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Picture the Halo universe. Now add an absentminded, mentally unstable protagonist with violent impulses and a penchant for silly exclamations, a beautiful-but-frustrated AI, a black Marine who listens to metal and kicks ass and brags about his size, a religious coalition of alien races hell-bent on activating the Halos (and raping humanity into extinction along the way), and a legion of horrific zombifying sex parasites. The result?

Halo: Combat Deformed!

Authored by St. Araqiel with the help of his younger brother, this fic parodies the first game in a rather perverted manner (he freely admits he wrote as such because it was the first thing he thought of). A sequel (Halo 2 Idiots) has been published as well, but as of July 2008, it is effectively dead, owing to Attention Deficit Creator Disorder.


  Volunteers, step up!

Examples Contained in Both Fics

 Johnson: Am I right, Marines?

Marines: SIR, YES, SIR!

Examples Contained in Halo: Combat Deformed

  • A Date with Rosie Palms: Sergeant Johnson, with a charged plasma pistol, and later, in Foehammer's bunk.
    • And before that, a stealth Elite hiding in Captain Keyes' lifepod.
  • BFG: The M111 Battle Cannon. The Chief doesn't get to use it for long, though.
  • Chekhov's Gun: Johnson's belt.
  • Dream Sequence/Nightmare Sequence: The Master Chief has one while in cryo-sleep.
  • Flat What: The Chief's reaction to Guilty Spark's presence aboard the Pillar of Autumn.
  • I'll Be in My Bunk: Cortana tells Captain Keyes something to this effect in the beginning.
  • Jumping on a Grenade: Sergeant Stacker gets stuck with a plasma grenade while riding a tank and hops off so it doesn't kill the Marine on the jumpseat behind him, too.
  • Rewarded as a Traitor Deserves: Though not shown, Ellen Dowski's thanks for betraying the command crew is a fatal gang rape at Covenant hands. Her body is found by the rescue force in the brig of the Truth and Reconciliation.
  • Shotguns Are Just Better: The Master Chief swaps his sidearm for a shotgun he finds in the swamp. It turns out to be a good idea.
  • Shot in the Ass: Johnson, with needler rounds; the Chief, with an overcharged plasma shot, then a Sentinel beam.
  • Too Dumb to Live: Captain Keyes. And he doesn't.


Examples Contained in Halo 2 Idiots


  I think we're just getting started.

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