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  • Pedro and the Man meet for the first time when Chong hitchhikes with fake breasts.

 Man: I Slept in a ditch last night and almost froze my balls off.

Pedro: I didn't even think you had any!

  • Pedro, trying to find a joint to share with Chong:

 Pedro: No, that's my dick...[finds it] Here it is.

Chong: I hope your dick's bigger than this, man.

  • "Am I driving OK?" [They're parked.]
  • "Hey don't take those, man."

  "You just ate the most acid I ever seen anyone eat in my life."

  • Cheech, talking to the cop while stoned.

 "My license? It's on the bumper."

"Here's your momma!"

"His name is RAAAAAALPH, man."

  • The marijuana van is overheating. A cop pulls Pedro and Chong over and gets high off the fumes.

 Cop: "What do you guys want?"

Cop: "Do you mind if I have a, bite of your, ah, hot dog?"

Chong: "What was he on, man?

Cheech: "I don't know but I wish we had some of it!"

  • Chong on the police dispatch with Sgt. Stadenko: "Was that Lard Ass?" "HARD HAT, HARD HAT!!!"
    • In a deleted scene: "The van was last seen headed to your momma's bedroom."
    • The end to that bit:

 "Radio dispatch! Do you know who this is?"

"No, who is this is?"

"This is Sargent Stadenko!"

"Oh, yeah? You know who this is?"

"...No...!"

"Bye-bye, lardass!"

  • "Fuck me, Alex!"
    • "I didn't know your name was Alex, man!"
  • "You mean we're smoking dogshit, man?"
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