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Chang: Every once in a while, a student will come up to me and ask, 'Señor Chang, why do you teach Spanish?' They say it just like that. 'Why do you teach Spanish?' (Beat) 'Why YOU? Why not math? Why not cryptography? Why not martial arts?' I mean, surely, it must be in my nature to instruct you in something that's ancient and secret, like, oh, building a wall that you can see from outer space. Well, I tell you why I teach Spanish: it's none of your business, OK? And I don't want to have any conversations about what a mysterious, inscrutable man I am. I am a Spanish genius!
Abed: "Well, that's kind of my gimmick. But we did lean pretty hard on that last week... I guess I can lay low for an episode."
Abed: "Of course I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm Abed, I never watch TV."
(on the announcements that can only be heard in the library)(Jeff then enters the room to sitcom-style applause from the group)
Abed: "I like it, it makes every ten minutes feel like the new scene of a TV show, of course the illusion only last until someone says something they would never say on TV, like how much their life is like TV, there it's gone."
(one minute later)
Britta: "Believe me people are being killed in that country every day, and the worst part is, when it's all over -"
Britta "-it's going to be as if it never happened. Hey Abed, real stories, they don't have spoilers, you understand that TV and life are different, right?"
Senor Chang: "The difference between usted and tu is a matter of formality."
Chang: (points to Pierce)
Chang: "Pepe, usted es viejo. 'You are old.'"
Chang: (approaches Abed)
Chang: "Alberto: usted es feo... 'You are ugly.'"
Shirley: "Aw, no, you're not, Abed."
Chang: (looks at Shirley and pumps his fists toward his chest)
Chang: "Shakira... y..."
Chang: (looks at Troy while flashing Westside gang signs at him)
Chang: "Tupaco. Ustedes estan sucios- 'You are dirty.'"
Chang: "Still formal, but plural, because, while both are dirty, neither are my friends. Okay?"
Abed: "Okay, cool. So you guys are gonna Can't Buy Me Love me, right?"
Britta: "We're gonna what you?"
Abed: "You're gonna Can't Buy Me Love me. You know, transform me from Zero to Hero, Geek to Chic?"
Troy: "Ohhhhh, he wants us to Love Don't Cost A Thing him."
Troy: "Can't Buy Me Love was the remake for white audiences."
Shirley: "That's so uncomfortable when they do that, I can't believe they didn't insult anyone."
Jeff: "Alright. Nobody is Can't Buy Me Loveing or Love Don't Cost A Thinging anyone. Because we've all seen enough After School Specials..." (looks at Troy and Shirley) "...and Fat Albert..."
Jeff: "To know that Abed only- needs- to be- himself.
Jeff: "We’ve known each other for almost two years now. [Cut to an apparently haunted house] And yeah, in that time I’ve given a lot of speeches. But they all have one thing in common. [Cut to a Mexican town, where Pierce is held at gunpoint by drug-runners] They’re all different. These drug runners aren’t going to execute Pierce because he’s racist. [Cut to a disused railway station; Jeff is standing on a steam locomotive dressed as an old-fashioned conductor] It’s a locomotive that runs on us. [Cut to an outdoor aquarium] And the only sharks in that water, [Back to the haunted house] are the emotional ghosts that I like to call fear, [Cut to 'Caesar Salad Day'] anchovies, [Cut to the camping trip] fear and [Cut to an asylum, where everyone is wearing a straightjacket] the dangers of ingesting mercury. [Cut to bug-infested hotel] Because the real bugs aren’t the ones in those beds. [Back to 'Caesar Salad Day'] There’s no such thing as a free Caesar salad, and even if there were, [Cut to Abed's dormroom; everyone is wearing a black cape] The Cape still might find a second life on cable. And I’ll tell you why; [Back to Mexico; in Spanish] (the heart of the water is truth), [Back to the aquarium] that water is a lie! [Back to the asylum] Harrison Ford is radiating our testicles with microwave satellite transmission! [And finally, we're back to the study-room] So maybe we are caught in an endless cycle of screw-ups and feelings, but I choose to believe it’s just the universe’s way of molding us into some kind of super group."
Troy: "Like the Travelling Wilburys."
Jeff: ""Yes, Troy. Like the Travelling Wilburys, of pain."