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 "Oh, thank you, great-king-with-balls-of-fire,

king-whose-great-rod-my-mouth-yearns-for."

 "Go on, silver bitch. You may not yet stuff your mouth with my

wondrous rod."

Infamous Lord of the Rings fanfic that it is widely regarded as one of the worst fanfics ever written, to the point of Memetic Mutation. Celebri ­an, here spelled sans accent, is a briefly mentioned tertiary character in The Lord of the Rings (she's actually Elrond's wife in canon but she doesn't get any development) who gets kidnapped by orcs and is subjected to several forms of rape, Body Horror, and other Squick for over 21,000 words. It is widely regarded as really bad, but there are still others that find it comedic for [[Beyond the Impossible the extensive lengths it goes off the deep end]], along with the [[Narm sheer ridiculousness of the dialogue and prose]]. Either way, reading it is regarded as something of an endurance test - finish reading "Celebrian", and you can read just about anything.

Several complaints are not that it is BAD, but that it is DULL;

 "When I'd finally psyched myself up to read it, I could hardly get

past the first page, not because I was so disgusted, but because it was so inordinately DULL. How is it possible to make so much porn so freaking BORING?"

It can be found [[http://web.archive.org/web/20010423131650/http://www.greyarchive.com/Celebrian.htm here]], if you want to give it a shot. You'll probably also need some Brain Bleach. Needless to say, it's NSFW.

Some brave soul decided to do Celebrian's first dramatic reading. Here's the Intro. Needless to say, they start going quite insane by the second part. And the fifth. And the sixth, where the reader becomes drugged on NyQuil.


This fanfic provides examples of:

  • A-Cup Angst: When Celebrian first meets the goblin/orc king, she is

supremely disappointed that her small breasts which are beautiful by elven standards do not please him.

mind the warts on top of zits on top of carbuncles on top of unnamed bumps.

    • EVERYTHING.
  • Breast Expansion Celebrian's bust becomes monstrously large halfway

through the story.

Nightmare Fuel and Squick you just can't look away.

  • Canon Defilement: In spades.
    • You don't hear much of it in the main story, and not all the action

is detailed, but Celebrian actually was kidnapped, tortured, and poisoned by Orcs in the backstory to The Lord of the Rings. That in no way excuses the Canon Defilement or the existence of this work.

lavender labia.

  • Eye Scream: After [[spoiler: giving so many orcs blowjobs, Celebrian

eventually develops mouths on her eyelids]].

    • Actually, [[spoiler: those are just tattoos. Still pretty squick

though.]]

possible for the reader to imagine how exactly they fit on her torso.

 "No, bitch. You know the rules. Name thyself."

She stared at the cruel king. Then slowly and deliberately, she

named herself.

 "Cock-sucker. Ball-licker. Cum-drinker. Cock-lover. King's-sheath.

Dick-sucker."

you call that "romance", at least.

implied when Celebrian becomes [[spoiler: uninterested in her husband's small, wartless penis and begins to pine for something...larger and wartier]].

survive it while still retaining one's sanity. Assuming, of course, you don't have some very odd fetishes, that is.

yet, and is already deeply disturbed by the images this page has created.

    • When Celebrian returns to her elven land she finds that

ice cream tastes exactly like the Goblin/Orc king's cum [[spoiler: and proceeds to eat A LOT OF IT]]. Good incentive to go dairy free after reading this fic?

referred to as "C*l*br**n" or "C*l*b*i*n".

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