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This character sheet assumes the reader is up-to-date. Unmarked spoilers abound.

Gobwin Knob

Parson Gotti, Lord Hamster

 "Don't worry. We try things. Occasionally they even work."

The protagonist of this story[1], Parson was a geeky gamer, fat slob, and all-around loser on this little world called Earth. He expressed a major desire to live in game worlds and command a real battle. Coincidentally, certain forces on Erfworld decided they needed a perfect general, and cast a spell to summon one from any plane of existence. And thus, his story begins.

 Parson: I mean, then... what's the lesson supposed to be here, Wanda? "Be careful what you wish for?" This isn't what I wished for!

Wanda: Ha! You didn't wish for this world, Parson Gotti. It wished for you.

  • Bavarian Fire Drill
  • Brilliant but Lazy
  • Bigger Is Better in Bed: One of his worries regards his size relative to any person in Erfworld, after it came out that Erfworlders are capable of intercourse (though not of reproduction). Maggie had a blast after he told her. She tells him not to worry about it since, worst-case, his partner's injuries will heal at dawn and she'll never forget the experience.
  • The Chosen One: After the battle of Gobwin Knob, Wanda believes he is this, to the point she refuses to make tactical decisions without him.
  • Deadpan Snarker
  • Death Glare: First when he acquires Ruthlessness in Book 1, and then when he decides to start fighting personally in Book 2.
  • Does This Remind You of Anything?: First with the gaming scenario he had been setting up which the battle for Gobwin Knob essentially duplicates, then with pretty much EVERYTHING else he encounters. He spends most of first hours in Erfworld snickering at all the little puns and shout-outs to our world that nobody there is even aware of.
  • The Dreaded: Charlie is one of the greatest Thinkamancers alive and by far one of the most deadliest opponents in the game. And he is scared out of his mind of Parson, to the point of be willing to give information for free.
  • Feet of Clay: Temporarily, after his plans started to fail in The Battle for Gobwin Knob. Then subverted after his epic comeback in which he blows up half the city to Kingdom Come.
  • Heroic BSOD: After he see the destruction of what his plans brought, he nearly snapped. But coming back from the brink was his last crowning moment in Book One.
  • Humans Are Cthulhu: He comes from a world where time flows unrestricted, soldiers can travel and battle during the night, and civilians exist, to say nothing of technology, politics and, most importantly, free will for everybody. Nobody else in the story can even begin to grasp these concepts.
  • I Control My Minions Through...: While the soldiers would obey him blindly for his Warlord rank, he has won the respect (and jealousy) of every prominent figure in Gnowin Knob by showing them how genius strategy really works. They worry not about what he would do, but what they would do without him.
  • Killer Game Master: He designed his latest game to be unwinnable within the rules. Unlike most examples, the point was to get his players to surprise him by thinking outside the box.
  • The Leader
  • Large and In Charge: In the words of Jack Snipe, he's a "bit smaller than a palace."
  • Magnificent Bastard
  • Mary Tzu: He was summoned to be the "Perfect Warlord." Subverted in that he doesn't win every time, but everyone expects a perfect warlord to, so he has to explain that such a thing is impossible.

 Parson: "Perfect strategy" does not mean you win every time!

    • He seems to be the only one in the world who understands strategy beyond the very most basic level at all. Everyone else is popped knowing the rules and runs mostly by instinct.
  • Meaningful Name / Significant Anagram: "Parson Gotti" / "Protagonist"
    • Doubly so: "Parson A. Gotti", A protagonist.
  • My Master, Right or Wrong: Thanks to the rules of Erfwold, he doesn't have a choice.
  • No Hero to His Valet: Subverted. The more the other generals get to know him, the more they are in awe of him, especially Wanda, Maggie, and Jack, who trust his decisions with absolute faith as of Book 2.
  • Shrouded in Myth: Nobody outside the top brass knows what's the big deal over a Level 2 Warlord.
  • There Is No Kill Like Overkill: He used a volcanic eruption to wipe an army from the face of Erfworld. Needless to say, people started taking him seriously after that.
  • The Strategist: Quite probably the greatest tactician ever popped in history. He knows the plans, he knows the rules and most importantly, he knows the loopholes. So far he had Defeating the Undefeatable several times in the most epic way possible but as explained by himself, he is not invincible:

 'Parson:...Holy Crap guys, plans do fail. Perfect Strategy doesn't mean one perfect genius plan. It doesn't mean you never lose.

Lady Wanda Firebaugh

 "Oh, for these I have wrecked and ruined more than you have."

The caster that summoned Parson. Wanda serves as Stanley's chief advisor, and frequently manipulates him into taking actions and risks that further her own goals. She heard several predictions in her youth that she has since striven to fulfill. When most of them come to pass, she becomes a strong believer in fate. She's a Croakamancer, but has skill with many magic disciplines[2].

Stanley the Tool

 "I can end you with a thought, you know. It'd be so much easier than educating you."

The leader of Gobwin Knob. Rose up from a simple pikeman to a Warlord. From there, he found the Arkenhammer, tamed dragons, and staged a coup to become Overlord of his side. The story begins with him in dire straits, leading Wanda to maneuver him into ordering the summoning of a perfect Warlord.

  • Asskicking Equals Authority: Played with. He's certainly extremely powerful in combat, which is how he moved up the ranks, but once he's in an actual governing position he is very incompetent. Still, his one fight showed off the greatest personal combat prowess in the story thus far.
  • Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass: Defeating seven advanced infantry and a level 9-10 Chief Warlord in one swing was not exactly what most people expected of him.
  • Drop the Hammer
  • Jerkass
  • Jerkass Facade: Recently he has admitted that Parson has exceptional military skill, but also thinks leaders shouldn't get to close to their minions.
    • Not So Different: Has recently taken an interest in remembering one of his troll servant's name, and even designated him his personal lackey, since being stuck at base while his forces win his battles for him leaves him with nothing better to do.
  • Mission From God: Stanley considers "good" and "evil" meaningless labels, and doesn't actually claim moral superiority over Ansom and the Royals. As far as he's concerned, "There is Holy and unholy," and whoever an Arkentool attunes to qualifies as Holy.
  • The Napoleon
  • The Peter Principle: A textbook example.
  • Shock and Awe: One of the Arkenhammer's affinities seems to include lightning; when he slammed Caesar Borgata with it, the result was a lightning explosion that knocked Caesar out of the fight and wiped out his entire stack.
  • The Power of Rock: "Rocking out is not dance-fighting. Rocking out is better than dance-fighting."
  • Ted Baxter

Sizemore Rockwell

  "When life gives you crap, make Crap Golems, right?"

The second member of Gobwin Knob's casters. Sizemore's talents at Dirtamancy went relatively unused before Parson because few others saw the potential for traps and so on. He hates violence with a passion and thus struggles internally with the fact that his new commander uses his abilities to their fullest extent. While a talented Dirtamancer, he studies other magic disciplines out of genuine interest. Despite this, he is unable to cast spells of any discipline other than Dirtamancy[3].

Maggie, Thinkamancer of Gobwin Knob

  "May I give you a suggestion, Lord?"

Gobwin Knob's third caster and the closest one to Parson as of 2009's Summer Updates. She has a fairly reserved and pragmatic personality, though she shows hints of a good sense of humor. She has great personal belief in Parson's abilities, but this doesn't stop her from questioning some of his choices. As Gobwin Knob's Thinkamancer, she uses telepathy to oversee units and relay orders and information to/from Gobwin Knob.

Jack Snipe, Foolamancer of Gobwin Knob

  "I'm afraid I don't understand, Lord. And also afraid that I do."

Rounding off Gobwin Knob's group of casters is Jack Snipe. Popped in the kingdom of Faq, Jack was originally the reason for its status as a hidden kingdom. He is a master-class Foolamancer, though this was not fully evident until halfway through Book One. Since the Battle of Gobwin Knob, Jack has taken a much more active role in the story as one of Parson's greatest subordinates. Unlike most other Erfworld units, he loves riddles, philosophy, and "lateral thinking," making him one of the few characters to fully embrace Parson's position as Chief Warlord.

  • Cloudcuckoolander: Subverted in that, while he ends up speaking in Koan most of the time, he is actually very observant and thoughtful.
  • Deadpan Snarker: At war with Parson for the crown here, though Jack seems to be in the lead.
  • Ensemble Darkhorse: Funny, clever, resourceful, overall awesome, and adored by the fandom, if the official forums are any indications.
  • Establishing Character Moment: Within the first several seconds of regaining his sanity in Book 1 he gets Stanley to escape by leaving his dead dwagon mount using the Arkenhammer then veils them... or so it seems at first. Until the Transylvitans realize that the dead dwagon is an illusion, Stanley and Jack are still mounted, and they've veiled themselves to resemble the Transylvitan's own bats, allowing them to escape. Bear in mind Jack came up with all of this in a split second.
  • The Gadfly
  • Go Look At the Distraction: Pulled on Wanda when they first met, and a large part of his discipline besides.
  • Heroic BSOD: His brief insanity resulting from the Mind Rape mental backlash from breaking a caster link.
  • I Fight for the Strongest Side: Twice now, Jack has passed up opportunities to abandon Gobwin Knob. The second time, he implies that Parson's monstrous strategic abilities reduce his desire to rejoin Jillian.
  • Master of Illusion: His main power.
  • Mundane Utility: He's used his powers for things like lighting up a room.
  • The Philosopher: Not so prone to great speeches, but he has shown appreciation for complex philosophies, especially when it comes to their weak points.
  • The Joker: His outfit is incredibly reminiscent of the Joker's, leading to the following:
  • Unlucky Childhood Friend: To Jillian

Lady Sylvia Lazarus, formerly of Unaroyal.

  "Croaking is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well."

After the Battle for Gobwin Knob, Wanda decrypted nearly the entire first Royal Crown Coalition Army. In addition to Ansom, Gobwin Knob added Sylvia to its roster of high-level Warlords. She has taken to her new post with more alacrity than most, as she desires combat and destruction with little regard for "sides."


Prince Ansom of Jetstone

 "By strength and by duty and by honour does Royalty lead all, in the Titans' path. There is no other way. Erfworld needs no other way."

The most prominent antagonist of Book 1. Ansom is a Chief Warlord who leads the forces that threaten Gobwin Knob with complete annihilation. He is a competent strategist and, at level 10, a very powerful warrior. He holds that Royalty is a mandate from the Titans to rule, until his decryption.

Prince Ossomer, Warlord of Jetstone

 "But I am what I am. And so here I stand. I will make you and the Titans prove your claim."

Slately ordered a prince popped in Dhrystone as another heir to the Jetstone Royal Side. Jetstone's most spartan and militant Level Five City produced a suitably hardened and imposing warrior. The youngest of the three sons of Jetstone, Ossomer holds to the ideals of honor and Nobility even more than his elder, Ansom. He cares little for diplomacy, preferring instead to let his sword sue for "peace." At 9th level, it makes a very convincing argument.

Prince Tramennis, Chief Warlord of Jetstone

The Jetstone Prince popped after Ansom and before Ossomer. He is weaker than both in fighting ability, but his mental faculties may be the greatest of the three. His strategy appears to be on par with or greater than Ansom's, but he also has a much greater understanding of psychology and diplomacy. He was never made heir because he doesn't live up to King Slately's Royal ideals.

  • Ambadassador: King Slately sent him off believing him to be weak, and was surprised when Tramennis came back with a favorable alliance plus peace offerings.
  • Ambiguously Gay: Charlie takes the form of rainbows to talk to him. Enough said.
  • The Gadfly: He often says things to get a rise out of people. He upsets one of his warlords by saying he hopes "to be half the Queen" that Jillian is. He messes with Ansom's head during the parley. He keeps calling the decrypted Ossomer "Ossomer thing" or something like that and yet he seems to still care about his brother a little bit. This helps push Ossomer to break his decryption.
  • Guile Hero
  • Keet
  • Royal Rapier: His weapon of choice.
  • The Strategist: Out of the 3 brothers, he seems to be the smartest one, and has been appointed Chief Warlord following Ossomer's decryption. Prompted a bit of introspection on his father's part, along the lines of "oh, Titans, I've been choosing the wrong son to lead all along."
  • Tempting Fate: See main page.
  • The Wise Prince
  • "Well Done, Son" Guy: Hearing his father approving of him brings a tear to his eye. The father's approval, incidentally, was double-subverted, making it even more heartwarming when the reader learns that he really does care.
  • Zettai Ryouiki: Grade C, by way of an armored skirt and knee-high boots.

King Slately of Jetstone

 "My son is more of a man than I am. All my sons have been."

The Ruler of Jetstone for over three thousand turns. During his reign, Jetstone has remained the strongest side in Erfworld, mostly thanks to the competence of his sons and daughters. Slately holds to Royal tenets even more than Ansom, yet privately acknowledges that he doesn't live up to them in reality. He has only seen combat once... for now.

 Tramennis: What's the worst that could happen?

Slately: The worst? The Titans could hear you ask such a question.


Count Vinny of Transylvito

Ansom's best friend and most trusted strategic advisor, though they hail from different sides. He is a powerful Warlord and a cunning and caring person. He is capable of independent flight and using Doombats for surveillance.

Don King

Current King of Transylvito

Caesar Borgata

Chief Warlord of Transylvito

The Kingdom of Faq

Jillian Zamussels

 "Wanda, I think you're completely capable of wiping out every unit in this battlespace. Which is hot. But any time you talk about croaking me, you're full of crap."

The former Princess of FAQ, and now, as of its restoration, its Queen , Jillian was never the heir her father had hoped to pop, and in many ways prefers life as a barbarian. This doesn't stop her from detesting Stanley, her...interesting...relationship with his second-in-command notwithstanding.

  • Action Girl / Badass Princess
  • BFS: "I love a problem I can solve with my sword."
  • Bi the Way: She loves Ansom and Wanda, which is about as complicated as you would expect.
  • Broken Bird
  • Bow Ties Are Cool - Her Book 2 outfit.
  • Cutting the Knot: She really prefers cutting through the political crap, through the roundabout strategies, and doing something refreshingly straightforward. Usually in an awesome and hilarious way.
  • Dark-Skinned Blond
  • Happiness in Slavery / More Than Mind Control: Until Wanda pushes her that bit too far.
  • Improvised Weapon / Locking MacGyver in the Store Cupboard: Averted, but Wanda specifically does not give Jillian chopsticks for her sushi because she is convinced Jillian could croak a small army with them. And Gobwin Knob only has a small army.
  • Rebellious Princess
  • Royals Who Actually Do Something: This is the norm for Erfworld, but a Queen who goes directly into battle is still considered unusual. Tramennis hopes he could be half the monarch she is.
    • Half the Queen, he said.
      • Though he could just be the Gadfly.
  • What the Hell, Hero?: Gets called out by Ansom for her hypocritical treatment of Decrypted and himself. She doesn't care.
  • Wild Card: She has some of the most complicated connections and motivations in the entire setting, some of which seem mutually exclusive on the surface. As several characters have learned, this has made her difficult to predict, much less direct.



File:ErfCharlie1 312.png

The ruler of a mysterious, mercenary side called Charlescomm. Charlie is one of the attuned wielders of an Arkentool. He displays extreme cunning in both tactics and diplomacy, and his services generally come at a steep price. He plays both sides of a conflict to give himself the best possible outcome.

Charlie's Archons

Three Archons allied with Jetstone for the duration of Book 1. It consists of Jaclyn, Kate, and Farrah. The number of named Archons increases over the course of Book 2.

 Farrah: You know... Jaclyn probably would have warned him that was a Twoll with a veil on it.

Kate: They're not. Paying. For spell security!


Janis Atlantis, Grand Abbie Hippiemancer of the Magic Kingdom

 "'Striving for the impossible' doesn't mean 'toiling in vain.' It means growth."

Janis is one of the most influential Casters in the Magic Kingdom. Her origin is unknown, but her main motive is clear: to bring peace to Erfworld. She has revealed little about her scheming in that direction, but current information indicates that she may be running a conspiracy or two to that end. As her title implies, she's a practiced Hippiemancer, though seems to specialize in Flower Power in particular.

  • Actual Pacifist: Likely to be this.
  • Granola Girl
  • Getting Smilies Painted on Your Soul: One of her direct spells works like this, preventing a unit from engaging in violence for one turn.
  • Start X to Stop X: Her main plan to stop war is to introduce a general so powerful that he breaks the game. Sounds unfortunately like nuclear weapons in the modern world, doesn't it.
  • The Empath: None of her powers have been explicitly shown, but Hippiemancy is the magic of people and relationships, so it can be safely assumed to include some form of this.

Marie Lavraie

File:Marie Lavraie 939.png

 "Tsk. You wah supposed to be the smot one. Hate to see a dumb one."

A powerful Predictamancer with a founy accent. She was originally from Faq, but went to the Magic Kingdom after her side fell. So far, she has accurately predicted the fall of Faq and Wanda's attunement to an Arkentool, among other things. She's also the one who provided Wanda with the scroll needed to summon Parson. She seems to be assisting Janis, though many wonder if she doesn't have a hidden agenda...

Jeftichew AKA "Jojo"

A carnymancer formerly of Unaroyal, Jeftichew was made to pledge only to work for royal sides before being sent into the magic kingdom, after which Queen Bea ended Unaroyal. Little else is known about him, but he knows Janis.

  • Beard of Evil/Badass Beard
  • Screw Destiny: Carnymancy is technically Fate magic, but as Parson put it, it's probably actually "The magic of rigging the game". This could make him very dangerous, considering Parson was summoned by Fate magic in the first place...


  1. Or maybe just the first book?
  2. Except Retconjuration; only the Titans can use that
  3. Scrolls and spells stored in towers can apparently be cast by any caster, regardless of skill
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