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In the blog of Mark Reads Harry Potter, SHIT GETS REAL AND YOU ARE NOT PREPARED! Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Harry Potter.
MARK READS HARRY POTTER
After suffering through Twilight, Mark decided to embark on the project of reading Harry Potter (which he'd never read before) and review it on his blog one chapter at a time and even though at the beginning he was not quite sold now it's REAL HARD because THIS SERIES IS SO AMAZING AND ADDICTIVE AND J. K. Rowling IS A FUCKING GENIUS! HE WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS SHIT! CHECK IT OUT RIGHT NOW!
- Aborted Arc / Despair Event Horizon: Mark gave up reading My Immortal after a rape joke in Chapter 20.
- All There Is to Know About "The Crying Game": In his review of the first chapter, Mark outlines his meager pre-existing knowledge of the series. One of the things he knows is that Snape kills Dumbledore. He doesn't know why, or when, or what makes it a spoiler, just that it happened. He manages to turn this into a Running Gag by writing "Oh no, watch out Dumbledore :("'every time the two are in a scene together.
- He also thought that it would happen in the last book, so the ending of Half-Blood Prince remained a huge shocker for him even with that spoiler.
- Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: Before his review of Goblet of Fire Chapter 10, Mark says "There's also a great deal of commentary on slavery, oppression, privilege, and why Percy is so goddamn annoying."
- Author Catchphrase: "Shit gets real" and "you are/I am not prepared", the latter having been started by his followers during his Twilight blog.
- His friend Kasper coined the phrase, "Haters, please familiarize yourself with the left-hand evacuation procedure", which Mark now uses regularly.
- He eats potato babies because he is a godless sodomite. Which is now a gif. Mostly it's just the potato babies that people quote.
- He begins all his reviews with a short summary of the chapter, followed by "Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Harry Potter."
- Also GIF's. Lots and lots of GIF love.
- Bias Steamroller: He loves these books so much.
- Bold Inflation: The opening to this page should give you an idea how Mark uses ALL CAPS to MAKE A POINT.
- Also italics, regular bold text, and sometimes even ENLARGED TEXT.
- Cluster F-Bomb
- Disproportionate Retribution: Please stop posting any sort of spoilers or hints to the future in the comments or I will Voldemort your entire family and then create a basilisk to eat you alive.
- Fan Boy: He unabashedly adores the series, faults and all. Although he is quick to bash any faults he finds, but most of the time something else that's awesome distracts him.
- Gayngst: Mark is gay. He sometimes relates examples of this trope from his real life, usually from his high school days.
- Horrible Judge of Character: In one isolated incident, Mark gave this prediction about Umbridge in Chapter 11 of Order of the Phoenix.
I don’t feel she’s evil anymore. Shoot me. I know we’re supposed to think she’s this forboding character who will fuck everything up, but come on. She cannot be that bad just because she’s “traditional” in some sense. I mean, she will probably be difficult, but it’ll be an interesting way to bring up some sort of conflict between Harry and her. Or maybe Hermione. But yeah. I’m not buying this whole “YOU SHOULD TOTALLY HATE HER IMMEDIATELY” thing.
- You can guess how he responded to the following two chapters.
- Killed Mid-Sentence: Poor Hedwig :'(
2020: THAT’S IT. AS SOON AS I GET OUT OF THIS CAGE, I’M GOING TO START PECKING EYES OUT. IT’S ABOUT TIME HEDWIG GOT HER REV—
- Mad Libs Catchphrase: [Person] [verbs] all the [nouns]. (Hermione knows all the things, Umbridge should die in all the fires).
- Medium Awareness: A staple of his Harry Potter: A Play segments.
HARRY: You wouldn't believe it. I just spied on a secret conversation between Snape.
HARRY: He is TOTALLY planning on stealing the Sorcerer's Stone.
[Music rises in pitch and tempo.]
HARRY: I think Quirrell put some anti-Dark Arts spell on the room, too!]
[Music reaches a crescendo.]
RON: WHERE IS THAT MUSIC COMING FROM?
HARRY: I don't know. It's been following me all day.
HERMIONE: Wait, so...Quirrell is the only thing protecting the Sorcerer's Stone?
RON: Dudes. That's like trying to protect a vault with tissue paper.
NEVILLE: DUN DUN DUN.
[They all turn to look at NEVILLE.]
NEVILLE: What? I thought it fit.
- Not Making This Up Disclaimer: sometimes shows up in his footnotes when quoting directly from the source material during his Harry Potter: A Play reviews.
- Old Shame: Mark's reviews of the first few chapter of the first book were snarky and condescending. Then he was won over by the chapter where Hagrid shows up at the Hut-on-the-Rock and then all was right with the world.
- Those first few chapters were a holdover from the other series he'd read and blogged about. Mark hated Twilight with a passion.
- He's by no means the first Harry Potter reader to find that Philosopher's Stone gets off to a slow start.
- Perverse Sexual Lust: Mark has declared Hagrid his leather daddy boyfriend.
- Review Blog
- Script Fic: the Harry Potter: A Play segments, another holdover from his Twilight reviews.
- Something Completely Different: Mark has reviewed chapters from the point of view of characters, including Hedwig more than once, transcribed IM conversations he had with his friend Kasper while reading the chapter for the first time, and more.
- Twitter: Mark wrote one review in-character as Colin Creevey tweeting Harry's every action.
- X Meets Y: Mark's posts are part MST, part Review Blog, part After Action Report, part role-play...
- You Are Not Ready: YOU ARE NOT PREPARED.