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Who says you can't have fun saving the universe from evil alien robots?

Mass Effect

 Turian Councilor: Do you take pleasure in committing genocide, Shepard?

Shepard: Depends on the species... turian.

    • The first time you try to warn the Council about the Reapers:

 Shepard: I tried to warn you about Saren, and you ignored me. Look how that turned out.

Turian Councilor: I believe you humans have a saying: 'Even a broken clock is right twice a day.'

Shepard: Here's another one: 'Go to hell!'

  • The following exchange:

 Kaidan: If things don't go well, I want you to know - I've enjoyed serving under you.

Shepard: Kaidan, I don't think I've had the pleasure of you serving under me yet.

Kaidan: Ouch, I walked right into that one.

    • If you mod a save file to romance Kaidan as a male Shepard, this is one of the lines that was recorded before the option was cut, so the dialog plays out in its entirety. Mark Meer's delivery isn't quite as tongue-in-cheek, so he comes off as Straight Gay while Kaidan's lines are still delivered the same, like he's talking to a woman.
    • What about this?

 Ashley: Wow. Gives "down and give me twenty" a whole new meaning.

Shepard: You still sassin' me soldier? I think you need some more physical training.

  • Also, if you have Wrex with you when you first arrive on Noveria, and you have the confrontation with the dock guards.

 Shepard: Easy. We don't want to start a fight.

Wrex: .....why not?

    • Tali's reaction is just as good: "I'll be... right behind you. That armor is in good condition?"
    • And then there's the conversation with Lorik Qui'in, hilarious no matter who you bring with you: Kaidan's remark about asari and extranet fetish sites, Qui'in calmly asking Shepard to try not to get blood on his office carpets, and Wrex telling Qui'in that if the Executive Board doesn't support him, "you should eat them."
      • The fetish site thing is especially funny considering his earlier claim that Liara is "not to his taste", and he doesn't have much interest in "alien culture". Suuuuure.
        • And let's not forget his comments regarding Chora's Den, filled with asari strippers:

 I can see why this place is so popular. It's got quite the... view.

          • Though Ashley's reaction is much sillier:

  "Hey, LT, put your tongue back in your mouth before you trip on it."

      • Let's not forget Ashley's ironic Take That against the video game industry.
  • Lorik Qui'in has evidence that Administrator Anoleis is crooked and has Shepard retrieve the evidence. If you ask him to testify instead of using it for blackmail, he will refuse. You can convince him... OR you can just give it to Anoleis instead (ruining Qui'in's career, and possibly his life) simply to backstab him. Upon telling Qui'in (who is naturally in shock), he asks why. The Renegade response?
    • Gianna Parasini's reaction is also excellent, as is Shepard's response, made even funnier when Jennifer Hale does it.

 Parasini: Spectre, have you given any more consideration to my offer?

Shepard: Anoleis paid me for it. Tough luck.

Parasini: You're kidding. Do you have any i...WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?

Shepard: Language miss.

  • And in the ruins of Feros:

 Krogan Commander: Damn it! Tell me what I want or I'll blast your virtual ass into actual dust!

Virtual Intelligence: Please contact your supervisor for a level four security exemption, or make an appointment with--

Krogan Commander: Stupid machine!

VI: If there is nothing else, please step aside. There is a queue forming behind you for the use of this console.

The krogan turns around to see Commander Shepard and company.

Krogan Commander: Oh, good, I really need to kill somebody!

    • Especially funny due to this troper's extreme frustration with technology. Stupid machine!
  • The elevator music. Makes the otherwise-boring elevator sequences pretty damn funny... or at least Great Penguin thinks so.
    • Speaking of the elevators, nearly everyone's elevator conversations on the Citadel. Bonus points for the mention of Francis Kitt's production of Hamlet with elcor actors.
      • This is even funnier in Mass Effect 2, when you learn that this production of Hamlet is a riveting FOURTEEN HOURS long.
    • The much-maligned elevator rides are, at least, good for comedy:

 Wrex: Hey, Tali. Your people created the geth, ever talk about it?

Tali: Do the krogan talk about starting a stupid war that got your species sterilized?

Wrex: All the time.

      • And this:

 Tali: With all this exploration of Prothean culture, this must be like a survey for you, Liara.

Liara: Our travels now are somewhat different from my normal excavations. I would prefer lengthier studies, and fewer explosions.

Tali: Yes. Most of the technology that I hoped to send back to the Flotilla has subsequently attempted to kill us.

        • Somewhat of a Funny Aneurysm Moment when you consider what happened with the technology she did send back.
      • Alternatively, with Wrex:

 Liara: Our travels now are somewhat different from my normal excavations. I would prefer lengthier studies, and fewer explosions.

Wrex: It's good for you. A nice explosion now and then keeps the mind sharp.

      • Wrex, on killing krogans despite the genophage: "Anyone who fights us is either stupid or on Saren's payroll. Killing the latter is business. Killing the former is a favor to the universe."
      • And when first talking to him on the Normandy: "There was this one time the turians almost wiped out our entire race. That was fun." It's the delivery that makes it hilarious.
      • Eh, let's just say ANY elevator conversation with Wrex is worthy for the lulz. Still, for This Troper this piece takes the cake:

 Kaidan: I haven't spent much time with krogan before, Wrex. I have to say, you're not what I expected.

Wrex: Right. Because you humans have a wide range of cultures and attitudes, but krogan all think and act exactly alike.

Kaidan: Whoa. I-I didn't mean... Look, just forget I said anything.

Wrex: Done.

    • All of Wrex's lines are pretty much made of hilarity. It's the way he delivers them. Everything is said in this completely deadpan voice where you can't quite tell if he's joking or not at first. He usually is, though--I'm pretty sure just does it on purpose because he thinks it's funny to watch other species squirm while they try to wriggle their way out of getting mauled by an angry krogan. It's just so funny that the oldest, grumpiest member of your squad is also the designated Deadpan Snarker.
      • Joker may be quite adept at being the Deadpan Snarker, but Wrex truly elevates this to an art form.
  • If you take Wrex on the mission to save Liara, when the cave-in starts and you go up the elevator, Wrex utters the immortal words:

 Wrex: If we die in here, I'll kill him. (Him being Joker)

This is then followed by That One Boss.

 Garrus: Some Krogan believe testicle transplants will increase their virility. Counteract the effects of the Genophage. It doesn't work but that doesn't stop them from buying. They'll pay up to 10,000 credits each. That's 40,000 for a full set *Beat* Somebody's making a killing out there.

    • Which gets referenced in the second game when Renegade Shepard, during Thane's loyalty mission, can threaten to cut Elias Kelham's balls off and sell them to a krogan.
  • If you didn't get the codes to start the Neutron Purge while on Noveria, one of Shepard's lines is "Sic Semper *cough*", in a shout out to Army of Darkness's "Klaatu...Barada...*mumble*" The VI will take a slight pause before denying access.
    • The party responses to Mira's explanation of how dangerous the neutron purge is are also good for a laugh. Wrex argues with it, claiming it would be like a walk in the sun for a krogan (whereas Mira claims that it's lethal to ALL lifeforms). If Liara and Ashley or Kaidan are with you, Liara tells Shepard the importance of reading the directions on any controls s/he uses, prompting Ashley/Kaidan to remark that it's always a good idea to RTFM, to Liara's confusion. If Tali is with you she will provide the immortal line:

 Tali: Don't press big red buttons.

      • There is also the VI's response to Liara's saying that they shouldn't press buttons. "That is a wise precaution for every terminal in this facility."
  • Speaking of Army of Darkness...

 Ashley: Nothing like a nice relaxing day on the beach, blasting bad guys with my boomstick!

  • During a playthrough, a krogan mercenary was charging at my character. Being an Adept, the equivalent of a squishy wizard, I used the Lift power to fling said krogan into the air. It turns out that the game incorporated Newton's first law into the game, and the krogan floated up while still moving forward, drifting over Shepard's head while flailing uselessly. The kicker? The path of the krogan's drift ended up taking him over a railing and falling down into the sea.
    • Sir Isaac Newton is the deadliest son of a bitch in space, after all.
  • The description of the planet Prescyla.

 "In the recent past, a pirate band from the Terminus Systems carved a message into the surface using ship-based laser weapons. In hundred-meter-wide batarian syllabic, the message proclaims the military prowess and virility of one 'Captain Zaysh'. A smaller postscript alludes to the questionable parentage of all humans."

 Shepard: Anoleis is paying you to shake this place down. That makes you a criminal. I can kill criminals.

Guard: You're bluffing.

Wrex: You're right. They're actually going to let me eat you.

Guard: ...How about this? You pretend you didn't see us, we'll pretend we didn't see you.

  • "Oh crap, a pop-up."
  • "Yeah, well if you want me in a tin foil mini skirt and thigh-high boots, you're gonna have to buy me dinner first."
    • "Sir."

 Ashley: Or maybe they just don't like humans.

Shepard: Why not? We've got oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called love. According to the old vids, we have everything they want.

Kaidan: When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you. I mean, us! Humans! Ma'am.

Ashley: You don't take much shore leave, do you, L-T?

      • From the same exchange:

 Kaidan: Big place!

Ashley: ...That your professional opinion, sir?

      • And at the end of the conversation, after Kaidan's fumble:

 Ashley: I'll walk drag, ma'am.

  • "Who votes to take the vehicle into the creepy underground tunnel?"
    • Then Garrus: "Yes. Its weapons' massive firepower should be useful in these cramped quarters."
  • When Ashley is telling Shepard about her family and gets to the part about her father:

 Ashley: Dad passed on a few years back, he's probably still watching though, so behave.

Shepard: He's not a zombie, is he?

  • "I haven't been shot in the head nearly enough times for that to sound like a good idea."
  • "Your grasp of the obvious is inspiring."

 Ashley: Huh. Nobody died.

Kaidan: I could shoot someone if it would make you feel better.

Ashley: Nah, I'm good.

  • One of the best elevator conversations ever, between Wrex and Tali:

 Wrex: Who would win in a fight between you and Shepard?

Tali: Do krogan size up everyone they meet for a fight, including friends and allies?

Wrex: Yes.

    • Wrex's tone makes him sound surprised that she even asked the question, in the "you don't?" sense.
    • If you have Wrex and Kaidan, the conversation ends up going something like this.

 Wrex: Who would win in a fight between you and Shepard?

Kaidan: What? Commander Shepard is my superior officer. I can't see us ever having to fight.

Wrex: You can't? That's why Shepard is your superior officer. And that's why... Shepard would win.

      • If one thinks about this, this also means that Wrex, one of the most badass individuals in the universe believes Shepard could kick his butt most days since Wrex is willing to let Shepard order him around most of the time.
      • He's not wrong. The standoff in ME3 proves that.
  • After you choose to gun down Wrex, Kaidan approaches you and asks if you're okay. The Renegade answer is: "I'm feeling a hell of a lot better than he is."
  • When you're in the Citadel:

 C-Sec Guard: That hanar refuses to listen to reason, why can't it act in an orderly and lawful manner?

Shepard:Because it's a big, stupid jellyfish!

  • Then there's this gem:

 Asari Councilor: Do not cut me off again, Commander. I fail to find it amusing."

Shepard: Whoops.

  • Also if you keep cutting off the Council, this happens.
  • Ashley trying to romance Shepard with poetry can lead to this reply.

 "As I recall the captain dies in that poem."

  • Ashley's conversation with Shepard, after he used Paragon to persuade Jeong into saving the colonists.

 Shepard: I just pretend I have my head up my ass and don't care about anything except money.

Ashley: That would be a waste of a perfectly fine ass... sir.

    • To female Shepard she says this:

 Ashley: Painful. I'll leave that to you.

    • Kaidan's remark on that sequence to both Shepards;

 Kaidan: If I ever get a traffic ticket, I want you to be my advocate.

  • If you wait until near the end of the game to go to Therum for Liara, she's been trapped in a detention field a good while, and is initially convinced that Shepard and teammates are hallucinations.

 "Are you real? Oh, no, don't be stupid, Liara. Humans do not come here. You're hallucinating. And talking to yourself."

  • From the rarely-seen renegade Kaidan, regarding the Council:

 "50,000 years to figure this out and it's down to 25 mutineers. Way to go, team Milky Way."

    • And Shepard's comment from the same conversation:
  • During a conversation with Ashley about some of her anti-alien sentiments, you can get something along the lines of the following exchange:

 Ashley: You ask me to jump, I’ll say 'how high?' You ask me to kiss a turian, I'll say 'which cheek'?

Shepard: I don't think kissing turians is going to be necessary, Chief.

    • Pretty standard humor for Ashley. Then cue ME2's romantic options...
      • Personally, this troper prefers this branch from the "kiss a turian" line.

 Shepard: Will you kiss anyone I tell you to?

Ashley: Yes, sir. Unless you ask me to kiss a superior officer. This would violate Alliance regulations on fraternization. At which point, I would refuse your request and relieve you of your command. ...Sir.

 Shepard: Is there an asari in the hot labs?

Mira: There is an asari I do not recognize standing next to you.

Liara: How humans tolerate such literal-minded VIs is beyond me...

  • Ashley's comments on Chora's Den is always good for a chuckle.
"A million light years from where humanity began and we walk into a bar filled with men drooling over half naked women shaking their asses on a stage. I can't decide if that's funny or sad."
Kaidan: What, you don't think they're here because of the food?
  • Appointing Captain Anderson as the human representative in the Council:

 Ambassador Udina: Him? You must be joking. Anderson prefers his fists to do the talking.

Captain Anderson: Only with you, Ambassador. Only with you.

  • There's a hilarious bit in the Upper Markets on the Citadel. A human customer keeps attempting to make a return to a turian salesman. Their back and forth is made even funnier when another (turian) customer's return is accepted much more easily.
    • He has a proof of purchase, sir.
    • If you follow it to the end he finds the receipt and gets a refund with no trouble. Until it continues in the sequel, of course...
  • Talking to Ashley about Eden Prime:

 Shepard: The geth are perfect ambushers. They don't move, they don't sleep, they don't even breathe.

Ashley: Sir, they have flashlight heads!

  • Lorik Qui'in remarking on a human turn of phrase:

 Shepard: (When finishing up a conversation with him) I should let you go.

Qui'in: "Let me go"? Do humans consider conversation a form of imprisonment? Maybe that is why so few are willing to sit and talk."

  • Ashley's legendary snark moment before you pick a second team leader on Virmire:

 Ashley: Commander will need your help setting up the nuke, I'll go with the salarians.

Kaidan: With all due respect, gunnery chief, it's not your place to decide.

Ashley: Why is it when someone says "With All Due Respect," they really mean "kiss my ass"?

    • Made even better - or tragic - when Shepard subsequently says "with all due respect" to the Council during the argument that leads to the Normandy's lockdown.
    • On a much lighter note again; Shepard seems to take Ashley's interpretation of the phrase every other times he/she says it.
  • This troper has always loved bringing Garrus to the Rogue AI assignment on the Citadel.

 AI: Probability of detection 100%. Initiating self-destruct protocol.


Garrus: That could be a problem.

  • Shepard seeing Species 37 a.k.a. the Thorian for the first time.
    • Alternatively, Shepard's weary and frustrated renegade response:

 Shepard: Nothing's ever simple is it?

    • All three of the possible responses are pretty funny; the Paragon reaction is a humorously understated, "This could be... problematic."
  • Bring Kaidan and Wrex along when you go hunt down Fist. Kaidan's reaction to Wrex suddenly gunning Fist down is hilarious.

 Wrex: [shoots Fist dead]

Kaidan: Oh my God!

  • In a minor sidequest on the Citadel, Shepard can either help the salarian Schells develop a device for cheating at space slot machines, or give the prototype device to the casino's owner and then go back and tell Schells about it. His flabbergasted reaction is already pretty funny, but when he asks what he's supposed to do now, Shepard's companions break out the snark:

 Kaidan: Get a job?

Schells: You're no help at all!

  • Wrex and Kaidan tend to be a great combination for hilarity value. While on Noveria, when the rachni start banging around but before they're actually revealed:

 Kaidan: What was that?!

Wrex: Probably debris. Don't have a panic attack. I'll protect you.

  • Noveria again:

 Kaidan: I think I've got snow in my boots! Mom was right. I should've brought a sweater.

  • Admiral Ahern is hilarious.

 "Commander, your ability to weigh the pros and cons of standing in the way of gunfire seems to be improving."

"You can add a broken record to the list of things you've ruined."

"Don't just stand there lookin' pretty, kill something!"

"Sorry, Shepard, but there's no award for most times shot."

"Wow. Shepard, the only way your team could have made better use of their unique talents is if you had gone into battle with your eyes crossed."

  • When confronting a scientist who helped Saren one of the possible options is this:

 I'm gonna blow this place to hell and gone. If you want to make it out alive you better start running.

    • She protests, then sees that Shepard's clearly not listening and bolts, before your allies comment on their\Shepard's enjoyment of the scene.

Mass Effect 2

  • "I've had enough of your disingenuous assertions." [SHEPARD PAWNCH!]
    • In the Shadow Broker's lair, you can find a video clip of her getting punched by a krogan, which makes her feet leave the ground. Ouch.
    • Or the video clip of her getting kicked in the shin by a volus on your second visit.
    • The most striking video clip is something nobody saw coming. Despite her obvious pro-human/xenophobic stance on everything in life she is shown having a brief make-out session with an Asari lover.
  • Grunt. In combat, a combination of a certain Battle Cry and a Badass Boast cut off and spliced at the right time leads to this:
  • One of the best reasons to bring Grunt with you to Haelstrom.

 Grunt: (upon seeing the Geth Colossus, with unbridled joy) THIS is why I follow you, Shepard! BIG THINGS!

  • On the Presidium, if you saved the Council in the first game:
  • Mordin's loyalty mission, if Tali is there. The drugged Urdnot scout you can talk to can be Charmed into returning to base, leading to this exchange:

 Shepard: It'd take a real badass to get back to Urdnot, though.

Scout: I can do it!

Shepard: [scoffs] You? I said a badass, not a scout sitting there whining like a quarian with a bellyache!

Tali: I'm standing right here!

    • Once the scout leaves -- with Shepard riling him up to go to the female camp, no less -- Tali grudgingly admits that it worked very well.
    • Or, if Garrus is there: "There's no pep talk like a military pep talk."
    • If Jacob is there: "Reminds me of boot camp."
  • This exchange between Joker and Shepard:

 Joker: Just you watch Commander, it'll be just like the good old days!

Shepard: I hope not. I died.

Joker: Gah, you're such a downer!

 Thane: you ever wonder where they go?

Shepard: I never really thought about it.

Everyone: Hmmmm.

(cuts to image of a sci-fi toilet bowl)

Mercenaries: "Help!" "Hold your breath!" "I can't swim!"

    • Made even funnier when you realize Grunt is his own recruitment mission.
  • Any moment during the parts where you are romancing Tali is either this, or Crowning Moment of Heartwarming.
    • Same with Garrus. Despite his rough (literally) exterior, despite being a complete badass, he falls hilariously apart when it comes to romance, realizing that whatever he says sounds horribly wrong. Paragon Shepard's responses are along the lines of "shut up, loosen up, it's okay, I still like you."
    • Most of Jacob's romance falls under this as well, especially when he is wondering how Shepard can push all of his buttons and make him like it.
      • But the priiize...
  • The cutscene before Legion's personal mission in Mass Effect 2. As the Normandy approaches a geth space station, Joker tells Legion that anyone on the station could "just look out a window and see us coming." Legion gives Joker a Mathematician's Answer, explaining that geth do not use windows because they're structural weaknesses, and proceeds to set the coordinates for the landing zone. Joker mocks Legion by making exaggerated robotic movements, and right on cue, Shepard walks up and catches him in the act. Joker pauses, rolls his eyes, and gets back to work.
    • One has to wonder if that wasn't also something of a Stealth Pun as well...
      • It's also even funnier for certain players, if you talk to EDI in the observation decks, Shepard will tell EDI that the windows on the Normandy are a weak-point.
        • And much like Legion, she also explains to the organic why it doesn't matter.
    • Gets a Call Back in Mass Effect 3, when they pull the exact same trick on the Geth Dreadnaught.

 Shepard: Geth don't use windows, remember? Structural weakness.

Shepard: Oh yeah, I bet the geth are all sitting around saying "The organics would never try the no-windows thing twice".

  • Pretty much any overheard conversation or advertisement in Mass Effect 2.
    • Of particular note was an exchange started by Garrus, who'd mentioned how he missed riding the elevators in Citadel because of the lack of conversation.

 Garrus: You ever miss those talks we had on the elevators?

Tali: No.

Garrus: Come on, remember how we'd all ask you about your life on the flotilla? It was an opportunity to share!

Tali: This conversation is over.

Garrus: Tell me again about your immune system!

Tali: I have a shotgun.

Garrus: Maybe we'll talk later.

      • One can't help but suspect that Garrus is making fun of Shepard as well, with the whole nonchalant "we'll talk later" thing.
        • It also sounds like he's flirting with her - which just makes it funnier, and in the third game foreshadows that they can hook up if you didn't romance either of them. Also a stealth reference to Fleet and Flotilla.
  • Mordin sings Gilbert and Sullivan. "Always had me do the patter songs."
    • "I'm sorry. I know that was important, but... You performed Gilbert and Sullivan?"

 I am the very model of a scientist salarian. I've studied species turian, asari, and batarian.

I'm quite good at genetics (as a subset of biology) because I am an expert (which I know is a tautology).

My xenoscience studies range from urban to agrarian, I am the very model of a scientist salarian.

    • At the end, there's a long delay between the end of Mordin's song and Shepard's response. For any other conversation, it would sound like an extreme case of Paused Interrupt, but after this conversation it sounds like Shepard is just as speechless as the player. Even if the player picks a response immediately, there is that pause.
      • Then the professor raises a glove to his mouth: "Ahem."
    • Mordin finding Cerberus's surveillance bugs in the Normandy's research lab when first brought aboard. He mentions off-handedly that he destroyed most of them, in a manner that suggests he found it cute that Cerberus thought those bugs would actually escape his notice. He also nonchalantly returns the expensive bug to Miranda.
    • Also Mordin giving some medical advices. You'll have a hell of hard time believing it's not a fan-made video, but there you have it.
      • The bulk of it remains the same, but is partly tweaked for your partner of choice. Interesting alien facts abound!
      • "Prolonged human to drell skin contact can cause small rash, aching. Oral contact may cause mild hallucinations."
      • "Turians based on dextro-amino acids. Human ingestion of tissue could provoke allergic reactions. Anaphylactic shock possible. So don't, ah, ingest."
        • He also mentions "alcohol and mood music" off-handedly, which becomes hilarious when Garrus brings a bottle of wine and turns on Shepard's sound system, which suggests that either Mordin told Garrus to try that or Garrus told Mordin he was going to do it during their "talk".
      • With Jack, he cautions that Shepard might get injured by her during sex, and prescribes biotic inhibitors. (and padding the walls.)
      • With Miranda, he cautions you to be wary of "bugs" - they can be planted anywhere. And he offers to give you an exam afterwards.
      • If Shepard is not involved with someone (or hasn't progressed far enough with the Romance Sidequest), Mordin's speech goes from giving advice to an awkward conversation about having to let Shepard down easy.

 Mordin: Different species react differently to stress. Aware you have come by a great deal. Have had other species become attracted to me before. Awkward. Not interested.

Commander Shepard: You've had members of another species make a pass at you?

Mordin: CONSTANTLY. Very awkward. Skin tone apparently attractive by turian standards. Subset of krogan deviants enjoys salarian flexibility. More cartilage than skeletal structure. Asari offers... intriguing, actually. Wonder why. Trans-species pheromones unlikely to work. *inhales* Must be neurochemical.

Commander Shepard: (with a slight grin if using Paragon) I appreciate you letting me down easy.

Mordin: No offense intended. Salarian reproduction different. Very little sex drive. If intended to try human, would try you. Glad you stopped by. Clear the air.

  • A possible combo with Ascended Meme, but a chef in the lowest portion of the Citadel in Mass Effect 2 states: "Have you ever heard of Ramen? It's a delicacy on Earth!"
    • Not to mention that after you walk by him afterwards, he greets you with a mangled version of "Irasshaimase!"
      • If someone could explain to me what those things are actually referring to, I'd be grateful...
      • Ramen is a rather cheap noodle product sold in various powdered flavors. It is very cheap. I love it. It is cheap.
      • In a proper Japanese restaurant ramen passes for a delicacy- nothing instant.
      • Not to mention easy to make, this troper lives in West coast Canada and one of his favorite brands is essentially packaged rectangles of noodles you boil for three minutes and than add the flavoring.
      • Unless, you know, you actually go to Japan. There, while not a delicacy, it is certainly more than "cheap".
      • Actually... it's still cheap, by their standards.
      • This troper always saw the Ramen scene as something of a Truth in Television regarding modern "gourmet" foods. Lobster, a frequently-cited example, was once considered "peasant food" due to its "unclean" nature as a bottom-feeder. Nowadays, it's extremely expensive gourmet seafood.
      • Kasumi will coo at the sight of the ramen shop, and comment how she would steal it from her own mother.
      • Specifically Kasumi said she'd steal her mom's ramen RECIPE apparently because of how good it is.
      • More specifically, she says she regrets NOT stealing it.
    • "Sniff. This what passes for food out here? My tastes run more along the lines of edible. Looks like worms. Dead ones. This a human thing? Ugh. I'll pass. I'll eat almost anything, but I stress 'almost.'"
  • After doing Garrus' loyalty mission in Mass Effect 2, when you ask him how turians prepare for risky operations, he tells you a story about how he sparred with a female recon scout. He had reach, but she had flexibility, and they went nine rounds before the ref declared the match a tie. Then he says something like this:

 Garrus: Afterwards, we ended up holding a tiebreaker in my quarters...I had reach...she had flexibility. More than one way to work off stress, I guess.

    • And of course Fem Shep can provide us with this.

 Shepard: What do you say we skip right to the tiebreaker. We can test your reach and my flexibility.

  • Speaking of Garrus, his romance arc with Female Shepard produces this gem after Shepard and he discuss when they should attempt to have sex.

 Garrus: 'I'd wait, if you're okay with it. Disrupt the crew as little as possible...and take that last chance to find some calm just before the storm. You know me, I always like to savor the last shot before popping the heat sink.'

Garrus: Wait... that metaphor just went somewhere horrible.

    • And when you talk to him after suggesting it for the first time:

  Garrus: I've never considered cross-species intercourse before. And damn, saying it that way doesn't help. Now I feel all dirty and clinical.

    • ...and a bit later:

  Garrus: It'll either be a night to treasure, or a horrible interspecies awkwardness which case, fighting the Collectors will be a welcome distraction, so you know, a win either way.

  • How about when Shepard gets wasted at that bar on the Citadel?
    • How about Shepard getting wasted with Dr. Chakwas? She even passes out in one of her own hospital beds!
      • Your toast to Joker: "To the ornery bastard who flies this ship."
      • Or the final toast:

 Shepard: Here's to simply being happily drunk.

Chakwas: I'll drink to that!

    • Getting wasted on the Citadel? Waking up in the bathroom with a turian pissing in front of you is just priceless.
    • Also on the Citadel, Shepard approves of another drink by saying, "Do it!" The delivery is hilarious.
    • And if you decide to have yet another drink (which is liquor meant to be consumed by Krogan, no less):

 Shepard: Hell yeah. Put more of the stuff in the...thing more stuff goes in.

    • Hell, Shepard getting wasted at ANY point in the game.
  • During Jack's recruitment mission

 Warden Kuril: Bounty hunters aren't dependable

Zaeed: You aren't hiring the right ones!

  • Legion dancing. That is all.
    • The best part is that he's beatboxing. And it's actually quite good....
      • This troper found out when he walked into Legion's hideout in the AI Core and caught the very tail end of the animation. Que What.
  • What about Shepard headbutting a krogan on Tuchanka? The "what the hell was that" look the krogan gives him/her is priceless.
    • This one's simultaneously a CMOA. Shepard gets krogan psych.
    • The krogan shaman certainly thinks so: "Ba ha ha ha! I like this human! S/He understands!"
  • Anything that comes out of Mordin's mouth.

 "Hate metaphors. Get a doctorate! Have a REAL conversation!"

"Kirrahe. Yes, remember him. Good captain. Bit of a cloaca though. Loved his speeches. 'Hold the line!' Personally, prefer to get job done and go home."

    • Even funnier when you realise that he actually says "Hold the line!" when enemies charge at you.
      • Then a lot, lot less funny when he dies during the suicide mission and, with his last breath, asks you to "tell them... I held the line."
    • Any of Mordin's "can't talk right now" lines are pure gold.

 "Trying to determine how scale-itch got onto Normandy. Sexually transmitted disease, only carried by varren. Implications...unpleasant." (It's Kelly's fault)

"Working on Collector data. Have ruled out artificially intelligent virus...unless it's very intelligent...and toying with me...hmm... tests."

"Not at the moment. Think I've unlocked Collector interest in humans. Wait. No. Only one heart. Krogan have two. Scratch that."

"Later better. Think I've cured Joker's condition. Simple treatment would... No, no, no, no. Would cause liver failure. Never mind. Start from scratch."

"Some other time. About to test new bio-weapon. Not on us, of course. Didn't think I had to specify, but Joker got nervous."

"Having trouble working between your interruptions and EDI's insistence that 'insane' experiments endanger entire crew. Hard to concentrate. Affecting morale."

"Not a good time. Trying to map contamination vectors. Requires focus. Ship-wide infection of human-tailored virus possible if I slip."

"Later. Updating crew dental records. All Cerberus personnel have cyanide capsules in molars. Primitive. Ocular nerve flashbangs harder to disarm."

    • Apparently Mordin missed one of the bugs, because TIM used that idea, as shown in an email in Liara's cabin in Mass Effect 3.
  • A conversation between the Normandy's chef and a random crew member:

 Hawthorne: "Chef's Surprise again? Come on, Rupert!"

Chef: "Well, I'm so sorry, princess. Filet mignon and caviar coming right up. Let me just get out my doilies!"

Hawthorne: "That'd be reeeeeeeal nice, Mr. Gardner."

    • Anything out of Gardner's mouth becomes unintentional comedy, simply because he's noticeably voiced the same guy who does Ambassador Udina.

 Shepard: "So, the man cleaning the toilets is also preparing the meals?"

Chef: "Hey, I wash my hands...most of the time. This ain't no luxury liner, you have to pull your own weight on a Cerberus vessel, and I just catch what falls through the cracks. Heh, through the cracks."

      • When he first played, this troper laughed the -first- time Gardner said "Through the cracks." He was subsequently surprised when Gardner did so at exactly the same time.
        • When you do get better supplies for him to cook with, the next comment by Hawthorne in the mess is hilarious:

 Hawthorne: Hey Rupert, new food is great! Tastes like you added more food, less ass!

  • You can take Legion with you onto the Citadel and have the discussion with the C-Sec officer at the front desk about heightened security to protect from geth infiltration while he's standing right there. Even better is that he comments on it and the officer doesn't even realize that he's geth.

 Legion, Geth Infiltrator: "Geth do not intentionally infiltrate."

    • In a similar vein, bringing Legion along on Tali's loyalty mission on the Flotilla triggers a short cutscene where the quarian guards hold you at gunpoint and angrily tell you to get him off the ship. The CMOF comes because after this, the game shifts into the *regular* cutscene, where Tali indignantly denies ever sending active geth parts to her father.

  Shepard (While Legion is just off-camera): "You were sending geth parts to the Flotilla?!"

 EDI: We can save the Normandy, Mr. Moreau, but you're going to have to help me. Give me the ship.

Joker: What, are you crazy? You start singing "Daisy Bell" and I'm done!

[Joker makes his way to the AI Core]

Joker: All right, I'm

EDI: Connect the core to the Normandy's primary control module.

Joker: Great. See, this is where it starts, and when we're all just organic batteries, guess who they'll blame? "This is all Joker's fault. What a tool he was! I have to spend all day computing pi because he plugged in the Overlord!"

[The lights flicker while Joker looks worried]

EDI: Ah, I have access to the defensive systems. Thank you, Mr. Moreau. Now you must reactivate the primary drive in engineering.

Joker: Argh! You want me to go crawling through the ducts again.

EDI: I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees.

[Joker stares at EDI with a long and wary "What. The. Shit?" look on his face.]

EDI: That was a joke.

Joker: Right.

 EDI: ...Really, Commander?

    • If you do it again, she says

 EDI: [sigh] Probing Uranus. [1]

 Recruiter: Well, aren't you sweet. You're in the wrong place, honey. Stripper's quarters are that way.

(Shepard pulls out her gun)

Shepard: Show me yours, tough guy, I bet mine's bigger.

    • Then, the Batarian recruiter says "impressive" in one of the most bored voices ever heard.
  • Herrot, the elcor merchant on Omega. The only elcor in the entire game who is smoking a cigar. Also, when you intimidate him to lay off on Kenn:

 Herrot: With barely contained terror: You drive a hard bargain human.

 Batarian prophet: Humans are a blight on galactic purity. You sir! You are a blight! And you! And you, human. And you!

    • For clarification, the Batarian prophet's entire audience is a gaggle of curious humans.
  • The famous, award-winning all-elcor run of Hamlet makes a return appearance in a Citadel advertisement. Watch here: Elcor Hamlet

 Gertrude: Uneasy: What wilt thou do. Thou wilt not murder me. Help. Help. Ho.

Polonius: Shocked: What ho. Help. Help. Help.

Hamlet: Startled: How now. A rat. Dead for a ducat. Dead.

Polonius: Agonized: O. I am slain.

Gertrude: Horrified: O me. What has thou done.

Hamlet: Shaken: Nay. I know not. Is it the king.

Gertrude: Horror gives way to anger: O. What rash and bloody deed is this.

Hamlet: Venomous Sarcasm: What a piece of work is a man!

  • My personal favorite has to be the salarian video game salesman. Everything he says is great, but these are two of my personal favorites:

 "I don't get the complaints about the Grim Terminus Alliance games. So what if you can capture and beat slaves? It's just a game."

"Those asari/hanar porn games they sell in Shin Akiba are really nasty."

"For an extra ten credits you can buy the copy protection package!"

  • The fourth wall comes in for a lot of abuse in this game, most notably with the game salesman (see above), but in other areas as well.
    • You can buy the first two tie-in novels (marketed as "military history," no less) in the Citadel Souvenirs shop.
    • There's also some fluff text about your prototype mods being equipped with Fabrication Rights Management software, which is hilarious given the Torches and Pitchforks fan response to the first game's DRM measures.
    • Finding futuristic spam in your personal message queue, including ads for reproductive mods and discount pharmaceuticals, an inheritance scam, and an uplifting chain letter.
      • And one of the spam comes from a merchant you met in the first game!
    • The two asari who wound up on C-Sec's terrorist... ahem, "geth infiltrator" watch list. The C-Sec customs officer's responses to your increasingly frustrated attempts to clear them are straight out of the US Department of Homeland Security textbook.
      • It's even funnier if Legion is in your party at the time.
    • Miranda's loyalty mission features a ride on a dead-slow cargo elevator, complete with the first game's infamous muzak. Miranda proceeds to scream at it for being too damned slow, and then smashes the panel to speed it up.
    • Comparing the salarian Special Tasks Group to the Spectres, Mordin comments that the STG is better funded - at least they don't have to buy their own weapons.
  • The asari and her krogan boyfriend in an otherwise forgettable sidequest on Illium. As if the krogan spouting greeting-card love poetry wasn't funny enough, we get this exchange with the asari. (Bonus points if you're remaining faithful to your own asari companion.)

 Asari: Krogan live for a really long time... it's not like a human where you just have to stick around for a century or so before they die...

Shepard: (offended look)

Asari: ...Oh, sorry. Not... meaning that personally or anything.

    • It gets even better: After the two of them hook up, you can find them on Tuchanka, where he's trying to convince her that living in a post-apocalyptic ruin is far more fun than living in a futuristic metropolis. It almost makes you wonder if you doomed the poor girl . . .
  • The Cat Fight between Miranda and Jack if you complete both their loyalty missions. Joker's Covert Pervert response is priceless:

  Joker: Take pictures!

  • The bar on Illium is home to many of these. In addition to those already mentioned, there is a conversation between a female quarian and a turian. The quarian is complaining about her Jerkass human boyfriend's insensitivity to biochemical barriers and the like, while the turian is engaged in a pretty transparent attempt to hit on her. It's all the funnier if you are in the middle of romancing your squad representative from either species, where the issues discussed are actually a minor plot point.
    • Made even funnier if you overhear the next part of the conversation. The quarian mentions how a little dry spell won't kill her, because, worst-case scenario, she's always got that nerve-stimulation package built into her suit. The turian goes on talking for a moment, then stops with a shocked "What?"
      • It gets even better. In Lair of The Shadow Broker, after you kill him and Liara takes over you can see some things recorded on all of your recruited members and read a list purchases and things bought by Tali and installed/uninstalled by her. She installs and uninstalls that nerve-stimulation package quite often and (I'm not sure if this is only for people who romanced her) after installing the Immunoboost Professional Edition (it's pretty clear what that was for) she installed the Nerve-Stim Pro Deluxe Edition. Damn, Shepard must be REALLY good.
        • It's not just for people who romanced her, which suggests that Tali must be bottling up some...tension, and looking for a way to release it, which just makes it even funnier! Seeing her erasing and reinstalling the program so hurriedly reminds me of a teenager trying to hide their dirty magazines or something.
          • Maybe she's contemplating Garrus if she can't be with Shepard? She did buy "Fleet & Flotilla", after all.
            • And after watching it immediately uninstalled the Nerve-Stim, so maybe it's not her thing after all.
              • Then she reinstalled it. Then she uninstalled it again. Then the whole thing ended with her installing the "deluxe version".
  • A short discussion on Illium when you're talking to the officers before recruiting Samara. The cop mentions that her orders are to arrest Samara, which would mean Samara killing her (long story). As a Paragon you can say that the orders are unjust, and you shouldn't be sent in to certain death on commanders orders.

 Miranda: Good advice, let's remember that the next time Shepard sends us against impossible odds.

Tali: Which is about twice a day.

    • Garrus adds in his 2 cents as well:

  Garrus: We can disobey suicide orders? Why wasn't I told?

    • Or Grunt's response to Miranda:

  Grunt: Which isn't nearly often enough.

    • What about Thane's?

  Thane: Every time Shepard sends us to perform an impossible task, I have to remind myself that I volunteered for this.

 Garrus: We can disobey suicide orders? Why wasn't I told?

Tali: Which is about twice a day.

    • Erm, Legion's?

 Legion': Shephard-Commander orders us to statistically probable death an average of 2.73 instances per day. Rounding down.

  • Pretty much anything that comes out of Matriarch Aethyta's mouth.
    • Her mother was an asari commando who fought in the Krogan Rebellions. Her father was a krogan who fought in the rachni wars. She was a matriarch and he was pushing a thousand when he discovered the truth. They called Aethyta, who was about a hundred and working as a stripper at the time, to tell her they were going to have it out and she was to love whichever one survived.

  Turned out to be damned easy! Since neither one did.

    • Sometimes her mother would put on the old commando leathers for "special nights" with her father, much to Aethyta's embarrassment.
    • Her epic Screw You, Elves is mostly serious, but it still contains a reference to the other asari "laughing the blue off her ass".
    • She warns Shepard not to drink anything meant for turians and quarians. She uses as a reference point the time she witness a krogan drink a liquified turian on a dare six or seven centuries back.

  "Nobody came out of that one looking pretty."

    • Try talking to her after drinking the "Mystery Drink" from the drink kiosk. You'll notice her appearance has... changed.
    • "What can I do for ya? No sex though, I just cleaned the bar."
    • Conrad gets on her nerves a bit. After watching him get shot in the foot she calls him a big baby, before apologizing on the account her father was a krogan. And the reveal that Conrad's wife paid for his ticket results in her doing a Face Palm. The best bit? She doesn't kill Conrad because it would scare away the customers, make a mess, and the property damage would come out of her paycheck.
      • The best part about the Face Palm is that many players are likely to have an identical reaction upon stumbling on that scene for the first time.
      • And after Conrad is gone:

  "Thanks for taking care of that crazy guy. Saves me having to beat him to death with his own spine. That makes the other customers nervous."

  Shepard: Conrad. *draws pistol and aims it at him* This is not acceptable. *Lowers gun and shoots him in the foot* .

    • If the groin attack is chosen, Aethyta reacts thusly;

  Aethyta: Yeah! Kick him in the quad! Sorry. My father was a krogan.

      • Doubly funny is the idea that the Groin Attack means than the obsessed fanboy gets more touch than most of Shepard's romance options.
        • On-screen, anyway.
    • Even the Paragon response is funny in its own way, even though it doesn't resort to violence. Shepard speaks in the most deadpan tone ever.
    • The dialogue option is titled for crying out loud. A show of hands for those who didn't think it.
  • My absolute favorite Moment Of Funny is Conrad explaining how he is pretty much exactly like Shepard:

  Conrad Verner: I talk to people, you know? Ask them if they have big problems that only I can solve. You'd be surprised how many people are just waiting for someone to talk to them. [[[Beat]]] Sometimes I poke through crates, too. You know, for extra credits.

    • That whole conversation is a laugh. I particularly like that bit where Conrad says: "My wife was really supportive. She even paid for my shuttle fare off-world." As if that wasn't funny enough, the camera is positioned just right that you can see the bartender standing behind him do a facepalm.
  • Joker's comments on your new crew members - especially about Garrus.

 Joker: Looks like he finally got that stick out of his butt... except now he's using it to beat guys to death.

Joker (about Mordin, paraphrased): He is this know-it-all type of guy. Does he have a master's degree from FU or something?

    • Joker drops this gem immediately after you recruit Garrus:

 Joker: Hey Commander, we got Garrus back! That's great, because he was totally my favorite… with that pole up his ass.

    • Most of Joker's "idle" chatter is pretty good too:

 "Always the claws and guns. Why can't we invade a fuzzy planet for once? Sure, it'd still be dangerous but, hey, bunnies!"

  • Seeing Harkin get kneed in the crotch by Garrus, and, if you ignore the Paragon quicktime event, Garrus shooting him in the kneecap.
    • And even if the Paragon quicktime event is taken, Garrus will headbutt Harkin before telling Shepard;

  Garrus: "I didn't shoot him."

    • Thane's line to the "duct rat" informant: "Be still, Mouse. You can change your pants in a moment."
    • And the sleazy defense attorney taking off running once Shepard breaks out the Spectre credentials.
  • Sir Isaac Newton is the deadliest son-of-a-bitch in space!
  • Tali in combat to her drone, "Go for the optics Chikktika, go for the optics!"
    • At least for this troper, this doubled as a Crowning Moment of Awesome. Tali has never left my party since.
  • After doing Grunt's loyalty quest where you kill a Thresher Maw, Grunt gets some requests for mating from female krogan, but so does Shepard...even if she's female!
    • If female, it can also be taken as male krogan being interested in Shep just out of how badass she is. Screw the genophage, I got to bed Shepard! as it were.
  • Remember the exchange at the top of the page? The one where you punch a reporter? She makes a return in ME2. Guess what you can do again? Shepard even repeats the exact same line (Well, one adjective is swapped out).
    • If you didn't hit her in ME 1, but do it now, you'll comment how you should have done that the first time.
    • You can smack her down verbally too, leading her to complain that she just got bull-rushed off her own show. Shepard: Win. al-Jilani: Fail.
    • And quite frankly, as hilarious as it is to punch her in the face, the verbal smackdown (using Charm options) is even funnier. If Shepard saved the Council, she complains about sacrificing human lives to save aliens. Shepard completely shuts her down, citing the thousands of turians who also gave their lives and listing the name of every single human ship that was destroyed by Sovereign. It's pretty much amazing.
    • The Renegade option for the verbal beating that puts Al-Jalani in her place is just as satisfying. Shepard leaves Al-Jalani speechless by giving her a hard lesson on the realities of command. The poor girl almost sounds like she is about to cry uttering the line "I... I didn't mean to accuse-" before Shepard puts the final blow to her image by announcing how she insults the memory of everyone who died.
  • Niftu Cal, the volus who's higher than a kite and thinks he is a biotic God, causing Shepard to raise a hand to cradle the oncoming headache from listening to him. Performing a Paragon action leads to Shepard staring at the volus' back as he is about to valiantly waddle in to the next room and get perforated, then gently nudging him. The volus very slowly pitches forward and lands flat on his face. Wonderful visual comedy.
    • "I'll nap. Destroy the universe later..."
    • Or the Renegade option with Shepard's sarcastic "charge."

 Jack: "That was mean... but damn funny."

    • Or if you do nothing, the volus summons a biotic charge and throws it at Wasea, the mercenary leader... only to have it be a tiny little spark, which sputters out and pops right at the end of her nose. Wasea then gives a "bitch please" face before then proceeding to one-shot the volus with her own biotic charge.
      • Jack bets fifteen credits he doesn't get five feet.
      • Then there's Zaeed's line, which is just dripping with contempt:

  Zaeed: Sleep deluded jackass.

      • Thane's line is both funny and kind of sweet:

  Thane: Sleep well... and dream of bulbous women.

      • All Grunt can do in reaction is just shake his head at Shepard. Words failed him utterly.
      • And just how does Niftu Cal introduce himself? He stumbles until his head collides with Shepard's groin.
      • He is a great wind that will sweep all before him like a... a great wind!
    • Possibly my favorite reaction of that entire scene. When Nifu introduces himself and you have Legion in your party, Shepard looks to Legion. Legion shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head. 1,183 programs running in it and they all basically say "We are just as confused as you are".
  • The engineering section has a comment for every occasion, from acquiring members to ship upgrades, including this little gem after getting Jack on your team:

 Gabriella Daniels: "So, Kenneth, did you know we have a crazy woman squatting down in the sub-deck?"

Kenneth Donnelly: "What!? If she touches anything, I'll kill her!"

Gabriella Daniels: "Oh, and the only thing she wears from the waist up is tattoos."

Kenneth Donnelly: "Oh, maybe I should go down and welcome her aboard..."

Gabriella Daniels: "And she's a murderer. Has biotic powers that could crush you with a blink. Hates everyone in Cerberus."

Kenneth Donnelly: "Damnit girl, stop toying with me!"

    • How could you forget about.

 Ken: "So, Gabby, what do you think of our new quarian boss?"

Gabby: "Hush, she's right over there."

Ken: "Gah, she can't hear us with her head in that bucket... Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful bucket.. The whole suit is lovely, quite snug in all the right places..."

Tali: "You know I can hear you."

    • My personal favorite.

 Ken: "Gabby, you'd say that the Normandy is a she, not a he, right?"

Gabby: "Of course, the Normandy is the sweetest girl there is."

Ken: "And EDI's a she, Tali's definitely a she..."

Gabby: "What are you getting at, Kenneth?"

Ken: "I'm just saying I'm feeling a wee bit threatened here, a lot of female energy, and I'm just one man."

Gabby: "You're such a dick."

Ken: "See? Look where your mind went. I've got to watch out for myself."

    • And then there's this little exchange:

 Gabriella Daniels: "I hear Rupert's been cooking some decent food lately."

Kenneth Donnelly: "Eh. That scunner couldn't make a good haggis if his life depended on it."

Gabriella Daniels: "All haggis tastes like ass anyway."

Kenneth Donnelly: "Aye, but in the right hands it can taste like mighty fine ass."

    • And don't forget this:

 Gabriella Daniels: "The new armor reinforcements really threw off the gravimetric profiles. But engines are good to go. I rebalanced the Gillbourne coefficients and adjusted the anterior intakes on the second tier stabilizers."

Kenneth Donnelly: "I love it when you talk dirty."

    • Most of the exchanges in the cantina are hilarious. The one that follows later in the game goes:

 Crewman Hawthorne: "Rupert! There's something different with tonight's meal. Seems like you put in more food and less ass."

    • After Garrus's recruitment mission the following conversation takes place:

 Garrus: "Nobody would give me a mirror. How bad is it?"

Shepard: "Hell Garrus, you were always ugly. Just slap on some facepaint and you won't be able to tell the difference."

Garrus: (laughs) "Damn that hurts, my face is barely holding together as it is. It's just as well, everyone was always ignoring you and hitting on me. At least now this gives you a fair shot."

    • Alternatively (If Shepard is female):

 Garrus: Don't make me laugh, my face is barely holding together as it is. Some women find facial scars...attractive. Mind you, most of those women are krogan.

      • That seems to be the first sign that he's a romance, with the slow, cautious way he says it while focusing entirely on Shepard. Somehow, that just makes it even more hilarious - but then again, most of his dialogue in the romance is hilarious and adorable at the same time.
      • Also note that this is probably early enough in the game where Shepard still has some of his/her own scars from being stitched back together after a two-year case of the dead. By comparison, Garrus got off easy.
  • After you complete Miranda's loyalty quest, you get a message from her sister Oriana, which ends with these postscripts.

 PS. Don't tell her I sent you this. It would just make her angry.

PPS. Miranda, quit looking at Shepard's messages. Oh, don't act like you don't. It's what I'd do.

    • It gets even better in Lair of The Shadow Broker. On one of his terminals you can find recorded things on all of your crew members including a chat between Miranda and her sister about a boy Miranda's sister likes. Miranda occasionally drops some personal info on him to try to help her. By personal I mean everything from eye color to when he broke a bone. That's just creepy.
      • And when Oriana asks Miranda how to get the boy to notice her, Miranda delivers some heartfelt advice... straight from an agony aunt column.

  Oriana: We have the extranet here as well sis. God!

  • Grunt's recruitment, which overlaps with CMOA. It's a tense scene, with Grunt pinning Shepard by the neck and threatening to kill him/her, while Shepard is calmly reasoning with the krogan. Eventually, Grunt decides that Shepard is more useful alive and Shepard says "I'm glad you saw reason." Then the camera pans out to reveal the whole time Shepard had a gun pointed at Grunt's chest. Which Grunt has just figured out. "Huh?"

  Joker: Did you collect stray cats as a kid? Because we really needed a mega-krogan. Thanks for dragging him home.

  • And after you visit Tuchanka:

  Joker: You know, Commander, I'm not real broke up that Wrex isn't coming. I'm good with our current amount of headbutting. I'd say we're at headbutting capacity.

  • As the Normandy is escaping the explosion/wave of radiation that destroys the Collector Base:

 EDI: "Detonation in ten, nine, eight -"

Joker: "Yeah, I get the gist of it, EDI! Hold on!"

  • During Legion's loyalty quest when you've triggered the EM flux.

 Legion: Alert: EM flux will be hazardous to un-shielded organic forms. Addendum: The interior of this station is not shielded.

Shepard: I really wish you'd said that before.

  • "You what?! Councillor, do the words 'political shitstorm' mean anything to you?" ...The fact that it's Udina who says it - and the tone of voice he says it in - just makes it that much funnier.
  • The name of Admiral Koris's, a quarian captain, ship is the Qwib Qwib. While funny enough, it makes his full name Admiral Koris vas Qwib Qwib. He laments that he cannot change the ship's name to a respectable quarian name, like Iktomi or Defranzh. Take a moment and think about what his full name would be then.
    • As an added kick in the nuts, his environmental suit is pink.
    • Tali's introduction of the Admiral is even better

  Tali: This is Admiral Koris vas Qwib Qwib. (Quietly to the side) Don't ask about the name.

    • And when you DO ask about the name...

  Tali: (In a mortified tone) Ohhh, here we go...

    • Seems to double as a shout-out to Fred Saberhagen's Berserker stories. Or possibly a hint. Given that a qwib-qwib is (adjusting for universe equivalent terminology) an anti-Reaper Reaper...
    • For those who don't get the Iktomi or Defranzh jokes, Quarian naming conventions include the name of the ship on which that quarian is crew. So, for example, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy/Neema/whatever. Now sound the other two out in the same fashion.
  • Most of the NPC shoppers. Especially:

 Asari: Wait. Did you hack your translator so you could control your kinetic language processing?

Elcor: With a sincerity such that skepticism would be deeply insulting; no.

  • On the Citadel, the turian and asari couple looking at souvenirs. She suggests a model ship -- "Honey, I'm an engineer. I look at ships all day."
    • Shortly followed by: "The important thing is to embrace the time you have to spend with the fish!" "Is this the lifespan talk? I am not having the lifespan talk."
      • Then when he complains that she's ruined the Citadel for him, she says, in a happy, satisfied voice, "The fish it is!"
  • Joker and EDI. Most of their exchanges, but especially when they start getting along.

 Shepard: I notice you're calling EDI "her" and "she" now.

Joker: Huh. No. I didn't really notice that. EDI, should I have noticed that?

EDI: No, Jeff. It is not worth noting.

Joker: Well, there you go, Shepard. Looks like we haven't noticed anything.

Shepard: I think you're taking the human-machine interface a little far.

Joker: I'm just having a little fun with you, Commander. No need to go all "Unnatural!" on me.

EDI: What Jeff and I are exhibiting is more a platonic symbiosis than hormonally-induced courtship behavior.

Joker: Okay, yeah, that was a little creepy.

  • In the first game there was a turian shopkeeper continually fending off a human customer who wanted a refund. Upon your return to the Citadel you overhear a salarian and a human talking--a human that turns out to be the same one, still trying to get a refund or a replacement from the same turian. Two years later.
  • "Next thing you're gonna tell me is he's a quint and craps dark matter."
  • On Illium there's a "bachelor party" you can overhear, with an asari stripper paid to dance on the tabletop for a salarian who vainly tries to explain why his race's customs are somewhat different. He is slowly...convinced by the dancer's skills.
    • "We've been coworkers for five years. Aren't salarian years like dog years?" "Now that's offensive!" As well as, "It's called a belly button, humans and asari have them. You'll be doing shots out of it later." "That can't be sanitary." "NOT THE POINT, man!"
    • Especially hilarious considering that the salarians aren't supposed to have any biological sexual drive at all. Yet he still gets turned on...somehow.
      • Twice as hilarious when the trio realize that the asari looks different to each of them - basically, each sees her as a female of their own species, only blue. They don't seem certain whether they find that creepy or kinky.
      • Not quite. They seem to be concentrating on different factors of the dancer's anatomy; the salarian to her flexibility, the turian to her head-crest, etc. The mind-control comment is more like a lampshading than an actual fact. It doesn't help that they're all drunk, and as the bartender in the place demonstrates, a good drink seems to literally make people more attractive (another CMoF, by the way).
        • Which is funny considering I find the bartender more attractive without the drink's effects.
          • Same. Without a drink she just looks like a rather unattractive woman. After a drink or two she looks like a drag queen.
  • Recruiting Archangel is a bit of this with a ton of Crowning Moment of Awesome.

 Shepard: How did you manage to piss off every major merc organization in the Terminus Systems?

Archangel:: It wasn't easy... I really had to work at it.

  • When you first board the new Normandy, hang around the forward bridge next to Joker before you talk to him. If you wait long enough, epic lulz ensue.
    • In a similar vein, before they reconcile, some of his interaction with EDI are hilarious. This tropers favourite, which couples with a Shout-Out, has Joker turn in his chair to talk with Shepard. After a few lines, EDI takes control of the chair and spins it in random directions.
  • Shepard dancing. PERIOD. The guy can't dance at all!
    • Even better when he's in the Collector armor, including the creepy alien helmet with full faceplate.
    • Well, mainly male Shepard. Female Shepard is a better dancer.
      • ...YouKeepTellingYourselfThat.
  • When first talking to Illusive Man Shepard can ask about Cerberus, about why s/he was revived, about the threat they face. Or s/he can ask if being revived means his/her junk still works.

 Shepard: I noticed a few upgrades. I hope you didn't replace anything really important.

  • During Shepard's first conversation with Joker on the refurbished Normandy, Joker is waxing enthusiastic about the new luxuries like leather upholstery, lacking on the original, while expressing his dislike of his new A.I. copilot. One possible convo option:

 Shepard: Enjoy it, Joker. If we're stuck here, we might as well enjoy it.

Joker: Does it breach uniform regs if I get that on a crew shirt? Because this is my favorite "you have no choice" choice ever.

Shepard: Technically this is a civilian ship. I'm probably lucky you're still wearing pants.

    • Of course, the scene would have been infinitely funnier if you later showed up on the bridge to find Joker not wearing any pants.
  • Doing Mordin's loyalty mission.

 Garrus: Hospitals are no fun to fight in.

Shepard: Where IS fun to fight, Garrus?

Garrus: Gardens. Electronics shops. Antique stores, but only if they're classy.

    • Couples with Crowning Moment of Heartwarming when you realise that it was Shepard who asks what places are fun to fight in. This troper is fairly sure that Garrus is the only person Shepard will talk to during assignments that aren't that character's loyalty mission. That shows how much they know and trust each other, and that they have grown to be close friends.
  • To the asari suspected of being a geth infiltrator:

  Shepard: Look, little girl. When you want a problem shot, ask a turian. When you want a problem talked to death, ask an asari. When you want a new problem, ask a salarian. When you want a problem fixed, ask a human.

  • Fortack, the krogan scientist, when asked why he'd work with salarians even though they produced the genophage: "Why not? What's the worst thing they can do? It's not like they can make us any more infertile. (Beat) ...Um, wait. Forget I said that."
    • Might be Harsher in Hindsight when you find out from Mordin that the salarians actually did enhance the genophage to counter krogan adaptation to it - to maintain the level of infertility rather than to make them even more infertile, but that's not likely much of a distinction from a krogan perspective.
    • There's also this:

 Fortack: My predecessor said no one would understand the true worth of my work. As I pulled my blade from his chest, I knew he was telling the truth.

Shepard: Not exactly what I would call effective academic peer review.

  • When Shepard and Thane are talking to Captain Bailey about a boy who gave Thane's son a name to talk to about an assassination contract, Bailey mentions how the boy was making shoddy VIs to sell on the side.

 Bailey: Actually, he was selling one of you.

Shepard: Me?

Bailey: Yeah. When you erased a file, it would say "I delete data like you on the way to real errors."

Garrus/Tali (if he's/she's there): That's pretty...extreme, Commander.

Shepard: Laugh it up, Garrus/Tali.

Bailey: Buggy, though. It crashed every half-hour and the error message was about how the galaxy was at stake and you should fix the problem yourself.

    • A funny thing is that you can tell Mouse that you won't turn him in if he gives you one of those!
    • Or you can demand a cut of the profits.
  • During Mordin's loyalty quest Shepard can comment on the krogans experimenting on humans by saying that this is what made Cerberus look like the better option. If Miranda is in your squad she will chime in.

 "My report will mention that."

  • Meeting Wrex on Tuchanka, and telling him where you've been the last two years.

 Shepard: The Normandy was destroyed. I ended up spaced.

Wrex: Well, you look good. Ah, the benefits of a redundant nervous system, eh?

Shepard: Yeah, humans don't have those.

Wrex: Oh. That must have been very painful for you, then.

  • Through hacking, you can place party members recruited in the second half of the game (say, Legion) into your squad in the first half of the game. Oddly, they still have lines. When brought along to Purgatory to free Jack, after Renegade Shepard tells her "I'm offering to be your friend. You don't want to be my enemy," Legion has this absolute gem to say.
    • Legion is always a source of mission humor. For example, If Grunt is brought along on Legion's Loyalty Mission and Shepard mentions the ethics of treating aliens differently, Grunt asks if it would be an issue if he punched Legion. Legion replies that it would not be damaged but Grunt's hand may be.
      • During Samara's recruitment, if Shepard suggests not following the order to arrest the Justicar, Legion will note that they are ordered into deadly situations "an average of 2.73 instances per day. Rounding down."
        • In Rodam Expeditions, using the Renegade option to get a discount prompts the salesman to request a geth's head to make into a desk lamp. Legion notes that functionality is not in the geth's specifications.
  • A volus on the Citadel wastes absolutely no time in getting outraged over this poor choice of words.

 "You need to calm down and take a deep breath."

"You're mocking *deep breath* me!"

  • One of Mordin Solus' random lines when using his Incinerate power is particularly funny.

 Shepard: I'm sorry, I have trouble hearing you. I'm getting a lot of bullshit on this line.

    • And the look on the Illusive Man's face after you finish talking to him is just priceless.
  • During Jack's romance, one of the dialogue options telling her that you're going to stay with her even if she is really messed up has her ask Shepard "What are you, nuts?" His response: "I'm also technically undead, so do your worst."
  • After Shepherd explains to Tali that s/he isn't working for Cerberus, "they're working for [him/her]".

 Tali: So you ordered the listening devices and tracking beacons that are all over this ship?

  • The ending of the Hamlet advertisement on the Citadel. Due to the elcor saying what tone they're speaking in before saying the sentence, it results in this.

 "Insincere endorsement: You have not experienced Shakespeare until you have heard him in the voice of elcor."

 "Nine out of Ten Tupari drinkers recommend Tupari to their friends. The last one is ON MY LIST."

"Commander Shepard drinks Tupari! Don't you want to be like Commander Shepard? Commander Shepard is referenced under a license from Alliance Military Recruitment Services."

"I knew a man who went three days without a Tupari Sports drink. He got hit by a shuttle!"

"Tupari: Brings your ancestors back from the grave!

  • If you bring Grunt and Jacob into the plague zone this conversation occurs near the burning bodies.

 Jacob: They're burning the dead in the streets, must be trying to stop the plague spreading.

Grunt: Anyone else hungry?..... Just me?

Jacob: Gonna pretend I never heard that.

    • Also Grunt yelling at the plague as he starts coughing

 "I don't get sick."

    • If you bring Jack it's even better.

 Jack: ...And you guys think I'm nuts?

 Volus: I want something that says, I own this room. I own you.

    • The fact he's trying to hit on the asari, as well as trying to get asari-compatible reproductive upgrades, adds an extra level of hilarity.
    • And then she calls him a loser when it turns out he obviously can't afford what he was trying to buy.
  • The DNA hunt. Shepard doesn't find anything in the plant.

 Kasumi: It's a plant!

    • And you can accidentally set off the alarm clock in this "quiet"[2] quest.
    • And when you try to find DNA from the couch.

 Shepard: Aha!

Kasumi: Found DNA?

Shepard: No, a credit chit. *gets 1 credit* (And that credit is in your rewards, too!)

  • Kasumi on Grunt's recruitment quest, if you meet Rana Thanoptis, she comments, "She seems nice... in a mad scientist ethics-for-sale kind of way."
    • It seems to be a Baldur's Gate Shout-Out, reminiscent of Jaheira's classic retort to Xzar: "You are amusing, in a 'what the hell is wrong with you' kind of way."
  • Shepard's reaction to Grunt's character development is rather classic especially the bit where Grunt finds a field of corpses funny.

 Shepard: Yeah, I don't think I'll be coming down here anymore.

  • Thane's loyalty mission, during the interrogation of Elias Kelham after he has been knocked out:

 Shepard: For as feared as he is I thought he'd last longer.

Thane: Shepard, he's just a common criminal. You killed a Reaper.

  • A quarian in the bar on Illium discusses her suit's built-in "nerve-stimulation program" with her turian platonic male friend. She's about to fire it up -- in public -- when she catches Shepard eavesdropping.

 Quarian: Excuse me, human. Private con-ver-say-she-on?

  • Kasumi's comments to Shepard if he had sex with Miranda.

 Shepard. The engine room? Down where Tali works?

  • The first conversation with Joker and EDI can produce this gem.

 Joker: Commander, can we shut this thing off?

Shepard: If you don't want to hear it, turn the damn sound off.

Joker: That doesn't change anything, it's still watching. Like some creepy kid staring at the back of your head in comp sci, and you just want to punch him, but you can't, 'cause he's special, and he sets fires or something. Okay a little too far there, but you know what I mean.

Shepard: Your problem, not mine.

Joker: Thanks, I'll remember this.

  • During Mordin's loyalty mission:

 Mordin: Have killed many people, many ways, guns, knives, drugs, tech attacks, once with farming equipment but never with medicine!

This troper can't help but think of this clip at the mention of farming equipment ever since he saw a picture of Mordin doing something similar on deviantART.

    • In Lair of the Shadow Broker, you learn the story, and it's a Crowning Moment of Awesome, involving a few funny moments as well, such as Mordin's opinion that Captain Kirrahe has an obstruction in his cloaca, and his further opinion that the obstruction is Kirrahe's cranium.
  • On the Citadel when Avina mentions that the geth were behind the attack, Kasumi will deliver this:

 Kasumi: They're really selling the "geth did it" message. I bet you can't even say "Reapers" without inciting a panic. "Reapers!"

  • On discovering the nature of Grunt's illness:

 Garrus: So this is adolescence? Can't we just take him to Omega and buy him a few dances?

    • Thane says "Fascinating" is possibly the most bored sounding voice ever heard by sentient life.
  • Taking Kasumi through the C-Sec tunnel before Shepard regains his/her Spectre status:

 Kasumi: *buzzer goes off* I swear I didn't touch anything!

  • The human and turian in Rodam arguing about what weapon to buy with the turian constantly talking about the shotgun.
    • Hell, the vendor in Rodam's ridiculous over-enthusiasm, what with hiding behind his desk and holding an imaginary gun like a ten year old playing soldiers.
  • Renegade Shepard tricking the stock boy during Thane's loyalty mission.
    • "Ha ha ha ha ha, I can't believe that actually worked."
  • During the Overlord DLC, if you attack a cow on the planet with the Hammerhead, the vehicle notes something that is quite obvious.

 Hammerhead: Analysis: Defenseless herbivores are no match for guided missiles.

 Mordin: Repurposed krogan hospital. Sturdy. Built to withstand punishment.

Kasumi: You sound like you know the place.

Mordin: Hmm. Good site for genophage drops. Efficient dispersal through clan population.

Kasumi: Are you always thinking about stuff like this?

Mordin: Not always. Sometimes I fall asleep.

  • Another gem from Mordin:

 Shepard: Do you ever pause for breath?

Mordin: Sorry. I' No,nonono.Can'tdoit.

  • Another gem from the Overlord DLC comes when you get to the end of Vulcan station. You find a lone VI-controlled LOKI mech trying to break the override control. It spots you and, at first, holds up its hands like it's trying to surrender. Shepard motions with his/her hand and your squadmates shoot off its left arm. The mech looks at it, then raises the pistol in its other hand only for that arm to get blown off as well, prompting the VI to stop controlling it. The dazed mech will glance around, then run off. Gets funnier when you notice it hasn't left the room you're in and it stands next to Shepard who takes out his/her pistol. Then a Renegade interrupt prompt appears. One guess as to what the interrupt is.
    • Not taking said Renegade interrupt is even more hilarious, since that results in one of your buddies doing it, startling Shepard, and responding to his/her accusing look with a shrug.
  • More Overlord DLC humor in the form of 'research logs' on the Prometheus station, where a deadpan Cerebus Researcher comments about one Lanigan's antics about scaring the other researchers with the possibility of the geth reviving. Of course, the VI takes over their station and infects every machine in the place...:

 Cerebus Researcher: Lanigan just ran a simulation--if these geth ever wake up, there's a 98% chance we'll be dead in two minutes. I'm starting to hate Lanigan.

    • The log after that:

 Cerebus Researcher: Halloween was yesterday. Lanigan ran around wearing spare geth parts. Spooked the shit out of everyone. Now I definitely hate him.

  • Overlord is full of dark humor. Such as the Interface Screw with the door lock icons. You approach one door with a red icon, and the "Bypass Door" tooltip. The door opens automatically when you approach. Another set of doors are next to each other. Try to open the green door, and the red one next to it opens instead. Finally, one last door, when you try to open it, instead has the icon slowly slide along the wall to another door before opening that one.
  • This gem after the Krogan Shaman has explained the intense regimen he needs to stick to to be a Shaman.

 Grunt: Your job sucks.

Shaman: Indeed.

  • If you tell Mordin that you're "not interested" in Miranda when he gives you the birds and the bees talk nets you this gem:

 Mordin: So sorry. Small ship, word travels fast. Mutations of information. Hope rumors of Joker and EDI similarly false.

 Liara: Go go go go go go!

Shepard: I'm going!

 Shepard: What kind of guns does this thing have?

Liara: It's a taxi! It has a fare meter!

Shepard: Wonderful.

 Liara: Truck!

Shepard: I know.

Liara: TRUCK!

Shepard: I know!

(dodges the truck)

Liara: Yaaah!

Shepard: There we go!

Liara: You're enjoying this.

    • Then, moments later:

 Liara: Truck!

Shepard: Again?

 Liara: A head-on collision at this speed...

Shepard: Yeah, I hear those can be bad for you.

 Liara: Traffic! Oncoming traffic!

Shepard: (unfazed) We'll be fine!

    • After taking a couple of collisions:

 Liara: Oof!

Shepard: You okay?

Liara: Still better than the Mako.

    • And right before the car chase, as Shepard walks up to the car, "I'm fine, by the way, thanks for asking." (This after falling a story or two while wrestling with an asari)
      • Later, a Paragon interrupt reveals he's actually quite put out by that.
    • When Shepard asks about the Azure hotel:

 Shepard: (looking at a giant screen with asari dancers) What kind of hotel is this?

Liara: Azure. It's a luxury resort with an... "exotic" edge. "Azure" is slang for a part of the asari body in some areas of Illium.

Shepard: Where?

Liara: In the lower reaches, near the bottom.

Shepard: I meant where on the asari body.

Liara: So did I.

    • And, later, while infiltrating the Shadow Broker's base:

 Liara: Careful! Those capacitors discharge built up lightning.

Shepard: Thanks for the tip.

 Liara: This ship is incredible! It must've taken decades to build in secret.

Shepard: (sarcastically) I wonder what happened to the contractors?

Liara: I think we can guess.

 Liara: Navigating this storm is brutal. If the engines stop for even a moment... at least the Shadow Broker would go down with us.

Shepard: That's comforting.

 Shepard: Not even a guard rail. I bet the Broker's agents love patrolling the hull.

Liara: At least the view is nice.

 Liara: The drones are disorganized. They'd be much more effective if they worked together.

Shepard: Please don't give the mercs ideas.

 Liara: This next wave looks like a big one.

Shepard: You just had to give them tactical advice!

Liara: But now there'll be fewer to deal with inside.

Shepard: Keep dreaming, T'Soni.

 Liara: (inside the base) More of them? How many guards does the Shadow Broker have?

Shepard: I told you.

 Shepard: Remember the old days when you could just slap omnigel on everything?

Liara: That security upgrade made a lot of people unhappy.

 Shepard: (On the override gizmo for the door) How long is this going to take?

Liara: (sigh) I don't know, Shepard. I've never broken into the Shadow Broker's base before. Well, not this one anyway.

A few dead agents later...

Shepard: Are you sure that shunt is working?!

Liara: It's illegal even on Ilium. It didn't come with a warranty.

Shepard: But you tested it, right?

Liara: Here come more of them!

Shepard: Right? Liara?

Liara: No time to talk!

    • Also, some of the Shadow Broker security feeds. The best ones are Elias Kelham's 'solution' to the Joram Talid problem. And our favorite reporter interviewing a krogan...with predictable results. WHAM.
      • Later on, our favorite reporter gets her ass kicked by a volus. Then again, that volus was a vicious, shin punching bastard.
    • The Dossiers are full of these:
      • Kasumi's Love Haiku about Jacob.
      • Legion's gaming statistics. Some CMOHs in those as well (bought the charity edition of the Eden Prime Geth Attack game... and never played it. Donation level: "ULTRA PLATINUM."
        • Legion's games include "N7 Code of Honor: Medal of Duty", Galaxy of Fantasy, Grim Terminus Alliance and his info on this one is win: Fleet and Flotilla: Interactive Cross-Species Relationship Simulator: "Based on the Bestselling Vid!". Playtime: 75 hours, 6 minutes. Player Score: 15 (Hopeless)"
          • Legion has 4 infractions in Galaxy Of Fantasy. Three of them are insane feats that the game admins considered to be impossible, though Legion somehow got them overturned, but the fourth was a suspension for unsportsmanlike conduct (taunting players). He did not file a dispute.
          • Also, his gamer handle - "Infiltrait0rN7".
      • And we finally learn the story of Mordin and that farming equipment. Also, the Illusive Man's recent sexual history.
        • And apparently the only person he's bedded twice recently was an asari matriatch. So much for his Humanity Is Superior stance.
          • Although, given some of the antics that happen in Real Life, he might still be maintaining human dominance.
          • Consider this next time that he tells you that humanity always comes first.
        • Hell, the entire summary of Mordin's mission with Kirrahe is hilarious. The farming equipment story is the icing on the cake. Noodle Incident no more!

 21:41 - Mission Specialist Solus suggests change to plan; when informed that plan will not be changing unless parameters shift, Specialist Solus suggests Commander Kirrahe has foreign object in cloaca.

21:43 - Operative Rentola detects incoming Weyrloc scouts.

21:47 - Scouts neutralized. Rentola treated for minor injuries. After assisting, Specialist Solus asks if failure to land undetected constitutes parameter shift. Commander Kirrahe suggests operation may proceed as planned. Specialist Solus suggests cloacal obstruction is in fact Kirrahe's cranium.


23:12 - Distraction team breaks radio silence, informs primary team that Weyrloc group returning. Specialist Solus asks whether this constitutes parameter shift. Commander Kirrahe suggests that Specialist Solus is in fact a walking cloaca, restates importance of holding the line.

23:13 - Weyrloc team arrives at agricenter and initiates close-quarters combat. Operatives Jirin and Chorel killed. Specialist Maelon and Operatives Hishau and Shenok seriously injured. Weyrloc team killed in entirety. Last member prevented from broadcasting alarm due to Specialist Solus stabbing Weyrloc guard through eye with pitchfork, sustaining injuries to face and right cranial horn in process.

23:16 - Distraction team arrives to provide relief. Commander Kirrahe notes parameter shift, suggests Rentola take injured members back to ship while he and remainder of team attempt to hit secondary drop point. Despite injuries to face and head, Specialist Solus refuses to return to ship, noting need for soil and water analysis at secondary site. Kirrahe suggests Solus is one tough cloaca.

      • Tali's hesitation on whether or not to get the... nerve stimulation progam. And after installing it and uninstalling it several times, she finally settles down. After installing the pro edition of the program.
      • We find out that Grunt downloads porn. Specifically, asari porn. Well, he is a teenager...
      • What, no mention of the fact that Grunt reads Hemingway? And has bought a Krogan Battlemaster Action Figure "with real smash your enemies actions"?
      • After Grunt read The Old Man and the Sea all the way through, he then searched for "sharks". Suggesting that he didn't know what a shark was while he read it.
      • Garrus liked killing criminals in ironic ways.

 Har Urek (saboteur) - Suffocation (environmental suit malfunction)

Gus Williams (weapons smuggler) - Headshot (smuggled weapon)

Thralog Mirki'it (red sand dealer) - Chemical overdose (red sand, direct contact with all four eyes)

Zel'Aenik nar Helash (viral specialist, serial killer) - Cough

      • Thane's preferred assassination techniques when it comes to krogan.

  Top approach, double-strike to eye ridge, slide down between blinded target's rising arms, precision nerve strike to throat, secondary nerve strike to counter blood rage, quad-kick to bend target, grip each side of skull, running leaping spinning neck-snap. Alternate: Bomb.

      • Jack got banned from both an internet forum and online poker for her actions. She also writes dark poetry.
      • Jacob's choice of videos while doing 300 crunches. One of them is implied to be asari porn. This Troper is wondering, whether this is a shout out to American Psycho.
        • The other ones are Blasto the Hanar action movies and Old Yeller.
        • In fact, Jacob and Grunt both downloaded the same porn (Asari Confessions 26: True Blue). Asari really do appeal to everyone!
        • Because most of Grunt's movies are the same as other characters (he also watched Vaena, like Garrus), I interpreted it as Grunt watching a movie that Jacob suggested. I leave the implications of that to you.
    • Miranda's correspondences with various men on "iPartner Connections". Some of them are extremely brief:

 Heeeeey baby! How's about a pic? Let's get this-


      • Which really puts that load screen about how "there are no decent galactic dating services" into perspective.
  • The timing and Wrex's matter-of-fact acceptance that Warlord Okeer is dead is great:

 Wrex: Okeer's an old name. A very hated name.

Grunt: He is dead.

Wrex: *without missing a beat* Of course. You're with Shepard. How could he be alive?

  • On discussing your relationship with Liara:

 Liara: It's been two years, I don't want to put pressure on you.

Shepard: I have fond memories of the last time you put pressure on me.

    • Another great one from Lair of the Shadow Broker. If you are romancing Liara, when she comes up to the captain's quarters she will mention that she ran into Joker. And then she says this.

 Liara: Though he did ask me if you and I would be acting out scenes from some vid called Vaenia.

Shepard: (Embarrassed) Of course he did.

    • Alternatively:

 Liara: Although, he did ask me to record any parts of conversation where "[my] eyes did that 'freaky black eternity' thing".

Shepard: (Embarrassed) Of course he did.

 Liara: Although, he did ask me if I had 'embraced eternity' lately.

Shepard: (Embarrassed) Of course he did.

    • And even though the context is a bit of a Tear Jerker, if you've romanced Garrus and were with Liara in the first game she delivers this line if you use a Paragon interrupt to confront her about your relationship:
      • The general reaction from players to this line tends to be either hilarious laughter or Spit Takes.
  • If you meet and save the salarian workers on Thane's recruitment mission, you later get this email.

 Liara T'Soni gave me your contact information. I was one of the cleaning crew in the Dantius Towers. You helped me get out of there. According to T'Soni, you also found Thane. He took down some of the Eclipse mercs trying to gun us down, and I wondered if you could pass along my thanks.

The way he moved... one was dead before they even knew he was there. He snapped another's neck, then shot a third, all in the space of a few heartbeats. It was incredible. He moved like a dancer, grace and power in constant motion.

Seeing him changed my life, woke up something in me I don't fully understand yet. I don't know what I'm going to do, but salarian lives are too short to waste as custodians, especially when there's so much else out there. I'm going to find something that lets me capture what I saw in him, that beauty, that aesthetic perfection.

I'm also going to buy some nice clothes.

So if you could tell him that... or just whatever parts of that you think appropriate... I'd appreciate it.

  • You can challenge a krogan in Samara's loyalty mission, then have a staredown until he backs down.
    • The first part of Samara's loyalty mission is full of moments like this. The optimal goal is to be a massive douchebag. If you've been playing a straight Paragon, it really gives you a chance to let loose. The aforementioned krogan stare-down, beating up a turian off-screen and flinging him across the room? Good times.

 Shepard: I'll dance next to you. If you want to think we're dancing, go ahead.

Asari Dancer: I do wanna think that!

  • Kal'Reegar's delivery upon meeting Legion in Haestrom is hilarious.
      • "You know, ordinarily that wouldn't fly with me, but I can't afford to be picky right now!"
    • Similarly, bringing Legion with you to recruit Tali gives us this this gem: Tali: "Shepard, it's good to see you agai-" (turns around and sees Legion. Gasps and draws her gun.) "Geth! Get down!" A Paragon interrupt prompt appears. If ignored, Tali will start firing, prompting Legion to take cover. Legion: "Allied fire! Taking cover! Requesting assistance, Shepard-Commander!"
  • Kelly's reaction to Shepard's All Girls Want Bad Boys comment.

  Kelly: That is a dirty stereotype. In my case it happens to be true, but still.

  • Your first conversation with Mordin as a party member involves stating to him it must have been frustrating to work with such limited facilities on Omega. He immediately tells you that he loved it. It was a wonderful challenge - few resources, many patients, a lot of hostiles, he couldn't have asked for more. Then he seems to realize what he's saying, and backpedals a bit.

  "Also enjoyed saving people, of course. Helping the helpless, greater good. All that, too."

    • In the same conversation he mentions how Kirrahe's a good captain, but a bit of a cloaca, loved Heroic Sacrifice-ish speeches, which Mordin doesn't understand. He dismisses this as bravado, jargon, chest-pounding - then pauses, apparently realizes who he's talking to, and says "No offense."
  • A bit of cut content shows that the groundskeeper turian had a few lines that didn't make it into the final game. Pity, because they're great lines.

 "I think they distill it from raw antimatter. Antimatter alcohol."

"'Scuse me for askin', but - you're a female, right? You got those funny bumps, like an asari."

  • From Thane's recruitment mission, one rescued salarian gives a piece of advice:

  "... and tell your assassin to aim for her head... <beat> ...cause she doesn't have a heart!"

  • If you don't kill the Thresher Maw during Grunt's loyalty mission, EDI's dialog regarding the breeding requests changes.

 EDI: "There are several breeding requests for Grunt. And one protest."

Grunt: "Book the protester! And her sister if she has one!"

  • This troper finds a lot of Zaeed's dialogue is funny.

 Zaeed: (on the Geth Colossus) Did I mention demolitions cost extra?

Kaidan/Ashley: (to Sheperd) Now I hear you're working with Cerberus.

Zaeed: Course you do. Its the worst kept secret in the galaxy.

Zaeed: (on Niftu Cal) Want me to kneecap this guy so he doesn't follow us around?

    • His exchange with Tali when you confront Kor Tun:

 Tali: My head says forget it. But my heart wants to jack this asshole's olfactory filters so everything smells of refuse.

Zaeed: A rifle butt to the head would be faster.

  • Even though the ending of Arrival is pretty serious, what with destroying an entire system and everything, Admiral Hackett delivers a line that never fails to make me laugh:

 Hackett: All I know is I sent you to break Amanda Kenson out of prison, and now an entire system's been destroyed. I hope you could fill in the logic between those two events.

    • It's even better if you remember that the whole thing was supposed to be a stealth mission. Oops.
  • If you walk into the opposite-sex bathroom on the Normandy:

 EDI (to, for sake of example, a Mr. Shepard): Shepard, the men's restroom is on the port side of the ship.

  • The dancing turian on Thane's loyalty quest. Set to "What is Love".
  • During Jack's introductory scene, if you have Grunt with you all he says when he sees Jack tear through the guards and the walls is "Jack is small, this will be funny" and later "Oh, I want to see this!" and "Move! I want to see how long she'll last" and "She's blowing everything up. I like her!" when pursuing her. It's his kid-in-a-candy-store tone that seals the deal on the funny.
  • When walking into Afterlife, you can confront of group of Batarians lounging in the tunnel. The renegade option has a funny little moment when one of the Batarins tries giving Shepard the throat slice gesture. Shepard promptly points His/Her gun at him...and he runs like a wuss.
  • This exchange during Dossier: The Professor mission:

 Refugee: Wait, you're stopping me [from entering the plague zone] but not them? You son of a bitch!

District Guard: You don't have a grenade launcher, lady.

    • And, just before that:

 Shepard: Take a good long look at me. Do I look like a looter?

District Guard: Uh... No?

  • Maybe it's just me, but I couldn't stop laughing in the final boss fight with the human reaper. It just kept leaning and ducking like a baby playing peek-a-boo.
    • Which, considering it was still technically a fetus, could count as Fridge Brilliance and Horror at the same time...
    • Serious YMMV on that, this troper found the peek-a-booing to absolutely terrifying. The ONLY other thing to scare him was discovering the end fate of those captured by the Collectors.
  • Kasumi is a massive optimist. Take her along on the derelict Reaper mission:

 Trapped inside a Reaper. Could be worse. Don't know how, but... I guess it could be full of rats.

    • Shepard gets one later in the mission, as you and your squadmates come across a chasm full of the "Dragon's Teeth" spikes that effectively turn their victims into Cyborg-Zombies. Your squadmates both note how this confirms them as Reaper-tech and marvels at the technology involved, before soberly remembering just what these things do...

 Shepard: How about we all take a step back from the weird alien impaling devices?

    • Shepard also gives an awesome deadpan snark at Joker at the beginning of the mission:

 Shepard: Be ready to pick us up. Being crushed in the heart of a brown dwarf is not on today's agenda.

  • You are at crotch height on a Geth Prime. If you are feeling really crazy (or have powers that let you slow down time/lock down AIs), you can beat the Geth Prime to death by repeatedly punching it in the groin. As demonstrated here.
  • Before you recruit Archangel, you can hear the news talking about the attack on his fortress, and musing on the man himself.

 News Caster: Who is he? Where did he come from? Who gives a shit? He'll be dead soon anyway.

  • Blowing up Donovan Hock's gunship right after he says "Do what you like to this gunship." Well, Hock, you asked.
  • In a sidequest, you can come across an audio log from a recently-fired miner, stating that he's leaving the planet to help "take out some dumbass vigilante on Omega." Ask him how well that went... It's even funnier if Garrus happens to be in your party at the time.
    • Sadly, Garrus does not say anything about it.
  • From a meta-perspective, the enormous neon "wanted" advert for Jack visible at 1:01--especially since you can waltz all around Illium with her....then again, you can get a geth past customs.
  • YMMV greatly, but this tropette found this scene to be horribly funny. It's unclear whether it's the tone of voice or the body language (or both) that really sells it.
  • One of the Shadow Broker grunts once crashed This Troper's game with a flashbang. Smartest AI I've ever seen in a game.
  • The first conversation you have with Joker aboard the new Normandy:

 Joker: We're staying though, right? I mean, this seat has real leather!

Shepard: Glad you're keeping it all in perspective Joker.

Joker: Uh, leather!

  • Samara can be spoken to around the varren pit fighting ring on Tuchanka. She comments on the barbarity.

 Samara: If I survive your mission, I may return here and instruct the krogan on compassion. I will need many bullets.

  • When discussing with Miranda about waking up Grunt, Renegade!Shepard refers to him as a paperweight. The kicker is the Commander's plan if the Krogan gets dangerous:

 Shepard: EDI, how quickly can the cargo hold be vented to space if there is an issue?

EDI: Twenty eight seconds, Shepard.

Miranda: And if anyone else is in the hold at the time?

Shepard: How many other crew are onboard the Normandy?

EDI: Twenty-four permanent crew, Shepard.

    • Admiral Gerrel's story of service with Tali's father.

  Han'Gerrel: Our ship was under orders to hold position, but Rael looked at me and said, "We're underage. They can't charge us for breaking formation." He took the helm, I took weapons, and we brought that freighter back. The crew called us heroes. The brass called us idiots. They slapped medals on our suits then kicked us off to Pilgrimage a bit earlier than usual. That's Rael for you.

    • After Tali's trial, Shepard can tell the Quarians not to go to war. When the reply is an empty promise it will be considered s\he steps back from the podium, head shaking, arms waving, Shepard's body language screaming "why do I even bother?"
      • Also after Tali's trial, you can head up and get Joker's input on the situation. He mentions that "Some of those Quarians... I guess living aboard a ship your whole life can really mess with your priorities? Not that I would know... ah, I just burned myself. Great."
  • Jack's thoughts on Legion.

  Why not take him with us? Prop him us as a lamp. I ain't carrying shit though.

  • When you ask Miranda how mad her father was the she left, her answer makes me laugh: "Shots were fired." It's the matter-of-fact tone that sells it.
  • The way Thane kills Nassana Dantius is simply hilarious to behold. As Nassana is still drawing her last breath Thane hugs her, lays her down oh so gently, and then just as gently lays her hands on her chest.
  • Another overheard conversation, this time at the Zakera Cafe on the Citadel, where the customer wants to buy something to impress his date, and the clerk is unimpressed with his lack of understanding.

 Shopkeeper: You don't mix your spice chiralities. What cooking school did you say you went to?

Customer: I don't go to cooking school, I just want something tasty to put on a steak.

Shopkeeper: Why don't you go to Fishdog Food Factory on level 23? Ask for the Tummy-Tingling Tuchanka Sauce.

Customer: Please, you gotta help me. I need to make something nice, it's for a date!

Shopkeeper: Fine. Asari honey marinade. Made at an Ardat-Yakshi monastery by sad, tortured blue souls. Too sweet for a real connoisseur, but anyone willing to date you will probably be impressed.

Customer: Hey, thanks!

  • For sheer incongruity, the most polite and well-spoken krogan in the universe, who pleasantly greets you when you leave the Normandy after reporting the cheating shipping agent to Mr. Thax.

Mass Effect 3

  • "I've had enough of your tabloid journalism." [SHEPARD PAWNCH!] Players get their Third Round with our favorite reporter. We (as expected) get the option of once more punching her, except this time she dodges the punch, and after doing a battle pose, tries to hit back. Shepard's response? . Headbutt her. Krogan style. Enjoy.

 Al-Jilani: Hah! You want some?!?


    • Unfortunately, if Shepard doesn't counterattack in time, Shepard gets knocked out and the reporter decides that riling up Shepard is not worth her time.
      • Unfortunately? After spending two games being Shepard's personal Chew Toy, that was freakin hilarious.
      • When she starts up Shepard's look tells the whole story, like s\he is trying to keep from laughing, or dropping the dreaded F bomb.
  • ran out of pre-orders for the Collector's version of the game. Their message? "Due to high demand (and possibly the imminent Reaper invasion), we have unfortunately run out of our pre-order allocation for Mass Effect 3 - Collector's Edition."
  • The single-player demo ends with a rather amusing scenario in which the female krogan you rescue from a group of Cerberus troops yanks a shotgun out of Wrex's hands to blow away a pair of stray troops with one shot each, before shoving the gun back at Wrex. Wrex just shakes his head and mutters, "Women."
    • Made even more hilarious if you're playing as FemShep, seeing as how Shepard is standing right behind him. Silently smirking.
    • Added to back on the Normandy.

 Wrex: Our females don't lack for spirit. For males, a good show of force sorts things out. (sounding genuinely confused) But females like about it. Then think about it. Then talk about it some more. No offense.

Shep: Believe it or not, we sometimes have good ideas, Wrex. You should try listening.

Wrex: Yeah, but our women have SO many of them. So sometimes I pretend to listen and, well, let's just say krogan females have tempers too.

  • While on-route to the salarian homeworld to retrieve "Eve", a fertile krogan female, Wrex gets a bit antsy. Shepard and Liara assure him they'll retrieve her safetly and he expresses his gratitude.

 Wrex: I appreciate that, Liara. I wouldn't want anyone else along for the ride.

Garrus: (Cough)

Wrex: I suppose I could make room for you too, Garrus. (Chuckles)

Garrus: Figured you'd gone soft sitting on your throne, forgot how to hold a gun.

  • Another gem can be found if Garrus is in your party and you speak with Wrex right after landing.

 Wrex: Damn it, out of all of the turians out there I had to make friends with one who thinks he's funny.

Garrus: Well how do you think I feel? I'm supposed to hate you but instead you warmed my heart with your winning personality.

Wrex: I could throw a few salarians off a cliff it it'll make you feel better.

  • And then there's this. Garrus and Wrex are as much bros to each other as they are to Shepard.

 Wrex: Now we can get back to doing what Krogan do best...saving everyone else from giant monsters.

Garrus:Never going to let us forget the Rachni Wars are you?

Wrex: Last time I was at the Citadel, I didn't see a Turian statue in your honor. (Chuckles)

Garrus: Just wait till this war is over.

  • Later, the team meets up with Captain Kirrahe, who pulls out a pistol that shoots sticky grenades, causing Cerberus troops to explode. Garrus has a certain gleam in his eyes.

  Garrus: How do I not have one of those?

  • The ever-astute Mordin gives us this observation: "Affinity for destruction intact, Shepard."
  • Upon arrival to Sur'kesh, Shepard is refused landing. Wrex decides to perform a "krogan airdrop" and leaps from the shuttle. Held up against salarian security, he throws them away with a biotic blast but is then targeted by snipers from afar. If the renegade option is chosen, this golden moment is engaged:

 Shepard: Does salarian hospitality always come with sharpshooters? This is an insult to the alliance!

Salarian: Please understand, no matter what some politician might say, krogan are still considered a hostile race.

Wrex: I wonder why.

  • The gang's reaction to the yahg prisoners on Sur'Kesh, especially Liara and Garrus.

 Shepard: There goes the next Shadow Broker.

Garrus: Could've sworn he was muttering "T'Soni!" the whole time.

Liara: Not funny!

  • This time, the Game Stop commercial consists of a Charge Into Combat Cut with an In a World speech. Then Shepard yells at Garrus to stop with the cheesy narrating and get back to shooting. The way he's speaking, it sounds like he's jealous of Shepard's weapon.
  • Remember Blasto, who started as a forum injoke, who recieved a small cameo in the second game? He got his own radio drama, which is 10 minutes of absolute hilarity.

 Bubin: Badassfully: This radio drama comes... highly recommended.

Blasto: This one agrees and poses multiple tentacles aimed upwards in an agreeable manner.

    • Just the the concept behind Blasto 6 elicits much laughter. Imagine a typical buddy cop movie and the cliches attached to them: the Cowboy Cop partnered with the By-The-Book Cop, the latter cop has a sister attracted to the former cop, the villain who uses Screw the Rules, I Have Connections to his advantage, and the perpetually worried police chief chastising the two cops when things go awry. Alone, it's boring and uninspired. Mix those archetypes with two elcor, a hanar, a volus and a vorcha, and the races' respective speaking styles, and it's gutbustingly funny (the elcor cop starting every single line with "badassfully" being the highlight). Imagining the entire ordeal makes the scenario even more insane.
      • What this troper finds hilarious is that they've produced 5 more Blasto movies between Mass Effect 2 and Mass Effect 3, that's a Blasto movie per month!
    • One of the sequences is a hilarious Shout-Out to Lethal Weapon 1 and 2.

  Bubin: Badassfully: Dammit. You big stupid jellyfish. I'm just from retirement.

    • Blasto sleeps with Bubin's sister. Complete with squeaking sounds.

 Bubin's sister: Coquettishly: That's right, baby. Tell me your soul name.

 Bubin: Badassfully: What the hell is going on here? Are you sleeping with my sister?

Blasto: Slumber would be difficult due to the energetic nature of our copulation.

    • "Are you engaging in reproductive behavior with this one?"
    • "Bottom line: you can't touch the vorcha! **gasp** They've got diplomatic immunity!"
      • "Then this one will not attempt diplomacy."
    • "Does the criminal scum consider itself fortunate?"
    • This sequence:

 Vorcha: Ha ha! Kill you now!

(two gunshots)

Blasto: Spawn of questionable parentage. The Vorcha. Get to cover.

Bubin: (weakly) Badassfully: Dammit. Blasto. They got me. They got me bad.

Blasto: No, Bubin. You are too aesthetically displeasing to die.

Bubin: Badassfully: Promise me you'll...get...the...Vorcha...

Blasto: They have already perished, though they are currently unaware of it.

Bubin: Badassfully: the book...Promise me you'll do

Blasto: This one cannot accede to this request.

Bubin: (death rattle) B-Badassfully: Promise me...(death rattle)...Dammit...(death rattle)...Promise...(death rattle)

Bubin's translator: Translator error: obstruction in airway.

Blasto: (almost monotone) Noooooooooooo...

 Shepard: You know, is it time to test the fire alarm? I think it is!

Ashley: I'll pay you a million credits not to do that, sir/ma'am.

Shepard: Two million credits, and we have a deal.

Ashley: You're a damn space pirate.

Shepard: I could order Joker to sing to you over the comm.

Ashley: I hate you.

Shepard: "I hate you..."

Ashley: Sir/Ma'am.

Shepard: As you were, Williams.

    • Here is the female Shepard version. Femshep's sing-songy voice is pure comedic gold.
    • And considering she got the booze from Vega, it's entirely possible that it's because she downed, in its entirety, a large bottle of mescal.

 Ashley: Ah! Sir... your voice, sir? Not... so loud, pleasethankyou.

    • At least she can outdrink Shepard. After three drinks the screen blacks out and Shepard wakes up next to Aria, who gives a look of pity that s\he can't handle alcohol.
      • Ah, but three drinks of we don't know what. For all we know, that glass was filled with food-colored ryncol.
  • In Mass Effect 2, Mordin mentions all the Cerberus crew possessing cyanide capsules in false teeth. He remarks that he prefers optical nerve flashbangs, as they are much more effective. Come Mass Effect 3, and one of Liara's Shadow Broker reports details an Alliance interrogation session of a captured Cerberus agent, who promptly blows up her own face with optical nerve flashbangs. Looks like TIM was paying attention to those listening devices!
  • One of the disputes you can resolve on the Citadel for Reputation points is between a sales clerk and the Refund Guy. You can convince the sales clerk to give the poor man a full refund. The whole fifteen credits.
    • Almost crosses into Heartwarming territory, since the Refund Guy just sounds so grateful to finally get the creds back... of course, he'd been fighting for them for ~3 years by this point, so it's understandable.
    • Or, if you don't let him get his refund, the clerk says what it is that he's been trying to get refunded for all this time: a toaster oven.
  • "Garrus headed to the main battery. He said something about calibrations."
    • Shepard's response? "Yeah, that sounds like Garrus."
      • Joker also gets in a dig, commenting to Shepard how glad he is that Garrus is back on board to shoot things for them. "We might need something calibrated!"
      • Even Garrus gets in on it, when he says, "Believe it or not, these guns still need calibrating."
  • Javik's Fish Out of Temporal Water opinions on the other races.

 Javik: Amusing. Asari have finally mastered writing.

Liara: ...I'm sorry?

    • His comment on salarians from the same conversation:

 Javik: (with utter disbelief) They used to eat flies.

(Later) Javik: They used to lick their eyes.

    • And the nod to the Fan Nickname that was being used to refer to him back when there were crazy rumours about a Prothean squadmate.

  Javik: Your "Joker" pilot insisted I call myself "Prothy the Prothean". I insisted he allow me to throw him out of the airlock.

    • Wrex plays up the 'angry krogan' act with the guards on Sur'Kesh by telling them he eats salarian liver raw. Javik adds that he's actually right, and the protheans considered it a delicacy. The guards' faces make the entire moment.
    • He seems to have replaced Legion as The Comically Serious on the squad.

 Tali: So you're a real, living prothean?

Javik: As opposed to a fake, dead one?

Tali: Uh...okay.

      • Of course, considering the vast number of Collector corpses that Shepard has left in her/his wake, and the fact that at least one Reaper could assume control of a Collector's body, this could be considered an entirely valid question.
    • His Bizarre Alien Biology leads to a funny moment with Shepard regarding his or her love interest. For example, if it's female Shepard and Garrus:

 Javik: You and the turian... you are joined?

Shepard: (grinning) You could say that.

Javik: I'm not. Your pheromones are.

  • Kirrahe assumes that you're joking when you tell him that Javik's Prothean, and guesses that it's actually a drell or some other alien with genetic engineering.
    • Which is doubly funny when contrasted with Mordin's reaction to first seeing Javik moments later.

  Mordin: A Prothean. Excellent.

  • A salarian protests that he can't release Eve once containment protocols are in effect. He's interrupted mid-sentence with a painful electric shock, with Mordin right behind him.

  Mordin: Objection noted.

  • After EDI gets the android body, she'll mention that "Do not worry, Shepard. I only forget to recycle the Normandy's oxygen when I find something truly interesting." The look of silent horror on Shepard's face is absolutely hysterical... especially when EDI then follows it up with the usual "That was a joke."
    • Actually, just about everything involving EDI and Joker, and the fact that about everyone on the Normandy is thinking Robo Ship.
      • As shown in this video, Joker is caught asking for sex advice of how to get it on with EDI from Mordin.
    • After the mission in Tuchanka, Joker has an idea on how to deal with Reapers:

 Joker: Now all we need is a gun that fires Thresher Maws!



Shepard: That was a joke.

EDI: I apologise. I was contemplating.

    • How did EDI counter Cerberus' cyberwarfare after the events of ME2? By flooding their servers with porn. Seven zettabytes of it. Most of it was Joker's.
      • For everyone playing along at home, a zettabyte is 1021 bytes. In all Joker has seven (ahem) sextillion (7 x 1021 or 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000) bytes of porn on the Normandy's computer. Yes, sextillion is a real number. Additionally, as of 2009, the total memory of the entire Internet was estimated to be half a zettabyte. The Extranet Is For Porn indeed. How did he get the time to watch all that?
      • SuperduperultrahighOMFGAWESOMFUTURISTICGRAHPICS-HD Pr0n?
      • Five sense stimulation, Like fornax. *Deep Breath*
  • Garrus and Joker telling jokes to each other on the Normandy's bridge.

 Garrus: What's the first order an Alliance commander gives at the start of combat?

Joker: Uh... I give up.

Garrus: Correct!

 Garrus: Why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?

Joker: (amused) Okay then, why does the Alliance hire pilots with glass bones?

Garrus: So their marines can beat someone in hand to hand combat.

 Tali: I appreciate what you're doing here, Shepard.

Shepard: Well, I care deeply about the quarian people.

Tali: It's good to be back on the Normandy.

Shepard: Let me know if it's too quiet for you to sleep, and I'll find you someplace louder.

Tali: (Pleasantly) Hmm.

Kaidan: Uh... if you like, I can give you two some privacy.

    • Ashley tries to get the two lovebirds to cut the chatter (which is even funnier if she was your ME1 love interest and you dumped her for Tali in the first place):

  Ashley: Maybe we can talk about this when we're not on a damn geth dreadnought.

    • Even funnier is Javik's response:

 Javik: I don't understand.

EDI: Shepard and Tali became physically intimate during their fight against the Collectors.

Javik: Mating between species. A pointless exercise.

      • Whereas Liara thanks EDI for the update with dripping sarcasm, while Vega's reaction is simply "Too Much Information". Topped off with Shepard simply saying "Thank you, EDI."
    • Even funnier is Garrus's response:

  Garrus: (Exasperated) I was there when you two had your thing, remember? Just get a room and work it out.

    • Just Tali being a flirt and her interactions with Shepard in general. It's both hilarious and heartwarming to watch them go back and forth. Another gem, if you managed to get the quarians and geth to work together:

 (Tali has been discussing how geth have been uploading themselves into quarian suits, simulating infections so the quarians can live without them faster.)

Shepard: Well, just tell me if you're going to upload someone into yours.

Tali: (chuckles) Oh, trust me, Shepard. The only other person who gets inside this suit is you.

    • If you negotiate peace with the geth and quarians:

 Shepard: I bet you say that to every guy who gets you a homeworld.

Tali: Only the cute ones.

  • The entire Grissom Academy sequence, watching Jack's...unique teaching style and it's startlingly positive effect on her students.
    • Especially when they start mocking some of her lines from ME2 (which themselves are taken verbatim from enemy biotics from ME1)...
    • And their reward for surviving the whole debacle:

  Jack: You're all getting ink, on me! What do you guys want, Grissom Academy logo, a glowing fist? A unicorn, for Rodriguez?

      • It's a Funny and Heartwarming moment if you own the Mass Effect 3 iOS app and Jack emails you, "Rodriguez just ripped a husk's head off. May be some hope for her yet."
    • And if you're romancing Garrus and bring him along:

  Jack: Bite me, Garrus! Better yet, bite her - I bet that's how she likes it.

    • Or her reaction to EDI, which is surprisingly amiable:

  Jack: Nice body, EDI. Now you look like a sex-bot instead of a sex-toy.

 Joker: (upon hearing Jack forcibly hold herself back from cursing him out in front of her students) What, does she have a swear jar or something? I bet we could empty that out and have enough to buy a new cruiser!

Jack: ...Cover your ears, kids. Hey, Joker! F--

(loading screen)

  • And seeing her later at Purgatory Bar:
  • Garrus comments on this right before the final mission.

 Garrus: Unlike most people in the galaxy, I've seen you dance comment.

    • During the same outing, Shepard can take a jab about how Garrus always seems to have a new scar every time they meet up, and cracks about how Vakarian might be losing a step in his old age.

 Garrus: Excuse me, but - raise your hand if you haven't died before.

Shepard: Touche.

 Shepard VI: There's nothing this galaxy can't beat if we all work together... (activate again) ...except the Reapers. Ever see the size of one of those things?

Shepard VI: I can predict what the real Commander Shepard would say with seven percent accuracy!"

Shepard VI: (To Shepard, who he/she is based off of) Extranet says you're an Alliance Officer. Keep up the good work, soldier!

Shepard VI: How 'bout a pet? You look like a varren person!

Shepard VI: Always nice to see you!

Shepard VI: Hey again!

Actual Shepard: I don't really sound like I?

    • It's also based on the personality of your Shepard, so while a Paragon Shepard VI is obnoxiously friendly, a Renegade Shepard VI sounds more than a little Ax Crazy.

 Shepard VI: Looks like you've been in some fights lately. Install me in a combat mech, and I could do some pretty crazy damage myself.

Shepard VI: Technically, it's thermal clips, not bullets. But who says, "I filled him with five detachable heat sinks"?

Shepard VI: Wait, wait, forget the mech. Install me in one of those flying drones and stick a Cain on it.

Shepard VI: Ever wrestle a varren for money?

 Solus: Walk on beach, collect seashells.

Shepard: You'd go crazy inside an hour.


Solus: ...Might run tests on seashells.

  Solus: Would have liked to test the seashells...

  • Catching Garrus and Tali getting a little cozy with each other near the end of the game, if Shepard is not in a relationship with either one of them.

  Garrus: I, uh, think one of my mandibles got hooked on her helmet...

    • And then there's this little gem soon after.

 Garrus: Guess it helps to have something to come back to.

Tali: What do you mean, something to come back to? This is just a fling, Vakarian. I'm just using you for your body.

Garrus: You are so mean. And I'm okay with that.

 Garrus: I hear krogan females have a thing for guys with scars.

Shepard: So I've heard.

Garrus: Here's hoping nobody's thinking of an arranged marriage to secure the deal.

(Meanwhile, in the med bay...)

Mordin: Garrus is healthy, many scars. A bit aggressive. Almost like krogan.

Eve: For the last time, Doctor, I'm not interested!

  • "I'm Garrus Vakarian, and THIS is now my favorite spot on the Citadel!"
  • And then there's the bizarre hilarity that is the Conrad Verner encounter (Paragon version, at least). Or, as I like to call it: Random Shit From the First Game Coming Together in the Most Bizarre Way Possible: The Sidequest. So, a question for you: how do Conrad Verner, the writings of Matriarch Dilinaga, the armory licenses, retrieving the data disks on Feros, and helping out Detective Chellick all fit together in a logical way? Answer: I still have no idea.
    • Also from that sidequest, Conrad reveals that he wrote his doctoral dissertation on xenotechnology and dark matter integration. Also, his subverted taking the bullets moment and how insanely epic it is.
    • Then there's some of the automated dialogue you can have with him.

 Shepard: Conrad, do you even have a wife?

Conrad: Oh yes! Yes, yes, yes... Well... no. But see-

Shepard: Conrad, if you have some kind of weird shrine of me, I will be very unhappy.

Conrad: It's just a poster and a few candles. It's very tasteful.

Shepard: Gah...

    • When caught drumming up support for Cerberus because Shepard worked for them, Shepard speaks for us all.

  Oh for the love of...

    • Conrad also ask the question every player of ME 1 had about the thermal clip system and why it replaced the self cooling one or didn't just became an addition.
    • One of his lines refers to the save bug which caused renegade action to be imported from ME 1 regardless of an actual player decision.

  Just... I'm sorry if I ever accused you of pointing gun on me when you didn't actually do that. I was really stressed out!

    • This Troper managed to somehow miss most of that quest, and pretty much skipped straight to Conrad Verner popping out of nowhere, saying "There's my Cerberus contact!", and then Taking the Bullet for Shepard, only for the undercover girl from the first game to have sabotaged the gun and then hook up with Conrad. Made for a hilariously WTF Big Lipped Alligator Moment.
  • Drunk Tali. Just...Tali being totally hammered. Especially when she starts calling Javik over the intercom and tells him she thinks he actually likes Liara.
    • Particularly her difficulty with the... "emergency induction port."
    • The iOS app has her drunk text Shepard. And the next day, text "Ow. Head hurts. Why do people do this for fun? And what happened to my spellchecker?"

 Tali: hey Shepard im in teh lounge havinga drink, wanna hwlp?

    • During the same sequence when Tali's smashed, she has an amusing conversation with Javik regarding his relationship with Liara. She teases him about liking Liara, then teases him about liking Tali herself. Javik is more than a little exasperated:

 Javik: This conversation is over.

    • This is even funnier considering Javik's empathic abilities; he probably pulled that line from Tali's own conversation with Garrus in the second game.
    • Also, her daddy issues show up full force. If she's in a relationship with Shepard:

 Tali: I'm having a drink with my boyfriend. My human boyfriend. Heh. My father would have hated you.

    • And in general:

 Shepard: (upon realizing aforementioned daddy issues) Aaah.

Tali: Don't 'aaah' at me. (grumbles) You sound like a vorcha.

    • Also a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming since she is extremely proud of Miranda for standing up to her father who did extremely morally questionable things to win a war and how she wish she was like her and be able to stop her dad from doing something that got him killed.
  • Upon Normandy approaching the Geth Dreadnought while "rigged for silent running."

  Joker: Stealth drive engaged. Only way they'll detect us is if you all start singing the Russian national anthem.

  • An incidental conversation in Purgatory between a very crass female soldier named Mel and a male soldier. Two words: Infiltrator tits.

 Mel: "I want you to take the raunchiest thing you can imagine, and hang a hanar off of it."

  • Joker and Vega chat through the intercom on the possibility of the quarians making him an exoskeleton suit. Joker says it'd mess with his spatial awareness, which he needs to "feel" the ship, and zings Vega about his shuttle antics after Vega tries to retort that his suit doesn't screw his spatial sense up. Joker also concludes that he doesn't have the figure for it, citing Tali and her hips.
  • Anyone who has scrolled through one of the Squad Member pages will notice that daddy issues are the disorder of the day. Shepard is well aware of this.

 Shepard: How's your focus, EDI? Any big questions?

EDI: No.

Shepard: Any small questions?

EDI: No.

Shepard: Any lingering issues?

EDI: About what?

Shepard: An imperfect designer who could be seen as a warped father figure, maybe?

EDI: Definitely not. Did something prompt this line of questioning?

Shepard: I've just learned you have to ask about these things.

  • We all knew the Illusive Man has... different... priorities from most people, but check out his reaction to Shepard storming his base in the first step of the game's climax.

  "Shepard. You're in my chair."

  • On Tuchanka, while running from the biggest thresher maw ever:

 Mordin: Kalros still chasing us!

Wrex: Tell me something I don't know!

Mordin: Metal in truck excellent iron supplement for maw's diet!

 Padok: In the interest of science, how do krogan mate?

Eve: Very clumsily.

 Shepard: You know that asari matriarch tending the bar?

Liara: The one sent by the government to watch me?

Shepard: She's your father.

Liara: I know.

Renegade!Shepard: I never get to surprise you with anything.

    • Some gems include the phrase "useful as tits on a Hanar", starry-eyed reminiscing about "Nezzy's" magnificent rack, with predictable reactions from Liara, Liara being gobsmacked that she has a part-hanar sister, Aethyta telling Liara that if she gets the urge to headbutt something it's genetic, to Liara's protestations, a comment about how Aethyta's surprised that Liara's panties haven't caught fire around Shepard, and when she gives Liara a unit of Eclipse commandos says that Liara's too old to "buy you a damn pony."
    • Liara's response to the gift is just as hilarious:

 Aethyta: You're too old to buy a damn pony.

Liara: So you're giving me asari commandos?

Aethyta: Yup.

Liara: You're the best father ever.

  • This line from Tuchanka:

 Wrex: Hurry up, Shepard!

Shepard: There's a REAPER in my way, Wrex!!

Wrex: I know. You get all the fun!

    • From the same scene: most of your squadmates will react to the "trench run" by asking if they really just got shot at by a Reaper. Javik, on the other hand, starts shouting excitedly that he remembers this part - and it's the easy bit. Wrex's sage advice is to avoid the giant laser.
  • If you convince the geth to support your war, a Broker email describes an Alliance soldier's complaints about not knowing the geth were friendlies. Not only did he "shoot the flashlights" off of one, he then had to apologize to it, and insists he's never living that one down.
  • This conversation between Shepard and Legion, making fun of the fact that no one believed Shepard about the Reapers.

 Shepard: So the geth believed your proof that the Reapers were coming back?

Legion: Of course.

Shepard: ...That must have been nice.

 SUBJ: No Subj

FROM: Grunt

THas a goood fight shUpurd. You cant hear em

but I;ve goht ARLIakh co,mpany chantin

SHEPAR SHEPAR your name you know. as we

down some ryNCOL to heal my woundS^&!!(


Whear are yOu?


  • Throughout the entire game, everyone reacts to Javik with a combination of surprise, awe, and confusion. With one exception.

 Mordin Solus: Ah. A Prothean. Excellent.

    • Well, Wrex doesn't seem overly shocked either.

 Wrex: What's that?

Shepard: He's a Prothean.

Wrex: (deadpan) Sometimes I'm not sure whether Normandy is a warship or a traveling freak show.

  • When Shepard speaks to Bailey s\he can share his\her thoughts on politics.

 Shepard: Politicians are the weed of the galaxy.

Bailey: Hmmm. You know, if that was a bumper sticker I'd place it right on my desk.

  • Kai Leng's smack talk about whoever he killed during the Citadel coup - Thane / Kirrahe / the salarian councilor - provokes some interesting reactions from your squadmates. If nothing else, it's hilarious they all hate this guy as much as the audience came to.

 Ashley: Permission to rip his head off?!

Javik: If I kill nothing else but him, it will have been worth it!

EDI: This organic must now die.

Garrus: I'll tear his head off!

James: Shit, I hate this guy!

Liara: Damn you!

Kaidan: Come closer! I didn't catch that, you bastard!

Tali: Bosh'tet!

  • The interaction between Shepard and Liara's Asari "father".

 Shepard: Sorry. If you were human, you'd both be called the mother, regardless of which gave birth.

Matriarch Aethyta: Well I'm not human, am I? Anthropocentric bag of dicks.

 Eve: I think seeing my sisters and I changed something in him.

Mordin: (nearby, singing while focusing on his work) Asari-vorcha offspring have an allergy to dairy and doo-doo-doo-doo-duh-doo-doo-doo-doo...

Shepard: Well, it wasn't his ear.

  • Eve hates the way Mordin talks to himself while working because he keeps describing absent-mindedly and in minute detail how his failures would result in her horrible, horrible death. She finds it a little unsettling. He tries to accomodate her, so he resorts to trailing off into mumbling about "sensitive topics". Eve finds that even worse because it leaves so much room for the imagination...
  • A hilarious Lampshade Hanging - Jacob says his Brynn girlfriend wants to call their baby after him/her. Shepard is surprised, but pleased. Then Jacob tells him/her that Brynn wants to call the kid "Shepard". Cue a very awkward laugh by Shep.
    • In the iOS app, Jacob announces that he and his wife finally came up with a name for their baby. It's not Shepard. It's Hackett. Oh, and the baby is a girl.
  • Upon encountering the Hanar diplomat who reveals his plans of uploading a virus to shut down his homeworld's defenses, leaving them open to Reaper attack, Shepard's response without any prompting or dialogue choice, is of course:
    • If Kasumi's helping you with this quest, she chimes in with her opinion of diplomat's idea that the hanar, who worship the Protheans, should serve the Reapers because the Protheans became the Collectors:

 Kasumi: You know, I support religious freedom for all species, but that's just crazy.

    • Also, earlier in the quest, Jondum Bau rules out a possible suspect by saying that the money he's transferring is for his mistress. After speaking to Bau, Kasumi pipes in.

 Kasumi: Can I just say how odd it is for a hanar to have a mistress?

    • Let's not forget Kasumi immediately turning around and telling Shepard she's not going to join his/her crew, since s/he already got one suicide mission out of her, before a little later on enquiring how much of the old crew Shepard has got back... and remarking that if Shep'd got Jacob back, she'd reconsider. Even if she still has Keiji's greybox, since she's "nostalgic. Not dead."
  • One of Liara's archived conversations is an argument between Grunt and a recruit for Aralahk Company.

 Recruit: Still don't understand why they put a tank-grown freak in charge of a whole company.

Grunt: (laughter) And I don't understand why they gave me whining pyjaks for soldiers.

Recruit: I have more years on the battlefield than you have kills, runt.

Grunt: Trying to mate with salarian females doesn't count as fighting.

  • If Shepard had a romance with Kaidan in the first game, they will eventually get the chance to talk through their issues in a cafe on the Citadel and rekindle their relationship. The whole scene is a pure Crowning Moment of Heartwarming...and then Shepard suggests they go straight back to the Normandy. Kaidan says he'd love to...but their drinks just showed up. Cue sexual frustration.
  • Bring Kaidan along with you and Tali to the geth dreadnaught and watch the two of them completely nerd out over omnitools, with Tali cheerfully heckling Kaidan for still using the same model.
  • If you helped EDI and Joker get into a relationship, EDI will reminscience about the first time Joker saw her new shell. Joker said that she didn't have to conform to societal standards to beauty.

 EDI: I then called him on his bullshit, and we then proceeded to talk normally.

  • After kicking Cerberus off the Citadel and a side mission or two, Shepard hits the mess hall only to discover James and Garrus 'whipping it out' for comparison... their military accomplishments, that is.

 Garrus: *starts off on easy mode*

James: *heckles Garrus for being WEAK, mans up*

Garrus: *points out he kicked a Rogue Spectre's ass and brought down a Reaper dreadnought*

James: Doesn't count - you did that with Shepard.

    • Walk around the ship a bit, then come back for Part 2:

 Garrus: Still think you can win this, huh?

James: I can do this all day, Scars.

Garrus: Funny you mention those... Ever hear the name 'Archangel'?

James: Might have.

Garrus: *brags about cleaning up crime on...*

James: So you ran a cleaning service on Omega?

Garrus: *visibly twitches*

James: Back on Felh Prime, I uncovered a pair of Harvesters. Had to kill 'em all by myself.

Garrus: Two wormnecks? That's... almost impressive.

James: Oh that's not even the best part. They left behind an egg, it hatched, and I trained it to let me fly it. *audible smirk*

Garrus: *lol's* The Alliance teach to you make up crap like that, or did you figure it by yourself?

James: *shrugs* It's a gift.

    • Walk around some more and come back for Part 3, in which Garrus and James both lampshade their prior interactions, before telling the story of how they teamed up to singlehandedly kick the Reapers back into darkspace.

 Garrus: With a little help from their friends.

James: Nah, it was just us. Mostly me.

  • After the "Geth Fighter Base" mission (paraphrased from memory):

 EDI: Shepard, you are now possibly the only living organic who has experienced the geth consensus. Do you have any thoughts on the experience?

Shepard: It was fascinating. Mind-blowing. And I'm a little thirsty.

EDI: And just like that, the magic is gone.

Shepard: Did you just say what I think you said?

EDI: No.

  • EDI demonstrates her mastery of deadpan humor during a discussion with Legion about the efficiency of her new platform.

 EDI: The humans do not see it as a threat. Nor will they until my day of reckoning.

Shepard: EDI...

EDI: ...Did I just vocalize that on the bridge?

    • That dialogue also features Legion criticizing the inefficiency of EDI's design. Especially for being so (ahem) top-heavy.
  • Going to the Ardat-Yakshi Monastery starts out just like a horror movie. Lights are off, no one's home, elevator's not working, last team sent in disappeared. You walk inside and see the whole place is a mess. All of a sudden, something moves...

 Kaidan: I, uh, tripped. Sorry.

    • Everyone has a variation on the theme.

 Shepard: I heard something!

Tali: Um, sorry, that was me.

Liara: (Beat) ...Sorry, that was me.

  • Having the achievement "bleep" function as a censor to Jack telling Joker "F-- you" might just be an industry first. Doubles as Fridge Brilliance for those who didn't catch it the first time around.
  • Ashley, on what she'd like to do once she's out of the hospital:

 And first order of business is to shove their metal tentacles right up their - uh, I mean, fight with honor and courage, sir/ma'am.

  • If you bring Garrus along on the Geth Dreadnought with Tali, he will mention that Dr. Michel bought him some dextro-amino chocolate.

 Tali: Wait, she bought you turian chocolate?

Garrus: Yeah, why?

Tali: Oh, nothing~ (you can practically hear her smirking) (...or maybe she sounds jealous.)

    • Alternately, if you are a female Shepard romancing Garrus:

 Tali: Wait, she bought you turian chocolate?

Garrus: Yeah, why?

Tali: Watch yourself, Shepard.

  • For all of Liara's leveling in badassery, she pretty much goes into full Squee mode when Shepard and co. discover Javik. Joker lampshades this when he asks Shepard if Liara's finished bouncing in joy.
  • During the final mission:

 Wreav: Shepard. Thought we'd drop by and pull you humans out of the fire. In return, I want to own this thing you humans call "Australia."

 Shepard: What are you worried about?

Joker: A crushed pelvis and a broken heart.

  • Among the possible titles for Liara's future book on the Protheans: "I Despise Thinking Up Titles For My Own Academic Research".
    • Especially if you've done academic research, in which case you know that just about everybody shares that sentiment.
  • After the Sur'Kesh mission, you can get this dialogue with Wrex:

 Wrex: Just like old times, Shepard - Me pulling your ass out of the fire.

Shepard: Last time I checked, I was the one getting shot at.

Wrex: And I gave you the moral support to dodge those bullets!

  • If Javik is in the party for the Tessia mission, you get this:

 Liara: Shepard, somehow this [Prothean] artifact thinks that you're a Prothean!

Javik: Or maybe it's the actual Prothean standing next to you.

  • After EDI puts herself in a new body, she mentions Joker might be pleased with her new body. Shepard replies that it's an Understatement. Even funnier is if you speak to Dr. Chakwas right after.

 Dr. Chakwas: Was that EDI who just walked by?!

Shepard: Yes, it was.

Dr. Chakwas: (laughing) Joker is going to have a field day!

  • When mentioning EDI inserted herself into Cerebus tech without permission:

 Joker: Don't worry Commander, EDI's still installed in the Normandy, the body just gives her more flexibilty. Sweet, sweet flexibility.

EDI: I'm...right here, Jeff.

Joker: Yes you are, EDI. Yes you are.

    • In that same conversation, Shepard can ask Joker if he knew EDI was going to install herself into said Cerberus tech.

  Joker: If I knew she was going to upload herself into a smoking hot robot body, do you think I'd have been able to keep quiet about it? (indicates EDI, sitting serenely in the co-pilot's seat) I mean, look at that! I'd have baked a cake!

  • Quarians are hot. How hot? If Tali and MShep are in a relationship, just ask Javik:

 Javik: In my time, even the primitive quarians were considered attractive. Now, nobody can see it... except, perhaps, the Commander?

Tali: What!? How did you know!?

Javik: (Evil Laugh)

 Joker: Aw, c'mon. It's just one simple question.

Liara: Then look it up on the extranet.

Joker: You can't believe anything you find there. It's more reliable to ask a friendly asari.

Liara: I'm not telling you if my "hair tentacles" move!

    • The only thing that would have made that funnier is if Joker later asked a Shepard romancing Liara.
    • If Shepard takes Liara's side:

  Liara: Thank you. Explaining blackmail to EDI would have been awkward.

  • If you chat to Joker after leaving the Rachni Queen to die he comes out with the following:

 Joker: You want to nuke it from orbit? It's the only way to-- Ah, forget it, it's probably fine.

  • At certain moments you have to pick a squadmate to disable/repair something technical while you and the other team member defend them. Apparently, the developers knew this could lead to some odd choices - if you tell James to disable one of the geth AA guns on Rannoch...

 James:...Uh, tech's not my specialty, but I'll pull a few wires, see what comes out.

He walks over to the control panel, scratches his head in bewilderment - then kicks it. Repeatedly.

  • The Renegade leadup to Shepard and Garrus' Presidium excursion:

 Shepard: What did you have in mind?

Garrus: Something that doesn't involve fighting Reapers.

Shepard: That's hard to find these days. I guess we could catch a hanar poetry reading.

Garrus: No offence, but if the end of the galaxy is coming, I'm not going out on the phrase "This one feels like a flower."

  • Wrex referring to Kalros, the mother of all Thresher Maws as "one HELL of a guard dog".
  • A conversation James and Cortez have down in the shuttle bay about the merits of the Mako vs the Hammerhead that is set up to sound like two fans of the series arguing about the vehicle sections. Crowning moment has to be when Cortez says the Mako handles "like a drunk rhino".
    • Specifically Cortez's remark about Vega's preference for Grizzly IFV.

 Cortez: You would like grizzly bears Mr. Vega.

James: What... What's so funny? [3]

  • Tali's line after saving Shepard from a falling elevator in the Geth dreadnought:
    • Bonus! If Tali and a male Shepard are in a relationship, this dialogue is altered. And we see a bit of Tali's Tsundere side:

 Tali: I thought I'd lost you.

Shepard: You were worried?

Tali: You bet I was! You dying because the geth overrode my hack? Think of my reputation!

Shepard: Yeah, you were worried.

 C-Sec Officer: You want me to arrest him?

Shepard: I want to put a bullet in his head. But we're all making sacrifices today.

  • If Shepard is in a relationship with Liara, when s/he's finished talking with him, Wrex will compliment the new Normandy but is annoyed that he doesn't have a window, and ribs Shepard that it's probably because of his/her relationship that Liara does.

 Wrex: I still don't have a window like Liara does, but maybe that's because I don't kiss as well. (Filthy laugh.)

Shepard: No comment.

  • There's a hilarious bug where you may throw a grenade at an enemy who ragdolls but doesn't die, and as result his arm seems to be independently aiming and shooting at you while his body lies limp on the ground.
  • Mordin sings again, this time "Krogan Queen".

 Mordin: Oh

Better to die to a thresher maw

With shotgun-blasting-roaring raw

Than to play ambassadorial games

With the blood of Shiagur in her veins

Off to fight, since Turians can’t

With diplomats instead of a krantt

But she’ll be true for Tuchanka’s dream

And live and die a Krogan Queen!


She is the Krogan Queen! Hurrah!

Hurrah for the Krogan Queen!

And it is

It is a glorious thing

To be the Krogan Queen!

    • But Mordin still prefers patter songs.
  • When a Hanar approaches Javik on the Citadel, it's unfortunate they only speak in Creepy Monotone, because you can just tell the poor thing is about to shit its pants seeing an actual, living Enkindler.
  • A real Missed Moment of Awesome is when the Rachni are aiding against the Reapers. The email when an Alliance member crapped his pants at seeing a rachni board his ship and not attack and help with the effort. Imagine a Yoggoth working side by side with you in a casual manner.
  • Speaking of elephants in the room, there's an amusing exchange between an Alliance member and a Geth Prime on Earth, as one of the Alliance apologizes for shooting a hole in one of the Geth platforms before realizing they were friendly.
  • If you talk to Cortez after the Communications Relay you get this little exchange between Vega & Cortez.

 James Vega: Esteban is just happy because he got to rescue a Damsel in Distress.

Cortez: Oh, you know me & my damsels, Mr. Vega.

James Vega: That I do.

  • You can pardon the engineering duo from the 2nd game at the Spectre terminal. Like in the 2nd game, they're always good for a laugh. Eventually Gabby calls Ken out on him hitting on every girl on the ship but her. Support Gabby in the argument and you'll catch them under the engineering deck towards the end of the game. Complete with "were we caught?" lines.
  • The Citadel Commons has audio advertisements reminiscent of Illium in Mass Effect 2. On the Commons, you can run into the Petrovskys, the couple who have been having lengthy discussions about the best actions to take for the woman's son in both ME 1 and Mass Effect 2. The conversation you can have with them in Mass Effect 3 is supposed to be heartwarming, but for This Troper, the audio glitched out in just the right way to get this:

 Shepard: Hey, listen:

Audio Advertisement: ...Cloaca Butter, made with Free-Range Organic Varren!

Michael Thank you!

    • "Cloaca butter"? Squick.
    • Similar to the above, I had to go and speak to someone on the Citadel for the side quest. I'm not even sure who, or what side quest, because the man I was speaking to had not rendered, and was thus invisible. It was like Shepard was having a meaningful conversation with a surprisingly articulate bench.
  • Harry Partridge has contributed his talents to crafting an 80's cartoon version of the ME universe. Three words: Wrex on keytar.
  • Cortez and Vega heckling each other in general, but in particular, Cortez's introductory dialogue, where he explains that he and Vega both maintain the weapons in the ship's armory.

 Cortez: (Speaking loudly enough for Vega to hear him from across the hangar bay) Of course, the only weapon Mr. Vega likes to maintain is himself.

Vega: (While doing chin-ups in the background) You know you love the show, Esteban!

  • Take Kaidan to find Admiral Zaal'Qoris, and he has a comment on fighting geth, again.

 Kaidan: Were you around when the Alliance said we'd wiped out the last major geth outpost?

Shepard: Yeah. Intel always was a little sketchy.

  • Samantha Traynor is the new yeoman on the Normandy. When you first talk talk to her she'll bring up not even having a toothbrush, and you can suggest placing a requisition order for one.

 Traynor: My toothbrush is specially designed with mass effect fields to floss. It costs over six thousand credits.

Shepard:'re on your own on that one.

    • A Shepard Romancing her can learn a more snarky side of her. Also a possible Shout-Out regarding Fanon on Shepards nationality

 [Traynor had been angsting about humanity ending up as the Quarians}

Shepard: Don't worry, when all off this is over, I will buy us drinks back in Vancouver, I promise.

Traynor: Vancouver? Not Paris or Venice. Vancouver.

Shepard: It's a great city!

Traynor: You never take me anywhere nice.

  Water is significantly more intuitive than this clumsy apparatus. I am limited in how many charact

  • When asked by Shepard, EDI describes the construction of her robot body's face and hair in technical terms, explaining how the "flexible bio-memetic nanomaterial" of her face is capable of hardening to absorb impacts and of limited self-healing, and that her hair, currently set to one solid piece, can also be separated into individual strands for infiltration purposes... except if it has recently been exposed to water, in which case, she concludes wryly, "I generally can't do a thing with it."
  • Liara at one point asks Garrus about a Noodle Incident in his Archangel days: did he really kill three Blue Suns mercs with one round? Garrus laughs it off: the third guy died of a heart attack.
  • The dangers of Father/Daughter bonding...

 Aethyta: It was pretty clear she was leaving. Can't be the wise counselor if you are married.

Liara: Why not?

Aethyta: Sex appeal. Most species only pay attention if they want to have sex with you. So you have to be available, mysterious....

Liara: What? That's not true! Shepard listens to me!

Aethyta: And how many times have you thrown her on the bed and peeled her out of her uniform?

Liara: Do you have to make it sound so... tawdry?

Aethyta: If it's all civilized you're not doing it right.

 She's onto you, Tali. Quick! Be cuter!

  • One of Javik's random comments relates to how people keep asking what he eats, and he refuses to tell on the grounds that it'll be harder for someone to poison him that way. And when you talk to him immediately afterwards, he "nonchalantly" asks if it's true that you keep fish in your cabin.
  • Tali doesn't like spiders much.
  • In the first game, Pressly is suspicious of Tali and claims she'll be stealing things from the Normandy. At first, it seems he's just being a space racist. Then the admirals show up on a vessel with a Normandy-esque stealth drive...
  • Sometimes it's better to have the backup characters around. On the geth dreadnought, without Tali:

 Shepard: How are things on your end?

Admiral Daro'Xen: The geth sent reinforcements to the bridge, but they were quite amenable to my hacking routines. Currently they're doing a lovely dance. Next they'll serve refreshments.

Ashley: She's not all the way sane, is she.

 Batarian Commander: There’s also a rumor that our kinetic barriers are thermally charged, and thus we actually benefit from being hit by a geth pyro’s flamethrower. We’re honestly not sure where that one came from.


  1. Well it was meant to be misread as 'Probing Your Anus'
  2. We have dismissed that claim.
  3. Within the gay community, "Bears" refers to heavyset men with abundant hair.
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