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hey faggot here comes my cock!!!
—Bob, 'help etiquette'
Time for a naked guy with nightvision goggles and a gardening tool to go fight a bunch of giant turtles in the sewers of a city full of mormons
—An actual quote from a player of the game.

Hell MOO is a post-apocalyptic text based role-playing game. It is set after an atomic conflict has brought down the great civilizations of the 21st century. Enough time has passed that some towns and vestiges of society have returned, but not nearly enough to curb the inherent violence and conflict of a life lived without comfort or salvation. Corporations both ancient and new sit astride the few surviving cities like obscene, glittering spiders, wielding their power over their desert domains without question and without mercy. The fake smile, the furtive stare are the weapons of the city-dweller, forever dependent on their corporate masters for protection against the raiders and radioactive sands. Yet a few wander the wastes, living off the bones of the old world and whatever justice they can find at the end of their gun. Only time will tell who is stronger.

The game uses a skill-based system instead of picking a class, and you select some skills and stats on character generation (you can always train in any skill, though). The game is heavily populated by Something Awful goons. There is no limit to the amount of sick, depraved things you can do in the game. You can go from character generation to facefucking an orphan and pissing in their mouth within minutes. Break into a person's house, kill them, steal their things then butcher their penis and embalm it for display at your own house. Consume so much cocaine your heart explodes. Behind all this is a rather deep, interesting game with a variety of play styles available and an interesting world to explore.


Provides examples of:

  • After the End: The entire premise of the game.
  • Absurdly Spacious Sewer:
  • Arbitrary Gun Power: Acceptable due to the way guns work in the game; they cannot be parried and are relatively fast. If they dealt realistic damage, game balance would suffer greatly.
  • Atomic Superpowers: Mutations are one of the primary ways to buff your character. It is essentially possible to become a post-Apocalyptic X-Man.
    • Anti-Magic: The Jammer mutation messes up everyone else's Focus.
    • Astral Projection: Clairvoyants can spy on people this way, and also hurt other Clairvoyants with a psychic pulse.
    • Playing with Fire: Carrie, which allows pyrokinesis.
    • An Ice Person: Chiller, which allows the player to chill opponents and freeze items.
    • Blade Below the Shoulder: The Ripper Mutation, which gives the player "huge fucking bone claws".
    • Flight: The power of the same name allows people to fly at will. The only downsides are the wind chill factor, which makes perfect sense, and the vengeful chupacabras, which makes sense in Hell MOO at least.
    • Make Me Wanna Shout: Screech, which is a psionic burst of static so powerful that it can put others into shock.
    • Petting Zoo People:
      • Yeti Fur: protects you from the cold and powers you up in chilly weather, and makes you furry
      • Salamander: improves your swimming and climbing abilities, as well as allowing you to regenerate broken limbs. Comes with webbed fingers.
      • Billy Goat: you can climb better, and eat literally anything. Comes with little horns.
    • The Empath: A game-changing mutation that essentially prevents one from taking an active combat role, and is exactly what it says on the tin.
      • It comes with an imposed Friend to All Living Things clause. Killing a sentient being stresses an Empath and may put them into shock. Psychic feedback is not fun.
    • The Power of Blood: Bleeders can inflict wounds on themselves, to send themselves into a frenzy.
    • The Power of the Sun: Solar Sponge, which heals the player when hot (or on fire), in addition to giving the player brawn and brain increases in the sunlight.
  • Black Comedy Rape: Frequently. You stop noticing after a while.
  • Bottomless Bladder: Averted. Nobody Poops is, however, played straight. Thank God.
  • Chainsaw Good: The Chainsaw and Chainsaw Lance weapons.
  • Crapsack World: It's after the apocalypse. Murder, death, rape, and finding all your stuff is stolen are considered facts of life as the strong only barely tolerate the weak's existence as a source of income.
  • Complete Monster: More often than not, the players! There too many examples to really list.
  • Da Chief: FCPD Chief Ralphie.
  • Dead Baby Comedy: Most births result in dead babies, which can be eaten or crafted.
    • Or torn apart gruesomely.
  • Escort Mission: The Broken Arrow and Mine Rescue missions. With the added complication that another player might come out of nowhere or kill you. Or worse, kill the person you're escorting.
  • Eldritch Abomination: Oh, cool, there's a tunnel complex under the orphanage! And a puzzle! Ooh, I wonder what's down he- oh god it's a shoggoth
  • Everything Trying to Kill You: This applies at low levels. Even the ten year-old orphans. Averted when you are sufficiently more powerful than a mob; they will cower in fear rather than dare to attack you.
    • Also, other players.
    • Averted by zombies, which are too dumb to be afraid.
  • Fan Nickname: Focus mutations are referred to as ELF MAGICK.
  • Item Crafting: A lucrative career path, and not necessarily mutually exclusive with combat, either.
  • Katanas Are Just Better: Some of the best low-level blade-type weapons are of Japanese origin.
  • Mega Corp
  • Orphanage of Fear: The place most new players go to gain experience, by killing orphans. Some with rabies.
  • Our Vampires Are Different: And they burst into flames when exposed to the sun. Which is hilarious.
    • They benefit from tremendously increased physical stats aside from reflexes, with a similarly large bonus to Cool and Senses. However they have plasticine-level vulnerability to wooden stakes. In addition, they can get ill if they drink the blood of a sick person.
  • Our Zombies Are Different: But not that different.
  • Power Fist: Tesla Gauntlets and Edison Gauntlets provide the trope in style. Hideous electric death style.
  • Pstandard Psychic Pstance
  • Psychic Nosebleed: Using Pyrokinesis or Cryokinesis will cause you a little damage.
  • Tele Frag: Using the Blink power can sometimes cause this.
  • The Hunter: Vampire Hunters roam Freedom City and Slagtown. They hunt vampires, naturally. All of them are a shout-out to various works.
    • Trevor Belmont from the Castlevania series.
      • Actually, his name is Tyrone Belmont. A black member of the Belmont clan.
    • Robert Neville from I Am Legend
    • Buffy Summers from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
    • Father Callahan from 'Salem's Lot
    • Blade from... well, Blade.
    • There is a contract which pays players for killing other players that have the Abomination mutation.
  • Vendor Trash: Almost entirely averted, as even random junk like tamagachis or scrap wood can be needed to craft powerful items.
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