The Scarifyers

"It may be from another dimension, but it doesn't like the taste of hot steel!" —Inspector Lionheart.

File:Dunning Crow and Lionheart trope 2809.jpg

Professor Edward P. Dunning, Harry "Thumper" Crow and Inspector Lionheart

A series of straight to CD plays by Cosmic Hobo Productions, created by Simon Barnard and Paul Morris. They are set in the mid-1930s and chronicle the exploits of academic and ghost story author Professor Edward P. Dunning, and old-school policeman Inspector Lionheart as they investigate "the out of the ordinary, the unexplained. The downright weird." The plays are a heady mix of supernatural horror and comedy, recalling a sort of cosy world of 1930s adventure.

There have been seven CD releases so far, with one further upcoming, and three short episodes for free download from the Cosmic Hobo website. They star Doctor Who regulars Terry "Davros" Molloy as Dunning and the late Nicholas Courtney, AKA The Brigadier as Lionheart. In the sixth release, following Courtney's sad death, a new character, Harry "Thumper" Crow was introduced, played by David Warner. Other characters have included an exceptionally camp Aleister Crowley, a Great Old One, and rubbish explorer Sir Basil Champion, whilst guest stars such as Leslie Phillips, Nigel Havers and Brian Blessed have popped up.

The seven so far released are:

• The Nazad Conspiracy - 2006
• The Devil of Denge Marsh - 2007
• For King and Country - 2008
• The Curse of the Black Comet - 2009
• The Secret Weapon of Doom - 2010
• The Magic Circle - 2011
• The Horror of Loch Ness - 2012

Upcoming release:

• The Thirteen Hallows - (TBA)

The three "specials" are:

• The Curse of the Cult of Thoth - Hallowe'en Special
• The Yule Lads - Christmas Special
• Mr. Crowley's Christmas - Christmas Special

A comic adaptation of The Nazad Conspiracy is also in the works.

Can I tempt you to some tropes?

• Abhorrent Admirer: Mrs. Willow for Professor Dunning.
• Alma Mater Song: Sir Basil Champion delights in singing the song for his Private School, Bumsworth's. It's to the tune of "Jerusalem", and it's hilarious.
  • Dunning and his old friend Professor Penfold sing "The Mallard Song", a favourite from their University days, in For King and Country.
• Awesome Moment of Crowning: Happens offstage with the coronation of George VI. The Archbishop walks off to it and all that is heard is a door opening and "Zadok the Priest" at full volume.
• Badass Grandpa: Lionheart is not a grandfather, but is able to punch out several people considerably younger than himself. He is also a crack shot with a pistol and pretty handy with a gatling gun too.
• Badass Longcoat: Lionheart is always drawn wearing his flowing overcoat.
• Berserk Button: Do not call Lionheart an "old man". He will punch you in the face. Very hard.
• Catch Phrase: Whenever he gets into bother, Dunning exlaims "Oh crumbs!"
• The Character Died with Him: Following Nick Courtney's death, Lionheart is killed off offscreen. It's surprisingly well-handled and incredibly sad.
• Cool Gentleman of Mature Years: Inspector Lionheart, who is either 74 or 76 (he can't remember). He should have retired, but didn't.
• Dem Bones: The skeletons of long-dead Roundheads are reanimated to lead an attack on the coronation in For King and Country. Later on, an army of Cavaliers is similarly reanimated to defend it from them.
• Duel to the Death: Dunning ends up called out on a duel by General Warlock in The Nazad Conspiracy. Lionheart acts as his second.
  • Lionheart and Matthew Hopkins, in the rafters of Westminster Abbey in For King and Country.
• Eagle Land: D. D. Denham and Kitty in The Curse of the Black Comet. Denham is a mixture of flavour 1 and 2. He has obscene amounts of money that he spends buying works of art depicting Icarus. He then defaces them by having his own face painted onto the body of Icarus. But he's ultimately on the size of the angels. Kitty is more flavour 2. She's bubbly, hyperactive and very stupid, spouting incomprehensible American slang of the time period. She's so over the top, that Dunning doesn't realise she's American until it's pointed out to him. Until then, he'd just assumed that she was mentally ill.
• Eldritch Abomination: Shub-Niggurath in The Devil of Denge Marsh.
• Embarrassing First Name: Lionheart has one, although it is never revealed. Dunning sees it written down and wonders what the Inspector's parents can have been thinking.
• Expy: Sir Basil Champion in The Curse of the Black Comet is an intentionally rubbish version of Arthur Conan Doyle creation Professor Challenger.
  • Primula Manningtree in The Secret Weapon of Doom is clearly based on Doctor Who's arch-enemy in Real Life, Mrs. Mary Whitehouse.
  • Professor Dunning himself seems to be inspired by ghost story author MR James. Albeit it less talented than James. He's even named after the main character in James' story Casting the Runes.
  • Dunning creates his own for Lionheart in one of his stories in the form of a character called "Braveheart".
  • In The Horror of Loch Ness, Aleister Crowley Expy Oliver Haddo from W. Somerset Maugham's novel The Magician appears. Crowley is familiar with him and does not like him.
• Eye Scream: The ghost of Matthew Hopkins encounters a couple in a cinema and puts out their eyes for "looking on the profane".
• Fake American: In The Curse of the Black Comet D. D. Denham and his girlfriend Kitty are played by English actors. Also works in character as Kitty was just a Nazi agent pretending to be American.
• Fake Russian: Averted in The Nazad Conspiracy, where all the Russian characters are played by Russian actors.
• Genteel Interbellum Setting: The first play begins on Boxing Day 1936.
• Grammar Nazi: Aleister Crowley.

Aleister Crowley: I've come to save Mr. Lionheart. Henchman: What? Aleister Crowley: It's pardon! Now take that, you ruffian! Crowley then punches the henchman out.

• Government Agency of Fiction: Dunning and Lionheart work for MI-13. No, not that one.
• Ham-to-Ham Combat: Crops up frequently.
• Henpecked Husband: Harry Crow is one of these.
• Heterosexual Life Partners: Lionheart and Dunning.
• Hilarious Outtakes: There is a Behind-the-Scenes documentary (CAUTION: Offensive Language) for The Curse of the Black Comet featuring outtakes of Brian Blessed trying to sing the Bumsworth's School Song. It also has him describing his apparent sexual attraction for Nicholas Courtney in rather graphic terms. The warning on the website actually reads "Warning: Contains language that might offend. Particularly from Mr Blessed."
• Historical Domain Character: Aleister Crowley, BBC continuity announcer Leslie Mitchell, Witchfinder General Matthew Hopkins, Archbishop Cosmo Lang, Oliver Cromwell, Rasputin and many others pop up as characters.
• "I Know You're in There Somewhere" Fight: In For King and Country, Lionheart tries this when he is swordfighting with the Witchfinder General Matthew Hopkins, who has possessed the body of his rival, Inspector Natterjack. It doesn't work, as Natterjack briefly surfaces to inform Lionheart that he "doesn't like you either".
• I'm a Humanitarian: In a flashback to one of Sir Basil Champion's expeditions, the party play cards to decide who's going to go outside and shoot themselves so the others can cook and eat him.
• In Memoriam: The Magic Circle is an extended tribute to Nicholas Courtney, while The Horror of Loch Ness is dedicated to Philip Madoc, who died shortly after recording.
• Insistent Terminology / Its Pronounced Tropay: In The Curse of the Black Comet, Dunning constantly corrects D. D. Denham's American proncunciation of "Nazi". Every time Denham says "Nazzee", Dunning insistently replies "Nart-see".
  • Meanwhile, Sir Basil mispronounces it as "Nasty". But since he also mispronounces "Submarine" as "Sub-Maureen", and since he's utterly insane, noone bothers to correct him.
• Knight Fever: Dunning is awarded the Empire Gallantry Medal for saving the coronation in For King and Country. Lionheart is offered a knighthood, but he declines it, because of his Embarrassing First Name. Apparently it would be even more embarassing if it were preceded by "Sir".
  • In For King and Country, Harry Price titles himself Sir Harry Price, despite his not actually having been knighted.
  • Dunning and Lionheart masquerade as Viscount Dunning and Lord Lionheart in The Nazad Conspiracy.
• Large Ham: Brian Blessed in The Curse of the Black Comet
  • Leslie Phillips in The Secret Weapon of Doom
  • David Benson as Aleister Crowley.
    • And as D. D. Denham in The Curse of the Black Comet.
    • And when he's playing the Invisible Man on a cinema screen being watched by other characters in For King and Country.
• Meaningful Name: General Warlock is part of a black magic cult trying to resurrect Rasputin.
• Minor Insult Meltdown: In The Nazad Conspiracy, General Warlock asks Dunning if he likes Spanish women. Dunning replies that he believes a woman's mind to be more attractive than physical beauty. The General is insulted that Dunning apparently thinks he is frivolous for preferring loveliness, and that he must be married to a "moron". He works himself up into a fury, culminating in:

General Warlock: You stand there, bold as brass, and declare my wife to be a chimpanzee!

• Naked People Are Funny: Aleister Crowley is an occasional nudist. When he is first re-introduced in The Horror of Loch Ness he is capering around a restaurant naked in the mistaken belief that he has made himself invisible. He keeps moving things around so that people think the objects are floating. Everyone can see him, however. They don't want to disappoint him though, so they pretend that they can't.
• New Technology Is Evil: Quite literally how it is seen by the ghost of Matthew Hopkins in For King and Country. He believes television sets to be "spirit boxes", thus magical and the work of Satan. So he kills the people who use them.

Inspector Lionheart: So, we're looking for someone who thinks that twentieth century know-how is the work of the Devil. Well that doesn't narrow it down much. I've often felt that way myself...

• Old-Fashioned Copper: Lionheart. He's been mixing with villains for so long, that he knows how to beat them all at cards. He's also pretty handy with his fists.
• Old Soldier: Harry Crow was in the Sudan prior to becoming a policeman.
  • General Warlock in The Nazad Conspiracy.
• Paper-Thin Disguise: Professor Dunning tries to bluff his way into Westminster Abbey during George VI's coronation by claiming to be a milkman. He's dressed normally, but holding a bottle of milk. He succeeds.
• Phony Psychic: Madam Damnation in For King and Country. She tries to convince Inspector Natterjack that she's been posessed by The Duke of Wellington by putting on a funny voice and saying that she's the Duke of Wellington.
  • Harry Price is also pretty much a fraud. At least to begin with.
• Refuge in Audacity: In the pre-credits sequence of For King and Country, the main joke hinges around Lionheart accidentally punching a nun into unconsciousness.
• Running Gag: Whenever anyone buys a newspaper, the seller always says "Gawd bless yer, guv".
  • People misreading "MI-13" as "mib".
• Shout-Out: Unsurprisingly, there are a lot to Doctor Who, and Courtney's character The Brigadier. These include Lionheart shouting "Sergeant! Chap with the fangs there, Five Rounds Rapid!"
  • Much of The Devil of Denge Marsh is a shout out to The Wicker Man, including Britt Ekland's famous nude dance scene. However, this time around it's performed by an overweight, middle-aged and rather ugly landlord's wife. She's even called Mrs. Willow.

Professor Dunning: Aargh! The hideous mermaid!

• • • Entire lines of dialogue from the film are quoted in places. Then subverted. There's nothing quite as funny as hearing Willow's seductive song sung by an aging lady with a country accent who can't carry a tune.

Mrs Willow: Hey-hooooo, who is there? —Am I not young and FAAAAAAAAAAAIR?

• • There is the occasional shout to Dad's Army. Whenever there is a scene set in a church or cathedral, there is a Verger who sounds exactly like the Verger from Dad's Army.
  • A lot of The Curse of the Black Comet could be a shout out to Indiana Jones. Right down to Those Wacky Nazis.
  • The cover art for the CDs by Garen Ewing is very reminiscent of Tintin.
  • In The Horror of Loch Ness, Crow murmurs "We're going to need a bigger boat"
    • While later on Dunning proclaims that "We need to get Back to The Future!" In fact, both Professor Dunning and Sir Malcolm Campbell find themselves travelling in time after reaching 88 miles per hour.
    • And some of the plot is shout out to the Doctor Who story The Brain of Morbius. Right down to Philip Madoc playing the Mad Scientist role and the monster with a goldfish-bowl for a head.
• Spot of Tea: As Dunning says in The Nazad Conspiracy, "Murder, Black magic, I don't know. Still, nothing that can't be solved with a nice cup of tea!" Later on, when Lionheart is kidnapped, the first thing he is asked by his interrogators is whether he will take milk or lemon with his tea.
• Stylistic Suck: Edward Dunning is not a very good author.

Dunning: The noise seemed to last an eternity. But at last it faded, only to be replaced by a terrible sucking sound. Like a blancmange swirling down a plughole

• Suspiciously Similar Substitute: Averted when Harry Crow replaces Inspector Lionheart in The Magic Circle. While Lionheart was a gruff and grumpy copper who liked playing cards and refused to retire, Crow is retired, somewhat henpecked and trying out a variety of new hobbies. While Lionheart didn't hesitate to punch someone in the face, Crow prefers to shout at them.
• That's No Moon: "That's no dish. That's Shub-Niggurath, the Great Old One!"
• What Could Have Been: Now that Nicholas Courtney has died, we'll sadly never get a story in which Lionheart gets to punch Hitler in the face.
• Wholesome Crossdresser: Sir Basil Champion is revealed to be one of these. It comes in surprisingly useful when our heroes are looking for a way to fling an explosive over a large distance and need a sling or catapult of some kind.

Sir Basil: How about a ladies' brassiere? Lionheart: A ladies' brassiere? Where the hell are we going to get a ladies' brassiere? Sir Basil: I'm wearing one!

• Wicked Witch: The Totleigh-in-the-Wold Women's Institute.
• X Meets Y: Terry Molloy himself has described it as "Tintin and Dick Barton meets The X-Files".
• Yet Another Christmas Carol: Mr. Crowley's Christmas features the titular diabolist getting the Ebeneezer Scrooge treatment. It doesn't work out quite the same.

Aleister Crowley: I am the Wickedest Man in the World, and I do not make myself merry at Christmas!