"Life sucks; get a fucking helmet!"


"'I'm not happy!' I'm not happy!' Nobody's "happy"! Happiness comes in small doses -- it's a cigarette, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five-second orgasm; that's all it is, okay?! You cum, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep, wake up and go the fuck to work! That is it, end of fucking list!"


Denis Leary is a comedian born in Worcester, Massachusetts to Irish Catholic immigrants. His routines involve a deeply cutting, rambling, profane Motor Mouth style, and is not afraid to go after whatever he damn well feels like.

He's incredibly proud of his Irish heritage, and does not apologize for his love of the Boston Red Sox, the Bruins, or Boston in general (he even forgave Bill Buckner, even though it seemed no one else will).

He's related, through various marriages to Conan O'Brien.

Don't mention him around fans of Bill Hicks. Let's leave it at that.

Denis Leary has performed in the following roles:

He's appeared in more than 40 films, including:

TV Series involving him in some way include:

Denis Leary provides examples of the following tropes:
  • Annoying Arrows: In No Cure For Cancer he relates a story about how when he was a kid, his brother and brother's friend once shot him in the head with an arrow. The two of them then proceeded to run away and Denis' father actually pulled the arrow out before taking him to the hospital at the insistence of his mother.
  • Author Appeal: He does a lot with Boston and/or firefighters, so expect a lot of that whenever he's involved.
  • Cluster F-Bomb: Most of his stand-up routines are loaded with this trope.
  • Department of Redundancy Department: "Is it impossible to get a cup of coffee-flavored coffee in this country?"
  • Eagle Land: Why We Suck
  • Exact Words/Laser-Guided Karma: After the Boston Red Sox won the World Series in 2004, a bumper for an award show showed various Red Sox fans saying what they would give for a Sox championship. It then comes to Leary...who is told he said he would give his left nut to see it happen. After a few moments of denial, he goes, "Huh...that does sound like something I would say, doesn't it?"
  • Fighting Irish: And goddamn proud of it too.
  • Funny Schizophrenia: Implied to be part of what's going on in his song "Voices in My Head".
  • Growing Up Sucks: Life's Gonna Suck
  • Hidden Depths: Would you guess that he's actually a published poet, an avid fan of poetry in general, and has been a guest editor for the renowned Ploughshares literary magazine?
  • I'm Going to Hell For This: A bit on No Cure For Cancer. He's glad Jesus died when he did, because otherwise he would have ended up like Elvis in his 40s. He then performs an extended Jesus-as-Elvis impression, followed by:

"I'm going to hell for that bit. And you're all coming with me."

  • Jerkass: How many people view him, and the song "Asshole" is pretty much a celebration of Jerkasses and his stand-up persona in general. Of course, it's part of his act. See below.
  • Life Imitates Art: In one comedy routine, he talked about writing a book: Shut The Fuck Up by Dr. Denis Leary. Well, he's written a book, and while it's got a different title (Why We Suck), the fact that he has an honorary D.F.A. from Emerson College allows him to credit himself as Dr. Denis Leary.
  • Major Injury Underreaction: During No Cure for Cancer he relates a story about how his father nearly severed his thumb with a circular saw and just said he needed some electrical tape. He also wouldn't let his wife drive him to the hospital.

He would not let my mother drive him to the hospital; that was too much of a threat to his masculinity to be seen riding in a car driven by a woman. So he taped up the thumb with black electrical tape, and drove himself minus one thumb to the hospital. I turned to my brother and said "Hey pal, forget about crying, okay? Crying is over. We're never gonna be able to cry about anything ever, okay? Our father figure is a man who could sever his own head with a chainsaw and he'd staple gun it back on (staple sound effects) 'Fuckin head came off!' (staple sound effects)"


Denis Leary: ...I smoke.



  1. "Russ Gibson at catcher. First base is George Scott. Second base is Mike Andrews. Shortstop is Rico Petrocelli. Third base was Joe Foy. Left field was Carl Yastrzemski. Center field was Reggie Smith. Right field was Tony Conigliaro, and, when he got hurt, Dalton Jones. And that's sad."
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