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  • Ezio has a rare moment of embarrassment when discussing his 'self-expression' with his own mother:

 Ezio: I have plenty of outlets!

Maria: I meant besides vaginas.

Ezio: Mother!

  • Any cutscene with Ezio and the prostitutes is guaranteed to cause chuckles.
  • "I've always had a soft spot for women in distress."
  • "It's a-me, Mario!"
  • When Ezio gets his first assassin's blade, Leonardo da Vinci brings up the fact that he'll have to remove his ring finger as a 'sacrifice'. Leonardo then grabs a large butcher's knife and bringing it down very close to said finger, before revealing that Altaïr had found a way to avoid the finger removal and that he'd just been amusing himself.
  • "What. The. Fuck."
  • One of the Assassin's Tombs lets you eavesdrop on a pair of guards, one of them given to incredibly paranoid ramblings, much to the other's annoyance.
  • After pestering Shaun Hasting for conversation, he eventually runs out of dialogue, and just starts greeting the player with "Hello, Desmond. Go away."
  • Somebody was having fun writing Caterina Sforza's speech taunting her children's kidnappers, which gets more obscene, more gruesome and more hilarious as she builds up steam.
    • It should be noted that most of that speech was real - as in, something she actually said during a siege, obscenities and all.
      • Watch it in all its hammy glory here (the good stuff starts at 7:35).
    • On a related note, Shaun refers to Caterina as a "lunatic warrior mother".
    • One of the best moments is when she yells "Go ahead, take my children! I have the instrument to make more!" and then flashes the Orsi brothers. And the best part is that she actually did this!
  • Earlier, Machiavelli informs Ezio that Caterina's husband was working for the Templars, to which Ezio says "I'm sorry to hear that." The funny part is Caterina airily replying that he shouldn't be because she had him killed. There's audible terror in Ezio's voice as he replies.
  • Bartolomeo, Boisterous Bruiser and Large Ham, whose speech in prison is nearly as funny as Caterina's. Other moments of his include being unsure whether to kiss Ezio for freeing him or slap him for taking so long about it (neither option enthuses Ezio), rampaging through the streets of Venice beating guards to death with a broom and bellowing about his need to smash heads, and introducing Ezio to his gigantic sword, Bianca, by pointing it directly at Ezio's nose.

 Bartolomeo: Ezio, meet Bianca. Bianca, Ezio!

Ezio: (carrrrefully moving the point with his finger) ...Charmed.

    • The "meeting" with Bianca is later recalled in Brotherhood, when Bartolomeo calls for his wife and Ezio asks, "Did you check behind the table?" To Ezio's surprise, this time around the wife is an actual live human woman.
  • Each and every time Ezio uses a springboard in Oltrarno District.
  • The occasional news from the heralds include a bunch of youngsters baring their posteriors.
    • They also mention how people have started climbing buildings for sport (including Ezio), and say that though it isn't illegal, it's all fun and games until somebody breaks a leg...
  • Ezio, during the Nightcap mission early on in the game, makes a late-night calling to one of his many girlfriends, Christina. When she invites him in through her bedroom window, we are treated to this exchange:

 Christina: Only for a minute.

Ezio: A minute is all I need!

Christina: Mmm, indeed.

Ezio: Wait, that came out wrong...

    • As part of the tutorial, the player is introduced to fleeing from enemies when Ezio and Christina are caught by her father. As Ezio runs for his life, he desperately pleads for mercy, claiming that it's Not What It Looks Like (even though it most certainly was), including this gem:

 Ezio: I'm mostly innocent!

  • Jerking the NPCs around can result in funny dialogue:

 Minstrel (while being grabbed): Let go of me! You have no appreciation for the arts!

  • After Ezio kills a guard who was beating Leonardo, he asks what he should do with the body. Leonardo's response is to take it inside and "put it with the others". Granted, there turns out to be a reasonable explanation, but the line can still get you if you're not expecting it.
  • When Desmond views the memory of Altair chasing Maria, he makes a...disturbing realization.

 Desmond: Wonder what he wants with her... Altair and Maria start kissing

Desmond: Whoa...Alright, wasn't expecting that... Cut to Altair and Maria on the floor, with Altair jumping off the tower

Desmond: Wait a second...Why aren't I following Altair? I'm stuck here with Maria. Oh shit! That must mean...

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