|YMMV • Radar • Quotes • (Funny • Heartwarming • Awesome) • Fridge • Characters • Fanfic Recs • Nightmare Fuel • Shout Out • Plot • Tear Jerker • Headscratchers • Trivia • WMG • Recap • Ho Yay • Image Links • Memes • Haiku • Laconic • Source • Setting|
"I can pretty much guarantee the guy with the loudest mouth is th' one with the most issues deep down."
A US Navy TiALS (Time Air Land Sea) operative from the future who now operates a temp agency for ludicrously macho guys. Claims to have been synthesized from American soil and steak. Divorced, with two kids (Sammy and June). He's friends with Jonesy, a mentor to Jared, a rival of Canadian Guy, and a much less abrasive and much more patient guy than first impressions would suggest -- he believes that the key to true manliness is confidence and commitment to goals.
- Artificial Human: Claims to have been synthesized from soil and meat. But then, he would.
- Bishonen: After contracting Nomura Syndrom by getting bitten by Nie R.
- Bruiser with a Soft Center: Is he a manly badass? Yes. Is he a caring daddy to his kids? Yes.
- Carpet of Virility
- Colonel Badass
- Cool Shades: Well, Cool Night Vision Goggles, anyway. Worn constantly, even at weddings.
- Everyone Calls Him Commander
- Four-Fingered Hands: Only in this old concept art. In the actual comic, he has five-fingered hands.
- Funetik Aksent: Tends ta speak kinda informally, yanno? Coelasquid suggests that his voice sounds a bit like John Dimaggio as Bender or Michael Keaton in Beetlejuice.
- Hero Worshipper: Of Marlon Brando, in a very literal sense. Evidently the Bran-Dao is a popular religion among macho spacefuture types.
- Lantern Jaw of Justice
- Man in a Kilt: Occasionally. He insists it's the manliest way to be pantsless.
- Going Commando: At least when he wears the kilt.
- My Future Self and Me: The Commander does this -- and kicks his own ass -- in order to impress Jonesy.
- Only Sane Employee
- Origin Story: Reveals his actual story after being Bishified. He's just a regular dude, chosen to assume the Commander Badass persona, because in the future, wars are fought for public opinion.
- Parental Substitute: Despite employing Jared as an intern, The Commander clearly watches over and talks to Jared as this (not to mention tolerating the silliness he gets up to in the building). He even gives him a few gifts. Made quite obvious in this strip.
- Perma Stubble
- This is him after "a couple days of not shaving".
- Pet the Dog: States that he doesn't try to toughen up Jared since he thinks that his head is probably one of the most "bizarre an' interesting places anyone could live" and would rather not take that away from him.
- Real Men Wear Pink: Or at least have passionate discussions about Jem and the Holograms characters' love lives. He has an eight-year-old daughter.
- Super Soldier
- Triangle Shades: His goggles become Kamina-style shades after he's infected with Nomura Syndrome.
Sarah "Jonesy" Jones
"...this whole building is buzzing with testosterone."
A friendly woman whom the Commander introduces to the bizarre world of overly masculine but underemployed men.
- Action Girl: Can climb vertical cliff faces and is a good shot with a crossbow.
- The Archer: Uses a crossbow in later episodes of the Nomura Syndrome arc.
- Audience Surrogate
- Klingon Promotion: Coelasquid jokes that, as an assistant butcher, the only way for Jonesy to advance to the position of head butcher is to kill him and wear his skin.
- One of the Boys
- Unfazed Everyman
"Now I understand why my mother told me to never eat $500 of Gummi Worms."
A disgraced Pokémon trainer, kicked out of the League for allowing his Gyarados, Mr. Fish, to eat his opponents. The Commander gave him a paid internship at the temp agency (even though he meets none of the manliness requirements) because Jared makes Pokemon battles sound like something the Commander would actually enjoy watching. Is completely failing at saving up enough money to get home.
- A Boy and His X: A boy and his Gyarados.
- Badass on Paper: For all his actions, as a Pokemon trainer he still has to traverse untamed lands, fight massive beasts and then tame them to fight other massive beasts.
- Idiot Savant: Coelasquid has confirmed that Jared is this when it comes to Pokémon Training. While not the brightest bulb in the box, he takes excellent care of Mr. Fish, grooming him regularly and teaching him new tricks. He also manages to bring Mr. Fish up to somewhere between level 47-55, since he now knows Hyper Beam.
- Kid with the Leash
- Nice Hat
- No Sense of Personal Space
- Perma Stubble: He freaks out after losing it to the Bishounen virus.
- Perpetual Poverty: After thinking about his recent expenditures (see the above quote for an example), he realizes that he might just be bad at saving money.
- The Slacker
- Unlimited Wardrobe: Only applies to his T-shirts. At least he changes every day.
- "Well Done, Son" Guy: And he seems to be looking to the Commander as a father figure now.
- When All You Have Is A Magikarp: Evolved Mr. Fish by utilizing him as a flail
The true face of Canadianism -- evidently all that niceness was just a ruse. Enjoys wrestling moose, drinking heavily, riding snowmobiles, and, possibly, killing dragons.
- Boisterous Bruiser
- Canada, Eh?
- Expy: Is a dead ringer for the author's father.
- Funetik Aksent: "All 'n a dae's wark, b'ahy!"
- Not So Different: Not only is his appearance nearly identical to that of the Commander, but the Commander accuses him of "lazy Canadianspeak" (when the Commander is known for dropping vowels like they're hot).
- Palette Swap: Of the Commander.
- Sitcom Arch Nemesis: To the Commander.
- The Sleepless: Instead, he sits in a rowboat in the middle of a lake with a lantern and a buttonbox concertina and an empty stare. Somehow, this causes a massive pile of beaver pelts to appear in Commander Badass' office.
Prominent Characters from Other Works
A Gyarados. Not very bright, but very large. Follows Jared's every whim.
- Fluffy the Terrible
- Grotesque Cute: Taken to extremes in this guest strip.
- Limited Move Arsenal: Comes with being a Pokemon. Eventually we see his moves-- Roll Over, Shake, Don't Eat Jared, Fetch. he forgets Shake to learn Hyper Beam.
- Magikarp Power: The most literal example possible. He started as a Magikarp, whom Jared used as a club to beat opposing Pokemon to a pulp with, and eventually evolved into a monster so terrifying it makes Chuck Norris nervous.
- Perpetual Frowner
- Sea Monster
- Wave Motion Gun: He recently learned Hyper Beam.
A stoic qunari warrior often teased for his love of cookies. Might be a big fan of Heavy Metal.
- Boring but Practical: Asala is actually a balanced sword, unlike the BFSes used by other guys.
- Flanderization / Never Live It Down: Discussed. He's getting really tired of everyone thinking he's all about the baked goods.
- Perpetual Frowner
- Spock Speak
- The Stoic
A sullen, violent Spartan who isn't adjusting well to civilian life. Has no trouble getting dates, though.
- Ax Crazy
- Butt Monkey: Often the butt of Testosterone Poisoning jokes.
- Chick Magnet
- Faux Yay: Once played Gay Chicken with Three Hundred's Leonidas. As neither would surrender, they were in a profoundly unhappy relationship for weeks. Kratos eventually won. And made himself sad.
- Perpetual Frowner
A loudmouthed action hero with hidden insecurities and, apparently, a life-size Alien maquette in his living room.
- Closet Geek: Turns out all those Army of Darkness and They Live quotes weren't a coincidence.
A big, burly, black & white lug, who has trouble with women.
- Deliberately Monochrome: As befitting a character from Sin City.
- New and Improved: He's so far the only character who welcomes becoming a Bishounen.
- You Are Better Than You Think You Are: Jonesy tries convincing him his issue arise from low self esteem. It doesn't work.