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In fiction, sexual activities do not have to be realistic. They are not there to give people realistic expectations. So they may as well present rare luck, implausible stuff, and the downright impossible as being the average daily life that anyone should expect. At best, the authors tend to run on a mix of Rule of Fun, Rule of Sexy, LawOfConservationOfDetail, They Just Didn't Care, and let's-not-squick-people-out. With or without Lampshade Hanging. At worst, they Did Not Do the Research. Particularly common in porn fics, as disproportionately many are written by teenage girls, who are therefore very likely to be virgins/ Thus, welcome to the wonderful world of Hollywood Sex, where sexuality often works like this:


Everything I know about vanilla sex, I learned from the Movies

  • Everyone who has sex is gorgeous, unless it's a comedy with Ugly Guy Hot Wife. Otherwise, all active sex havers are beautiful people between the ages of 18 (and not a day younger) and 35, with an exception for somewhat older men who are super handsome. Girls who get laid regularly are Cookie Cutter Cuties. Any guy who does so is a hunk. Awkwardly tall girl? Shrimpy short guy? Going bald? Ugly? Fat? Got a fucked up face? Burn scars? Any kind of disfigurement? No sex for you, ever!
  • Married / settled sex is always boring and happens so rarely the genitals might as well have been removed at the altar or when the kid quota was met. Single sex is just thrumming and all the damn time. Most people aren't into just fucking strangers? Finding someone you like enough who likes you enough back to bang over just a course of a few minutes or hours of interraction is actually pretty rare? Bond does it all the time! IRL, most sex is had by married couples. Just being available for it does wonders for frequency; you may have more in the dating phase, but separation time, being single, and so on, really eat into the schedule.
  • No-one ever plans to have sex, unless they really plan and go all out with candles and rose petals. Characters never simply agree that after dinner they'll go shag. It's always an impromptu act of passion, emotion, and perhaps raging hormones. Once the commitment to sex has been made, it is impossible to delay the act, so you must rip each other's clothes off and be lucky if you make it to the bed. Nobody ever schemes to arrange a 45 minute gap alone for a good fuck n snuggle. Nobody ever books a Friday night round with their escort. Nobody every just designates Tuesday nights as sex night to keep up the frequency. Sex isn't just something someone does -- nobody ever asks, "Hey, wanna fuck?" Nope!
  • Nobody performing oral sex has any sense of taste. Porn stars seem capable of giving a blowjob regardless of where the penis has just been.
  • No dick ever has smegma, piss, or lint on it. No pussy ever has yeast, discharge, piss, lint, etc... In fact, genitals taste like candy!
  • Nobody ever dislikes the taste or smell of secretions or semen, and everyone always swallows nice and clean -- no juices everywhere, especially on faces, shoulders, arms, or chests, or in hair!
  • Stiff necks, tired jaws, and so on, just don't happen -- people can lick and suck however long they please in perfect comfort with ease.
  • No-one has difficulty getting into position. No-one ever gets pinched because an arm is in the wrong place, no awkward elbows or knees. It is not necessary to communicate to coordinate yourselves. Everyone will simply transition from one position to another as smoothly as Olympic gymnasts. Even if the lights are so dark that nothing can be seen. The exception is if extremely advanced positions are attempted, which in a comedy will result in hilarious injuries while in drama can result in accidental death.
  • Nobody ever has disagreements over positions. They just naturally mesh perfectly and wordlessly. Nobody ever scowls while they do doggy for the eightteenth time in a row because their partner dislikes being on top and is too insecure to show their stomach for missionary. Nobody ever comes to an agreement about how they're going to do it.
  • Lubrication is also not required. No matter how big or small, penetration will take no more than a brief grunt. Sexual organs are also auto-targeting and therefore will require no help finding the right orifice at the right angle. And it'll all go all in at once instead of needing to be gently worked it.
    • And when lube is used, it is sometimes dangerously improbable. Blood is popular in goth/vampire fiction, despite being the exact opposite of a lubricant (otherwise we'd all bleed to death from a papercut); sugary substances would get sticky after awhile and could cause a nasty yeast infection in a woman; oil would dissolve a latex condom, and alcoholic beverages would burn.
    • NOT using lube will result in pain for all involved. Thrusting into a dry, unarroused vagina is TERRIBLE for the man and the woman.
  • Anal is easy! No prep, no lube, no walking funny the day after! In fact, she may even be excited if he accidentally gets it in there instead of recoiling away and screaming "WRONG HOLE!" in a not insignificant amount of pain that might just end the session.
  • Impotence, if it occurs at all, is never a temporary or minor thing. If it happens, then angst must follow and serious steps must be taken to fix the problem. It never fixes itself if you relax and give it a minute. Nobody ever makes up for it with oral, manual, mutual masturbation, or toys -- the only sex that can occur with a man around is intercourse with his dick! In real life, erections are not like pizzas -- you can't just order them up exactly as you'd like on demand. It doesn't make him gay, or uninterested, or unfaithful.
  • Unless impotence occurs as mentioned above, men ALWAYS climax during sex with no trouble. Nobody has "death grip syndrome"[1].
  • Vaginas ALWAYS get wet, soaking wet. No foreplay, no kissing, no teasing, no pleasing -- they're just wet and aroused for full swing intercourse from the get go. A girl is never tense, or just dry that time, unless she's a virgin, a bitch, or a lesbian. Much like manboners, ladyboners cannot always happen on demand fo whatever reason, including none at all. And just like the distaff counterpart to this, nobody ever thinks to compensate with mouth, hands, breasts, etc...
  • If a couple can't have sex, the night is ruined. They can't kiss, make out, cuddle, talk, fondle, watch a movie, play videogames, go for a drive, try baking cookies. NO! They can't fuck, night is ruined!
  • Nobody ever takes care of contraception. A couple doesn't discuss it and consult with a medical professional. Nobody ever went to their GP and asked about birth control, took the info home to their lover, talked it out, made a decision, and then got that method. Nope, it's just either condoms or hope she doesn't get pregnant!
  • Nobody ever talks about sexual histories or VD when talking sex with a new partner, or talking about if they should try it without a condom the next time they do it.
  • Egregiously common in hentai that doesn't feature a pregnancy/impregnation fetish, the idea of a "safe day" when a woman can be inseminated without becoming pregnant. Even on a woman's safest day, there's a roughly 2% chance that she'll get pregnant if she has sex then. Granted, it's far lower than the roughly 85% chance on the 3 day envelope around her ovulation, but still, that's not nothing to worry about.
    • For the record, there's about a 10% random chance any random sex will get a woman pregnant if no countermeasures are used.
    • Birth control failure rates are given in percentages for a year of usage of that as the primary method. There isn't an 8% chance of your condom failing each and every time you do it -- there's just that chance that it could happen at some point over a year of bonking using condoms as your main method, unlike how some idiots claim, followed promptly by "and that's why I don't bother with condoms".
    • And getting a baby isn't as easy as it may seem. Clinically speaking, the period for a couple to conceive before any kind of medical flags are raised is a year of unprotected vagical sex without contraception.
  • If two people are in love and attracted, the sex will be effortless and amazing.
  • Pre-sex hygiene and post-sex clean-up are not required, except perhaps sharing a shower for romance reasons or a villain ordering his servants to give the captive damsel a pre-ravish cleaning. Condoms or fluids of any kind are assumed to be left to their own devices and do not need to be cleaned up/disposed of (there is no such thing as a urinary tract infection), and underwear will have regenerated by morning so that the participants can get out of bed in view of the audience. Vaginas and penises do not continue to leak fluids afterwards, and nobody ever needs to go pee afterwards.
  • Nobody suffers flatulence or similarly awkward noises during sex, despite this being a distinct possibility, what with people twisting their bodies or compressing their lower orifices slightly to get into certain positions, along with the loss of muscle control at certain points.
  • Nobody ever says weird stuff during sex.
  • Nobody ever makes weird faces during sex or while climaxing.
  • Couples always come at the exact same time. Unless:
    • If a man climaxes prematurely, his partner will be left unsatisfied, as it is impossible to continue sex or bring the partner to climax any other way.
    • The female orgasm is an elusive creature rarer than the rarest Mon. Women simply fake it to spare their partners' feelings, as if communicating what does and doesn't work would not make it as easy to climax as any man.
  • Socks simply don't exist, as there is really no way to remove them in a sexy fashion, nor is it sexy to leave them on. (Sexy to the mainstream, that is; foot fetishists didn't get a vote.) Hence the Sock Gap.
    • The exception being thigh-high or knee-high socks, which may be allowed to exist since they can be removed in a sexy fashion. With much panning down the legs and so forth.
  • Couples sharing true love have gentle, sweet sex; couples sharing a wild, passionate romance have, well, wild and passionate sex.
  • A woman's first time will always be bloody and painful, no matter how relaxed and horny she may be (and don't even mention foreplay). From her second time on, however, she'll be perfectly used to the sexual act and having multiple orgasms (and still no sign of foreplay).
  • A man's first time will either be super awesome if he's got a biggus dickus and he's hot. If not, it'll be awkward as fuck and he'll cum halfway into insertion. Nobody just ever has an okay first time, or fails to perform or orgasm. Truth be told, for the first dozen or so times a guy has sex, he's trying to just stay in and hard -- getting used to do it with a woman is very different than ones one hand in nearly every conceivable way.
  • Stables and barns are a perfect place to make love. They're not cold, dirty, or smelly in the least and those blankets that appear out of nowhere are always perfectly clean as well.
  • All couples huff and puff under special L-shaped bed sheets that reach the woman's upper chest but only the man's waist. However, often during the seventies and early eighties, many couples did so under unisex bed sheets that only reach the waists of both the man and the woman.
  • All male personal fitness trainers and instructors in anything are gigolos and when a woman signs up for lessons with him, she's paying him for sex, Invariably, the actual lessons are really foreplay.
  • The real reason why anyone goes to a day spa is to get a "Happy Ending" Massage and if not, the following hijinks will ensue:
    • If a man goes to a spa he will get an irresistibly-attractive masseuse who will gleefully give him sex that's impossible to turn down.
    • If a woman to a spa, she will get a naked irresistibly-attractive masseur and the mere act of being touch by his hands will make her uncontrollably horny and she'll be all over him.

Everything I know about BDSM, I learned from Comic Books and Fan Fiction

  • BDSM practitioners are all the same in interests and preferences. If you like it at all, you must be into everything that might be categorized as BDSM. There is no such thing as individual tastes or preferences. Either you are into BDSM or you are not: There's only two kinds of people: Vanilla and BDSM.
  • All BDSM is ultra hardcore. Nobody just ever likes giving a blowjob to someone whose only restriction is an improvised blindfold. Nope, it's all leather, whips, chains, and brands!
  • BDSM is just rape that the victim enjoys so much they forget to file charges and get addicted to.
  • BDSM is how abusive people like their sex, because it means taking control and inflicting pain.
  • Communication is totally unnecessary. Fictional masters seem to know their submissives' needs and limits better then the submissives themselves. So why waste time checking if the sub has any relevant medical conditions, phobias, or physical quirks, much less preferences? Right? Of course right.
  • Doms have ALL the power and the subs just have to take whatever they get. IRL, the subs have the power -- they set the rules, limits, activities. The dom can be as brutal as the sub permits. If the sub tells the dom to not do something, their word is law.
  • Related to the above, having a Safe Word might as well be redundant. If you do use one, you can safely assume it to be foolproof. Surely a person could never be too proud, scared, orgasmic, high on endorphines, or whatever to use one when they need it, right? So just keep running full throttle; as long as you don't hear a Safe Word, nothing could possibly be wrong.
    • This trope gets some real people into trouble with vanilla, too. "I never heard no/stop" is not a valid defense against rape charges. Very often, someone who is being raped will go quiet or still as an instinctual survival reaction. They may be too scared, or not really understand, or if they do know what's going on, let it happen without resistance because they don't see a way out or they're fearful of retaliation for asserting themselves. Erection/lubrication/orgasm doesn't mean consent, either.
  • Bondage is not only cool, but so cool that gravity itself defers to it. Go ahead, tie your sub just like the one in the comic book - leaning forward, with the only rope supporting them also pulling forward. Surely they won't fall?
  • On a related note, blood circulation seems to be optional. A person's body weight can easily rest on a thin rope that pulls the body in a really awkward position. Don't bother studying real shibari before trying suspension bondage, it's not like fanfic writers do!
  • If Bob is a bad person because he's into BDSM, then just why is it bad to be into BDSM? Well, obviously because a person like Bob is into it. We already know that he's a bad person, right? That's all we need to establish a Designated Villain or the premise that Evil Is Sexy... abusively so.
  • Whether one is a dominant or a submissive is 100% fixed and completely rigid. Switchable persons, in the world of Hollywood Masochism, are given the same treatment as bisexuals. Whilst in Real Life some practitioners of BDSM do have an exclusive preference for one role alone, this isn't true for all of them.
  • A true masochist enjoys all kinds of pain, and will eventually be happy to submit to anyone who is brutal enough. Surely a suddenly sprained wrist must feel orgasmic? Best way to start a healthy kinky relationship? Well, just force the kinky stuff on a complete stranger. If you can keep him from running away, you can add the relationship part, and upgrade to healthy later. Building trust and earning confidence is the easiest part, right? (Naturally, this works just fine for Vanilla romances as well!)
    • A girl with a rape fantasy actually WANTS to be raped and would really enjoy it if it happened. Just like how anyone who plays a first person shooter really does want to go to war and kill hundreds of people.
  • There is never any emotional aftercare. No sub, after being brutally fucked, hit, and berrated, ever needs a good hug and a cuddle afterwards to remember that they're loved and safe. No dom, after giving their sub hell, ever wanted to make their loved one feel okay and need some reassurances that they didn't hurt them or go too far, and that they're not a bad person for being willing to do some rough stuff in bed.
  • BDSM never results in ugly marks or discomfort that other people mistake for abuse.


Everything I know about fetishism, I learned from pornography and the plot-twist of detective stories.

  • Fetishism is the same thing as BDSM -- if you are turned on by leather, rubber, or high-heeled shoes, you are automatically into whipping as well. And vice versa.
  • If someone has a fetish, their entire life automatically revolves around it. Or better yet, their fetish is their life and entire identity. They exist only to be some alien object for others to stare at in one way or another.
  • If a person wears clothes in materials associated with fetishism, this person is either evil or only a sexual object without any relevant personality of her own.
  • On the other hand, fetishists who play with shoes or whatever (rather than wearing outfits) are automatically incapable of being evil or competent in anything malicious. Their lot in life is to be a Red Herring for cops and others to stumble over.
  • If you have a fetish, it must be incorporated every time you have sex. There's no such thing as a quickie.
  • All fetishes are taken well by the partner sooner or later. Nobody ever has a secret fetish that they don't want their partner to know about for whatever reason.

Everything I know about same-gendered sex, I learned from slash fiction and manga

  • For LGBT people in the world of Hollywood Sex, everything on the above lists might also apply.
    • Lubrication gets an honorary mention for gay male couples. It's not just anal sex, any hump-type fun can be ruined or prevented entirely by lack of lubrication. IRL, unlubed, unprepped anal = blood and pain for both.
  • In some settings, a person is either "normal" or "deviant". It's all or nothing. Thus, every homosexual is also a sadomasochist and fetishist. Hopefully it stops there.
  • In other settings, each character can have exactly one trait that deviate from the mainstream. Thus, it's not possible to be both gay and into BDSM. Or to be gay and Muslim. When being female is such a trait, it's also impossible to be a lesbian.
  • Conversion is easy! Whether you're gay or straight, all it takes to jump borders is some mind-blowing sex from the "right" one on that side. Whether you want it or not.
  • All same-sex couples have a dominant aggressive one on the giving end attempting to seduce the passive, submissive receiver. In other words, one is the "man" and one is the "woman." Male couples always have one Manly Gay Seme and one twinkish Uke. Female couples always have one Butch Lesbian and one Lipstick Lesbian. Nevermind that even straight couples don't all follow this dynamic; all gay people secretly want to be straight, right?
  • All gay and bi men enjoy anal sex and do it every time they're intimate. There is no other way two men can have sex (Oral? Mutual masturbation? What are these things?). And there's never foreplay. At most, they'll lovingly make out, then dive straight into the buttsecks.
  • That said, all gay men decide at birth whether they're a top or bottom (and develop personalities accordingly). There is no such thing as versatility.
  • An Uke's anus is a discount vagina, essentially. It even self-lubricates! Since it's located in the same vicinity as a vagina, so gay couples have zero problem getting into popular male/female sexual positions.
  • All bisexuals (if they exist) will sleep with Anything That Moves, because being attracted to both genders means they're not allowed to have any standards or physical preferences.
  • Lesbians always have long, well-manicured fingernails. Hopefully, the problems with this are self-evident.[2]
  • Then there's the other extreme where two women can only have sex using their fingers or other masturbatory aids, or the implication that two women don't have "real" sex if there's no penetration involved.
  • Only lesbians French kiss.
  • Oral sex is a must for lesbians. Whoever heard of a lesbian who doesn't like the taste of vulvas, or isn't comfortable having someone's mouth on her own?



For other ways things can go unnaturally smooth, compare and contrast Common Mary Sue Traits. While Mary Sue is a way to function socially and Hollywood Sex is a way to function sexually, they are both unrealistic in the same basic way. (Not to mention that Mary Sues tend to try their damn hardest to serve as Fan Service anyways...)

Notes

  1. When a man has trouble reaching orgasm outside his masturbation routine
  2. On the off-chance that someone reading this doesn't know: Long fingernails are not remotely practical if you're going to put them in or around somebody's orifices. It's painful for the receptive partner and just generally gets in the way.
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