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Season 1

Episode 1: Show Within a Show:

 Zack: He seems nice.

Tom: Shut up Zack.

  • The very first scene of the series, which includes Zack's Hand Puppet.

 Tom: Thank you, Zack, for ruining the 20th take.

Zack: You're welcome, man.

Tom: You're not sorry, are you?

Zack: Nah.

  • "If you get near the front of the camera, I will stab you! I will actually stab you!"
  • "You guys keep your dead cat in a box, too?"

Episode 2: Freudian Excuse

  • "Putting pants on would be admitting defeat."
  • "Aww, how tragic. Watch as my hatred turns to pity."
  • "He's a butt! I hate him!"
  • Tom on explaining his supposed older brother's age...

 Tom: I didn't say he was older...

Zack: Hahaha! Tom's a loser!

Episode 3: Terrible Interviewees Montage

  • Heartfelt music playing as Dana tells Tom that she'll be his co-star because he sucks at his job, comparing him to a turd steaming on the carpet, that she needs to clean up.
  • Zack's reaction to Shannon bursting into the room and berating Tom and Dana.

 Zack: Please don't eat me.

  • Tom fending off one of the more enthusiastic interviewees as she said she was "Up for anything..."

 Tom: Oh, oh, uh...nonono No!

  • Eternal vigilance against "This Troper":

  Mr. Administrator: A troper has just referred to himself in the first person. We must make an example of him.

  • Dana finally getting fed up with Uncle Bill.

 Dana: God, Next!

Uncle Bill: I thought we were just hanging out...

Dana: NEXT!!

Episode 4: Dumbass Has a Point

  • Dana bringing the guys cold pizza when she returns from getting dinner. A really nice, friendly gesture. Except that there's only one small slice left in the box.
  • Zack using Buffy-Speak.
  • "This is not unimpressive." "This is not me sleeping."
  • "That was unwatchable."

 Tom: (to Dana) Look, if you keep assuming that someone can't do anything right, sooner or later, you're gonna be proven wrong.

Zack: Yeah!

Tom: God, I wish I had some duct tape right now.

Zack: Why?

Tom: To shut you up!

Dana: To be a "dumbass with a point", you need to have a point, dumbass.

Tom: Trope still applies.

Dana: Does not.

Episode 5: Unresolved Sexual Tension

  • This gem:

 Dana: So I could take my hair down and be all "Hair Flip! Hair Flip!" and you'd be like "Oh, that is so-super-sexy!".

[very long and awkward beat]

Zack: I'd do her.

  • After Dana realizes Tom is flirting with her for insulting Zack.

 Dana: Tom... *takes his hands, smiles fondly* I hate you.

  • The gag of confusing their characters and themselves, especially:

 Dana: Do we have sexual tension?

Tom: [Freezes like a rabbit in the headlights.]

  • Just seeing Tom and Dana on the same bed, even though Dana already stated outright she dislikes Tom.
  • "Bend over backwards to accomodate me!"
  • Also, "Why do you hate me?!"

Episode 6: Psycho Ex-Girlfriend

 Tom: "I mean have you seen her [Shannon's] boobs, Dana?"

Dana: "No, Tom. No, I haven't."

Tom: "They're so good."

  • And later:

 Shannon: "Shut up, you just don't know anything about love."

Dana: "Oh no, my heart, she breaks. *Traces the outline of a teardrop down her cheek*

 Tom: "I was writing what I know."

Zack: "Hah...that's why it's bad because you don't ah...you don't know a lot."

 Zack: "Hey Dana? I followed you all day with my camera because I love you."

Dana: "That's nice, Zack." (goes inside)

Zack: "Aww...why doesn't she like me? It's like she couldn't even see my boner!"

  • On why Tom has suddenly become rather sanguine regarding Shannon.

 Dana: "So...your stalker friended me on Facebook, by the way."

Tom: "Oh, you mean my Ex?"

Dana: "No Tom, I mean your stalker. An Ex is someone you run into at parties and pretend not to notice. And this is waaay creepier than that."

Tom: "Huh..."

Dana: "What do you mean 'Huh'?! A few days ago you were scared shitless of this girl...what...What is there to think about? If a guy were doing this to me I'd..."

[Long Beat]

Dana: "You started sleeping with her again, didn't you?"

Episode 7: Walk and Talk

  • At the beginning:

 Tom: "Zack, I thought we were playing 'Shut the Fuck Up'."

Zack: "I always lose at this game!"

  • This:

 Zack: Wait, was [the guy from Blue's Clues] the blue one, or was the dog??

Episode 8: Romantic False Lead

 Dana: Tom, find someone else. Date... someone else. Sleep with anyone else.

Zack: Not "it"!

  • "Don't go, we still have more scenes to shoot! Also, I love you..."
  • Dana's nickname for Shannon is "Crazyfuck McStalkerson".
  • Zack: "Wait, is the pegleg like a stripper pole?"

 Zack: Would you love me if I gave you candy?

Dana: No.

Zack: A unicorn?

Dana: ...no.

Zack: What about my undying love?

Episode 9: Did You Think I Can't Feel?

  • Zack's line at the end of the episode, referring to Dana and Tom:

 ....Just fuck, already... Jesus!

  "[Nervously] Why are you looking at me?"

Episode 10: Mysterious Employer

 Zack: Well actually, I wanted to know where the bathroom i...

Administrator: SILENCE!

[Zack gulps]

  • The Administrator getting mad at Tom for Dana's lecture.
  • The Zack sock puppet.
    • Zack using the Dana sock puppet.

 Tom: He got angry at me. Why did he get angry at me?

Zack: It's your face. I get angry just looking at it.

  • Writing a new episode:

 Tom: So, should we be arguing, or...?

Dana: No, we can't just be us.

Season 2

Episode 1: Always Someone Better

  • People can't help but crack up whenever Ace says "gurt". Including the Administrator.
  • Dana and Tom trying to fog ire out how they should go about their second season.

 Dana: Ah success. You're a fickle slut.

  • Tom literally tries to Grow the Beard. Cut to Dana shoving him into the bathroom with a razor.

Episode 2: The Ace

 Tom: Where are we going?

Dana: Somewhere specific.

  • Dana's reasoning for getting a new character.

 Dana: Maybe we could have a Foil to you, someone who's good in all the ways you're... not.

Tom: We're talking about my character, right?

Dana: ...no.

Outside the series

From Zack's Character Blog Twitter account:

  • "Just finished washing Tom's car. He didn't think it was funny. (I did)... To be fair, I cleaned his car with my pee. And the windows were open. And he was in it."
  • "I like bacon! Who else likes bacon? I like bacon in my nose! Who else likes bacon in my nose? Bacon. It goes in noses."
  • "Just found the journal I kept when I was seven. Best quote: 'if i am what i eat i think i am boogers'"
  • "How is there not already a Fishbook? You know... Facebook but for fishes? Why has this not happened?! D:"
  • "Tom called Dana a matryoshka doll because she's so short (I guess?). Is there a taller Dana running around somewhere?"
  • "Saw that scary girl Shannon again. She had her face mushed up against the window. I tried telling Tom but he threw crickets at me."
  • "I think I might have maybe kind of almost set the bathroom on fire?"
  • "I haven't seen Dave in a few days. I wonder if he got stuck in the sewer again. He likes to chase rats."
  • "Carried my camera through the Batman set - somebody tried to take it. I came at him like a monkey!"
  • "I found a penny on the ground! It was glued there, but I kept trying to pick it up anyway. Then I remembered I glued it there."
  • "I drew a face on my toilet in Sharpie. It looks angry haha! But now I regret doing it. I feel bad. I really should have made it look shocked."
  • "I wonder if Dana would want a present...specifically the wig I found on the side of the road today."
  • "Have you seen TV Tropes's Echo Chamber? It's like a web show within a web show wrapped in bacon."
  • "What? That's not how it happened! Now Tom's just making stuff up. He didn't even mention the thing with the bacon!"
  • "Holy crap! I just realized bacon used to be pigs! How long has this been true? D:"
  • "When I woke up, there was ANOTHER PINEAPPLE."
  • "Pigs are made of TURKEY??! Then is a turducken really a pigducken? I'm so confused. And scared."
  • "I wonder, if I leave bacon out, will it turn BACK into a pig? One way to find out!"
  • "My fingernails taste like cookies :D"
  • "Apparently you can retweet stuff? Wow! It's like technology and something else had a baby! (I couldn't think of a something else.)"
  • "Asked dad about the earthquake. He said it happened because I touch myself :( How does he always know?"
  • "Roadkill game: I lost score, but today I ran over a bottle of laundry detergent. Now dad's car is clean and pine-scented!"
  • "We're out of bacon...worst day ever." "DAD BROUGHT HOME THE BACON! Worst day ever: averted."
  • "Peanut butter is DELICIOUS."
  • "Soooooo week old bacon does NOT become a pig again. It becomes a hospitalized Dave. Myth: busted!"
  • "Ultimate challenge: Peanut butter and bacon. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS BEFORE?"
  • "Found Dave in a closet today. Figured there should be some kind of joke there but I just couldn't think of anything."
  • "Did I always have this creepy troll doll in my underwear drawer? Where did it come from?!" #ohgodsoscared
  • "I got halfway to middle school today before I realized I grew up. Then I woke up. Then I actually went to middle school. They made me leave."
  • "Ha! I watched a pot today! It boiled! To be fair, it was already boiling. But I still feel like I accomplished something today."
  • "Note to self: Red Bull does NOT give you wings. Remember that before you try to fly off your house next time, self. Ow."
  • "Dad got a package labeled "BOMB". He didn't want to open it, so I did. Inside was a turd and a note saying "Ha ha". Thanks, Uncle Bill!"
  • "Tom keeps sending me long lists of things I "need" to "do". Good thing God granted me a spam folder!"
  • "Dana is talking so much I think she's on a sugar high or something."
  • "Taught myself the marimba. Didn't have real drumsticks, so I used chicken drumsticks. The middle school janitor heard me and kicked me out."
  • "We've got auditions tomorrow. Guess that means I should help Tom. No, wait that's the coffee talking."
  • Halloween entry: "Tom says I should be myself today and that's scary enough. I told him to look in a mirror."
  • "I can't tell if Tom is thinking or hit his head. He makes the same face for everything."
  • "Tom's talking about music. I wish he'd stop humming. It's creepy."
  • "I ENVY NO MAN! Only Spongebob, and even then only occasionally."
  • "It's too cold out to be sweaty. Also, my blood was replaced with red slurpie years ago."
  • "I got tangled up in Christmas lights today and somebody thought I was a Christmas tree."
  • "Apparently stuffing is *not* turkey poop. Good to know."
  • "Christmas ornaments that look like cookies don't taste very good. Weird."
  • "Roadkill game: I ran over a sandwich today. It was roast beef, so it's kind of like roadkill."
  • "I wonder if this cranberry sauce is okay. It's starting to smell like my socks."
  • "Note to followers: If you drop a banana on the floor, only eat it if you haven't peeled it already."
  • "Fell asleep under a tree- somebody put me in a box."
  • "My shoulders ache. Either I slept bad, or someone switched my arms while I was sleeping."
  • "Chocolate comes in boxes, right? I think I found some chocolate in this old box on the sidewalk. It smells kind of bad, though. (later) Nope not chocolate. I think it was raccoon poop."
  • "Dave is sick today. I'm going to cure him...with SCIENCE!"
  • "I keep falling asleep under bushes and then birds try to nest in my hair. Kind of rude."
  • "You know what makes ham sandwiches better? Taking the ham off, and the bread, and eating the cheese."
  • "I was sick, but now I'm not! Time for cartwheels!"
  • "What? A new comedy about an unemployed guy? I CAN RELATE."
  • "Chocolate sauce and peanut butter sandwich. The question is not "Why" but "WHY ISN'T EVERYBODY DOING THIS""

From Shannon's Character Blog (found here)

  I’m going to show him that no matter what that Dana girl does, I’ll do better. They want to have a fight by a pond? Well, he and I will have an even BIGGER fight by an even PRETTIER pond!

  • Shannon appears to have gone right off the deep end of crazy:

  [Following Zack] And how did he notice me in the first place, seeing as I’ve been wearing nothing but camouflage since the whole operation began? I might have to get my roller skates out of the closet so I can keep up with him.

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