Abridged Series from Hbi2k. Take Vision of Escaflowne, turn Hitomi Genre Savvy, make Van Wrong Genre Savvy, and turn the Big Bad into a Cloudcuckoolander (not Dilandau, who's just as crazy as in the original series).

Now finished, it delivers the laughs as well as the earlier series, Gantz Abridged and Berserk Abridged. Courtesy link.

Provides examples of:

 Van: What's that from? I'm trying to reference Lord of the Rings here.

Mole-Man: That was from Lord of the Rings.

Van: No it wasn't! I should know, I watched all three extended editions back-to-back once. Best two years of my life!

Mole-Man: Bah, you dammed kids and your Peter Jackson...

 Hitomi: Wow, Van, that's actually a really mature and well-adjusted way to look at it...

Van: Hey, thanks!

Hitomi: ...And do you know how many fangirls mature, well-adjusted characters usually get?

Van: Fifty thousand!

Hitomi: Lower.

Van: Five hundred?

Hitomi: Lower.

Van: Square root of negative one?

Hitomi: ...Okay, higher and...less imaginary.

Van: ...Zero?

Hitomi: Bingo! Now, angst! Angst like you've never angsted before!

 Van This is for Freid!

Dilandau Cesta!

Van For Balgus!

Dilandau S- Stop that!

Van For my parents!

Dilandau What the hell, man?! We didn't even do anything to your parents!

 Hitomi: Oh yeah, I guess I just don't think about [Van's tragic backstory] because you're all happy-go-lucky all the time. I mean, would it kill you to mope about it a little more?

 Hitomi: Allen, you took a tentacle attack for me!

Allen: Kinda makes what Jesus did seem pretty piddly, doesn't it?

Hitomi: Hey, don't make fun of Jesus! Blasphemy's a sin.

Allen: Yeah, but didn't Jesus die for those? Think what a waste that'd be if I never committed any.

  • Blood Knight: Van loves pointless fight sequences.
  • Brain Bleach: Episode 16 has Hitomi's furious mental request for mental soap upon learning that Allen might be her second cousin.
  • The Cameo: Ghost Nappa!
    • Zuko and Iroh appear in Merle's mind the first time Hitomi is kidnapped, the second time Katara and Sokka appear.

 Katara: Do something optimistic!

Sokka: Do something skeptical! It's what SCIENCE would want.


 Van: Hey, Hitomi, you're a girl, right?

Hitomi: How nice of you to notice.

Van: Yeah, I'm perceptive like that.

  • Catch Phrase: "Snickety Slice!"
    • Which in itself is from Tenacious D Wolverine Mallrats various places.
    • And, of course, "Beefcake!"
    • Van and Hitomi throw some flak at each other for their catchphrases

 Hitomi: Was it all just a dream? Or maybe a vision...No, it was re-

Van: Whoa, whoa! Is that supposed to be your catchphrase or something? Because you sound like Descartes after a big, heaping helping of stupid.

Hitomi: What about you? "Snickety slice"? What are you, Wolverine's inbred stoner cousin?

 Van: I'll never run from an enemy! ...Except for that one time when I ran from an enemy and ended up here. But that's the limit of my running from enemies!

 Chid: How strange. She always said you had the largest weapon of any man in Asturia, but your sword is quite normal sized....

Van: * snort* She must not have seen many men's weapons.

Hitomi: Van...

Milerna: What Van means is that this sword is just for everyday use.

Allen: Yeah, my other weapon is for everynight use.

Milerna: Allen!

Chid: Ooh! May I see this every-night weapon?

Allen: Oh, uh, no. I only unsheathe that one when I come upon a beautiful maiden in distress.

Chid: You come upon a beautiful maiden every night?

Allen: Sometimes twice, if I'm not too-

Hitomi and Milerna: SHUT UP ALLEN!

 Hitomi: Van!? You're the mysterious naked savior?

Van: Naked? You wish. My wings can come out just fine with my pants still on, thankyouverymuch.

 Van: The reason you're confused is that the network decided to skip the first episode. It seems that certain...elements didn't test well among that crucial, "Has a Penis," demographic.

Hitomi: And that was more important to them than maintaining continuity in the plot?

Van: You're watching Fox.

 Folken: "Fuck you, Dilandau. Fuck you right in your vagina."

Dilandau: "...What an odd thing to say...."

 Van: Oh, hi, Dilandau!

Dilandau: "Hi, Dilandau?" You are facing the implacable enemy who has dogged your footsteps since you've left your homeland, and all you can say is, "Hi, Dilandau!?"

Van: Um... it's... nice to see you?

  • Handsome Lech: Allen and his Alternate Reality Counterpart Amano. "If there's one thing I can't stand, it's ugly old men trying to take advantage of young girls. That's for us beautiful men to do."
  • Heel Face Turn: Folken defects because he's sick of the emperor's bullshit.
  • Hell-Bent for Leather

 Dilandau: "Damn, I'm sexy. Why haven't I worn leather pants before?"

 Folken: Van, I am your brother!

Van: That's not true, that's impossi-wait, yes it is, hey bro!

 Van: "If I wanted to sleep through half of the episode, I would have watched..."

List of series flashed rapidly: Wolf's Rain, Gungrave, GitS: SAC, Paranoia Agent, Mushishi, Boogiepop Phantom, Hi, Mom!, Serial Experiments Lain, squirrels do it, Samurai 7, Soul Taker, Casshern Sins, Kino's Journey

Van: "Witch Hunter Robin."

  • I Have This Friend: Done transparently by Millerna. then spoofed to the groudn when we met Schvan and Shhitomi. She didn't answered her phone, because Shmuck you.
  • I Want My Beloved to Be Happy: Yukari's projecting just a wee bit too much...

 Yukari: He's the most desirable Bishonen in school! If you don't make a move now, you may never get another chance!

Hitomi: Uh, actually, it sounds like you're really into him. Are you sure you don't want to make a move on him?

Yukari: No! You've loved Amano for years! I could never stand in the way of your happiness...

Hitomi: Actually, I just met him today. Are you sure you're not projecting just a little?

Yukari: ...Okay, Hitomi. If it's for my best friend, I guess I have no choice. I'll stand aside, and give you a chance at happiness with Amano!

Hitomi: Um, okay....


 Van: That's right! How did you heal Allen back then?

Milerna: I don't know, all I did was touch him inappropriately...

Van: Worth a try!

  • Ironic Echo: Dornkirk to Folken in the finale.
  • It's Personal: It has to take a catgirl kidnapping Hitomi to get Van to say this....

 Allen: Wait, this is crossing the line? Going over to Zaibach, invading Fanelia and Freid, killing your mentor, kidnapping and drugging you. All that stuff was cool, but this is eternal vengeance territory?

Van: Is there a problem with that?

Allen: Just making sure I understand you.

 Dilandau: I love my life!

  • Kissing Cousins: Allen's mental response to learning he might be Hitomi's second cousin

 Allen: Still legal. All right!

 Hitomi: Well, that's confusing. Can't we just call them all mecha?

Allen: Ha! Good one. And while we're at it, why don't we call anime "cartoons" and manga "comic books?"

Hitomi: Hey, yeah -- why don't we?

Allen: ...I'm still trying to get into that tiny skirt of yours, so I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear you say that.

 Zonghi: Brother! NOOOO! Oh, cruel fate, what are the odds!? ...No, seriously -- the odds against this happening must be astronomical.

  • Mook Face Turn: Miguel. The promise of not being bitchslapped is so powerful that he snaps out of hypnosis just to ask if he can defect to Fried

 Miguel: I-I love you! Can I, I mean, I am a loyal servant of Zaibach and am answering your questions only because I am under hypnosis.

    • More like he was feigning hypnosis the whole time, and broke character for a moment.
  • New Powers as the Plot Demands: "Well, that's bullshit! First you get Hitomi's seeing powers, and now my healing? What are you gonna steal next, Allen's sex appeal?"
  • No Fourth Wall: Obviously. When Hitomi's Seer abilities are temporarily suppressed, she decides to find Van by going into Omniscient Narrator Mode.
  • Offscreen Moment of Awesome: As part of the potshots against the Fox run, we have the missed fight with the dragon.

 Van: I, Van Fanel, have completed the task of dragon slaying! He was all, like, "GRRRR! FWOOSH!" and I was all like, "No way!" and then I went, "SNICKETY SLICE!" and I cut out his heart!

Red Shirt 1: Wow, that sounds badass!

Red Shirt 2: I wish everyone could have seen it!

Van: Yeah... Me too.

 Folken:Yeah...Once again, if my lord could perhaps be a bit more specific....

  • Only Six Faces: "It seems you've got me mixed up with someone slightly less attractive. It happens all the time, the animators only know how to draw, like, four different kinds of faces."
  • Overly Long Gag: Dilandau slapping the messenger over and over again.
  • Parental Abandonment

 Balgus: Make your dead parents' rotting corpses proud, my lord!

Van: Do you really have to put it like that?

Balgus: I just wanted to make sure it was established that they're dead. And rotting. In their graves! ...Beefcake!

 Dornkirk: 'Oi! Folken! Have you found the dragon yet?

Folken: No, my lord, and I seem to be running out of flamboyant lackeys to send after him.

Dornkirk: Why? What's wrong with Dilandau?

Folken: He's been slipping in and out of an Angst Coma ever since his underlings were killed. Turns out he did care about those guys; who knew? Zonghi's dead....

Dornkirk: Have we used the gecko ninjas?

Folken: We've used the gecko ninjas.

Dornkirk: How about that snake guy?

Folken: We've used the snake guy.

  • Reference Overdosed
  • Retroactive Wish: Used twice with the help of Hitomi's MacGuffin pendant:
    • First, in episode 8, Van wishes that all the fossilized dragon hearts being mined would explodes. The MacGuffin pendant makes them do so. Then he wishes for cheeseburgers to eat instead of grubs. Nothin'.
    • Then, in the next episode, Hitomi wishes that a "knight in shining armor" would save her from Naughty Tentacles. Cue Allen arriving in a suit of armor. Hitomi then wishes that she was back in her fantasy world where Allen gave up his womanizing ways for her. Again, nothin'.
    • Lampshaded in episode 14 when Allen hopes help would arrive to heal Van after a recent battle. A friendly caravan arrives, and Allen then wishes that there would be some sexy nurses as well. Hitomi points out that she tried it, and it doesn't work.
  • Selective Obliviousness: "Oh my God, is it possible that Allen's intentions towards me are less than honorable? ...Nah!"
  • Shirtless Scene: "Oooh! Manservice!"

 Dilandau: I tear my shirt off in anguish!

 Van: Yes! I can do the impossible!

Hitomi: Well, see the invisible...

Merle: RAW, RAW! FIGHT DA POWA!... * cricket chirp* ...Aww, I wanted to be part of the moment, but I killed it! Why do I kill everything I love?

 Van: First in every charge and last in every retreat, that's the motto of the kings of Fanelia!

Folken: That's the kings of Narnia, you idiot.

Van: We can use it too! They don't own it!

 Allen: Look Hitomi, Just because I want to tap that like a Prodigal Sorcerer doesn't mean I'll risk people's lives over a hunch!

Hitomi: How would dealing 1 damage per turn to a creature or player help? Does Zaibach use a lot of 1/1 creatures?

 Prince Chid: My late mother often told me about a brave knight named Allen. Tell me, did you know Marlene of Asturia?

Allen: Uh, well, yeah, but not intimately... I mean not biblically! ...I mean, y-yeah, we met.

 Duke Fried: Sergeant Cannon Fodder Canaan-Föder, how do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake?

Canaan-Föder: I... I don't know, sir

Duke Fried: That's easy, you don't! You just keep sending wave after wave of men to their deaths! Now, call in the reserves -- we're having a good old-fashioned troop surge!

    • Inverted in that as soon as he says it, his own men shoot him in the back with an arrow volley.

 Canaan-Föder: How does it feel to be the last man to die for a mistake, asshole?

 "That's about as close as anyone gets in this show. Oh, except Dilandau; that guy's crazy. Don't ever get on his bad side"

    • Which might be cribbed from the Escaflowne page on this very site.
    • "Zaibach: Kicking your ass for the greater good."
  • What Is This Feeling?: Spoofed when Van briefly experiences the mysterious concept known as "empathy."

 Van: And it's like I could tell what they were thinking and feeling just by watching what they said and did.... Did I just get some awesome new superpower without realizing it?

 Moleman: We don't have a doctor on board. Princess Millerna, you'll have to save him

Millerna: What? Why me? I don't have any medical training. One of those guys do it!

Moleman: Nope, it has to be you.

Van: He's got a point. There's only a couple of useful powers that girls ever get in this kind of show, and Hitomi's the Seer, so that makes you the Healer.

 Hitomi: Van, why do you have wings now?

Van: I told you -- I'm an awesome Shonen action hero, and I have lots and lots of powers.

Hitomi: Oh yeah. Angel wings. That's really Shonen. Seriously, is it genetic or something?

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