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The main protagonist. After being taunted by Dick Cheney, a glowing baseball bat appears in front of Jon, who uses it to kill monsters. It later turns out that the fate of the world is in his hands.
- Blue Eyes
- Heterosexual Life Partners: with Stephen
- I Know You Are in There Somewhere Fight
- Journey to the Center of the Mind: a magical voice tells him to man up after being knocked into a building by Conan O'Brien
- Shock and Awe: The bat uses lightning
- The Hero
Found a magic staff under his studio, allowing him to use fire powers. Cheney wants a gem on the end of the staff, causing him to capture and brainwash Colbert, hoping it will get him killed and he can take the staff.
- Battle Aura
- Brainwashed and Crazy
- Distressed Dude
- Glowing Eyes of Doom: when evil
- Heterosexual Life Partners: with Jon
- Mind Rape: by Cheney
- Playing with Fire: sort of
- Power Gives You Wings
Has the ability to control money to form any shape he desires. Also, occasionally, to exorcise people with it.
- Green Eyes
- Screw the Rules, I Have Money: Steve solves every problem the Hollywood way: by throwing lots of money at it
- The Smart Guy
- Thief Bag: a large sack on his back carries all his money
Is a Time Lord, but cannot remember the events leading up to the end of the Time War and his arrival on earth.
- Alien Among Us
- Mr. Exposition
- Phlebotinum Breakdown: his vortex screwdriver has been known to break at crucial times
- Scarf of Asskicking: in what appears to be a callback to the Fourth Doctor, as there is never an explanation for it
Samantha Bee and Jason Jones
Sam and Jason mistake the apocalypse for the signal to start the Canadian invasion of America. Sam wields an ice hockey stick, while Jason shoots exploding roses.
- An Ice Person: Sam
- Canada, Eh?
- Happily Married: Jason rushes to his wife's defense when Jon immobilizes her
- Sailor Moon: their outfits are obviously based on the Sailor Senshi and Tuxedo Mask; lampshaded by Jon at one point.
- Also a Shout-Out to the fact that Sam played Sailor Moon at the Canadian National Exhibition
- Shiny New Australia: Sam was apparantly promised New York for her services.
- The Cavalry: they later act as this for some of the other characters
Is secretly an evil alien overlord who has taken over multiple universes, with his sights now set on Earth. Apparantly spent years sowing enough fear and hate for his invasion to go off without any major problems.
- Big Bad
- Devil in Plain Sight: He acknowledged to Jon that he was right all along--Cheney is evil!
- Evil Overlord
- For the Evulz: Yonatan notes that Cheney has no interest in ruling his conquered worlds--just destroying them
- Mind Rape: to Stephen
Stephanos and Yonatan
The evil twins of Stephen and Jon. Cheney's most trusted henchmen, these two act as heralds when Cheney begins his assault on an unsuspecting universe.
- Died in Your Arms Tonight: Yonatan in the arms of Stephanos. Or did he?
- Evil Twin: To Stephen and Jon.
- Ho Yay: Full-stop. Stephen teases Yonatan about it.
- Insult Backfire: Stephanos enjoys being evil.
Jason Jones: You *cough* bastard!
Stephanos: Oh, flattery won’t save you now!
- Love Martyr: Yonatan.
- Minion Shipping: Stephenos and Yonatan have all-but declared this to be canon.
- Pieta Plagiarism: Stephanos holds Yonatan this way after the latter’s Heroic Sacrifice.
- Please, I Will Do Anything!: Stephanos’s bargain with Jon Stewart if he saves Yonatan’s life.
- Unlucky Childhood Friend: Oh, Yonatan