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Kicking a kitten... A grown man punting a kitten who was looking the other way... It was the bravest thing I've ever seen.
Torg, Sluggy Freelance at the end of the KITTEN story arc.
Mr Wonka looked first at Grandma Josephine. She was sitting in the middle of the huge bed, bawling her head off. "Wa! Wa! Wa!", she said. "Wa! Wa! Wa! Wa! Wa!
Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator [1]
GRRAAGGHH! *chomp, munch* GRRAAGGHHH!! *gulp*
Alright, we need to know where this store house is, because there is a guy there who is eating the burgers to produce fuel for his organic jetpack.
Dr. McNinja to Ronald McDonald, The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
Okay, bacon. BACON, DAMMIT!!!
Grim-Eyes, Digger
Yes! I am the king of gay chicken!
Ben, Scrubs

Gwen: CHRIS CHRIS CHRIS! The Zingies! Caught by the tree, tied up, my hands are in Cody's pants, this trouble is BIG!

Tyler: ...Way to go Cody.
Must. Lick. Rod!
Yami Bakura, Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series, "Fun In Yugi's Mind"
I didn't know you could grow Viagra trees.
Linkara, Atop the Fourth Wall, on Batman #147
I have a truly marvelous proof of this proposition, which this margin is too narrow to contain.
Pierre de Fermat, about his Last Theorem
GET OUT OF MY PLANT'S MIND. >:(
That was nothing like the back of the box. Where's my space lobster?
Strong Bad, Homestar Runner, "Drive-Thru"
What manner of uncivilized ribcage is this, anyways?
Old Timey Strong Bad, Homestar Runner, Sickly Sam's Big Outing
Jesus is Magic? No, WHALES are Magic. They saved the Titanic with a giant pink octopus and horny mice!
Wolf, Here Wolf

Jamie: How are we going to get out of here?

Adam: Mars, or 1947?

Jamie: Both!
I am going to sneak up on my sister and eat her dog brain.
Lobster Man, Axe Cop
Why do my nostrils whisper to me-e-e-e-e-e-e?
Candace, Phineas and Ferb

Scott: And my escape will be a piece of cake, 'cause nobody's gonna get in the way of a giant mass of angry dogs walking down the street.

Rick: Especially if it's carrying a urinal.
We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel.
I just can't wait for the Better Homes and Gardens list of helpful tips for household reuse of sixteen-inch acrylonitrite-butadiene-styrene phalluses.
Alt Text from an Xkcd strip
Please spay or neuter your dead squid today.

Nicole: Damn it, Sam, I don't want you to die on a flying building full of ninjas!

Sam: I don't want you to die on a flying building full of ninjas, either!

(They make out)
A short while ago I wrote a column on words we always mix up with other words, where I drew shoddy pictures of things like Superboy being shot out of a Superman-shaped cannon. This completely made sense in the context of the article.

As soon as I put this hot poker in my ass, I'm going to chop my dick off!

People die if they are killed.
Emiya Shirou, Fate Stay Night
And then, once I was charged into my clothes, I was a lot calmer than me, so-
Generator, Whateley Universe, "Ayla and the Great Shoulder Angel Conspiracy"
You know, Darren, if you'd told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you were crazy. Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.
Kramer, Seinfeld
By the authority granted to me by his imperial majesty Kaiser Wilhelm the Second, I now pronounce you man and wife. Proceed with the execution.
Captain of the Louisa, The African Queen

Kanzaki: I don't want to see her be raped by machines.

Touma: Okay, that's it. How the hell can you say that when you've never even tried it?
I beat the shit out of some kids today, but it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It's like I did something constructive with my life, like I accomplished something.
Willie Stokes, Bad Santa
Check his flower pot. Check his flower pot for gay porn. We desperately need those new dresses.
And there was a giant uvula hanging from the ceiling. Which is weird, because crabs don't have uvulas.
—From a post found on the Phineas and Ferb Wiki IRC
We've known each other for almost two years now. And yeah, in that time I've given a lot of speeches, but they all have one thing in common: they're all different. These drug runners aren't going to execute Pierce because he's racist. It's a locomotive that runs on US, and the only sharks in that water are the emotional ghosts that I like to call fear, anchovies, fear, and the dangers of ingesting mercury. Because the real bugs aren't the ones in those beds. And there's no such thing as a free Caesar salad and even if there were, The Cape might still find a second life on cable, and I'll tell you why: el corazon del agua es verdad. That water is a lie! Harrison Ford is irradiating our testicles with microwave satelite transmissions. So maybe we ARE caught in and endless cycle of screw ups and hurt feelings, but I choose to believe that this is just the universe's way of molding us into some kind of super group.
Jeff Winger, Community
I'm gonna eat spaceman paninis with Black Hitler, and there's nothing you can do about it!
Troy Barnes, Community
Now drop your weapon, or I'll kill him with this deadly jelly-baby!
The Doctor, Doctor Who, The Face of Evil
It appears we have lost our sex appeal, captain.
Can you think inside a chimney? I didn't think so.
Chancellor Puddinghead (Pinkie Pie), My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic, "Hearth's Warming Eve"

Mickey: What's a horse doing on a spaceship?

The Doctor: Mickey, what's pre-revolutionary France doing on a spaceship? Get a little perspective.
Doctor Who, "The Girl in the Fireplace"
Baseballs have stitches! Are you saying that all baseballs are suspicious!?
Oh! Mr. Phoenix, you're here! You haven't died yet? There must be something very wrong...
Boner. Boner boner. Boner boning a boner. Boner boner. Erect penis.
I've been waiting my entire life to type [this]: One of the Rock and Roll Space Bandits switched to keytar mode and rocked the mind of a construction worker into hitting the giant lobster with a crane.
Yeah! I'm shooting ducks with a piano!
We gotta lead the Corn Colossus away from those backup singers!
Woman's body found in Lawrence Welk
Fark.com headline
If I smash the little hover-projector does the koala-god feel pain?
Despite new management, a recession, and industry uncertainty, BS is showing profit.
I nearly collapsed in a vagina!

Couldn't you just... talk to your boob?

That's what I always thought 1975 smelled like.
Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory[2]
Oh, no, no, it’s okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.
Three... Cows... Shot... Me... Down. HELP ME...
The Vision, Kree-Skrull War cover [4]
I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flapjaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on hari-kari rock. I need scissors. 61!
There was, like, 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us!
Farewell Cavia. May a flight of space babies sing you to thine resting place.
Youtube commenter on "Shadowlord" [7]
Wow, this game is so fun! You get to suck and hump everything!
It's kind of addictive, I'm not gonna lie. Sucking on these things, like...
Did Guy the Guy Guy get you a Baby Guy?

Notes

  1. Grandma Josephine has taken too much of a youth-regaining candy and has turned back into a baby.
  2. context: Sheldonnwas opening a Star Trek transporter toy from 1975 and commenting about the preserved air.
  3. context:Lenoard had sex with an attractive doctor friend of Sheldon's named Dr. Plimpton, and when Leonard was trying to weasel his way out of it, Sheldon thought that the implication was that Leonard misguidedly fell into her woman parts by accident. Thus, this was Penny's response when Lenoard offered to drive her to work afterwards
  4. context: They were shapeshifting alien invaders disguised as cows.
  5. The speaker is actually [[spoiler:an AI pretending to be Colonel Campbell who is beginning to malfunction
  6. context: Raj was discussing a time when he and Howard had a threesome with a fat woman in a Sailor Moon costume at Comic-Con.
  7. context: Refers to Nie R being the swansong of Cavia and the part of the babies refers to Drakengard, another one of Cavias games and spiritual prequel to Nie R.
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