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 Kirk: What do you mean, 'you people?'

Alpa Chino: What do you mean, 'you people?'

    • There's this one:

 Tugg Speedman: I killed one, Rick... the thing I love most in the world.

Rick Peck: A hooker. Oh Jesus, you killed a hooker!

 Tugg Speedman: There were times while I was playing Jack where I felt...

[pause]

Tugg Speedman: ...retarded. Like, really retarded.

Kirk Lazarus: Damn!

Tugg Speedman: In a weird way, I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that is was ok to be stupid or dumb.

Kirk Lazarus: To be a moron.

Tugg Speedman: Yeah!

Kirk Lazarus: To be moronical.

Tugg Speedman: Exactly, to be a moron.

Kirk Lazarus: An imbecile.

Tugg Speedman: Yeah!

Kirk Lazarus: Like the dumbest motherfucker that ever lived.

Tugg Speedman: [pause] When I was playing the character.

  • It's got to be when Kirk finishes off his words of wisdom to Tugg on acting with:

 Kirk Lazarus: Never go full retard.

  • "Let's go. We only have sixteen hours before they wake up."
  • As hilarious as Kirk Lazarus was, the film's Crowning Moment of Funny comes near the end of the final action scene: Tugg Speedman, escaping from the drug cartel, with a toddler he tried to adopt hanging off his back repeatedly stabbing him with a knife, finally gets fed up and throws the toddler off the bridge into the river, emphasized by the fantastic midair cartwheels he sent the kid into. The kid, amazingly enough, survives, too, and looks none the worse for wear - merely extremely pouty - so you don't even have to feel bad about the horrific child abuse!
  • Kirk Lazarus as Lincoln Osiris as a Peasant Farmer showing the leader of Flaming Dragon exactly where his farm is.

 Lazarus: I'm a LEAD FARMER MOTHERFUCKER!

  • Near the end, when Tugg is in shellshock, it cuts to Jack Black screaming, "MY ASS! MY ASS!"
  • The entire movie was a CMOF (well, for some), but special mention goes to Les Grossman.

 Les: I want you to take a step back... AND LITERALLY FUCK YOUR OWN FACE!

  • "They're not jelly beans."
    • "I know."
  • "Yo, asshole, this motherfucker's dead!"
  • Robert Downey, Jr.'s in-character DVD commentary is priceless. ("Remember when you told [Brandon Jackson] to slap me all goddamn day, Ben? I remember. Like it was fuckin' yesterday.") He even switches to an Australian accent when Kirk Lazarus has an identity crisis and realizes he is not any of his characters.
  • "He ain't playing God! He being judged by Him."
  • "Your mother's a cankerous whore!!! Hey, remember that time I called your mother a cankerous whore? I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."
  • Lazarus attempting to convince Speedman of his true identity:

 Lazarus: Now you gonna focus up, motherfucker, and say it! "It's me, Tugg!"

Speedman: It's me, Tugg.

Lazarus: That's right! Now Tugg who?!

Speedman: Tugg who? I don't know. Who are you?

Lazarus: Me?! I KNOW WHO I AM! I'm a dude playin' the dude disguised as another dude! You a dude that don't know what dude he is!

Speedman: Or are you the dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is by playing other dudes?

  • The scene by the river.

 Lazarus: We lost! WE FUCKIN' SUPER LOST, MAN!

    • Followed shortly by:

 Speedman, after having the map stolen: "We're supposed to be a unit."

Lazarus: "Suck my unit.

  • "WHAT YOU GETTIN' AT WITH THE BOOK-SCRIPT?! SPIT THAT SHIT OUT, MAN!"
    • Even better is the delighted grin just after he's said it.
  • This exchange between Lazarus and Alpa Chino:

 Alpa Chino: Why am I in this movie? Maybe it's because I knew I had to represent. They had one good role for a black man, and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee!

Lazarus: (stops smiling) Pump your brakes, kid. That man's a national treasure.

Alpa Chino: I just wanna throw another shrimp on your barby.

Lazarus: That shit ain't funny.

Alpa Chino: I'm just messin' with you, Kangaroo Jack. I'm so sorry a dingo ate your baby!

Lazarus: Y'know, that's a true story? Lady lost her kid. You 'bout to cross some fuckin' lines!

  • "You Australian! Be Australian!"
  • The fake previews at the beginning.
    • "I've been a bad, bad boy, Father."
    • And Satan's Alley can easily come off as Spider-Man/IronMan slash.
  • "Any Tips? *beat* Gimmie that goddamn map!" Classic Lazarus.
  • A scene from the Rain of Madness documentary-- Lazarus is informed that his mother has passed away, and he's talking about his mom when Damien Cockburn (the director) comes up behind him and generally starts goofing off. Damien finally goes too far and puts his hands on Lazarus' neck, causing Lazarus to jump up and grab Damien before proceeding to punch Damien, make him sit in his chair and say goodbye to his (Lazarus') mother. Take note that Lazarus is still in-character as Lincoln Osiris while this is happening.
  • I want you to hit him really fucking hard!
  • The dialogue in the Fake Action Prologue which is so cheesy it's a wonder the book became a movie.

 Kirk: Cover me!

Kevin: How do we cover him?

  • At the end of the movie, when Tugg wins the "Best Actor" Oscar, the look on Jon Voight's face (and what he's obviously saying under the crowd noise) is a gem.
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