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 On the heels of the command, a red and blue streak shot across the camera's field and slammed into Wong, sending both of them flipping into the background with a series of sickening thuds. It was Seanbaby. When they stopped rolling, he stood, now wearing all of David Wong's clothes. Wong, himself, was dressed from head to toe in a skin tight, red and blue, leather jumpsuit that I can only imagine had adorned Sean's body before the attack. Around the seams were tiny spots of blood, where Sean had stapled the outfit to the unconscious man. I thought about asking him how he did that, but I opted for silence, for fear that after asking the question, I'd turn around to find him standing behind me, fully prepared to demonstrate.

  When it was clear to us that a careful study of dongs was in order, we decided to explore the many aspects of the dong phenomena. The popularity of dongs is unprecedented, and it is our responsibility to dive right in and try to deliver while such an insatiable public hunger for dongs exists.

 How This Excuse Could Work: No way. There is no way this could work. No series of events could have possibly come together for you to accidentally tie 9 grams of pot around your dick. What, did you fall into a huge pile of pot, get some on your dick, and then not bother to check after?

Better Excuse: "I'm actually an undercover agent of the DEA. I'm on a mission to find homosexual pot dealers by tying pot around my dick. Its called fishing, and its awful". Hey, at least they'd give you some points for creativity.

  When you create a Sim, it records a copy of them. This allowed me to go back to the menu and start the game over with a fresh genetic clone of Subject Beef and Turbo Sexaphonic. With science marching along next to me, I moved them into the burned-out, haunted remains of my old facility to recreate our grand experiment. What happened next is a true story: the clone rummaged through the trash for exactly 25 hours, then ran to the pool to sink and die. It's like the first thing he did after being created was remember what I had done. Going over all this data, I can conclude that science and all the dark-sided Gozar-summoning magic it brings with it can kiss my ass.

 Man: Holy shit!

Burger King: YOU'VE BEEN DEAD FOR HOURS.

Man: What is this?

Burger King; GIVE ME YOUR TEETH.

  According to Joseph, his friends had left the party reading quotes from the bible to each other and were on their way to assist the homeless. According to the police, the group was shooting off flamethrowers and wheeling a giant cannon down the street toward an orphanage. The truth is probably somewhere in between.

    • After that,

  Joseph was rushed to the hospital where doctors discovered the 19 bullet-holes in his body. The attending physician later testified that Joseph was "probably in severe pain." Dr. Obvious likely went on to say that the red stuff pouring out of Joseph's body was "probably blood."

    • In # 5, we have:

  When the doctors at the field hospital found out he had a whole, working rocket inside him, there was the usual panic and screaming until someone finally calmed down enough to try and save his life. This was despite the fact that the army manual called for him to be dumped far away from everyone and treated last. Seriously, nothing makes you more unpopular to a group than having a live bomb inside you.

    • # 3

  Back in 2006, a guy in Oregon got really depressed, probably because he realized he lived in Oregon. He decided it was time to end his life and after ruling out faster, better, more proven alternatives, he decided he would end it all by shooting himself in the head with a nailgun (we've all been there, right?). We're going to go out on a limb and assume that he was probably a bit disappointed when the first nail pierced his skull and he found himself still alive and in Oregon.

  He was serious about ending it all though and kept pulling the trigger on the nail gun like a guy waiting for an elevator. By the time he was done, he had a dozen nails embedded in his head. It's unclear why he stopped but a good guess is because it really hurts to shoot nails into your skull.

  • 10 Mustache Styles That Must Be Stopped. Especially number two, the 'Finger Mustache'. The Running Gag of this article is that people don't actually look as cool as they think they do when wearing these mustaches. This represented by showing one picture of what you think you look like (which shows an image of a cool or stylish person) and what you actually look like (accompanied by an image of a geeky or creepy person). In number two, it shows the picture of the Finger Mustache for the 'what you think you look like' category. For the 'what you actually look like' category, it shows a picture of a douche. Literally.

 Astronaut 1: Oh Crap. This thing says the moon is hollow.

Astronaut 2: Weird.

(rumbling, then a monster emerges)

Moon Monster: REEEAWWHKRRR! (snatches up one of the astronauts in its talons)

Astronaut 2: Sweet! SWEET! This is why I became an astronaut! TO DIE LIKE THIS! EXACTLY LIKE THIS!

 Apache Chief: I can't believe it! A moon creature, as big as the--

Superman: THIS IS A JOB FOR SUPERMAN! (flies off)

Apache Chief: (indignant glare)

      • "Colossus, a Giant of Giants" summed up in two panels:

 (Superman and Apache Chief are watching as the Earth gets absorbed by a gigantic, stringy gray beard)

Superman: Is that, like, live? We're in a beard?! Who's filming this?! Haha this is fucking stupid. We should be dead.

Apache Chief: Hold on. I think I have a plan...

(Smash Cut to Apache Chief wrestling Colossus in space)

Apache Chief: INDIAN WRESTLING IN OUTER SPACE!!!

    • A comment sums up all of it up perfectly:

 What. The. Epic. Fuck?

 Hamburglar: "A census taker tried to test me once. I ate his liver with McNuggets and a vanilla milkshake. Rabble rabble."

  • This article about pregnancy has its Nightmare Fuel watered down by some funny image captions. Like the one about "cheeseburger crotch" which shows a horrified woman holding a cheesburger with this caption:
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