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  • Roger (when he first meets the frat boys at Hayley's college): Hi, could you please help? I'm not drunk.
  • Klaus: (head suddenly fills majority of screen) HA!! I made it into the episode!! PAY ME, BITCHES!!
  • This exchange from "Threat Levels":

 Stan: What I'm saying is... you're fired!

(A berated cough is heard offscreen, with a hand jutting in front of Stan, signaling Stan to pay him)

Stan: Oh, for god's sake, someone please pay Mr. Trump!

  • In the pilot when Stan freaks out and shoots the toaster apart, to which Hayley states "It's just toast, Dad."
    • When Stan and Francine are making out and Klaus tries to tell Francine that she and him are meant to be together, after which Stan pours fish flakes into his bowl and Klaus exclaims "Happy hour!" before pigging out.
    • After Francine declares she's putting Roger on a diet Roger gets on the kitchen table and it collapses under his weight, after which he says "Oh god, I got a bear claw in my ass".
    • When Stan is giving Hayley a body check and he pulls a pack of gum out of her pocket, he throws it thinking it's a grenade but it doesn't explode and he says "It's just gum".
    • When Stan tries to help Steve get a girl he steals her purse so Steve can get it back, but gets carried away and runs out of the mall, jumping out a window and crushing a car on the way down. Smash Cut to him driving Steve home with glass shards in his face.
    • When Steve becomes student body president he summons the school mascot (a buffalo) and rides him. When he's done he wants to ride the lunch lady.
  • -->(Stan touches himself while applying ointment) Stan: AAAAEEEEYYYUUUUGHHH! AAAAEEEEYYYUUUUGHHH! (The sound of Stan's cries of pleasure reverberate into the next valley, causing an avalanche)
  • The entire chase scene from "Francine's Flashback" with Stan trying to kill a raccoon like he did when they were young, only this time he's trying to do it deliberately instead of accidentally. The best part is that after Stan leaves the raccoon is revealed to have survived.

 Steve: (reading curator's dying message) In the elf condom... what does it mean?

Unnamed P.I.: I'll tell you what it means. It means that we're looking for a horny midget who plays it safe! Come on, boys!

  • That episode of Steve getting addicted to becoming a Vietnam War recreationist. Roger gets in on the fun by torturing Stan by reading the first draft of the Sex and the City movie script.

 Roger: "Samantha's story got me thinking. If I fell, would Big be there to catch me?"

[Stan screams in anger]

  • Roger getting thoroughly thrashed by the Taco King in "All About Steve." For no apparent reason.
  • Francine's Imagine Spot in "Surro-Gate" would be mildly amusing if not for its ending where Francine imagines Stan coming at her with a cheetah... carrying a chainsaw.
  • In "Brains, Brains, and Automobiles" Francine trying to teach a bi-polar space cop (Roger) to make iced tea. She starts talking to him very patiently, playing along with him. Suddenly, Roger grabs Francine's head and starts slamming it in the fridge door while screaming "I'm off my meds!"
  • In "Wife Insurance" Stan and his partner Jim get held captive in Colombia. Jim manages to get them out of their cell by romancing the female guard, just by singing some lyrics from "I Need To Know" by Marc Anthony, gyrating his body, and giving her a certain look. The guard moans in utter ecstasy and frees the two. As they escape, they run into another female guard, Jim does the same thing, and he starts having sex with her in the guard tower. The first guard is standing outside with Stan, barely able to contain herself and fidgeting like she has to pee before Stan tells her to "just go".
    • Heck, the entire episode counts. The pre-mission checklist, Wheels and the Legman (banana a dink a dink!), Francine with the Flag Cleaner, then Bullock, then Father Carrington, Jim porking his way through 200 miles of jungle, Stan's backup wife Meg, Barry being interrogated by Roger and Steve using the Bad Cop/Bad Cop method, Jim doing a handstand with a screen-blur, Reggie the CIA Koala, Klaus facing the Scales of Lady Justice, Stan breaking up with Meg, Reggie again, Lady Caroline Lawson and Alejandro Rojas, the ending fight. On their darkest day they are Scooby Doo... maybe Quincy.
  • In "100 A.D." when Stan reads Hayley's note telling him she and Jeff are getting married, Stan gets so angry, the note burns up in his hand and he flies around the world to reverse the flow of time. Or at least he thinks he does.
    • When Stan puts up a reward for anyone who can catch Hayley and Jeff, a bus full of minor characters gets ready to go find them... then reverses through a gate and off a cliff, exploding upon hitting the road, causing the death counter to go from 1 to 97. The explosion then launches the theme park mascot in a bullet suit that shot Stan in a previous episode into the sky.
      • Later on he lands and pierces Stan's Satanist friend in the chest, killing him. A circle of fire them appears and drags them both into Hell.
    • Later on when Steve and Roger (as Wheels and Legman) are driving, Roger becomes strung out on Turkish amphetamines that he dropped into his eye earlier and soon enough goes on a Mushroom Samba and cheese puff binge. When Steve tries to talk to Roger he assumes he is calling him "Legs" because he broke his legs and asks him "What did you do to my legs, you Nazi walrus bastard?!" and appropriately sees him as just that, and also sees Klaus as Garfield and they're driving across an alien landscape.
  • Stan: "I swear yo, shorty be leaning on my last nerve."
  • Nut Punch, BLOCKED, Counter Nut Punch!
  • There's the dramatic car chase to soothing Mexican music, and Stan emptying an entire bottle of horseradish on his steak in "Roy Rogers McFreely". Topped later in the episode when Roger rips off his Paper-Thin Disguise and goes "It was me, Roger, the whole time." Stan nearly rolls his eyes out of his head.
    • Which followed from Francine, upon discovering that two cars were about to drive through the living room, shouts "No!" and closes the curtains. As if that would stop them.
  • The episode where Stan tries to sneak into Heaven and is informed that the last guy who tried that was Jim Henson, "and we all know what happened to him." Cue a cutaway scene to Jim Henson and Kermit the Frog trapped inside the Phantom Zone from the first two Superman movies.

 Jim Henson: Forgive us!

Kermit: You will bow down before me, Son of God!

  • The episode "Joint Custody" where, through a series of coincidences, Stan and Roger are high, and stopped at a convenience store. The whole sequence is one, but the part where Stan is just staring at a shelf of chips while cheesy muzak plays in the background for an absurd length of time caused me to shoot milk out of my nose. The thing is, I hadn't drunk any milk, it was so funny.
    • That episode is an entire Crowning Moment of Funny. From Stan's checklist on being high to Roger floating away when he drops a bag of cat food. (It (sort of) Makes Sense In Context.)
  • "Stan, honey, that's a closet."
  • "I GOT BEATEN UP BY A TACO."
    • Roger: WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE THE JUICE?!
  • "Steve fell off a ladder, now he's dead inside, we're going to go save America."
  • Steve thinking giant bumblebees are hovering over their house (It's actually a blimp). His enthusiastic tone makes the line all the more hilarious.

 Steve: (Excited) Giant bumblebees! They've come at last!

  • And this exchange in the episode "Office Spaceman":

 Stan: (as he's cleaning Roger's protoplasm off the bathroom stall) Ugh, it's everywhere! How could you just leave it like this?

Roger: (staring in the bathroom mirror) Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary...

Stan: Roger!

Roger: (turns around) AAH! SHE'S RIGHT BEHIND ME!

 Roger: Shut the trunk, I'm sneaking into the drive-in! *passes out*

  • "Oh, like you've never overshot a freeway before! *notices a herd of Compys scampering by* "Aww, look how cute!" *A Tyrannosaurus Rex viciously devours the herd in five seconds flat*
  • "I'm not trying to kill you! I'm just a drunk driver!"
  • *Roger viciously kicks a nine-year-old in the nuts* *Roger then proceeds to weakly push over the nine-year-old's bike, giving a strained "Eeeauh!"*
  • This little exchange from "It's Good to Be the Queen":

 Roger: Hey, with this mortar launcher, we can get back at the kid who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye.

Steve: Oh, I wish I could get back at him. I'm gonna dress up as a girl and get him to have sex with me and then say "Ha! I'm not a girl! You just had sex with a boy that hates you!"

Roger: Yes, let's leave that plan between you, me, and the string of therapists who won't be able to help you.

    • Later on the scene where Jeff is terrified at the sight of a hallucination of himself in a diving suit carrying a harpoon.
    • Klaus lists what Star Wars characters would play which instruments in a band and forgets Yoda until Hayley points it out.
  • Stan: "I don't need you to make me breakfast! All I need is my clock and my rocket boot. Oh, what time is it? TIME TO KICK IT!" *puts on sunglasses and red top hat while jamming to "911 Is A Joke" by Public Enemy*
  • Francine: "NO! BACK AWAY! SHOO! THIS ONE'S FOR THE HERMIT CRABS!"
  • In Star Trek, Stan was threatening Mr. Durbin's family and demanding to know why he is failing Steve and he was shouting.
  • "Burning MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!"
    • "When I heard about this 'Burning Man,' I said to mienself, ROAD TRIP!! Also, Stan, I could not hold mein pipi." "PTOOOOOOO!!"
  • In 'The People vs. Martin Sugar', when Roger is going to jail, he keeps telling jokes, the bus driver is laughing and he tries to control the car. Finally he loses control of the bus and it crashes into a ditch. Then when a police car comes, Roger throws dirt at the officer and kicks him in the crotch, and steals his car. Roger laughs at the joke he just thought then he himself loses control of the car, and crashes into the ditch right near the bus, another police car comes, Roger does what he did with the other officer (already told you, try to remember), and then he steals his car and this time crashes it into the bus.
  • The entire subplot of You Debt Your Life. Espically when Barry gets a chance to do the announcements.
  • This scene from A Pinata Named Desire:

 Snot: LEARN ENGLISH! LEARN ENGLISH!

Toshi: EAT... MY... BOWLS!

  • In "Haylias", while Hayley is beating up Stan on top of the limo and knocks the gun out of his hand, he shouts "Gun! Call for help!". It's easy to miss, but makes me chuckle no matter how I felt beforehand.
    • Bullock's Oh Crap moment from the same episode. Even though you are feeling exactly how he is feeling, you can't stop laughing because it is Patrick-effing-STEWART furiously yelling for his car- in Spanish.
  • In the episode where Stan supposedly goes insane and abandons the family after a car salesman keeps swindling him, Hayley and Francine try to make money cleaning houses. Unfortunately, their first house is a woman who believes them to be a couple of Mexican immigrants. As they're cleaning her bathroom, she yells at them "La toilet. La toilet! No es poopoo!". Francine asks if she wants them to clean the toilet, and she repsonds "No! NO! No es poopoo!". Then she threatens to call INS because she thinks one of them broke her coffee maker.
  • The episode where Roger gives Steve a chopstick, calls it a wand, and convinces him that he was invited to Hogwarts. The address Roger gave him was really a crackhouse, and Steve STILL believes it's Hogwarts. Needless to say, Hilarity Ensues.

 Dealer: Lavate los manos![1]

Steve: Ooh, is that a spell? *pointing chopstick wand* Lavate los manos!

Dealer: Lavate los manos!

Steve: Lavate los manos!

Dealer: LAVATE LOS MANOS!

Steve: LAVATE LOS MANOS!

  • From Phantom of the Telethon:

 Roger: The bomb is disarmed!!

  • everyone cheers*

Roger: That's what I'm gonna say when I disarm the bomb!

Stan: ROGER!!

  • Roger turns off bomb*

Roger: The arm is disbombed!! ...dammit!!

  • The entirety of Pulling Double Booty, but especially this part:

 Hayley: Let's ask her! You could do her, then I could do you, then I could do her while you watch.

Stan: ...You used to watch Sesame Street.

  • Roger backing into his TV and breaking it. Then he takes an inhale and gets electrocuted.
  • From the hurricane episode there's Stan's increasingly moronic attempts to protect the family, including getting a bear to kill a shark after the house floods, which backfires when they start working together to kill the Smiths ("They're brothers in arms", as Steve puts it), trying to electrocute them using two cables and electrocuting Roger instead, then trying to harpoon the shark and harpooning Francine's right shoulder instead.
    • The high point comes when Stan harpoons Francine. The bear, let us repeat, the freaking bear stops trying to kill the Smiths, and shakes his head at Stan, giving a look that just screams "Dude, really?"
  • In License To Till, Roger puts a sausage in Steve's pants. When a blind guy comes with an seeing-eye dog, it smells the sausage. Then it cut its rope and started biting his pants.
  • Bullock: Where... the hell... IS MY SANDWICH?!
  • This:

 Stan: Things that you eat! Things that are fruit! Oh, oh things that you peel! Aaah, I'm halfway through the pyramid!

Klaus: You are watching The Price Is Right.

Stan: Shut up Hayley! Oh, oh, oh, things that wears pants!

  • THE INTERNET IS DOWN!
  • From Oedipal Panties, Stan's trying to get to the airport to kidnap his mother's boyfriend and Francine's trying to stop him. (It Makes Sense in Context), Francine ends up getting there first via the freeway and Stan gets stuck on a street, the following dialogue ensues.

 Stan: Excuse me, just trying to merge, just trying to- *other car honks* FUCK YOU! *drives into a closed off roadworks area and continues trying to merge* Just trying to merge, not trying to get ahead of anybody *another car honks* FUCK YOU!

  • "I'M SICK OF YOUR LIES ABOUT COBURN!" Said (shouted) while Stan's head and shoulders are sticking out of Francine's garden.
  • In "A Ward Show" Steve gets beat up by several teachers. Roger retaliates by planting bombs in their cars. After the first two's cars explode, the third tries to run away, then suddenly HE explodes leaving behind only his legs.
  • "Good girls don't kiss on the first date. Your mother didn't kiss me until out third date, which made the sex on our first two dates seem really impersonal."
  • SO JEALOUS! *SLAM*
  • Stan's Booty Shakin'dance.
  • Roger's "Jeannie Gold" persona, full stop. And "Valik".
  • Francine tries to have another kid with Stan:

 (Stan wakes up in the middle of the night, Francine's giving him a suggestive smile)

Stan: RAPE! SUCCUBUS!

  • Roger's violent revenge against the guys who stiffed him for a limo ride:

 Klaus: You're really going to kill five people over twenty dollars?!

Roger: Are you really asking that to the guy who just last week killed six people over nineteen dollars?

  • I PRAYED TO A FREAKIN ELEPHANT!!!
    • How am I going to explan that to Jesus?
  • In one of the many Christmas episodes, After the Smith family (excluding Klaus and Roger) hugs, the angel that has been forced to help Stan throughout the episode appears by the window, then Roger appears and sees her. Insteading of being alarmed, he has this drunken exclamation:

 Roger: There's a flying hooker watching you hug. Go away hooker! *twirls around and then falls face first to the floor*

  • This Gem:

 Stan: (Is pepper sprayed) My eyes! (Backs into a table) My back! (Sees wilted flowers) My begonias! (Turns on radio by accident) My Sharona! (Backs into TV, turning it on) My Best Friend's wedding-Augh my eyes again!

  • This little exchange from "Oedipal Panties":

 Francine: (angry) Stan's mom is here after being dumped for the billionth time.

Roger: Oh, Betty's here? I love her.

Francine: You don't even know her. Every time she visits, you're plastered.

Roger: (gasp) I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. (flashback to Christmas Eve, Stan is comforting his crying mother. Roger crashes in through the window on a rope, holding a bottle of booze and knocking the Christmas tree over.) TACOS! (beat) Who's crying? (falls asleep, snoring)

 Roger: Cops already? What, are we next door to a freakin' Krispy Kreme?

Stan: You're thinking about donuts now?

Roger: No, I'm just saying the cops got here fast.

Stan: What the hell do fast cops have to do with a Krispy Kreme?

Roger: Because cops love donuts!

Stan: You're not making any sense!

 Stan: (Watching The $100,000 Pyramid) This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?

Klaus: An elevated blood-alcohol content.

(Scene changes)

Stan: (Drunk) Things you eat. Things that are fruit. Oh, oh, things you peel! Ah, I'm halfway up the pyramid.

Klaus: You're watching The Price is Right.

Stan: Shut up, Hayley!

  • From The American Dad After School Special:

 Stan: (looking at the TV) That's one impressive man. Handsome, fit, the whole package.

Roger: That's great, Stan. Can we stop staring at your reflection in the TV and actually turn it on now?

  • During the montage of Francine's life at the beginning of "Fart-break Hotel" there's a part where she's vacuuming the living room and Stan, dressed in hunting gear and covered in blood, pulls in a live deer and shoots it in the head behind the sofa.
  • During Stan's flashback to his prom:

 Guy #1: It's all set, right?

Guy #2: It's gonna be just like in Carrie. (Pulls rope; several squealing pigs fall on Stan)

Guy #1: Pigs? It was supposed to be pig's blood!

Guy #2: I didn't finish the book.

Guy #1: You stopped reading after the word "pigs"? That wasn't even the end of the sentence!

  • Here we go, mac and cheese. (reads box) "Boil water." What am I, a chemist?
  • "Things are getting too spicy for the pepper."
  • "Where's Roger?" "I saw him heading into your study with a sledgehammer and a watermelon." "There has to be an explanation -- maybe it's Gallagher Day!" "DO YOU SEE A GALLAGHER TREE, FRANCINE?!"
  • After being fooled by Roger too many times, Francine wants to attempt the dance move. This time, she said "I haven't been entirely honest with you," and threw him off a cliff.
    • "I had the keys with me you STUPID BITCH!"
  • In the episode where Stan is looking for Oliver North's gold, at one point he starts eating the dirt at the bottom of the hole. Francine (watching on a camera with the kids, Greg, and Terry) says they need to stage an intervention...at which point Stan kicks open the kitchen door, plunks a crate full of gold on the table, and gives everyone in the room a double deuce. Then after he leaves, he pokes his head back in to flip them off once more.
  • "Frannie 911" has Francine slapping Roger with a sea bass, and later Roger verbally destroying Steve's alleged "breakdance". Also:

 Roger: Francine! Open the door, you bitch!

  • INTERCOURSE
    • FOREPLAY THEN INTERCOURSE
  • Stan's new dog gets crushed by a hot air balloon full of pirate cats. In order to keep it alive he goes to a clandestine surgeon...who turns the dog into an affront to God.
    • Later on he kills the dog by blowing him up, and he goes to Dog Heaven with Stan's first dog from when he was a kid. While they're driving a boat Stan's first dog kills a sea dragon with an RPG, telling the second that he has to deal with them occasionally.
  • In "Less Money, Mo' Problems", Rodger and Steve driving past Klaus in a ferrari with him saying "Oh come on you guys!" in slo mo comeplete with a Jaw Drop.
    • Stan trying to eat a burger he found in a dumpster only for it to get stolen by the Hamburobber.
  • In "Daddy Queerest" Stan complains to Terry's father Tank that he can't denounce his son's gay lifestyle in front his fans. Tanks then tells him that the drunk spectators will cheer at anything and demonstrates like so...
    • "I MADE A BEER FART!!!"
    • That's not how a straight guy faints. This is how a straight guy faints! (collapses on the floor)
  • When one of Hayley's kidneys die after a night of binge drinking, she brays like a donkey before blacking out.
    • Before that there's her left kidney's melodramatic death and her right kidney mourning over it.
  • In the episode "Shallow Vows", Roger is masquerading as a wedding planner named Jeanie Golde. Later on, he delivers this line:

 Roger: Stan, remember the first rule of any wedding is that the bride is always beautiful. The second rule you can read on my website. You have to be eighteen to log on. I have some sexy barnyard stuff on there that is NOT for everyone; I could get in a lot of trouble. If you do decide to check it out, you need to clear your history right away. You may need to uninstall your browser - I'm telling you, scrub that thing clean. If you think you're being too cautious, you're not - they will take us both to jail.

  • The episode 'Home Wrecker' has a small running gag with Hayley opening a tilted cupboard in the kitchen, only for plates to fall on her head. It even gets lampshaded by her:

 Hayley:Why is it only m-*A mixer falls on her head from the same cupboard, knocking her out cold*

  • In "Meter Made" when Stan is sentenced with community service as a meter maid for beating one up, he states that he'll at least have Francine to help him get through it. He then sees that she replaced herself with a mop wearing her dress. The camera pans to her in her undergarments trying to escape out the window.
  • In "Rapture's Delight," Roger randomly shows up at one point dressed as Moses and holding two tablets that read "1. Surf 2. Dooble 3. Chow" and "4. Party 5. Helmet 6. Sleep."

  Roger: What's going on?! I was about to do something really funny!! ...Wow, the guy at the bus station is HUNG. But I already knew that.

Notes

  1. Wash your hands.
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