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  • Piers, after he and Alan are sentenced to a Siberian gulag for ninety-nine years: "Good thing we had a sharp lawyer, or they really would have thrown the book at us!"
  • Alan, after learning that Piers's blabbing has caused his latest scheme to collapse in smoking rubble: "Piers.. Fletcher.. Dervish. Who died." (Slowly crushes and mangles the banana he's holding.)
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