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  • Eleanor is depressed, so Franklin goes to Wilson for advice. However, "Wilson" is just a scarecrow with a frog perched on its shoulder, so Franklin takes its advice to mean that he should convince his wife to "Rivet, rivet, rivet." Cut to Eleanor high on a construction site riveting into a girder:
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    • Later that episode:
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 Franklin: Oh, Wilson, my wife is happy again!

("Wilson" is actually a scarecrow with an owl perched on its shoulder)

"Wilson": Hoo.

Franklin: My wife, Eleanor.

"Wilson": Hoo.

Franklin: My wife, Eleanor.

"Wilson": Hoo.

Franklin: My wife, Eleanor. (Continues into the night...)

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    • Jay even closes the episode with, "Goodnight, Critic fans. And a special goodnight to those of you just tuning in for Home Improvement."
    • When Eleanor has a meeting about her new book, the publisher compares it favorably to another author: Dr. Seduce and his book, Horton Hears His Neighbors In Bed.
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 Franklin: (reading it) Oh goodie! It's a pop-up book!

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    • Jay's nightmare of being attacked by his ever-growing dog, which starts off as a parody of Jurassic Park.
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 "Help! Help! Or at least put me in a better Spielberg movie!"

(cut to a Jaws sequence)

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  • Let us not forget that the reason everyone was at the debutante ball was, as Franklin said, "To see those nitro-burning funny cars! Vroom vroom!"
  • Jay's student film L'artiste est Morte.
  • From the episode "Miserable", a talking bookstand in Jay's likeness is used to knock out Jay's kidnapper, but then...:
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 Jay Bookstand: Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my boo- (Jeremy shoots its head)

Jeremy: (To Jay) Sorry, it had to be done.

Jay: Why? All he said was "Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!" (Jeremy points his gun at him) I'll be quiet.

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 Jay: That wasn't a clip, that was the entire movie.

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 Jay: {annoyed) Get that off my show.

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 Alice: (Introducing herself and Penny to Jay) I'm Alice Tompkins and this is my daughter Penny.

Penny: You didn't like The Lion King! You're mean! (Punches Jay in the nose)

Alice: (Surprised) Penny!

Jay: It's all right. Rex Reed did the same thing.

Penny: (Smiling apologetically to Jay) I'm sorry. (Kisses him on the nose)

Jay: Aww. Rex did that too.

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 Duke: I'm Duke Phillips, and from now on I'm speaking my own mind. First, I'll tell you what I'm really gonna do as president. I'll run this country like I run my company. I'm gonna raid the pension fund, dump chemicals in the ocean, and sell our best assets to the Japanese.

Ronald Reagan: (watching Duke on TV with Nancy Reagan) Ooh! Looks like Reaganomics is making a comeback.

Duke: Half of you states are in the toilet, and you're not coming out! New York, you know what I'm talking about! California, kiss your smoggy butt goodbye! New England, you're going back to Old England.

Queen Elizabeth II: (watching Duke on TV) Ooh, I don't want that.

Prince Charles: (comes in with a tray of tea) MORE POISON!? I MEAN, TEA!?

Queen Elizabeth II: Ah, don't mind if I do. (looks in the cup) You almost had me there. (whacks him over the head with her scepter, knocking him unconscious)

Duke: Well, that's my speech. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put on some leather and go get spanked. (gets on his horse) Vote for Duke. Good night. (rides off)

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  • Jay listening to his answering machine:
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 Gene Siskel: Hey, Jay! It's Gene Siskel. I've decided I'd like YOU to be my partner. Let me know if you're game so I can tell Rex Reed to get lost.

(beep)

Roger Ebert: Jay, it's Roger Ebert. How'd you like to be my new partner? Give me a call so I can get Rex Reed out of my hair.

(beep)

Rex Reed: Jay, it's Rex Reed. I don't care if you got the job. I've got a NEW partner. (monkey screeches) That's right, Pauline Kael!

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 Gene Shalit: (phoning Jay in the opening credits) Hi, this is Gene Shalit. I'm having a bad hair day. If you don't believe me, look out the window!

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  • In a scene from The Bodyguard 2:
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 (Kevin Costner is simultaneously carrying The Three Tenors in his arms, trying to keep his balance while he carries them out the back door of a theatre)

Three Tenors: (singing) Weeeee-HEE-heeeee-HEE-heeee will always love yoooooooooou!

(Costner suddenly falls, and the weight of the three causes his back to break)

Luciano Pavarotti: Boy, this guy can’t carry a tune.

(All three tenors laugh)

Luciano Pavarotti: (seriously) Hey fellas, (lays handkerchief on Costner’s face) I think he’s dead.

(All three tenors laugh)

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 Richard Attenborough: You may have us, but you'll never get off the island!

Raptor: (speaking in an English accent, holding a pipe) I beg to differ. For you see, the other Raptors and I have constructed a crude suspension bridge to Venezuela. Once there, I shall lie low and assume odd-jobs under the name "Mr. Pilkington." But perhaps I've said too much... (smokes pipe)

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 Orson Welles: Hello, I'm Orson Welles. What follows is a terrifying journey into the world of magic, mystery -

Lawyer: Mr. Welles, this is a video will.

Orson Welles: What? Look, I don't need to do this, I've got a fish stick commercial in an hour. (Walks away but then comes back) Oh what the hell, I need the money. (Sits back down) What follows is a terrifying journey into the world of probate, beneficiaries, and GOBLINS!

Lawyer: Mr. Welles!

Orson Welles: Fine, fine, no goblins. I give you ... THE LIVING WILL! (Laughs evilly)

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    • As well as:
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 Orson Welles: And remember, there is no fish stick like Mrs. Pell's.

Lawyer: (Off-screen) This isn't a commercial.

Orson Welles: I know, that was just a declaration of love. (Eats one) Yes. Oh, yes! They're even better raw!

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      • Later, his ghost appears to Margo:
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 Orson Welles: And I too have gone to a better place. A place filled with Mrs. Pell's fishsticks. (eats them) Yes, oh, yes! They're even better when you're dead!

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 Orson Welles: Rosebud. Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness ... Wait, that's terrible! I quit! Just a handful for the road. (Takes a handful and pops a few in his mouth.) Oh, what luck! There's a french fry stuck in my beard! (Eats) Oh yeah.

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 Orson Welles: A rich, full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug. And for a little magic, I will make this jug disappear. (glug, glug, glug)

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  • From the episode "Eyes on the Prize":
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 Jay: Hello, I'm Jay Sherman. This morning on English For Cab Drivers, I was going to teach you how to say "He was already dead when I hit him."

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    • Later on, at the Pulitzer Prize ceremony, the host mentions the following:
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 Jimmy Breslin: Tonight, we will honor the greatest writers in America with a modest 9x12 certificate and a check for three thousand dollars. Three thousand dollars?! Stephen King makes that for writing "Boo" on a cocktail napkin!

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  • In "Sherman, Woman and Child," we see a flashback of a 14-year-old Jay getting on a bus to summer camp and his parents telling him to have fun, until ...
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 Franklin: Sweetie, I think that was the bus to Attica prison.

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    • The topper is that he's dressed in very old-timey garb (as in "Little Boy Blue" outfit) when he goes, complete with blonde curls peeking out of the hat.
  • Jay reviews Barney: The Motion Picture, starring one of America's best actors:
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 Marlon Brando: This is so humiliating. You know I had to lose a hundred pounds to play a dinosaur? Can’t even see through the eyeholes on this thing. (crashes into a wall) Whoa! (and falls over, grunting)

Kid: Hey, Barney's being funny!

Brando: No I'm not. I don't do comedy. Not since The Freshman, that piece of crap. I don't know what I was thinking making that picture, let me tell ya.

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 19th Century Terrorist: Who are you?

Jeremy: My name's Monroe. James Monroe. And here's a taste of The Monroe Doctrine.

(karate chop!)

Jeremy: (to Bond Girl) Welcome to the Era of Good Feelings.

Bond Girl: Oh, James!

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 Marty: Hurry up Dad, you've only got ten seconds to get to Long Island!

Jay: Uh-oh, Yankee Stadium is emptying out!

Marty: (As character gets attacked by crowd) And it's Nickel Beer Day! (Character jumps over crowd)

Jay: Oh no, the Reverend Al Sharpton!

Al Sharpton: Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah---(Character withers away to a skeleton, then to dust and "Game Over" appears)

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 Franklin: A penguin! (Grabs bottle of Johnny Swagger brand alcohol) And he's been drinking! Wait a minute ... Penguins can't fly! PENGUINS CAN'T FLY! (Plane goes down)

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    • From that same episode, Margo is listening to the black box from the plane, and hears the following exchange:
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 Franklin: Help! Our plane's going down, and our pilot's a penguin!

Penguin: Wak-wak-wak

Franklin: No I will not "pray with you"!

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  • Duke promised to pay $100 to anyone Jay couldn't make laugh within a month ... and a legion shows up at Duke's building to collect, including Jay's parents.
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 Jay: Mom? Dad? I never made you laugh?

Franklin: Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff.

Eleanor: No, Franklin, that was the Roadrunner.

Jay: (shamefully) No, that was me.

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  • When Duke breaks down crying on Coming Attractions.
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 Male TV Announcer: (talking fast-paced) Viewer Disclaimer: Duke Phillips is not himself. He has been mixing NyQuil and DayQuil.

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  • When Doris lies and convinces Duke that she was the Southern Belle from his costume ball:
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 Jay: Duke, this is crazy. She's not from the South.

Doris: I'm from Alabama.

Duke: Mobile?

Doris: Just barely.

(later that night at Duke's mansion)

Jay: Doris, you are not from the South.

Doris: I told you, I'm from Alabama.

Duke: Tuscaloosa?

Doris: No, I use Denture Grip.

(later, when Miranda finally reveals herself, after refusing to meet him because she had a single crow's foot)

Miranda: You don't mind my wrinkle?

Duke: Hey, I was going to marry her and she's nothing but wrinkles. Her whole body looks like Reagan's neck.

Doris: (dully annoyed) Good one, Duke.

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  • In "Eyes on the Prize," Duke tells Jay that he's starting to repeat himself and shows a three-split screen video as proof:
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 Jay: (section 1, from 1988) Rain Man (section 2, from 1992) A Few Good Men (section 3, from 1993) The Firm (all together) is the latest stinker from Tom Cruise. He doesn't act anymore, he's on ... Cruise Control! AAAAAAHAHAHA! AAAAAAHA! I JUST ... I JUST! MADE THAT! UP!

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 Humphrey: Hey, kids! Let's welcome our special guest Madonna!

(She appears on screen)

Humphrey: Hey, Madonna!

Madonna: Don't {{[[[Sound Effect Bleep]] Censor Bleep}}] with me, hippo.

Humphrey: Hey, do you eat with that mouth?

Madonna: Yeah, and I also {{[[[Sound Effect Bleep]] Censor Bleep}}] and {{[[[Sound Effect Bleep]] Censor Bleep}}] with it.

Humphrey: Ewwwwwwwwww.

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  • During the episode where Franklin and Eleanor are presumed dead, Jay, the beneficiary of their estate, goes on a tour of the various Sherman-owned industries. They're all various evil industries, including a cigarette company that markets to children. When the Corrupt Corporate Executive of the factory finds out he's being shut down:
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 Executive: But Mr. Sherman, think of the children. If they don't have cigarettes, what'll they do after they have sex?

Jay: You're a bad man.

Executive: Hey, if it's a crime to encourage children to smoke and have sex, then lock me up.

(Gilligan Cut to him locked up in the back of a police van)

Executive: (dejected) I need a hug.

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 Cher: (as Jay looks at her disconcerted) You no good {{[[[Sound Effect Bleep]] Censor Bleep}}]! {{[[[Sound Effect Bleep]] Censor Bleep}}] you, you piece of {{[[[Sound Effect Bleep]] Censor Bleep}}]! Kiss my white feminine toned and tattooed {{[[[Sound Effect Bleep]] Censor Bleep x4}}]!

Jay: (after clip ends) A very classy lady.

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 Female Movie Executive: Woo hoo! Sherman’s gone!

Male Movie Executive: Let’s release that unwatchable Steve Guttenberg movie, quick!

Female Movie Executive: Uh … which one?

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 Alice: Jay, where'd you park?

Jay: I left my car with the valet.

Alice: There's no valet!

Jay: D'OH!

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  • In "Dial M For Mother", after getting test audience feedback, Jay is apparently worse than Hitler.
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  Duke Phillips: No, not worse, just less warm and cuddly.

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 Jay: Because I love you people, I won't force you to watch the musical number. Well, maybe just a little.

Ahnold: (Singing) Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel! I made you out of clay!

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  • After Prince Charles is thrown out of a preschool:
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 Prince Charles: I'll have your heads for this!

Guard: Who died and made you king?

Prince Charles: (sniffing) Nobody.

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 "Booty booty booty! YEEEEAAAAH BOY-EEEEEE!"

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