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Sebastian

File:Sebastian 4042.gif

Sebastian, Knight-Errant

 You are the KNIGHT-ERRANT! You wander the land, FIRST and FOREMOST, to hunt. And not just any prey.



You are a HUNTER OF DEMONS, and hunting's what you'll do, here, in the LAND OF THE CONQUERED SKY.

An short-tempered former knight who will do whatever it takes to find the ULTIMATE WEAPON and destroy all of the demons. To this end, he has somehow acquired the ability to use Banishing spells, which are theoretically impossible for non-Exorcists.


 The General: "WAIT...

THIS ISN'T A METAPHOR.

WHY ISN'T IT A METAPHOR?!"

 It's kinda becoming a recurrent theme that Sebastian UNDERESTIMATES THE SITUATION.


Gwydian

File:Gwydian 6746.gif

GWYDIAN, Jeering Thug

 "Oh, Sebastian, relax a little

Things worked out alright up till now, didn't they

I keep telling ya...

You gotta have fun"

Sebastian's hard-drinking, violently impulsive, nigh invulnerable brother. He acts as a bizarre sort of Morality Chain to Sebastian, keeping the latter's own form of recklessness in check.

He also converses freely with the audience, and routinely accomplishes the impossible by demonstrating flagrant disregard for In-Universe laws of reality.


 Oh great, he’s had sugar and women. Now he’ll never want to lie down.

 ...the sheer intensity of PROMISE KEEPING at display sunders the very core of the experience point awarding mechanic. Thus, Gwydian fulfilled his very own quest hook: TO STOP BEING A USELESS FUCK.

 Gwydian: "Woah, man, bro check this out

This is some weird-ass plant over here."

 Gwydian: "Look, I'll do it, okay?! I'm certainly dumb enough for it

Drunk

Yeah that's what I said drunk

Fuck"

 Gwydian: "Okay, you asked for it! Here's the accusatory index finger! RIGHT HERE!"

 Gwydian: "Hey

I'm not lovable!"

 Gwydian: "Hey

I'm not lovable!"

 There's no need to hold back. It takes quite a lot to kill this bastard.

This has been tested.

 He's like a small child, sometimes. A small child capable of acting out EVERY VIOLENT IMPULSE IT CAN IMAGINE.

 There's no need to hold back. It takes quite a lot to kill this bastard.

This has been tested.

 Gwydian: "I was blindsided! This doesn't count!"


Esmerelda

File:Esmerelda 1189.gif

Esmerelda Windswept, Horizon Walker

 ESMERALDA. And WINDSWEPT. Also, you're a HORIZON WALKER! Hell yeah.



You KNEW there was a name somewhere! Names are always the trickiest part. With that, you basically got the key to your entire memory!



And here you were worried you'd awkwardly bemoan your missing memories for-freakin-ever.

An eccentric Horizon Walker who has a tendency to craft whatever she can find into DANGEROUSLY VOUGISH outfits.

She was possessed by The Demon until the brothers helped her turn the tables, trapping it inside her mind. Sebastian continues to help her suppress The Demon in the hopes that she'll tell him what she knows about the ULTIMATE WEAPON.

  • Ambiguously Brown
  • Angst? What Angst?: Esme simply ignores unpleasant Memory bubbles, partly because there's no use dwelling on them and partly because it pisses the Demon off.
  • Awesomeness By Analysis: As a Horizon Walker, Esme has the ability to analyze her opponents by SQUINTING IN A FUNNY WAY.
  • Cloudcuckoolander: Esme's eccentricity is usually the subtle, high-functioning kind. But her thought process behind stabbing Sebastian certainly pushes the boundaries of rationality:

 You're sure he won't carry any grudge from all the pain caused. After all, YOU WOULDN'T."

 You think you've found A SIXTH ONE.

  • With Catlike Tread: Esme's attempts at stealth are hilariously transparent. Fortunately for her, Gwydian is pretty gullible...


Mr. Twiddlefeet

Mr. Twiddlefeet

 You are MR. TWIDDLEFEET, a necromantic abomination filled with an ever-burning hate for all that lives, the sickening fires of impurity and an UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR YOUR OWNER.

A lich alchemized from a mummified cat and some magic dust. It seems to have become attached to Gwydian, who gave it it's name.



Spider King

Spider King

 Look at that royal rascal! It's so cute with its HAIRY CLAWED SPIDER LEGS clinging to your hair.

A mysterious, crowned spider who seems to be following our heroes.



Thunder Sword Alastor

Thunder Sword Alastor

 Oh, those damn unpredictable magic swords!

A sentient weapon with lightning-based powers and a compulsion to stab everyone it meets.



The Demon

File:TheDemon 8822.gif

The Demon

 "It's not your right to KNOW, fucker.

It's your right to fucking die and see your own blood splatter in fascinating ways all over the pavement.

It's your right to LISTEN, because your kind HAS TO BE TOLD."

An especially vicious and powerful demon who possesses Esmeralda. He is also after the Ultimate Weapon.

After the brothers help Esmerelda regain control, he is trapped within her Mental World, slowly regenerating and waiting for his chance to strike back.

 The Demon: "YOU... YOU WILL NOT MOCK ME!

CEASE RESISTANCE! RETURN TO SLUMBER, MAGGOT!"

 The Demon: ...THIS! DID NOT! JUST! HAPPEN!

 The Demon: “You're just squeaking and wriggling and breathing through your mouth and doing other disgusting things.

All that you can do, now, is listen to the voices.”

 The Demon:That's possession for ya, bitch!"

 The Demon: "YOU CANNOT UNROOT ME.

I WILL NOT GIVE UP MY PREY, AS LONG AS YOU LIVE.

NO ANGELS, NO EXORCISTS WILL SAVE YOU.

I WILL LURK IN THE DARK UNTIL THE TIME IS RIGHT.

REMEMBER THIS.

WEAKNESS WILL COME OVER YOU AGAIN..."



Yeah, the USUAL GARBAGE.

  • Xanatos Speed Chess: When the Demon discovers that The Other Guy is more influenced by the players’ suggestions than by its own mind control, it “steers” him toward the suggestions that will result in his death.


King Skal

File:KingSkal 1331.gif

Skal, King of the Land of the Conquered Sky

 There are many people who might think dragons are pretty awesome. If there'd be a competition in dragon worship, and they'd line up with their dinky dragon admiration, then, yeah, then there'd be ONLY ONE THING TO TELL THEM, and that would be:



YOU HAVE JUST BEEN OUTCLASSED IN EVERY CATEGORY THAT THERE IS.

A cunning, charismatic, dragon-obsessed old man with big plans for his kingdom.


  • Animal Motifs: Skal is completely enamored with dragons, and he puts their images on absolutely everything.
  • The Big Board: Skal's map room is actually quite understated (for Skal), befitting the subtlety of his schemes.
  • The Chessmaster: Complete with pieces shaped like the main characters.
  • Deadpan Snarker:
    • Seen here:

 Helmström: "I believe he knows more than he lets on, my lord."

King Skal: "Next you'll be saying we probably have a monarchy."

    • And here:

 Prince Rasp: "DO YOU HAVE EVEN THE SLIGHTEST IDEA WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING?!"

King Skal: "Oh, no, son.

I obviously have no idea whatsoever what I'm doing here.

In fact, I've had not a single clue these past sixty years! You've got me.

Can't hide anything from my clever son, oh boy."

 Aaron: "Spoken like a true politician."

King Skal: "Let us both pretend that was a compliment."

 It's not that cheap, since it's made of finest quality wood, but it has payed off. No deranged plans spanning centuries without strategic maps and figurines to back 'em up. You would get horribly confused without them! Who did you send to kill who again? Is that a double, triple or quadruple agent over there? Are you furthering your agenda or just dicking around because YOU ARE THE GODDAMN KING HERE?

  • Pretext for War: Intends to use the brothers to blame Beowulf's assassination attempt on the Exorcists, so he can attack them with his citizens' support.
  • Public Execution: His son expresses some relief that King Skal didn’t order any of these during the wedding.
  • Right-Hand-Cat: Substitutes a small dragon statue.[13]
  • Royals Who Actually Do Something: Besides the ubiquitous dragon-themed rebranding, he has been the world's foremost patron of Magitek research. We are told that he has "transformed the Land of the Conquered Sky like no-one else before him."


Mantikor

File:Mantikor 6329.gif

Mantikor, aka "The Clown"

 EVERYBODY in Videgotto knows this guy. And if you see him and his silly collar, you shut up. RULES. Although you've seen much sillier collars today.

A no-nonsense bodyguard, messenger and advisor to King Skal. Most people only know him as "The Clown."


 Father Lamard: "Could you at least stop waving that sword around?!"

Mantikor: "I could."


The General

File:TheGeneral 3836.gif

The General

 "THERE IS NOTHING WRONG IN HAVING HONOR BATTLES AT EVERY POSSIBLE OPPORTUNITY!"

The imposing commander of Videgotto's army, and trusted advisor to the king.


 [[spoiler: Gwydian: “FUUUUUCK WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT A DRAGON-THEMED GUY BREATHES FIRE

AAAAARGH SERIOUSLY WE SHOULD'VE SEEN THAT COMING

GRRRRRR WE ARE SO STUPID TO BE SURPRISED LIKE THAT”]]

  • Bring It:

 The General: “COME AT ME BROS”

 The General: "WHAT IS GOING ON, HONORABLE PRINCE?

I AM TOO HUGE TO WITNESS SOMETHING DOUBTLESSLY AMUSING.

IT IS A CURSE

THIS HUGENESS"

 The General: "YES HONORABLE MOM

I MEAN DRAGON MAIDEN"

 The General: “...YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE FLAMETHROWERS.”


Helmström

Helmström

  "I am currently being humble to my greatest capability."

A spiteful old priest who never stops promoting himself, usually at the expense his arch-rival Lamard. He's no fool, though, and King Skal includes him as one of his closest advisors.


 Helmström: "I believe he knows more than he lets on, my lord."

King Skal: "Next you'll be saying we probably have a monarchy."


Prince Rasp

Dethellio Barbados Incinius Norman Tharin Rasp, Prince of the Land of the Conquered Sky

 "Meddling is fun!"

King Skal's kindly, idealistic son who has a habit of offering unsolicited advice to just about everyone.


 No private affair remains undiscussed, no relationship is spared from a never-ending hail storm of advice, no wallowing in self-pity can escape UTTER OBLITERATION BY CEASELESS FEEL-GOOD-COMMENTS.

 That's kinda his thing. He meddles.


Lady Naum

Lady Naum/The Princess of Leostaria

 "I have a little surprise for you, too.

And I know you'll love it.

\\It's something fit for the future king."

A cautious, manipulative, elegant lady who conspires with Beowulf to kill King Skal.


 Lady Naum: "NO-ONE can enter. Not even my husband. ESPECIALLY not my husband."

 Lady Naum: "Are you trying to be destructive, little man?"

 Lady Naum: “You have attitude, but no CLASS.

I say you are an impostor, no better than a dirty little runt in a stolen coat,

who just happens to be immensely powerful! Ha!”


Ava

Ava, Dragonmaiden of Videgotto

 "Oh! No! I'm a non-combatant!

You're not allowed to shot those, don't you know the rules?!"

A bored Dragonmaiden who desperately wants to find a new life for herself beyond Videgotto's walls.


 Ava: "Embarrassed pause.

Shy glance upwards.

Smile a bit.

Clear throat..."


Beowulf

File:Beowulf 6179.gif

Beowulf, aka Sigrar Dorothy Sturge, Beastmage

 "WE ARE BEOWULF,

FUTURE RULER OF THE WORLD!"

A power-hungry mage who uses the ULTIMATE WEAPON to command hoards of demons.


  • Abnormal Ammo: His Kinetic Charge ability allows his guns to use ANYTHING as a deadly projectile, albeit indirectly.
  • A Worldwide Punomenon:
    • His "Capital Punishment" technique, which shoots coins at his enemies at lethal velocity.
    • Also, when preparing to use Kinetic Charge on the ENERGY HOARZ:

 Beowulf: “We need horsepower, dear demon.”

 Beowulf: “IF we are to kill a person on SOMEONE ELSE'S ORDERS, then we shall do it GRAND, at least.”

 Beowulf: "You know what? The Dragon clergy always annoyed the hell out of me. Us. You know.

And we're in the absolute worst kind of mood right now.

Amuse me with your death, dammit."

 Beowulf: “Could be quite... THE WINDFALL PROFIT.”

 Beowulf: “As a future ruler, we have ascertained that modesty is for losers.”

 Beowulf: "Deliberately slow chuckle.”

 Beowulf: "WE ARE BEOWULF,

FUTURE RULER OF THE WORLD!"

 Beowulf: "By the holy laws of Rock, Paper AND SCISSOR, it is decreed that you, lowly barber demon, have LOST!

Wallow in your defeat, pitiable creature, and drown in and endless abyss of shame!"


Aaron

The markup to use:

File:Aaron 4372.gif

Aaron of the Silver Knights

 "Fearing that a powerful demon was behind this, the exorcists asked the Silver Knights to solve the problem in their stead.



And I am the solution."

A brusque, dogmatic old demon-slayer who used to be Sebastian’s mentor.



"Howie"

Unnamed Priest of St. Howitzer's Remedy Squad, aka "Howie"

 "998 STATE OF BODILY DAMAGE MARKINGS!

1256 UNITS REPRESENTATIVE OF ACCUMULATED REGENERATION!

Means 258 in total healed!

Death has been averted once again!"

A goofy young healer who is as clueless as he is good at being shot out of a cannon.


 "Howie" "...did I mention I'm REALLY good at being shot out of a cannon?"


"Hat Lady"

St. Smitefire's apprentice, alias "Hat Lady"

 "You gotta have hats with feathers in 'em.

And look at that! I've got a fancy talky face portrait up there!

I can talk off ears at a moment's notice! I'm a babbling timebomb, gentlemen!"

Saint Smitefire's chipper, flirtatious assistant. She is a skilled tracker, and possesses fourth-wall breaking abilities that surpass Gwydian's.


 Hat Lady: "I'm MESMERIA SCALESHINE, Drakenguard sheriff on duty!

I'm of the newly founded Kunoichi Cop Division. That's right. I'm both servant of the law AND ninja."

 Hat Lady: "Oh my, an unwashed barbarian.

I don't know. Should I blush or just faint right off the bat?

HA, just kidding, you're not my type."

Hat Lady: "Man, I don't know if I can resist your interrogation methods, you hard-boiled tiger you.

I am basically reduced to a sobbing, hysterical mess here!

Watch those drops of truth between all the tears I'm shedding."


The Black Brewer

The Black Brewer, alias MR. SPIDER

 "No discount for you! The ACTUAL booze is right here in my hand!

By the holy laws of the shell game, I command you to get drunk!"

A mysterious bartender with six arms and eight blind eyes. He's one of the ten Legendary Bartenders, who are conspiring to obtain the secret of the Exorcists.



Saint Smitefire

Saint Smitefire, alias MRS. LION 

 "I'm an awesome bartender now."

A former Videgotto cleric who now owns a bar in Nemean country, and conspires with the other Legendary Bartenders to obtain the Excorcists' secret.



"Mr. Horse"

File:MrHorse 1803.gif

The Barkeeper of the Faltering Horse, alias "Mr. Horse"

 A giant of a man steps out of the bar. He is easily the largest man you have ever seen CARRYING A HORSE.

The barkeeper of the Faltering Horse. A giant of a man who uses horses as weapons. He is also a member of the Legendary Bartenders, who appear to be conspiring to steal the secret of the Exorcists.


 "The Bartender: "...I happened to be in the neigh-borhood."

 A giant of a man steps out of the bar. He is easily the largest man you have ever seen CARRYING A HORSE.

You Shall Not Pass: Holds off the guards so the brothers can escape Videgotto.


Tristan/El Vendaval

Tristan/El Vendaval, Ascended Nobody/ Avenger Noir

 Under the surface, Tristan is a BROKEN MAN. And it's starting to come back.

An unassuming City Guard who longs to be an adventurer. He adopts the name EL VENDAVAL in an attempt to join the brothers' team. Now, he's out for revenge against the brothers because he thinks they killed his comrade Arthur. Taking up the mantle of the hard-boiled detective, he's on a job for King Skal to spy on the brothers. The job comes with a kick-ass dragon, too.


 He will show no mercy in uncovering clues, harassing suspects, and solving crime while being A LOOSE CANNON OUT FOR REVENGE ON THE SIDE. This tough guy will get the bad boys behind bars, and if it's in pieces only. He'll break the case. He'll break bones. HE IS LAW INCARNATE.

 The strange moustached warrior skillfully juggles his dice FOR NO EFFECT WHATSOEVER. You somehow gain the expression this El Vendaval is desperate to impress you.

 El Vendaval: "Eat my table, despicable fiend!!!

This doesn't sound right somehow"

 El Vendaval: “These are the dice of destiny, said to cause metamorphoses of space and time!\\
At least... I'm sure I could learn how to do that\\
Using all those rad experience us player characters are gathering...”


Jackal

Jackal the Usurper, aka Honest Jack

 JACKAL THE USURPER chuckles, or rather, there's sound coming from his throat that roughly resembles amusement. He just loves screwing with newbies who still haven't realized who's in command now. All of them, used to the old order - until HONEST JACK came along.



He loves it. He loves it every time.

A snide gangster who has a history of assuming control of criminal underworlds wherever he goes. When the brothers pass through his territory, he sees an irresistible opportunity to gain leverage against King Skal.


  • Cool Chair: Sits on a thematically-appropriate throne made of broken-down machinery.

 It seems Jackal has taken a fancy to this sickly flickering light of a dying machine.


"The Other Guy"

"The Other Guy"/Arthur

 "You, a nameless and largely unimportant NPC GUARD, have long since figured out it's only the relevant characters that get into real trouble. Sure, you get beat up for silly reasons occasionally, but the really nasty things never concern an anonymous background character.



It's a tough way of living."

A surly, crooked city guard who tries his best to avoid all plot-related entanglements.



Guard Commander

Guard Commander

 It's like he's saying, WATCH OUT, FOLKS. I'VE GOT A BIG SILLY PURPLE SHIELD AND THE FIRST ONE TO MAKE A FAT JOKE GETS IT SLAMMED RIGHT INTO HIS STUPID LAWBREAKING FACE."



Father Lamard

Father Lamard

 “No, wait, stop this meaningless violence!”

A goofy, naive priest of Videgotto who always believes the best about the people around him.


 Father Lamard: "Yesssss I can feel the power of the hat flowing through me"

 Father Lamard: “..oh! I didn't hear you coming!

Er, no, I wasn't watching anything in particular.

I was... angry at the decoration. Such garish colors!

Yes. I often get angry at things like that. Colors.”


"Jeeves"

"Jeeves" the Butler Demon

 "With the most superficial pleasure, Sir."

Beowulf's "loyal" demon butler. He's generally either directing barely-concealed insults at his master, breaking out in spontaneous song, or both.


 Beowulf: "Shut the fuck up, Jeeves."

 Jeeves: “Sigh...

Very well, Sir. I shall wake up the Yes Men so that you may consult with them.”

Beowulf: “Did you just fucking SAY 'Sigh'?”

 Jeeves: "Shwoop-a-shawoop-da-shooooshoooooo

YEEEEAAAAA-YYYEEEE-HEEEAAAAAAA"

  • Servile Snarker: The fact that his master has been known to kill his subordinates for completely imagined insults does little to temper his derision.


The Merchant

The Merchant

 The merchant insinuates that he's looking forward to doing business with you again. The very thought sends chills down your spine. SOMEHOW.

A shady (and very enterprising) street vendor.


 The Merchant: "You are surely not offering me stolen goods to afford my SELF-RUININGLY LOW PRICES."

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