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- "I'm not even a backdoor-virgin anymore, thanks to Roman. By the way, that hurts! I couldn't even go to Flags the next day. I had to stay home and sit on a bag of frozen peas."
- "My tit!"
- As horrific as Jennifer's murder is, Nikolai lets out this gem before the band sacrifices her:
Satan is our only hope. We're working with the beast now. And we've got to make a really big impression on him. And to do that, we're going to have to butcher you. And bleed you. And then Dirk here is gonna wear your face. (Dirk gives him a look) Relax, I'm kidding about the face thing. The rest is gonna happen.