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There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.—"Homicide"
A hilarious collection of broken aesops, family unfriendly aesops, and spoof definitions by American satirist Ambrose Bierce. They originally ran a few a week in newspapers, under the title The Cynic's Word Book, but were eventually compiled into a book that's now free from copyright. Bierce had nothing but contempt for the mores and customs of his fellow man, and his book is full of ungentle Deconstruction of what people secretly mean when they speak.
A perennial favorite of atheists, cynics, denizens of Encyclopedia Dramatica, and good old-fashioned Depressed People, it's considered by some to be a bona fide classic of American literature, although it isn't very well known in the mainstream and never achieved the notoriety of similar works, such as the writings of Edgar Allan Poe and H.P. Lovecraft. In a nutshell, The Devil's Dictionary is a dictionary that claims to present the "true" definitions of words, or rather the concepts said words supposedly represent, free of the superficial and hypocritical connotations they've gained throughout their years in the zeitgeist. As expected of Bitter Bierce, the vast majority of these paint even universally benevolent concepts (like "friendship") in a very grim light, often accompanied by poems or rhymes written by Bierce under a series of bizarre and cryptic aliases. Bierce had fierce hatred for mediocrity, common morality and religion, and his frequent jabs caused a great deal of controversy.
Many definitions came with quotes, real or fabricated, illustrating the folly usually accompanying the use of the word. He also frequently employed puns, some to truly awful effect. Some examples:
ACCORDION, n.—An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
ADMIRATION, n.—Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
COMPROMISE, n.—Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.
CONSERVATIVE, n.—A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
CORSAIR, n.—A politician of the seas.
DEJEUNER, n.—The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. Variously pronounced.
FOOL, n.—A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity. He is omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscience, omnipotent. He it was who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the telegraph, the platitude and the circle of the sciences. He created patriotism and taught the nations war -- founded theology, philosophy, law, medicine and Chicago. He established monarchical and republican government. He is from everlasting to everlasting -- such as creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now. In the morning of time he sang upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the procession of being. His grandmotherly hand was warmly tucked-in the set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening meal of milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the universal grave. And after the rest of us shall have retired for the night of eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human civilization.
FRIENDSHIP, n.—A ship big enough to carry two in good weather, but only one in foul.
HARANGUE, n.—A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue- outang.
MONDAY, n.—In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
OCCIDENT, n.—The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.
PATRIOTISM, n.—Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
TWICE, adv.—Once too often.
- And I Must Scream
- And Zoidberg: Man "multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada."
- Broken Aesop
- Brutal Honesty
- Black Comedy
- Corrupt Church
Clergyman, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.
- Darker and Edgier
- Evil Chancellor: Yes, here, of all places. One appears in the poem after the definition for "Redundant."
The Sultan said, "There's evidence abundant
To prove this unbelieving dog redundant"
To which the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive,
Replied "His head, at least, appears excessive."
Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
- Literary Agent Hypothesis: Most of the poetry is quite self-evidently written by Bierce, but he gives fake names for its "writers."
- Never Say "Die"
Die, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long intervals, however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not true, for it is cut. [...]
Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.
- Matzo Fever: Bierce evidently had it, considering the following definition:
Hebrew, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation.
- Parody: Of the dictionary of all things
- Rhymes on a Dime - most of his poems.
- Screw the Rules, I Have Money
Impunity, n. Wealth.
- Sliding Scale of Idealism Versus Cynicism: Need we even say which side it falls on? Also incredible is the sheer number of Take Thats, satirical jabs, and general fuck-yous it aims at the other end.
- Spoof Aesop
- Take a Third Option - Whenever confronted with two opposing worldviews (atheism and Christianity, communism and capitalism, rationalism and mysticism) Bierce typically heaped scorn on both.
- Take That - at Romanticism in general, but especially vicious against concepts of love and faith.
- Tragic Mulatto: The quote on the page sums it up.
- Values Dissonance: Look under "African".