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Original Novel

1971 Film

  • "I am now telling the computer EXACTLY what it can do with a lifetime supply of chocolate!"
  • "Hey I don't like the look of that tunnel up there! Hey Wonka, I want off!" "ROUND the world and home again! THAT'S the sailor's way!"
  • Any of the literary references or deadpan snarking. "Help. Police. Murder."
  • The moment where Grandpa Joe only just realises that one of the 'coat hangers' has snatched his hat off his head is freaking hysterical.
  • "I've got a blueberry for a daughter!" There is no way on earth that you can't say that which can't be funny as hell.
  • "It's your husband's life for your case of Wonka bars." "How long do I have to decide?"
  • Sam Beauregard concerns himself with Wonka's contract, and Wonka's response is bloody hysterical!
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Sam Beauregarde: Wait a second, what's all that small print?

Willy Wonka: Oh, if you have any problems, dial information. Thank you for calling.

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  • "My chocolate! My beautiful chocolate!"
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 Mrs. Gloop: Don't just stand there! Do something!

Wonka: Help. Police. Murder.

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    • I like the look on Grandpa Joe's face when Wonka said that.
  • You gotta love Wonka's funny Shakespeareian quotes. The best part is, they were just added for the fun of it!
    • The lines are the following quotations:
Cquote1

 "Where is fancy bred... In the heart or in the head?"

"We are the music-makers..." it's not from Shakespeare, but it's still great.

"Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker" isn't by Shakespeare either, but it's really funny anyway.

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Veruca: Hey, Daddy, I want a golden goose!

Charlie: Here we go again.

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  • While Veruca is going into her tantrum-induced musical number, and chaotically wrecks the room, Wonka just stands there...and looks utterly unperturbed by what he's seeing.
  • After Veruca falls down the shaft.
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  Willy Wonka: "She was a bad egg."

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  • "What is this, Wonka, some kind of funhouse?" "Why, having fun?"
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 Wonka: You can't get out backwards. You gotta go forwards to go back. Trust me.

Charlie: Hey, the room is getting smaller!

Mrs. Teevee: No it's not, he's getting bigger!

Veruca's dad: He's at it again.

Violet: Where's the chocolate?

Grandpa Joe: I doubt there is any chocolate.

Veruca's dad: I doubt any of us are gonna get out of here alive.

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  • "Stop squawking, you twit!"
  • "I've just decided to switch our Friday schedule to Monday, which means that the test we take each Friday on what we've learned during the week will now take place on Monday before we've learned it. But since today is Tuesday, it doesn't matter in the slightest."
    • Pretty much everything the teacher says, really. Ahem:
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  Teacher: Well, I can't figure out just two! So let's pretend you opened 200! Now, if you opened 200 Wonka bars, apart from being dreadfully sick, you would have used up 20% of the 1000 Wonka bars, which is 15% half over again, 10%...

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    • "Of course you don't know. You don't know because only I know. If you knew and I didn't know then you would be teaching me instead of me teaching you. And for a student to teach his teacher is presumptuous and rude, do I make myself clear?"
  • "The suspense is terrible! (beat) I hope it will last" always makes me giggle.
    • The look on Wonka's face when he says that helps.
  • Personally, I love this exchange.
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 Veruca: He's absolutly bonkers.

Charlie: And that's not bad.

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  • This exchange between Charlie and Grandpa Joe:
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 Charlie: (about Veruca) Why doesn't she listen to Mr. Wonka, Grandpa?

Grandpa Joe: Because, Charlie, she's a nitwit.

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    • In the audio commentary, one of the actors goes to some effort to draw attention to this Brick Joke that no one ever seems to notice (Violet calls Veruca a nit and a twit before Joe calls her a nitwit), only to completely miss the punchline.
  • "Daddy, I do not want a boat like this!" The one time she doesn't want anything!
  • The whole blending room scene prior to the Gobstoppers scene can be considered a Hurricane of Puns.
  • "What is this, a Freak-Out?"
  • "Let me in! I'm starving!"

2005 Film

  • Depp-Wonka gets at least one per every major room, and often between rooms.
  • After Violet's demise:
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 Violet's mother: But I can't have a blueberry as a daughter. How is she supposed to compete?!

Veruca: You could put her in a county fair.

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  • After the Elevator ruins Charlie's house by crashing into the roof...
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  Grandma Georgina: I think there's someone at the door.

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  • After Charlie tells Wonka to make up with his father:
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  Wonka: Y'know, I've got...walks into elevator door...to be more careful where I park this thing.

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    • Note, this is the second time he walks into the glass doors.
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  Wonka: Everything in this room is eatable. Even I am eatable, but that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is in fact frowned on in most societies.

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  Wonka: It's in the fridge, daddy-o! Are you hip to the jive? Can you dig what I'm layin' down? I knew that you could. Slide me some skin, soul brother!

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  MUMBLER!

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  • Mike Teevee's introduction, and Grandpa George flipping out.
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 Mike (on TV): I don't know. I hate chocolate.

George: Well, it's a good thing you're going to a chocolate factory then, you ungrateful little bu-

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    • Followed by Charlie's father covering his ears for some time, while George passionately goes on what we can only assume is one hell of a Cluster F-Bomb.
  • The puppet hospital.
    • And, as the impetus for that scene, director Tim Burton burning "It's a Small World" in effigy.
  • The bit where young Wonka is walking past lots of flags like he is traveling the world, but he's just in the flag room of the local museum.
  • When they reach the "Nut Sorting Room", Mr. Salt mentions that he's in the nut business as well and instinctively hands Wonka his business card. Wonka takes it and throws it away without looking at it all in a single motion while Mr. Salt obliviously continues talking.
  • Grandpa Joe tells Charlie about how he was a "much younger man" working in Wonka's candy shop 20 years earlier, when it's shown in a flashback that he looks exactly the same as he currently does.
    • Of course it wasn't that long ago.
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