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- Pedro and the Man meet for the first time when Chong hitchhikes with fake breasts.
Man: I Slept in a ditch last night and almost froze my balls off.
Pedro: I didn't even think you had any!
- Pedro, trying to find a joint to share with Chong:
Pedro: No, that's my dick...[finds it] Here it is.
Chong: I hope your dick's bigger than this, man.
- "Am I driving OK?" [They're parked.]
- "Hey don't take those, man."
"You just ate the most acid I ever seen anyone eat in my life."
- Cheech, talking to the cop while stoned.
"My license? It's on the bumper."
"Here's your momma!"
"His name is RAAAAAALPH, man."
- The marijuana van is overheating. A cop pulls Pedro and Chong over and gets high off the fumes.
Cop: "What do you guys want?"
Cop: "Do you mind if I have a, bite of your, ah, hot dog?"
Chong: "What was he on, man?
Cheech: "I don't know but I wish we had some of it!"
- Chong on the police dispatch with Sgt. Stadenko: "Was that Lard Ass?" "HARD HAT, HARD HAT!!!"
- In a deleted scene: "The van was last seen headed to your momma's bedroom."
- The end to that bit:
"Radio dispatch! Do you know who this is?"
"No, who is this is?"
"This is Sargent Stadenko!"
"Oh, yeah? You know who this is?"
- "Fuck me, Alex!"
- "I didn't know your name was Alex, man!"
- "You mean we're smoking dogshit, man?"