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"Describe legolas by laura here."
Do we have to?
Officially, it's titled "legolas." But this legendary badfic has become inextricably linked with its author in the minds of the Lord of the Rings fandom, with good reason, and it is now generally known as "legolas by laura", complete with lack of capitalisation.
The story begins with Legolas riding through the woods and finding a baby "whaped" in "colth". Thanks to Suvian influence, he picks her up, names her "laura", and goes to his house to show her to his father and mother. They then adopt her.
Ten years later, laura asks Legolas to teach her how to ride a horse. He agrees. Soon after, Aragorn and Gandalf visit Mirkwood. Despite it being ten years since Legolas adopted laura, they don't know about laura. Sauron plans to kidnap her for no reason at all.
Legolas and laura "horseride" through the forest and meet Aragorn and Gandalf. Legolas introduces laura to them. Later, they go back to Legolas's "castle". Legolas asks Aragorn and Gandalf if they can stay. They say yes.
After having tea, they go to bed, and a random bunch of Orcs capture laura. The guards do nothing, and laura is taken to "Mondor". There, Sauron tells the Orcs to throw laura in a cell and do whatever they want with her as long as they don't kill her. The orcs "stripe" her and rape her, but laura fends them off by saying, "go away you bastard". Because of that, they "whipe" her and "bet" her almost to death. Then, Sauron goes into the room with a bottle of "posion", which he "injets" into her.
A few hours later, Legolas, Gandalf, and Aragorn get to the front gates of "Mondor". After an inept shouting match, Legolas climbs up to the cell, while Aragorn and Gandalf "run" into "Mondor". There, Gandalf has a duel with Sauron despite the huge power disparity between them.
Meanwhile, Legolas frees laura and kills the Orcs. Aragorn appears. In Sauron's Throne Room (presumably), Gandalf is having a "fun" time trying to kill the Dark Lord and wishes that the Hobbits were there. They then appear. Frodo tells Sauron that he got rid of the Ring, and the Dark Lord is destroyed by Gandalf.
A few more hours pass, and Legolas and laura are on their way back to "Milkwood". She gets sick (due to the "posion"), and Legolas diverts the party to Rivendell, also a few hours away from "Milkwood".
There, Legolas stands by laura's side until she wakes up. When she does, he kisses her, and she asks him if he wants to be her boyfriend. He says yes even though he's supposed to be her adoptive brother and laura is ten years old. They discuss their terrible experiences, and Aragorn enters the room. The story ends there, never to be resumed.
The story can be found here, courtesy of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. TV Tropes will take no responsibility for brain damage suffered should you choose to read it. The dramatic readings may help to soften the blow. There is also a review done by The Fan Fiction Critic for it, which might help more. And now a live-action trailer, complete with My Chemical Romance and a baffling shoutout to Megatokyo. God help us all. There's also a riffing found here and a PPC mission here.
- Aerith and Bob: This girl's name is "Laura". In Middle-earth. The author's name also seems to be Laura. My oh my...
- All Lowercase Letters: The title.
- Anticlimax: It never got finished.
- Beige Prose: Alice: Elmer Fudd is giving English classes, I see.
- Bilingual Bonus: "Laure" actually is a Noldorin word, meaning "golden". However, it's unlikely the author knew this unless it really is a Stealth Parody, and Legolas is a Sindarin elf and wouldn't use the Noldorin language.
Shania: Isn't that Elvish for "Obvious love interest"?
- Black Comedy Rape: Unintentionally.
- Blind Idiot Translation: It isn't one, but it really does read as if it was. "Mean while Gandalf is have a fun time trying to distory the dark lord"?
- Call on Me: Possibly an example (it's hard to say), when Gandalf manages to make the hobbits appear by just wishing for them.
Shania: Imagine the length of the original story if they had that.
- Cold-Blooded Torture: In order, every time, both Laura and Legolas were 'bet' up, raped, and then were given poison.
- Common Mary Sue Traits: Laura "got a power and she can distoy us all the bad guys".
Alice: Oh, it looks like Laura needs to learn how to share.
- Curb Stomp Battle: Gandalf and Sauron. If you're familiar with the backstory, this isn't necessarily as one-sided a match as you might think if you just saw the movie. Gandalf and Sauron are both beings of the same order (the Maiar... basically, angels, though Sauron is very definitely of the "fallen" brand). It still wouldn't be a "fun time" for Gandalf, though.
- Department of Redundancy Department: Legolas explains to Laura exactly how the orcs tortured her, twice, even though Laura was obviously there at the time.
- Did Not Do the Research: So much. For starters, Legolas doesn't have a castle. He and his father King Thranduil live in a fortified cave, in the Mountains of Mirkwood.
- Dramatic Reading: Lots of them. It's really short, so can usually fit in a single YouTube video.
- Emotionless Girl: Laura seems remarkably calm about being abducted and tortured by orcs.
- The Gards Must be Crazy: They completely fail to stop laura from being kidnapped, and barely even react to it
- Gratuitous Rape: After capturing Laura, the orcs decide to rape her...for some reason.
- SOME RISING!
- Indecisive Parody: According to the God Awful Fan Fiction board, "Laura" confessed on one occasion to being a troll, but on another occasion tried to pass her poor writing off as being the result of learning difficulties.
- Informed Ability: Laura's "power" with which "she can distoy us all the bad guys" is never actually used or defined more clearly.
- Little No: "And then they said: 'Let Laura go!' And then the Dark Lord said 'no'."
- Neologism: "... and then Legolas was happy for somerising."
- New Powers as the Plot Demands: Gandalf now has the power to teleport Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin from the Shire to Mordor simply by wishing it, even though if he could do that in canon the books would have been significantly shorter.
- No Ending: The story literally ends in mid-sentence.
- No Punctuation Period: The first sentence is 87 words long.
Johnny (Legolas): Where the hell is my periods and commas?
- Not Blood Siblings: Legolas kisses Laura and agrees to be her boyfriend even though he's supposed to be her adoptive father/brother/something.
- Out of Character: EVERYONE.
- Police Are Useless: The "gards" assigned to protect laura do absolutely nothing to prevent the Orcs kidnapping her.
Johnny: When you hire 'gards', this stuff is bound to happen.
- Rape as Backstory: Legolas tells Laura that he was also raped and tortured by orcs when he was a youth.
- Rape as Drama: It attempted this and it failed.
- Rouge Angles of Satin: Almost on the same level as My Immortal.
- Said Bookism: Completely averted.
- That Makes Me Feel Angry: "Legolas said'i am soo happy'".
Shania: Gah! Legolas has turned into a stereotypical gay guy!
Legolas: they bet you up and raped you also the Dark lord gave you the posion
Laura: how did you know that
Legolas: when I was your age they did the same thing to me
- This fic being... this fic, it's never mentioned again.
- Wife Husbandry
- You Fail Geography Forever: Mirkwood is not five minutes' walk away from Mordor, and Rivendell is on the opposite side of Mirkwood behind a mountain range. Then again, as far as we know, "Mondor" might be quite close to "Milkwood".
- In fact, the Middle-Earth geography fails were so bad that when the PPC killed it, they didn't send the Department of Mary Sues, they sent the Department of Geographical Aberrations.