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A Study In Pink

  • Quite dark, but the whole idea that after the update of the setting, Watson was still injured in Afghanistan
  • John's very quick to agree to join Sherlock for an investigation:

 Sherlock: You're a doctor. In fact, you're an army doctor.

John: ... Yes.

Sherlock: Any good?

John: Very good.

Sherlock: Seen a lot of injuries then. Violent deaths.

John: Well... yes.

Sherlock: Bit of trouble too, I bet.

John: Of course, yes. Enough for a lifetime. Far too much.

Sherlock: ... Wanna see some more?

John: Oh God yes.

  • Any time John tries to flirt with Anthea... and completely strikes out.
  • Sherlock's parting remark and excuse for dashing off from his first meeting with John: "I think I left my riding crop in the mortuary." Especially when you remember that we saw what Sherlock was doing with a riding crop in a mortuary (and it was still weird and wrong and slightly disturbing) but John has absolutely no context for this remark whatsoever.
  • This is the joke that just keeps on giving the more you think about it: Sherlock notices everything about everyone- except himself. At the beginning of "A Study In Pink", Sherlock's idea of his own worst habits are playing the violin when he's thinking, and sometimes not talking for days on end. He seems to have left out such cute little habits as:

 Storing body parts in the fridge and eyeballs in the microwave,

Keeping a human skull on the mantlepiece,

Potentially having a stash of presumably illegal narcotics on the premises,

Shooting up a smiley face on the wall when bored,

Apparently not needing to sleep for days on end (and not letting anybody else sleep either),

Attention-seeking and expecting to be entertained every time he's bored (which happens quite often)

Rudeness of both the blatant and snarky varieties,

Spreading his personal belongings absolutely everywhere, including commandeering the kitchen table (and fridge),

Treating his flatmate's few personal belongings as if he has a God-given right to use them without asking.

Pissing off the cops so much that they'll conduct (fake) drug busts as retaliation.

Occassionally walking around the house in just a bedsheet.

Refusal to answer the door and phone, even though they are usually for him.

    • According to Sherlock's forum and John's blog, Sherlock also communicates with John online if he's feeling too lazy to walk upstairs to speak with him in person, insults him on a public website, threatens his personal belongings because he's bored and seems not to have done any housework, at all, in two months. But yep. That violin sure is an annoying habit, Sherlock.
  • The text scene in the beginning of "A Study In Pink". Wrong!
    • Doubly so because Sherlock is not even present at the press conference and he still knows exactly when to simultaneously send this message to every single journalist's cell phone.
  • Sherlock's creative cookery:

 Donovan: Are these human eyes?

Sherlock: Put them back!

Donovan: They were in the microwave!

Sherlock: It's an experiment!

  • In "A Study in Pink", John learns the hard way that doing what Sherlock says without question will inevitably have some weird consequences:

  John: Sorry- what are we doing? Did I just text a murderer?

  • Sherlock abruptly revealing that two of the police officers are having an affair.

 Sherlock: I knew from your deodorant.

Anderson: My deodorant?

Sherlock: It's for men.

Anderson: Well of course it's for men, I'm wearing it!

Sherlock: So is Sergeant Donovan.

  • Blood drains from Anderson's face*

Sherlock: Phew, I think it just vaporized...

  • From the same scene, Sherlock passes Sergeant Donovan and tells Anderson:

 Sherlock And I assume she scrubbed your floor, going by the state of her knees.

    • The line and then the subsequent look on Donovan's face is funny enough, but when John walks past her, he absolutely can't help himself and glances down at her knees.
  • This over his shoulder to Anderson:

 Sherlock: "Anderson, don't talk out loud, you lower the IQ of the entire street."

  • Sherlock just can't and won't miss any chance to bully Anderson just for fun:

 Sherlock: "Shut up everybody, shut up! Don't move, don't speak, don't breathe, I'm trying to think. Anderson, face the other way, you're putting me off."

Anderson: "What, my face is?"

Lestrade: "Everybody, quiet and still. Anderson, turn your back."

Anderson: "Oh, for God's sake..."

Lestrade: "Your back! Now, please!"

  • After Mycroft gets John's attention by calling every phone he walks past on the street.

 John: You know, I've got a phone. I mean, very clever and all that... but, uh, you could just phone me. On my phone.

  • Responding to John, who's just noticed that he's wearing three nicotine patches on one forearm:

  Sherlock: It's a three-patch problem.

    • Of course, if you think about it, it's a nod back to the original, in which Holmes sometimes measured the time it took him to solve a case in tobacco pipes he had to smoke through.
  • Sherlock explains how he knew Watson had served in Afghanistan.

 Watson: That was... amazing!

Sherlock: You think so?

Watson: Of course it was, it was extraordinary. It was quite extraordinary.

Sherlock: Not what people usually say.

Watson: What do people usually say?

Sherlock: "Piss off."

  • Sherlock and the cabbie are discussing Sherlock's "fan."

 Cabbie: You're too modest, Mr Holmes.

Sherlock: I'm really not.

  Sherlock: Anderson, I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath; do your research.

  • And in case you were wondering where he'd gotten the idea:

  Sherlock: BRILLIANT! YES! Four serial suicides, and now a note! Oh, it's Christmas!

 Mrs. Hudson: Just have a sit down and rest your leg.

John Watson: DAMN MY LEG! Sorry!

  • Sherlock and John are sitting in a restaurant on a stakeout, and it turns out Sherlock is a favorite of the waiter, who he had proved was committing a burglary at the time of a triple murder.

 Angelo: He cleared my name.

Sherlock: I cleared it a bit.

Angelo: But for this man, I'd have gone to prison.

Sherlock: You did go to prison.

Angelo: (brings a candle, gives Watson a thumbs-up)

    • At the thumbs-up gesture, John stops protesting about not being Sherlock's date and instead gives a defeated, politely mumbled "thanks..."
    • The scene from the unaired pilot is also pretty funny, as well as being sweeter than the above scene, with Angelo actually hugging a nonplussed Sherlock and promising to personally cook whatever they ordered himself.
  • The unaired pilot has an hysterical scene where Sherlock throws a glass of white wine in his own face (John's reaction is gold), then asks Angelo using the code "headless nun" to throw him out onto the street for being drunk. Angelo obliges in the most enthusiastic "And STAY OUT!" way possible. It's a pity this never made it into the series, as Sherlock's subsequent fake-drunk stumbling about in front of traffic is hilarious.
  • After the chase after the cab, Sherlock and John arrive back at Baker Street, breathless and giggling:

 John: That was ridiculous. That was... the most ridiculous thing I've ever done...

Sherlock: And you invaded Afghanistan...

John: [Giggling hysterically] That wasn't just me.

  • Lestrade getting into Sherlock's flat by doing a drugs bust.

 Sherlock: I'm not your sniffer dog!

Lestrade: No. Anderson's my sniffer dog.

Sherlock: Wh-- Anderson, what are you doing here on a drugs bust?!

Anderson: (smug) Oh, I volunteered.

Lestrade: They all did. They're not strictly speaking ON the drug squad, but they're very keen.

  • Sherlock and Lestrade at a crime scene.

 Sherlock: Shut up.

Lestrade: I didn't say anything.

Sherlock: You were thinking. It's annoying.

  • Sherlock responds quite reasonably to Watson and Lestrade's confusion regarding one of his deductions:

 Sherlock: Dear god, what is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring.

    • Sherlock seems to think repeating the word "Rachel" is going to enlighten the whole room:

 Sherlock: Ha, look at you lot, you're all so vacant. Is it nice not being me? It must be so relaxing.

    • This bit:

 Sherlock: What's wrong?

John: I just met a friend of yours.

Sherlock: [taken aback] A friend?

John: Well, an enemy.

Sherlock: [calmly] Oh. Which one?

John: Well, your arch-enemy, according to him. Do people have arch-enemies?

Sherlock: Did he offer you money to spy on me?

John: ... Yes.

Sherlock: Did you take it?

John: No.

Sherlock: Pity. We could've split the fee. Think it through next time.

    • And later:

 John: Have you talked to the police?

Sherlock: Four people are dead. There isn't time to talk to the police.

John: So why are you talking to me?!

Sherlock: Mrs. Hudson took my skull...

John: ... So I'm just basically filling in for your skull?

Sherlock: Relax, you're doing fine.

  • Made funnier by the fact that Sherlock sounds rather forlorn when talking about the skull, and taking a longing look at where it used to sit.
  • The reveal that the man who calls himself Sherlock's "archenemy" is actually his brother.

 John: So when you say you're concerned about him... you really are concerned about him?

Mycroft: Yes, of course.

John: And when he says that it's a childish really is a childish feud?

Mycroft: [sighs heavily] He's always been so resentful. You can imagine the Christmas dinners...

John: Yeah... no. God, no.

  • The entire ending to A Study in Pink is pure genius. Here are a few gems that stand out:

 Sherlock: Why have I got this blanket? They keep putting this blanket on me.

Lestrade: Yeah, it's for shock.

Sherlock: I'm not in shock!

Lestrade: Yeah, but some of the guys might want to take photographs...

Sherlock: *sighs* So the shooter? No sign?

Lestrade: Nope. He got away before we got here. But a man like that could've had enemies, I suppose one of them might have been following him, but...we've got nothing to go on.

Sherlock: Oh, I wouldn't say that...

Lestrade: Okay, give me.

Sherlock: The bullet they just dug out of the walls is from a hand gun...[goes on to explain every detail at a thousand miles per second] You're looking for a man probably with a history of military service, and...nerves of steel...{{[spoiler| catches sight of John and}} realizes who the killer is]...Actually, you know what, ignore me.

Lestrade: Sorry?

Sherlock: Ignore all of that. It's just the...the shock talking. [Starts walking away]

Lestrade: Where are you going?

Sherlock: I just need to... talk about...

Lestrade: But I've still got questions!

Sherlock: Oh, what now? I'm in shock! Look, I've got a blanket!

Lestrade: Sherlock...

Sherlock: And... I've just caught you a serial killer...more or less.

    • Also this bit:

 Sherlock: Are you all right?

John: Yes, yes, of course I'm all right.

Sherlock: You have just killed a man.

John: Yes, I...[pause] That's true, isn't it? [Another pause] But, he wasn't a very nice man.

Sherlock: No. No, he wasn't really, was he?

John: No. And frankly, a bloody awful cabbie.

Sherlock: [Smiles] That's true, he was a bad cabbie. You should have seen the route he took to get us here!

John: [laughing] Shh, we can't giggle, it's a crime scene, stop it!

Sherlock: Yeah, well, you're the one that shot him, don't blame me.

John: Keep your voice down!

    • And this:

 Mycroft: Did it ever occur to you that we belong on the same side?

Sherlock: Oddly enough, no.

    • And later:

 Sherlock: Good evening, Mycroft. Try not to start a war before I get home, you know what it does to the traffic.

    • Also:

 John: So, dinner?

Sherlock: Mmm. I can always predict the fortune cookies.

John: No, you can't.

Sherlock: Almost can. You did get shot, though?

John: ... Sorry?

Sherlock: In Afghanistan. There was an actual wound.

John: Oh, yeah. Shoulder.

Sherlock: Shoulder! I thought so.

John: No, you didn't.

Sherlock: Left one?

John: Lucky guess.

Sherlock: I never guess.

John: Yes, you do.

Sherlock: [smiles]

John: What are you so happy about?

Sherlock: Moriarty.

John: What's "Moriarty"?

Sherlock: I have absolutely no idea.

  • Also this bit at the end of the unaired pilot:

 Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock! What have you done to my house?

Sherlock: [matter-of-factly] Nothing wrong with your house, Mrs. Hudson, which is more than can be said for the dead serial killer on your first floor.

Mrs. Hudson: What?!

Sherlock: Good news for London, bad news for your carpet. Good night, Mrs. Hudson.

Mrs. Hudson: I'm not your housekeeper!

John: [laughs] Good night, Mrs. Hudson.

The Blind Banker

  • Poor John trying to get some grocery shopping done doesn't go quite as planned, leading to this funny exchange:

 John: Yeah, I didn't get the shopping.

Sherlock: What? Why not?

John: Because I had a row in the shop with a chip and PIN machine!

Sherlock: You--you had a row with a machine?

John: Sort of. It sat there and I shouted abuse.

John: Me, Sherlock! In court! On Tuesday! They're giving me an ASBO!

Sherlock: Good. Fine.

    • And before that, the speed with which Sherlock and the urban artist dash out of the frame when the police arrive. John looks so annoyed.
    • And the conclusion of the scene back at Baker Street, where a completely unsympathetic Sherlock prevents John from sitting down, physically puts his jacket back on him and pushes him out the door to go back to Dimmock, despite John's weak protests.
  • The total disgust in John's tone here makes it hilarious:

  John: You said 'circus.' This is not a circus. Look at the size of this crowd. Sherlock, this is... art.

 Sherlock: (grabs John's head) Shh! John, concentrate! I need you to concentrate. Close your eyes.

John: What? Why? Why? What are you doing?

Sherlock: (grips his shoulders and starts spinning them in a circle) I need you to maximize your visual memory. Try to picture what you saw. Can you picture it?

John: Yeah...

Sherlock: Can you remember it?

John: Yes, definitely.

Sherlock: Can you remember the pattern?

John: Yes--

Sherlock: How much can you remember it?

John: Look, don't worry!

Sherlock: Because the average human memory on visual matters is only 62% accurate!

John: Yeah, well, don't worry. I remember all of it.

Sherlock: (skeptical) Really?

John: (shakes himself free of Sherlock's grasp, annoyed) Yeah! Well, at least I would if I could get to my pockets! I took a photograph! (shows Sherlock the picture of the graffiti he took on his phone)

  • When Sherlock crashes John's date, they have a completely hilarious discussion on the staircase at the circus:

 John: I do have other things on my mind, you know.

Sherlock: Like what?

John: (Gives the most epic look of stark staring disbelief in the history of television): You are joking!

    • Several seconds later, John has to spell it out that he's "trying to get off with Sarah" [1] Only thing is, Sarah happens to be right behind him. His reaction when he sees her is hilarious. Bonus points when it's clear that she's heard him, and as he leads her up the staircase she looks at him as if to say "hell yeah, that sounds fine by me."

 Sherlock: How would you describe me, John? Resourceful? Dynamic? Enigmatic?

John: Late.

  • I love that moment when Sherlock buzzes a victim's upstairs neighbor to trick her into letting him in:

 Sherlock: Hi, um I live in the flat just below you. Yeah, I don't think we've met!

Ms. Wintle: No, well, er, I just moved in.

Sherlock: [grimaces] Actually I just locked my keys in my flat!

Ms. Wintle: You want me to buzz you in?

Sherlock: Yeah. And can I use your balcony?

Ms. Wintle: What? [Cuts to Sherlock jumping from her balcony onto the one below it]

  • This is a cute moment that becomes funnier in hindsight of two seasons: when Sherlock and John are poking around the Lucky Cat shop, the woman behind the counter makes a pretty shameless attempt to sell a Lucky Cat to John, saying she thinks his wife would like it. She is, so far, the first, last and only complete stranger Sherlock and John have come across who has voiced the assumption that John is straight.

The Great Game

  • Sherlock opens the envelope address to him at the police station and finds a familiar looking pink phone. Cue:

 John: That's the phone... the pink phone...

Lestrade: What, from 'A Study in Pink'?

Sherlock: Obviously it's not the same phone but it's supposed to look l- (Double-take) 'A Study in Pink'? You read his blog?

Lestrade: 'Course I read his blog. We all do. Do you really not know that the earth goes 'round the sun?

[Donovan sniggers, Sherlock glares at her, John looks mortified and tries to make himself as small as possible]

  • Sherlock, John and Lestrade get the key to 221C from Mrs Hudson, who is wittering on about how she can't rent 221C out because of the damp. Sherlock, ignoring her, unlocks the door and the three of them charge in- John gives her a brief apologetic look, but Sherlock and Lestrade ignore her completely. She turns to go back to her own apartment, and very quietly, we get this:

 Mrs Hudson: Oh, men.

  • When Sherlock is offended by John stating that he doesn't know the most elementary things, he's reading a magazine upside down.
    • After the ensuing argument:

  Mrs Hudson: You two had a little domestic?

  • On seeing Molly's new boyfriend Sherlock blurts out "gay." When asked to repeat himself, he corrects it to "nothing, um. Hey."
  • John admitting that he and Mrs. Hudson watch trashy telly. Then he introduces Sherlock to it, and we get this:

  Sherlock: No, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Of COURSE he's not the boy's father!!! Look at the turn-ups on his jeans!!!

    • Then muttering to John that the show he's watching isn't "a patch on Connie Prince." That's right, Sherlock has now developed an addiction to a crappy daytime-TV fashion makeover show.
    • When they go to view Connie Prince's body at the morgue, Lestrade asks Sherlock if he watches Prince's makeover show in tones that imply that he also watches it.
      • And it all becomes even funnier when you remember that in A Study in Pink, Sherlock had used completely disgusted tones when he pointed out that, instead of coming out to Northumberland Street with him, John could just "watch telly."
  • John discovering that Sherlock's been keeping a cadaver's severed head in the fridge.

 John: A severed head.

Sherlock: Just tea for me, thanks.

John: There's a severed head in the fridge.

Sherlock: ... Yes...

John: A bloody head!

Sherlock: Well, where else was I supposed to put it? You don't mind, do you?

    • John's response to this last question is a helpless "well..." and defeated kind of flail. He drops the subject, and we never do find out what happened to the head after that.
  • This, during the Connie Prince investigation:

 Lestrade: Why is he doing this, the bomber? If this woman's death was suspicious, why point it out?

Sherlock: Good Samaritan?

Lestrade: Who press-gangs suicide bombers?

Sherlock: Bad Samaritan?

  • This troper can't help giggling whenever she sees this exchange. Moriarty's tone sells it:

 Moriarty: No one ever gets to me. And no one ever will.

Sherlock: (clicks off the safety) I did.

Moriarty: (cheerfully) You've come the closest. Now you're in my way.

Sherlock: Thank you.

Moriarty: Didn't mean it as a compliment.

Sherlock: Yes you did.

Moriarty: Yeah, okay, I did.

  • Later in the conversation:

 Sherlock: Catch you later.

Moriarty: (high-pitched sing-song voice) No you won't!

  • Along with John's utter and persistent disbelief that Sherlock doesn't know the earth goes around the sun ("But it's the solar system!"), this line:

 Sherlock: Oh, you meant 'spectacularly ignorant' in a nice way.

John: But it's the solar system!

Sherlock: Oh what does it matter? If we went round the moon or round and round the garden like a teddy bear, it wouldn't make any difference!

  • Sherlock's priceless "fisticuffs" stance during the fight with the Golem.

 John: Well, I'm glad no one saw that...

Sherlock: What?

John: You, ripping my clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. People might talk.

Sherlock: People do little else.

    • Which becomes a hilarious Brick Joke in "The Reichenbach Fall" as they're running down the street while handcuffed together and the handcuffs keep getting in the way:

 Sherlock: Take my hand!


John: ...Now people are definitely going to talk.

  • John rushes back into the flat after a bomb went off across the street; Mycroft and Sherlock are sitting inside having a chat. He didn't tell either of them where he'd been.

 Sherlock: John, how's the lie-low?

Mycroft: [Not even looking at John] Sofa, Sherlock. It was a sofa.

Sherlock: [Gives John a one-second double take] Oh yes, of course.

    • John's bewildered reaction, and subsequent dropping of the matter that follows is the icing on the cake.
  • When John wakes up on aforementioned sofa, he's clearly had an awful night's sleep, prompting Sarah tell him she'd told him he "should have gone with the lie-low." She then fishes around behind John's back for the TV remote. He'd been sleeping on it.
  • Sherlock pretending to be a photographer in this episode is hilarious, just because of how awful he is. The man they are investigating and supposedly interviewing is utterly bewildered. The fact that we get to see the awful photos in question as Sherlock takes them is just the icing on the cake.
    • John's not much better at the undercover thing. While posing as a journalist, he can't help himself and gets all doctory on the subject of tetanus.
  • In the abovementioned scene, Prince's brother abruptly invading John's personal space, and John's borderline-terrified reaction, is hilarious. As if that wasn't enough, Prince's cat takes a distinct liking to John, swarming all over his lap the second he sits down. He at one point appears to be trying to prise her claws out of his thigh. John evidently isn't much of a fan of hairless cats.
    • This is extra funny when you hear the commentary between Gatiss, Freeman and Cumberbatch. Apparently this was one of the very first scenes filmed and involved two cats, both apparently "trained." Gatiss reluctantly acknowledged that they then discovered that "there is no such thing as a trained cat." Freeman jumps in with "Hell no. It was trained in hurting John Sessions!" (Sessions playing Connie's brother.)

A Scandal in Belgravia

  • This exchange, when John is investigating the crime scene and talking to Sherlock over video chat:

 Sherlock: This case is a six, at best. There's no point in me leaving home for anything less than a seven. We agreed.

John: When did we agree on that?

Sherlock: We agreed on it yesterday.

John: I wasn't even at home yesterday, I was in Dublin.

Sherlock: It's hardly my fault you weren't listening.

John: Do you just carry on talking when I'm away?

Sherlock: I don't know. How often are you away?

  • Molly and Mrs. Hudson at the Christmas party:

 Molly: How's the hip?

Mrs. Hudson: Oh, it's atrocious. But thanks for asking.

Molly: I've seen much worse. But then, I do post-mortems...


Molly: Oh God, sorry!

  • This conversation between Sherlock and Mycroft, and the effect that it has on John, is hilarious. Especially since it's unclear as to whether the Holmes brothers are oblivious to the sexy implications of what they're saying, or whether they're actually doing it to John on purpose:

 Mycroft: I can tell you it's a young person. A young female person.

Sherlock: (Smirking knowingly)- How many photographs?

Mycroft: A considerable number, apparently.

Sherlock: Do Miss Adler and this young, female person appear in these photographs together?

Mycroft: Yes, they do.

Sherlock: And I assume in a number of compromising scenarios.

Mycroft: An imaginative range, we are assured.

Sherlock: (Without even looking at John, who is clearly mentally very busy): John, you might want to put that cup back in your saucer now.

  • There's a funny moment of Fridge Brilliance just before this. After Mycroft asks how Sherlock would know whether sex alarms him or not, he talks about Irene providing 'recreational scolding' for people who like that kind of thing and are prepared to pay for it. He's been talking to Sherlock so far, but here he's directly addressing John, as if to imply "oh hell, it's no point in trying to explain BDSM to Sherlock, as if he'd understand what it was about."
  • It's a whole conversation, really, but it's beautifully played and just keeps getting funnier and funnier. In the first meeting between Irene, Sherlock and John, Sherlock twice makes a fairly childish attempt to project his own discomfort onto John ("I don't think John knows where to look" "If I wanted to look at naked women, I'd borrow John's laptop.") He's called out both times, first by Irene, then by John. When Irene puts Sherlock's coat on, John is no longer completely distracted, and joins Irene on the sofa and she starts a conversation with him about how she "likes detective stories, and detectives." Sherlock returns the conversation to how the hiker was killed, but "the position of the car" comes out as something like "thepezishcar." Benedict Cumberbatch confirms that at that point, Sherlock had become jealous of the attention Irene was now paying to John (who was starting to put on the charm.) Sherlock's comments about John had been his best shot at making John the third wheel, but it looks like Sherlock is about to become the third wheel for a second. And if this little moment wasn't enough, he then proceeds to actually send John out of the room. [3]
  • While John is upset at what "Bachelor John Watson" might imply in The Reichenbach Fall, he appears to have totally missed a newspaper article at the beginning of A Scandal in Belgravia claiming that his blog "reveals the salacious truth about their home life!" Salacious, of course, meaning indecent, obscene, scandalous or perverted.
    • There is a comment he makes toward Sherlock in his blog, something like "go and get dressed"- but we've seen that Sherlock has a habit of slobbing around in his dressing gown well into the day, and that, plus the time stamp, seems to indicate that John meant "go and get dressed, because you're still in your dressing gown at this hour", not "go and get dressed, because you're wandering around naked"!
  • Most of it's very visual, but the beginning of the episode. Jim apologetically asks if Sherlock minds him answering his cell phone. Sherlock assures him he doesn't mind. Jim does the wordless apology thing people do when they're talking on the telephone in front of someone, and Sherlock makes the 'totally fine, completely understand' motion in response.
  • This is an interesting one, because it may be an unexpected blooper/mistake on the part of the actor, and may not. When John is putting out the junk mail he's set alight in the foyer of Irene's house, keep an eye on him as the CIA agents charge down the stairs. He thwacks the embers on the side table a few times, and has this sudden reaction of "Oh, shit, I didn't expect that to happen" that is hilarious, and may mean either John or Martin Freeman had just set something on fire or burned himself by accident.
  • Sherlock tells two small and very sweet little girls concerned over their dead Granddad:

  Sherlock: People don't really go to heaven when they die. They're taken into a special room and burned.

    • Bonus points for it being the first time in a sequence of Sherlock being appallingly rude to prospective clients that John, without even turning around, gives a deadpan "Sherlock..."
  • Another client seems to be convinced that his aunt's ashes have been replaced by someone else's... "I know human ash." John nods supportively as he raves about it, probably trying not to antagonise the guy as he seems to be quite... er... unstable. Sherlock? "Leave."
  • Sherlock obviously shocked look when John tells him that no one is reading his website about 240 types of tobacco ash.
    • And then the total role-reversal when Sherlock walks out offended, prompting Lestrade to go after him and John to look bewildered, as if to say "was it something I said?"
  • Sherlock hovering over John continually as he's trying to blog. He's like a little kid wanting attention, especially in some of the things he says and the question he asks: "The Geek Interpreter, what's that? What's it need a title for?" "No, no don't mention the unsolved ones!" "No they're not, why are they?" John's deadpan, patient "because I said so" type responses are the icing on the cake.
  • This conversation via webcam, when John realises Sherlock has just woken up and is only wearing a sheet-

 John: You realise this is a tiny bit humiliating...

Sherlock: It's okay, I'm fine. Now, show me to the stream.

John: I didn't really mean for you.

    • Extra funny when, later in the scene, we find out that not only is Sherlock wandering around like this in front of a webcam, he also has a client at 221B at the time.
  • Poor John begs Irene, who is only wearing a pair of heels at this point, to please put something on. Anything at all. He offers her a napkin. She asks him if he's feeling exposed and approaches him, making it pretty much impossible for him to see anything else. Nonetheless, he makes an absolutely heroic attempt at maintaining eye contact with her.
    • Sherlock, up until this point, has been casually making eye contact with Irene and totally ignoring the fact that she's naked (after his initial shock.) On seeing that John is extremely uncomfortable with Irene's nudity, and that Irene points out that it's because he's "feeling exposed" and "knows where to look", Sherlock offers Irene his coat... presumably for John's sake. He holds it out to her while looking away modestly. He's already seen what she has to offer. Irene's comments about John seem to indicate that his reaction is more "normal" than Sherlock's (especially when she throws "not sure about you," his way). It seems Sherlock really does not know what's socially acceptable in this instance. Generally he's learned that John is more socially adept than he is, so he's taking his "embarrassed, don't look" cue from him.
      • What might make this funnier is that, according to Lara Pulver, she actually WAS naked during that entire scene. According to her, the director gave her two options: Either we can give you the typical modesty garments, and then spend several hours trying to shoot around them, or you can forgo them, and we can get this finished in a fraction of the time. She said "Screw it" and decided to go skin-to-the-wind. It might make the entire previous scene even funnier to guess when the Sherlock/John/Irene awkwardness ends and the Benedict/Martin/Lara awkwardness begins.
  • Sherlock's impersonation of a bewildered, crying, wimpish clergyman is absolutely hysterical. Irene's companion Kate, on the intercom, is fighting back her laughter, and how John's managed to play his role with a straight face is a mystery.
  • Despite being drugged and then slapped around, and sprawled on the floor about to pass out, Sherlock refuses to let go of the phone, prompting Irene to roll her eyes and exclaim "oh for heaven's sake!" and then whip him like a badly behaved dog. Seems Sherlock did not take Irene's masthead "know when you are beaten" seriously after all...
  • When Sherlock, after having been drugged, wakes up in his room (with totally hilarious and adorable bed hair) in A Scandal in Belgravia, he's a bit confused:

 Sherlock: How did I get here?

John: Well, I don't suppose you remember much, you weren't making a lot of sense. Oh. I should warn you- I think Lestrade filmed you on his phone.

    • An excellent Call Back to A Study in Pink, where Lestrade comments that some of the police officers might want to photograph the great Sherlock Holmes draped with a shock blanket. Surely Lestrade having actual footage of the great Sherlock Holmes drugged out of his mind and slurring incoherently would be gold down at the Yard.
  • During the Christmas interlude. Molly, who is very dressed up for her, takes her coat off to reveal a very cute and unexpectedly pretty/girly dress; Lestrade spends some time picking his jaw back up off the floor.
    • Possibly just as funny, was John's mostly surprised but still deadpan "Holy Mary" as she does so.
    • Lestrade's reaction is extra funny when you see where he's standing... slightly behind Molly. John's got a view from the front, but Lestrade is checking out Molly's derierre.
  • Also during the Christmas scene. When Sherlock begins his rant about Molly, John murmurs "take a day off." Lestrade's just been told his wife is sleeping with a PE teacher, and he's off duty and has started drinking. So he says what John won't by slapping a drink down in front of Sherlock and telling him straight:

 Lestrade: Oh, shut up and have a drink!

  • It's very, very darkly funny, considering, but Lestrade taking about fifteen seconds to process that Sherlock's just told him that his wife is cheating on him is hilarious. His face when it finally fully dawns on him is priceless.
  • Sherlock is obviously a bit overwhelmed by the socialising going on (which he's pretty much awful at.) Through the Christmas party he's obsessing over John's blog, and calls him over to point out that the page count is stuck at 1895. John's deadpan response? A frustrated slap on the table and:

  John: Oh, no. Christmas is canceled.

  • John being dumped by Jeanette was pretty funny. He at first seems quite desperate to stay in her good books- offering to walk a dog she doesn't have, apparently confusing her with his last girlfriend- but once she's made up her mind to dump him and storms out, he doesn't seem particularly bothered:

 John: I'll call you-?

Jeanette: NO.

John: Okay.

    • Also, his confused reaction earlier, when Jeanette snipes at him that he's a great boyfriend. He's patently not, and he knows it. Even he has to admit that he's a pretty crappy boyfriend.
    • And the fact that a week later, John isn't exactly mourning his lost relationship. No, he's eying over the pretty redhead standing outside his flat, who seems to know his name and who asks him pretty suggestively what he's up to for New Year.
  • Sherlock, via Wi-fi, going into an uncomplimentary rant about a crime witness (including calling him an idiot, and describing him having a "tiny IQ", "limited life expectancy", the "right sleeve of an internet porn addict" and "the breathing pattern of an untreated heart condition")- he then moves in his chair, to reveal the poor guy sitting right there behind him.
    • Before this, John threatening to shut Sherlock up via mute-button.
  • Sherlock gets a bit cranky when he's caught without his pants:

 Palace Employee: People do come to you for help, don't they, Mr Holmes?

Sherlock: Not, to date, anyone with a navy.

  • Mycroft shows that delivering an epic burn is a Holmes trait.

 Sherlock: A dominatrix...

Mycroft: Don't be alarmed... it's to do with sex.

Sherlock (offended): Sex doesn't alarm me.

Mycroft: How would you know?

  • John returns home to find the following note on the door of 221B:

  Crime in progress. Please disturb.

  • The running gag concerning a phone in Sherlock's possession with a rather... orgasmic message alert tone. In one scene, Mycroft and John both hear it, but neither is prepared to state the obvious about the sound, until Mrs Hudson wanders in:

 Mrs Hudson: Oh dear. It's a bit rude, that noise, isn't it??

    • The messages keep coming and Mycroft and John are trying not to react. Mrs Hudson again:

 Mrs Hudson: Would you turn that phone down a bit? At my time of life, it's-

    • John later enquires as to exactly why Sherlock's text alerts are making a drastically different noise than they did the day before, but all he's prepared to describe it as is "... that noise. That noise it just made..."
    • Sherlock gets an alert on Christmas Eve. Hilarity ensues when Molly (who he's speaking with, who has a huge crush on him, and who he had just given a kiss on the cheek) panics:

 Molly: Aaargh, no, that wasn't... I didn't...

Sherlock: No, that was me.

Lestrade: My God, Really?!

Sherlock (rolling his eyes): My phone.

    • When the text message alert goes off in this scene, the look Lestrade gives John is hilarious.
    • On a related note, Jim Moriarty's ringtone is Staying Alive. Considering whose phone it is, "Staying Alive" might be the most ironic ringtone in the history of television.
  • Sherlock hiding behind his newspaper in embarrassment, as John points out that he's not, in fact, stupid, and that he knows the phone was in Sherlock's coat pocket, the coat was on Irene, and the texts are from her.

 Sherlock: I'll leave you to your deductions.

  • This bit of dialogue from John and Sherlock, biding time at Buckingham Palace:

 John: What are we doing here, Sherlock? I mean seriously, what?

Sherlock: I don't know.

John: Are we here to see the Queen?

Mycroft strides in.

Sherlock: Apparently, yes.

they both giggle like schoolgirls

  • In response, Mycroft asks the boys if they can behave like grown-ups for once.

 John: We solve crimes, I blog about it, and he forgets his pants. I wouldn't hold out too much hope.

  • Right before that, John is escorted in, where Sherlock is sitting grouchily, still wrapped in his sheet. John sits, looks around, looks at Sherlock and seems to consider something.

 John: Are you wearing pants?

Sherlock: No.

John: Okay.

(They share a look, and both start laughing at the complete absurdity of the situation.)

    • This is both extra hilarious and extra heartwarming because Sherlock has been sulking like the champion sulker that he is so far, and when John arrives, he tries to stay grumpy but just can't help himself and cracks up.
    • A little later Mycroft says something which ought to stand as one of the funniest one-liners ever written for television.

 We are in Buckingham Palace, the very heart of the British nation. Sherlock Holmes, put your trousers on.

  • Sherlock enlists John to help him apply his war-paint before going into battle with Irene:

 Sherlock: Punch me in the face.

John: Punch you?

Sherlock: Yes, punch me in the face! Didn’t you hear me?

John: I always hear “punch me in the face” when you’re speaking, but it’s usually subtext.

Sherlock: Oh, for God's sake. [punches John, who is provoked into punching him back and locks him into a chokehold]

Sherlock: Okay! I think we're done now, John!

John: You ought to remember, Sherlock! I was a soldier! I killed people!

Sherlock: You were a doctor!

John: I had bad days!

    • Although it was clearer in behind-the-scenes footage, even in the episode, if you look carefully, the way his arm is positioned implies he hit John with an open hand. He didn't so much punch Watson as much as he bitch-slapped him.
  • Of all the things to resolve the cliffhanger, it is... 'Stayin' Alive' by The Bee Gees.
  • During the brief montage of Sherlock meeting potential clients one of them is a large, dowdy woman who suspects her husband is having an affair. Sherlock responds with one word: "Yes."
  • Sherlock getting up after he's been drugged and constantly falling down again. When John opens the bedroom door, it's just in time to see Sherlock tumble over the foot of the bed and thud onto the floor. John's expression doesn't even change.
  • Sherlock is unimpressed with Irene being stark naked:

 Sherlock: If I wanted to look at naked women, I'd borrow John's laptop.

John: You do borrow my laptop.

Sherlock I confiscate it.

    • Extra funny when Irene herself breaks up this bickering (which is essentially about whether or not Sherlock looks at porn) with "Oh never mind, we've got better things to talk about!"
  • Sherlock decides to call the police by shooting a gun into the air outside Irene's house.

 John: Oh for God's sake...

Sherlock: Oh, shut up. It's quick.

  • As he's trying to figure out the code (prior to the CIA intrusion) Sherlock gets in this completely random line:

 Sherlock: Can't be a birth date. No disrespect, but clearly you were born in the eighties. Eight's barely used, so...

  • If you pause at the newspaper article early in the episode, you'll notice that the article affectionately dubs Sherlock and John as "Hat-Man and Robin".
  • After the break-in at Irene's house, John beckons Sherlock into the break-in point, the bedroom, where he has found Irene's companion Kate unconscious on the floor. Sherlock walks right past her prone figure and he doesn't even glance at her. Yep. Sociopath. I'm seeing it now.
  • This troper is honestly not twelve, and this line may not have been meant the way it came out, but... really? John's reaction kind of sells it:

 Irene: There's a back door, Dr Watson. Better check it.

  • In the scene at Baker Street the morning after the adventure at Irene Adler's, Sherlock and John scoring points off Mycroft:

 Sherlock: Treat her [Irene] like royalty, Mycroft.

John:... Though not the way she treats royalty.

    • Mycroft's response to John's remark is a pissed off, "Oh screw you, John Watson," look, through a forced smile. It's hilarious.
  • I could go on forever about the awesome items that Sherlock and John have littered around the living room at Baker Street, but this one stands out as funny. During the Christmas/New Year interlude, the skull Sherlock keeps on the mantelpiece has been adorned with a very cute Santa hat.
  • Sherlock enjoys getting some subtle digs in with his music.

 Mycroft Now if you'll excuse me, I have a long and arduous apology to make to an old friend.

Sherlock Give them my love. (Begins playing "God Save The Queen)

  • During Mycroft and John's otherwise very serious conversation, Mycroft reveals that Sherlock wanted to be a pirate when he was little.
  • This little gem.

 Sherlock: Please don't feel obliged to tell me that was amazing, John's expressed that in every possible variant available in English.

Irene: I would have you right here, on this desk, until you begged for mercy twice.

[Long, long silence]

Sherlock John, can you check those flight schedules, see if I'm right?

John: I'm on it, yeah.

Sherlock: I've never begged for mercy in my life.

Irene: Twice.

  • Molly's jealousy of Adler.

  Molly How did he Sherlock recognize [Adler] from... not her face?

    • The best part is you can practically see her thinking "Don't say vagina. Don't say vagina. Don't say vagina."
  • The delivery of the last line makes the whole exchange.

 Lestrade Have you heard of Sherlock Holmes?

Officer Carter Who?

Lestrade Well, you're about to meet him, now. This is your case, it's entirely up to you. This is just friendly advice, but: Give Sherlock five minutes on your crime scene, and listen to everything that he has to say. And as far as possible, try not to punch him.

  • This exchange:

 Lestrade Exactly how many times did he fall out of the window?

Sherlock It’s all a bit of a blur, Detective Inspector. I lost count.

  • Irene apparently ended the marriage of a novelist by having an affair with both parties.
  • The sequence where Sherlock and Irene prepare to meet each other is hilarious in the contrast between them. Irene's sexy professional shots, vs pictures of Sherlock in nothing but a sheet looking grumpy and much less glamorous. The shot of Irene, with Absolute Cleavage, practically in a state of bliss in her wardrobe of beautiful clothes, versus Sherlock apparently trying on every single outfit he owns, then throwing discarded disguise ideas into the hall, prompting John to demand to know what on earth he's doing. John comments that Sherlock didn't even change clothes in the end; Irene took hers off completely, except for a pair of heels. And finally, for the crowning hilarity- Irene's companion sensuously applying her "blood" coloured lipstick, versus John beating up Sherlock.
  • Sherlock's insistence that he doesn't need a public image - with his collar turned up and wearing the trademark deerstalker cap.
  • John telling Sherlock that maybe he could swipe the ashtray when they meet with Mycroft at Buckingham's Palace just for a bit of fun. There is no more mention of it, until they leave the palace, and Sherlock shows John that he took the ashtray. Cue laughter.
  • This moment when Sherlock has captured one of the agents:

 Sherlock Holmes: [on the phone] Lestrade? We've had a break-in at Baker Street. Send your least irritating officers and an ambulance. Oh, no-no-no-no, we're fine. No, it's the burglar. He's got himself rather badly injured. Oh, a few broken ribs, fractured skull. Suspected punctured lung. He fell out of a window. [Cuts to Mrs Hudson's downstairs flat, where John is cleaning her face]

Mrs. Hudson: Oh, it stings. [The shadow of something large and body-shaped falls past the window and crashes on top of a dumpster] Oh, that was right on my bins! [Cuts to police officers and paramedics congregating outside as an ambulance leaves and Sherlock stands by Lestrade on the sidewalk]

DI Lestrade: And exactly how many times did he fall out the window?

Sherlock Holmes: Oh, it's all a bit of a blur, Detective Inspector. I lost count.

The Hounds of Baskerville

  • Typical Sherlock with his crime-solving techniques:

 John: Sherlock's got a plan.

Sherlock: Yes.

Henry: Right...

Sherlock: We take you out on the moor...

Henry: Okay...

Sherlock: ... And see if anything attacks you.

John: WHAT?

  • This charming bit of dialogue when old friends meet up in odd places:

 Sherlock: What the hell are you doing here?!

Lestrade: Oh. Nice to see you, too. I'm on holiday, would you believe?

Sherlock: No. I wouldn't!

  • John going after a light thinking someone is sending a message in Morse's actually two people having "fun" in a car.
  • John barely even blinks when Sherlock makes his dramatic entrance into Baker Street, soaked in blood and wielding a harpoon. John's concern, what there is of it, doesn't extend to Sherlock's health and safety, it's this:

 John: You went on the Tube like that?

Sherlock, sounding a bit miffed: None of the cabs would take me.

  • Also Sherlock's line when he walks after what was probably an off screen moment of awesome or at least funny, especially considering he apparently went on the Tube in that state.

 Sherlock: Well, that was tedious.

  • This exchange, while Sherlock is so antsy he can barely sit down:

 Sherlock: I NEED A CASE!

John: You've just SOLVED ONE! By... harpooning a dead pig, apparently!

  • The whole conversation about Bluebell, but this in particular:

 Sherlock: Phone Lestrade. Tell him there's an escaped rabbit.

John:... Are you serious...?

Sherlock: It's this, or Cluedo.

John: Uh, no. We are never playing that again.

Sherlock: Why not?

John: Because it's not actually possible for the victim to have done it, Sherlock, that's why!

Sherlock: But it was the only possible solution...

John: It's not in the rules!

Sherlock: Then the rules are wrong!

  • Another dig at poor John:

 Sherlock: If I wanted poetry I'd just read John's emails to his girlfriends. Much funnier.

    • Extra funny because of the plural "girlfriends", hinting that either John is going through girlfriends so fast that they can be referred to collectively, or he has more than one at any given time.
  • Sherlock's rather invasive passive smoking. Ha.
  • The absolutely manipulative, pleading, pathetic look Sherlock gives John before he finally reveals where he's been hiding Sherlock's emergency stash of cigarettes.
  • A third visual joke from the same scene: when Sherlock first demands "John, I need some, GET me some," John seems to be thinking about it in a sarcastic "oh gee, let me think about this" way, for about half a second, before giving a very decisive "No."
  • Sherlock's bitching about Bluebell ("like a fairy!") is hysterically funny, especially when we remember he's rather mean-spiritedly mocking an upset eight year old girl. One who had written him an extremely adorable, polite little letter.
    • Also funny is that while Sherlock dismisses such a trivial, seemingly stupid case initially, he was interested enough to memorise Kirsty's letter and quote significant chunks of it later.
    • Sherlock has never shied away from expressing his contempt in his replies to comments on his forum or John's blog. Given that he forgoes doing so in this case, and calls her "little Kirsty" as opposed to something like "insipid brat", I wouldn't say he's mocking her, specifically. It's more a "What is the criminal world coming to?" type of exasperation.
  • When they arrive in the village, they walk past a tour group. Sherlock deliberately flips his collar up in an obvious way, then tries to tell John, "I'm cold."
    • Later, when Sherlock pulls his collar up again, John calls him on it:

 John: Oh, please, can we not do this, this time?

Sherlock: Do what?

John: You being all mysterious with your... cheekbones... and turning your coat collar up so you look cool.

Sherlock: I don't do that...?

John: Yeah you do.

  • John's bitching in the car when they use Mycroft's security pass to get access to the Baskerville base:

 John: Brilliant.

Sherlock: What's the matter?

John: We'll get caught.

Sherlock: No we won't. Well, not just yet.

John: Caught in five minutes. 'Oh hi, we just thought we'd come and have a wander 'round your top-secret weapons base.' 'Really? Great! Come in, kettle's just boiled.' That's if we don't get shot.

  • Poor Bluebell turning out to be a Brick Joke when Sherlock and John infiltrate Baskerville.

 Sherlock: Why did Bluebell have to die?

  • Mycroft knowing exactly who was using his security pass at the Baskerville base, and being apparently that unfazed by it that he simply texts twice: "What are you doing?" "What's going on, Sherlock?" The exasperated look on his face when he first gets the news is priceless.
  • When Sherlock makes the mistake of asking Dr Stapleton what her role at Baskerville is, the general reaction from Stapleton and Lyons is incredulous laughter. When Sherlock tells Dr Stapleton "you most certainly are at liberty, and I suggest that you remain that way," John gives him this "... Um, Sherlock, did you just threaten to have her arrested?" sideways glance that's absolutely hilarious.
  • Sherlock berating Lestrade for attempting to go undercover to spy on him for Mycroft and sneering at his alias of "Greg":

 John: That's his name.

Sherlock: Is it?

Lestrade: Yes! If you'd ever bothered to find out!

  • Sherlock has been seen before to be a skilled liar, but his truly obvious and pathetic attempts to wheedle out of admitting that he deliberately drugged John, then locked him up in a dark lab to see whether he'd freak out or not are hilarious.
    • And then after there's Sherlock's point-of-view of the experiment, where he's just chilling out in the comfy security booth while John is freaking out.
  • Lestrade's chirpy attitude after he's just finished interviewing two suspects.

  Lestrade: It's nice getting London out of your lungs! =D

  • Also functions as a heartwarming moment, but this exchange, where Henry Knight has apparently observed a lot. One can only imagine what he was going to say about Sherlock's character before catching himself:

 Henry: Mates are mates, aren't they? I mean, look at you and John.

Sherlock: What about us?

Henry: Well... I mean... he's a pretty straightforward bloke, and you...

  • Henry is showing Sherlock and John around his enormous house. John puts his foot in it, with this totally out-of-nowhere exchange alluding to Henry's character originally being a baronet who lived in Baskerville Hall-

 John: This is, uh... are you, um... rich?

Henry: ... Yeah.

John: Oh, right.

  • When Sherlock's going through his "memory palace" when he gets to the "hound" part, he thinks of "Hound Dog," and if you look carefully, Cumberbatch actually sings a few words of it, complete with an Elvis pose.
  • Sherlock's ludicrously upbeat and chipper attitude when he goes to visit a clearly exhausted, not-in-the-mood-for-this Henry is funny enough on its own, but the bit where Sherlock points to Henry's ceiling and exclaims "Oh look, you've got damp!" with a manic grin and a practically ecstatic tone of voice nearly had this troper in stitches.
  • This:

 Sherlock: Helloooo brother dear, how are you?

    • It's such a human thing for Sherlock to do- most of us have family members that we blatantly, obviously suck up to when we want to call in a favour. Plus, it doesn't take much imagination to guess that Mycroft's reaction would be something along the lines of an epic eyeroll and "Oh for God's sake, Sherlock, what do I have to give you, or do for you, in order to shut you up again?"
  • In the last scene with John and Sherlock, after John realizes Sherlock tried to drug him, we get this priceless exchange:

 John: Any long-term effects?

Sherlock: None at all. You’ll be fine once you’ve excreted it. We all will.

John: I think I might have taken care of that already.

    • Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that was a poop joke which was only made better by Sherlock acknowledging it with a smile.
  • The morning after Sherlock tells John that he doesn't have friends, Sherlock finds John sitting in a cemetery. John walks away and Sherlock, walking after him, asks about John's interview with Henry's psychologist from the night before:

 Sherlock: Did you get anywhere with her?

John: No.

Sherlock: Too bad. Get any information?

    • Despite John still being pissed with Sherlock, he can't help but crack a smile.
  • The look on Sherlock's face after John rejects his apology in the graveyard. You can tell he was expecting John to melt immediately (everyone watching certainly did).

 Sherlock: It was true, what I said. I don't have friends. I've just got one.

John: Right. (walks away)

Sherlock: ...(thrown) John?... John! You are amazing! You are fantastic!

John: All right, don't overdo it.

The Reichenbach Fall

  • Sherlock is now socially aware enough to be able to say "thank you" when prompted, even though he usually has no idea what he's saying thank you for.

 Sherlock: Diamond cufflinks. All my cuffs have buttons.

John: (to the gift-giver) He means "thank you."

Sherlock: ... Do I?

John: Just say it.

Sherlock: ... Thank you.

Molly: You could probably say "thank you", actually.

Sherlock: ... Thank you...

  • This little domestic spat:

 John: ... Don't do that.

Sherlock: Do what?

John: The Look.

Sherlock: Look?

John: You're doing The Look again.

Sherlock: Well I can't see it, can I?

(John gestures to the mirror across from Sherlock)

Sherlock: It's my face...?

John: Yes, and it's doing a thing, you're doing a "we both really know what's going on here" face.

Sherlock: Well we do!

John: No. I don't, which is why I find The Face so annoying.

  • When Sherlock pulls a gun on a whole bunch of police officers and takes John "hostage", Lestrade's reaction is to simply roll his eyes, and then go for the Face Palm of the series (and possibly the Face Palm of Rupert Graves' career.)

 [[spoiler: John: Just so you're aware, the gun was his idea. I'm just... just... you know

Sherlock: *points the weapon at John's head and announces dramatically* My hostage!

John: Hostage! Yes, that works.]]

    • And also this Call Back when Sherlock asks John to take his hand: "Now people are definitely going to talk."
    • And the general visual hilarity when Sherlock and John find out that it's really quite difficult to co-ordinate an escape on foot while handcuffed together, allowing for different heights, one person being right-handed and the other left-handed, one person having no idea where they're going, etc. Sherlock spends the majority of their escape literally dragging John behind him.
  • When Sally questions how Sherlock could have solved the kidnapping with a single footprint to go on, Lestrade describes what Sherlock does as "CSI: Baker Street."
    • Not to mention that he then gives this goofy smile, as if to say "yes, I know. I'm the master of awful Dad-jokes." When you consider what Donovan is trying to point out to him, this almost becomes a Tear Jerker.
  • When Sally rushes to inform Lestrade that there's been a break-in, we find him in his office, feet on the desk, with a coffee in one hand and a donut in the other, classily stuffing his face and responding to her by talking with his mouth full.
  • John is trying to give Sherlock tips on how to present himself at court.

 John: Intelligent, fine. Let's give 'smartarse' a wide berth.

Sherlock: ...I'll just be myself.

John: Are you listening to me?

  • Moriarty sends London into uproar having compromised the security at The Tower of London vault, The Bank of England and Pentonville Prison simultaneously. An armed response team enter the tower vault to reveal him wearing the crown jewels:

 Moriarty No rush.

    • And he put the Sovereign's Orb, which signifies the holder as the defender of faith, on his crotch.
  • John making an offhand reference to "Su Bo." Because you know he and Mrs Hudson are addicted to shows like Britain's Got Talent and probably discuss these things at length. Possibly, with Sherlock.
  • The court scene.

 Judge (to Sherlock having been warned that he risk being found in contempt) Do you think you could survive for just a few minutes WITHOUT SHOWING OFF!

    • Sherlock opens his mouth to respond, and then...GilliganCut to Sherlock being led into a cell.
  • Mycroft's face is hilarious during this exchange. Even John cracks up:

 Mycroft: Too much history between us John. Old scores, resentments...

John: Nicked all his Smurfs, broke his Action Man.

  • In an otherwise tense and painful scene, this exchange:

 Sherlock: You're insane!

Moriarty: You're just getting that now?

  • Also, in the aforementioned scene, Jim describes his employment of four known assassins as this:

 Moriarty: Last one to Sherlock is a sissy.

  • And if you have a very dark sense of humour, this is hilarious:

 Sherlock: I can still prove that you created an entirely false identity!

Moriarty (rolling his eyes): Oh just kill yourself, it's a lot less effort.

  • Mycroft asking John to see him at the Diogenes Club... without telling him the cardinal rule that nobody is allowed to talk in there, resulting in John being hauled off and muffled by two attendants. One gets the feeling Mycroft had deliberately trolled John Watson.
  • Sherlock's baffled muttering about the deerstalker is hilarious. All the more so because it's intercut with John discovering the none-too-subtle tabloid speculation about the nature of their relationship:

 Sherlock: Why is it always the hat photograph? What kind of a hat is it, anyway?

John: "Bachelor John Watson." Bachelor - what the hell are they implying?

Sherlock: Is it a cap? Why has it got two fronts?

John: It's a deerstalker. "Frequently seen in the company of bachelor John Watson--"

Sherlock: How do you stalk a deer with a hat? What do you do, throw it?

John: "Confirmed bachelor" John Watson!

Sherlock: ...Some kind of death frisbee?

John: OK, this is too much, we need to be more careful.

Sherlock: It's got flaps. Ear flaps - it's an ear hat, John!

  • Upon seeing a dummy dangling from their ceiling by a noose, John asks "So. Did you just talk to him for a really long time?"
  • Mrs. Hudson's reaction when Sherlock tells her about the hidden cameras in the flat: "Cameras? Here?! I'm in my nightie!!!"
  • Moriarty calling Sherlock a doofus. Feel free to comment underneath if you have heard that word used seriously by someone over the age of ten.
  • It's subtle, but in a hilarious callback to Hounds when John accuses Sherlock of flipping his coat collar up to look cool and mysterious:

 Lestrade: Now remember, she's in shock and she's seven years old, so, anything you can do to...

Sherlock: Not be myself?

Lestrade: Yeah. That'd be helpful.

Sherlock: *flips his coat collar down*

  • The look on Mycroft's face when he tells John that the rules of the Diogenes Club are very important, because "We don't want a repeat of... 1972..."


Any time a character logs onto the fourth wall, it's bound to be hilarious.

  • Sherlock's forum deserves a special mention.
    • Sherlock flounces out of his own forum. NOT that he's jealous of John's blog or anything. Also, you awful people who didn't appreciate his findings on 243 varieties of tobacco ash have caused him to take the paper down. Forever. You'll be sorry you didn't appreciate his brilliance when you had the chance.

 Molly Hooper: Hi Sherlock. I was wondering if you were coming into the hospital again at some point as I've found a tie and I think it might be yours. Its like the sort of tie you might wear so I don't know if you left it here last time you visited.

SH: "It's" not "Its". No, it's not mine.

 Anonymous: One day we will meet.

SH: Oh, that's lame.

Anonymous: You don't know who I am.

SH: No, but you're using phrases like 'one day we will meet'. If you're going to stalk me or threaten me or whatever it is, at least use your imagination.

    • And this bit:

 SH: Do not send post to my Montague Street address. Disagreement with landlord. No longer there. New address to follow.

Mike Stamford: Thought you said you didn't have anywhere yet?

SH: No. That's why I said new address to follow.

Mike Stamford: Oh yeah, sorry!

    • Sherlock gets bored:

 SH: Another case closed. Anyone? Anything? Is the whole world just going to let me die of lethargy???!!!!

Anonymous: I've emailed you a little message. A little game to play. I do like games.

SH: A secret code? I can't be bothered with that.

Anonymous: You'll like this one.

SH: Nope. Bored already. Anyone want to decipher this for me? Details here on the Hidden Messages page.

theimprobableone: i will i will

John Watson: I'm stumped.

SH: Well, that's hardly a surprise.

    • And the second one:

 Anonymous: Did you get my email?

SH: Yes. And we've deciphered your first message. Terrifying.

Anonymous: I do hope that's not sarcasm.

SH: Oh, of course it isn't. If anyone wants to decipher this idiot's second messages, go to the Hidden Messages page.

Anonymous: Not going to do it yourself?

Anonymous: Looks like I'll have to get your attention a different way.

    • And this:

 theimprobableone: your new flatmate sounds stupid you need someone who can match your intellect.

John Watson: Why don't you come pay us a visit? I'd love to meet you.

    • Don't forget this:

 SH: I would kill every one of you for a cigarette.

John Watson: Maybe do some housework. That might take your mind off it. It certainly wouldn' t do the flat any harm.

SH: Get Mrs Hudson to do it. She likes looking after us.

John Watson: You ask her then.

SH: You could always do it.

John Watson Chicken.

SH: We're out of milk.

    • Like this bit:

Great to see you again, mate. And you should come down and meet the Mrs. Just remember she's mine, Casanova!

Bill Murray 28 January 11:46

Casanova??! My brother?!?!.

Harry Watson 28 January 13:36

Oh yeah. The things he got up to before we went out to A. Dirty boy!

Bill Murray 28 January 17:56

Harry Watson 28 January 18:12
    • You're never too old for laughing:


Harry Watson 29 January 22:00

LOL? You're 36, Harry. Thirty-six..
John Watson 29 January 22:03

John, I've only just found this post. I've glanced over it and honestly, words fail me. What I do is an exact science and should be treated as such. You've made the whole experience seem like some kind of romantic adventure. You should have focused on my analytical reasoning and nothing more.

Sherlock Holmes 28 March 17:46

It's your turn to buy the milk, Sherlock.
John Watson 28 March 18:12
    • Sherlock's response to one of Moriarty's comments after their pool confrontation: "Still alive, then?"
    • And this part:

Anyway, why are you writing on my blog when you're sitting downstairs?!

John Watson 23 March 18:20

I. AM. BORED. And I'm wondering what temperature I'd need to create to blow up your cans of beer...

Sherlock Holmes 23 March 18:23

OK OK I'm coming down.
John Watson 23 March 18:24
    • Don't forget this part:

John, this is appalling. It's all 'and then we ran here! And then we ran there! And it was a code!' What about the analysis, John? The analysis! How did I work it out? How did I know where to go? And as for 'All these people he involves in his adventures... '. My what? I'm sorry, obviously I didn't realise I was a character in a children's story.

Sherlock Holmes 28 March 13:04

Well, you're pretty childish. So if the cap fits...
John Watson 28 March 13:07
And now for a brick joke.
Also, please note that sentences can also end in full stops. The exclamation mark can be overused.
Sherlock Holmes 28 March 13:08
Fifteen comments later...

 John! I need you to book me some aeroplane tickets! I'm going to Minsk!

Sherlock Holmes 28 March 15:55

    • This entire conversation.
    • THIS:
The word is aeroplane, John. Not airplane. Just saying.
Sherlock Holmes 29 March 10:33
Sorry, Sherlock, thanks for correcting me. Oh, and just so you know, I've had a good tidy of the flat. Thrown out lots of junk. The place is spotless now.
John Watson 29 March 10:35
You wouldn't dare...
Sherlock Holmes 29 March 10:36
  • New hilarity in John's blog:

  "I thought that what he'd done was pretty clever but Sherlock described as disappointingly simple. The next day he spent so much time going on about how he'd have got away with it that I went to the pub and left him talking to a frozen turkey."

  • This excerpt from "The Speckled Blonde":

  Sherlock, then, had an idea. He decided to relive Julia's last night. He wanted to spend a night in her bedroom and he wanted me to join him. Yes. You can all stop sniggering. I was going to sleep on the floor.

  • This from "The Six Thatchers" (a Mythology Gag for the story "The Six Napoleons")-

  I'd taken Sherlock out Christmas shopping which, looking back, wasn't the best of ideas. He'd shouted at a Father Christmas that he was bored and wanted a nice juicy murder for Christmas - in front of a bunch of kids and their parents. Escorted back to the flat by the police, we found a student, Sally Barnicot, waiting for us.

  • A good one about "Sherlock Holmes Baffled":

  The number of comments on this post caused my blog to crash so I've had to delete them. If you want to know what people had to say, then visit Scotland Yard where apparently a print-out is framed in the canteen.

  • John showing more and more on his blog that he's barely computer literate (though both his typing and his HTML skills are improving, it seems) and doesn't give a damn about a lot of things. Including, but not limited to: "technobabble", fandom, comic books (sorry, graphic novels) and textspeak:
Harry Watson 01 April 12:24
I don't even want to know what that means.
John Watson 01 April 12:30
    • And on the comic books--er, graphic novels, he has this to say:

  It was about a series of comic books based on the adventures of some superhero terrorist-fighting organisation called KRATIDES. They were your average karate-kicking, moral-spouting group of spandex-wearers.

  • John might have accidentally discovered what shakes Mike Stamford's... boat.
Irene Adler?!?!
Mike Stamford 15 September 23:21
You know her!?
John Watson 15 September 23:23
Heard of her, that's all!!!!
Mike Stamford 15 September 23:25
  • John's writeup of being a hostage at the end of "The Great Game" is more heartwarming than anything else. However, he does express how surreal the whole thing was:

 I had no idea what either of them would do. Moriarty clearly had no discernible human feelings and Sherlock had claimed not to care. Could this be it? Was I really going to die? In a sports centre?

  • "The Hounds of Baskerville" had this in the comments section:
It sounds as if the dog's bark was worse than its bite!
Bill Murray 16 March 12:38
Jacob Sowersby 16 March 12:40
It's certainly given me paws for thought.
Mike Stamford 16 March 13:32
Jacob Sowersby 16 March 13:34
Stop now.
Sherlock Holmes 16 March 13:36
Surely this is just a shaggy dog story.
Bill Murray 16 March 13:47
John, fetch me my revolver.
Sherlock Holmes 16 March 13:50
  • This entire comment section. John and Sherlock are commenting to each other from the same room while Mrs. Hudson adds her two cents from the flat below.

This is incredibly tedious. Is this how you people talk to each other? What next, the weather?

Sherlock Holmes 12 March 12:25

Thanks for lunch, Mrs H. Hope you got back downstairs okay!

John Watson 12 March 13:28

I can still manage stairs even with my hip! Look outside I think it's going to rain.

Mrs Hudson 12 March 13:30

John, fetch me my revolver.
Sherlock Holmes 12 March 13:32
  • In the Hounds entry itself, we have this gem: He'd used me as an experiment. One day, I will kill him.
    • In hindsight, this is a bit of a Tear Jerker. The episode and entry after Hounds is Reichenbach, in which John really does kill Sherlock, in a roundabout sort of way. Well, at least, he's the reason for Sherlock's (fake) suicide.
  • Moriarty infiltrates Sherlock and John's flat while Mrs Hudson is apparently home. Nightmare Fuel? Definitely! Moriarty pausing while poking around to notice the antelope skull that's on the wall? Completely hilarious!

  Moriarty: He's put a pair of headphones on it... God!

  • Molly Hooper's blog is funny because it's such an Egregious violation of every rule of web design. A pastel background, pictures of kittens, images that block off vital links if the page isn't formatted right, Comic Sans...
    • This page is particularly hilarious. Who'd've thought Jim Moriarty liked Glee? And given some of his mannerisms, he's probably being sincere when he says he loves it.
    • Benedict's Alan Rickman impression (and Mark's Martin impression, met with a "no, no, no, no" from Martin).

 "Hellooooo. I'm Alan Rickman, filling in for . . . Martin Freemannnn."

 Lara Pulver: (Laughing): But at one point I was straddling your knee, naked, with my boobs in your face...

Benedict Cumberbatch: ... I remember.


  1. Which doesn't automatically assume anything sexual, it depends on the person speaking. Though, knowing John...
  2. Yes, he probably just meant "Mrs Hudson has it", but still.
  3. There was clearly a pre-arrangement for John to trip the smoke alarm, so he would have to have been sent out of the room at some point. Still, the look on John's face sort of implies that he was reluctant to leave and may not have been expecting to get kicked out of things that early.
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