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  • This.
  • Pretty much every closing statement Alan Shore makes is TV Tropes Made of Win Archive, but his devastating Take That against Scientology is a whole new level of Awesome. Suffice it to say it consists of him simply stating the beliefs of Scientologists, and standing back to let it metaphorically hang itself. And then he farts. Far, far better than it sounds.
    • This troper would argue his suit against a group that claims it can 'cure' homosexuality is even better, he actually starts it by attempting to get on a soapbox then 'diagnoses' the jury with various innocuous diseases. All this is just a run up to a huge rant about 'selling sickness'.
  • Not to mention the first time Alan crossed verbal swords with the sleazy, overtanned, Texas credit-card lawyer.

 Alan Shore: That's okay. I think I've got it. You find people in dire straits and market directly to them with the hope of forming a lifelong relationship. I had a former client who kind of operated his business the same way.

Attorney Melvin Palmer: Really? What line of work was he in?

Alan Shore: He sold heroin.

 Denny Crane: Look, I can't bring myself to defend a man who killed a thirteen-year-old girl.

Ronald Jessel: Oh, come on, man. Probably did her a favor. I got AIDS, Denny Crane. She could have had a lot of suffering ahead because I really went to town. You know what I mean? She's probably lucky I ended it quick.

Denny Crane: Well, if you really have AIDS, there could be other psychological defenses available to us.

Ronald Jessel: Yeah.

Denny Crane: Like, ah, traumatic distress, insanity, perhaps. On the other hand... [pulls out a gun from his briefcase]

Ronald Jessel: What are yo—?

[Denny shoots Jessel in the kneecaps; the prison guards hear the sound and come rushing in]

Denny Crane: It was an accident. He came at me. I feared for my life. He should probably get new counsel. [looks at the guy clutching his bloody knees, and smiles] Denny Crane.

      • And just before that:

 [handing Jessel his business card and giving him the most Shatnery look of disgust possible]

Denny: Hope you die. Denny Crane.

      • Not a closing statement per se, but Alan's speech against the Chinese investors that took over the law firm and fired all the main characters was so awesome that every other member of the Bunny Ears Lawyer club was very proud of him and it got their jobs back.
  • When Jerry is called a "Demento" by an annoying guy in a coffee shop. Naturally, his Berserk Button is hit, and he chucks a blueberry muffin at the guy's head. When the guy goes to throw a punch, Jerry knocks him out and breaks his nose in one shot. He then continues to do a victory dance and executes a Theme Tune Cameo.
  • The gang are positive that Shirley has been kidnapped, by a former client, though they have no solid proof to give to the police. Alan Shore, who for reasons unknown is not aware of any of this, walks in and, upon being told what's going on, announces that he is going to call the cops within the minute saying that the client in question called him confessing to the kidapping, thus giving them probable cause. All in the most high-flown voice imaginable and without batting an eye. Totally fucking awesome.
    • And let's not forget when Shirley headbutted said kidnapper. Headbutted him! "FUCK YEAH" doesn't even begin to cover it.
  • The episode where Alan has to defend the right for the daughters of a truly revolting white supremacist family (think the Osmond family meets the Westboro Baptist Church by way of Stepford) to sing racist songs. He wins, but when the two daughters try to thank him by serenading him with "Michael Row The Boat Ashore", (an African American spiritual, of all songs!), he cuts them off with "You do know that Michael was a homosexual Jew from Mexico, right?" and sends them out of the room with barely a glance. Crowning Moment of Awesome, Crowning Moment of Funny, and the only time I've ever been in favour of attempting to make little girls cry.
  • Denny and Alan are in Canada, helping Alan get over his breakup with Tara. They decide to go storm into a Canadian trial, in full regalia.

 Judge: Mr Shore, we do not wear wigs in Canada. (beat). Nor do we wear waders.

    • And then later in the same scene:

 Alan: Knowing as I do that we Americans are known for our shock-and-awe tactics, I will leave you with these two mesmering words.

Denny: Denny Crane, eh?

  • When Jerry was going to be interviewed to become a managing partner, things looked really bad for him. He's really strange - picture Biscuit from Ally McBeal and you won't be very far away from the truth. Katie tried to put a good word for him, but she inadvertedly screwed things more. The voting partners were mostly old snobbish assholes, but when they were ready to shoo Jerry off, Denny Cranne came in the room and said "My name is Denny Crane. See the door? It says Crane, Poole and Schmidt. I'm one of the founding partners of this law firm. Poole isn't here. Schmidt isn't here. There's only Crane left. This guy (pointing to Jerry) is already a partner, or I'm outta here. Goodbye. My name is Denny Crane." Suffice to say, Jerry was a partner by the end of the episode.
  • Also: "Knee! Right Foot! Left Foot! Thank God for guns, eh Jerry?"
  • Alan is punched in a bar. He nonchalantly walks to the other end of the bar and pays several men a hundred dollars each to beat the guy's face in. Other people excitedly ask if they can get in on it, and he continues to pay them for every punch.
  • Brad and Denise impersonating FBI agents to rescue the little kid abducted by the pedophile. The spoilered bit in Crosses the Line Twice is only a fraction of it. Also kind of heartwarming, if you think about it -- two bigshot lawyers risk jail time, to say nothing of their careers, to screw the rules and do what's right. And they do it without a second of hesitation.
  • Jerry Espenson manages to stage a single crowning moment of both awesome and fail by holding a knife to his employer's throat and then legally maneuvering a law firm into a position where they had to take him back instead of pressing charges.
  • Katie prays with the church. It's better then it sounds.
  • Alan's epic "The Reason You Suck" Speech to the Supreme Court.
  • Alan Shore to an odious, faux-folksy Texas credit card company lawyer.

  "You know, we have a little saying in Massachusetts: 'Maybe someday you'll get horribly sick and die.' Until then!"

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