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- "If you get up again, you'll probably run into Shel Silverstein in the hallway."
- In the movie, when Rowley grabs onto Rodrick's leg to let Greg escape. Rodrick's response?
Rodrick: "Let go, baby hippo!"
- The scene from the movie where Greg pees on Rodrick.
- The wasp incident in The Last Straw. All of it.
- Greg's short stint in watching soap operas in Dog Days.
- Greg's theory that Fregley is like a vampire and thus cannot come in uninvited leads to this gem:
Nosferatu: Can I borrow some flour?
Greg: Sure, it's back in the kitch - hey, wait a second!
- So Greg's mom signs up for a exercise program but she quits after the first class. But Greg's Dad takes a picture of her before her first class and receives duplicates from the photo place. Then, Greg's dad decides to write "Before" on one photo and "After" on the other. It's one of the funniest jokes he's ever made in the series.
- The Ugly Truth has some delicious cringe comedy: When at a family gathering, one of Greg's relatives blurts out the REAL story of how his uncle proposed to his fourth wife: It turns out he was actually going to break up with her and go out with her sister, but was too chicken to actually say anything. Then when he planned to do it at a baseball game, a banner saying "Marry Me" with her name on it came by, and while he obviously didn't send it, everyone was looking at him so he proposed. The Uncle tries to shrug it off but Greg tells us straight:
Greg: We're probably gonna be going to Uncle Gary's 5th wedding next year.
- The various kids' comics in the Do-It-Yourself Book are all funny, but best of all is the blurb at the end of Greg's The Amazing Fart Police: "Next Week: The Fart Police Invade A Burrito Factory".
- The lock-in in The Ugly Truth doesn't stop being funny, but the impromptu fake fart noises competition is a highlight.
- From The Movie, when Rodrick freaks out Greg and Rowley with a totally not made-up Urban Legend. It, needless to say, doesn't make a whole bunch of sense.
- From the second movie, when Rodrick replaces the bathroom door with a spare door from the basement when graffiti is put on the former. Scared that his parents will find out, he tells Greg, "What about the D-O-R-E? The door!?"
- "I'm a little birdie, I'm a little birdie - ow, my knee bone!"
- When Greg's mom tells him he'll be grounded if he lies again, and then tells him to lie on the phone that she's not there. So Greg, in a case of deconstructing one of the classic Parentisms of all times, makes his mom go outside and then says "mom is not in the house right now" on the phone so he wouldn't be lying.
- Rowley's magic show at the climax of the second movie.
- When Greg and Rodrick fight and Mom holds a "Summit" for them, which consists of making someone draw a picture of the bad thing they did.
Greg's picture: I will not call Rodrick names.
(the picture has Greg saying "Bunny rabbit!" and baby Rodrick saying "Waaaah!")
Rodrick's picture: I will not push Gregory.
(the picture has Rodrick pushing Greg off a cliff into the mouth of a hungry shark)
- Rodrick playing (read: getting out of) Magic and Monsters:
- "Greg Heffley will not be receiving his diploma due to his inability to skip."