The Loop (TV)
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"In a world, where video games to film adaptations suck ass, this movie will totally fall beyond your expectations. And then some more. Street Fighter, the leyend of chun li!"
After watching this, in mounting aghastment, I've now realized why it's so bad. It's because it's good. Unfortunately, what it's good at is being a movie of a computer game. If you've played your way through the TR games you'll realize that. The atmosphere of the locations, the way Lara runs and fires, the traps ... someone sat through all the games, taking notes. It's truer to the feel of the games than most novel-based movies are to the original novel. Time and care was spent on that. Then, since the games have no characterization, or any plot much above the level of "get all the bits", they pasted together an inconsistent load of old garbage in twenty minutes and hoped the SFX would carry it. They don't.
"Doom has a script. That's the problem. The DOOM game's plot can be summarized with a bottle of Bawls and a barely-coherent series of spittle-spraying sound effects. Three words, and three words only: Marines. Mars. Demons. Just three simple checklist items. And they still screwed it up. They tried to apply characters and a plot to this? It's DOOM! People play DOOM to get away from talking. We only liked it because it was all about blowing stuff up REAL GOOD. The game was made during an era when people didn't care a kangaroo's nipple about plots in a first-person shooter. In fact, at the first sign of plot or text screens, our left hands would jerk spasmodically to the ESC key SO WE COULD GET BACK TO THE SHOOTING. DOOM should have opened up with an exterior shot of Mars, panned over to The Rock stepping out of a teleporter, who raises the People's Eyebrow at the camera and proceeds to blast stuff for 100 minutes, nonstop, without uttering a single solitary word. Throw $40 million and three dozen stunt coordinators at this thing, and just let them make the most ungodly loud stunt reel in history. Sort of like Navy SEALs. Oh it would have been one of the worst movies ever made, repetitive and wretchedly shallow. But it would have been DOOM. That's what DOOM is: mindless, repetitive blasting, usually with Pantera screaming on your CD player in the background."
"Quick! Change the channel!"—Zangief, Street Fighter
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